"A" as in "Anathema"

Jan 14, 2014 17:06

Title: "A" as in "Anathema"
Author: gazerock4eva
Pairing: Reita x Ruki
Genre: Drama, Romance
Disclaimer: The boys belong to themselves, only the idea is mine.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Anathema: a person or thing detested or loathed; a person or thing condemned to damnation; any imprecation of divine punishment; a curse, execration.
Synopsis: Still, some small part of him was actually... thankful. For the company, for not being alone. Days like these, he wanted company. Only he never sought it out because... Maybe he feared no one would understand. Maybe he didn't want anyone to. Or maybe he simply wanted only one to. He really didn't need many people to know everything about him, or to comprehend or to comfort. One would be enough. Just one...



Author's Note: Just something that had sprung into my mind and got written and finished in the course of the past three days. I'm kind of toying with the idea to make this a series of oneshots of sorts, but I'm not yet sure. We'll see!

Give this a read and a review if you like, it'd be much appreciated. Enjoy!

Anathema

Rain was anathema to him. Every time it started up he felt cursed, and depressed. Because as it poured down, he would get reminded of all the bad that had happened in the course of his life on rainy days.

The earliest memory was from way back; he and his family had lived in Osaka back then. He must have been... six? Seven? It was a train station, he had stood there with his mother, waiting for the next train. He remembered the face of the woman near the tracks very clearly... The empty look in her eyes and the tears on her cheeks. It had been raining hard but she had not been taking cover in the glass booth the way everybody else had. She had stood out there but with his childlike understanding, he had already been able to grasp that she was crying and upset. Something nobody else had seemed to care about... They had only started to scream and shout when the train had arrived, they had only noticed her when the brakes screeched ear-splittingly but all had been too late for the young, sad woman who had let herself tumble down onto the rails.

People were ignorant... but he didn't resent that. He was the same. How many times had he walked by things that may have been changed for the better if only he had acted instead of simply passing by.

His first beating happened on a rainy day, too. He had always been a small kid with a big mouth and first year of junior high, it got him into trouble with some upperclassmen. He remembered how the rainwater had stung on his broken skin, and how slick and slippery the pavement had felt under his hands. It had also rained throughout the days he'd spent in hospital, to the quiet weeping of his gentle-hearted mother and the hard glares of his strict father whenever they came to visit.

Parents who understood their kids were a rarity... but he didn't resent that, either. How many times could he have sought out an honest talk with them, instead of hiding away and trying to deal with things himself?

He remembered the funeral of his best friend in high school. I had rained then, too, like a steady dirge to underline the loss. He had stood there but he had heard nothing, because his head had been filled with something entirely else. It was funny, he had thought, how sometimes you barely even knew the people you thought you were closest to. Ryu and he, they had known each other for years. Yet he had never noticed... never, not once.

It had poured on that day as well. The day he had decided to drop by his friend's house to spent a rainy afternoon together. He remembered Ryu's mother, a pale and kind woman. She had let him in and he had walked up the stairs. Second floor, his best friend's room. He had pushed open the door and then he had stood in the frame for a very long moment, dumbly staring ahead. All he had heard in his ears, was the steady drum of raindrops on the roof and the windows. A horrible soundtrack to the mild sway of the dead body hanging from the ceiling. Its face had been blue and the eyes had seemed to be popping out of their sockets, mouth opened in a grotesque grimace. There had been a letter...

So on the rainy day of Ryu's funeral, he had stood there and thought about all the days they'd spent together. Not even once, had he ever noticed anything of the abuse his best friend had described in his suicide note. Ryu's stepfather had always seemed so friendly. How many times had it happened, behind closed doors on dark nights? A lot of the time, it had probably been raining, too...

If he blamed himself he didn't know. He didn't resent himself for never having been aware but he wasn't okay with it either. He only knew that all of it surged up when it rained. From the woman on the train station, to the beating in the alley, to Ryu's swaying corpse and the dirge of the funeral. Those were just the highlights, too. In between, many other memories would mingle in. His first girlfriend and the mess of their breakup, his countless arguments with his father, his first boyfriend and the mess of their breakup, his countless arguments with a bunch of other people throughout his life. It always seemed to be raining when bad things happened in his life.

He had fallen in love on a rainy day, too. Really in love, for the first time. It had taken years for the feeling to develop but only months for the realization to sink in. And now he walked around with this emotion and nobody knew. He had good friends, close friends, but they didn't know either. None of it. They worked together, they laughed together, they toured together... but his anathema was his own to face. He wondered if Ryu had felt the same despite his secret being a much darker one. But everybody had battles they thought they had to fight on their own, right...? Some because they couldn't help it. Others because they didn't have a choice. Which one was he?

It was pouring today as well and staying in his silent, empty apartment was getting more unbearable with every passing minute. Listening to the beat of the rain, dwelling on all those horrible things... all those miasmic memories. So he left. He left as he was, in dark blue jeans and a white button-up shirt, ignoring both his jacket and his umbrella while slipping into black shoes in the foyer.

Outside he got soaked within seconds, from the top of his blonde head to every inch of skin beneath non-waterproof material. With no makeup on fine features and no fancy outfit wrapped up around his shapely figure, he was just another face in the crowd. Most ignored him, others threw semi-curious glances his way, but they all hurried to get to wherever it was they were hurrying to get to. Out of the rain, someplace warm and dry. They didn't care about him and he didn't care about them. Although maybe, he had one thing in common with the majority of them still. He wanted the rain to stop.

Rain was anathema to him. Never once in his life, had anything good happened on a rainy day. He didn't have any expectations today either. So when somebody called his name, he would have firmly believed they must have been calling somebody else if it hadn't been for the fact that the voice was flawlessly familiar.

"Takanori?"

He stopped, but he didn't turn around just yet. He had been walking without an aim and without really looking ahead of himself, either. He had watched his feet, but looking up now he had noticed they had taken him close to city center. Shops and cafés all around, people en masse, dressed as colorfully as the moving sea of umbrellas above their heads.

One of such umbrellas, of a dark grey hue, suddenly appeared above his head. Ruki turned around and faced its owner, smiling faintly and with effort. "Hey... Didn't think to run into anyone I know around here at this time." It was getting dark, the clock hands inching towards 8PM.

His opposite was also smiling, easy-going and calm even though those astute eyes were quick on taking in Ruki's general appearance. There was no comment on any of it however, merely a nod towards the café the two of them stood in front of. "I saw you through the window. I almost wasn't sure it was really you at first."

Briefly, Ruki glanced through the glass into the ambience within. It looked cozy, with small tables and candles lit in the middle of each. Behind one of them sat a woman he recognized easily, quickly averting his gaze again.

"Your sister is visiting?" Great. Now she must think he was a nut job, walking around in the rain like this. He hadn't met her often, all the same he knew how much she meant to the man in front of him.

"Yeah, she stopped by today, suggested we go into town and catch up on things. Wanna come in and sit down with us?"

He gave a shake of head. "No, it's okay. Besides..." He glanced down on himself for wordless emphasis. Soaked from head to toe, he wasn't the most desirable customer to have. "I'll just... keep walking." Somewhere. Anywhere.

"Where're you headed to?"

He shrugged his shoulders, trying to sound carefree. "I... don't know. Just... wandering, I guess." He felt that gaze burning on him and it was... awkward. Like the other man could see right through the paper-thin facade he tried to pull up in front of himself.

"Listen, give me a second. I'll say bye to my sis, and then we'll head to my place."

His heart skipped a beat, his hand darting out to catch the other man in the progress of him turning around. "Akira, wait. You don't have to, really. I'll be alright." Goddamn it, he should have stayed home. He should have known nothing good would come out of a rainy day.

For a moment, those currently unmasked features drew into a serious expression. "Ta-kun, it's getting dark and cold and you're soaked." That seemed to have made a point of his argument, and Ruki found himself unable to come up with anything to counter it. Now that his senses began to return, he actually did start to feel cold and wet and miserable.

Reita pushed the handle of the umbrella into his friend's smaller hand with a mild grin. "Stay put, alright?"

Nodding numbly, the younger man watched his band mate shoo back into the café. Through the glass of the window, he looked on as Reita stopped by the table his sister sat at, inaudible dialogue suggesting him briefly explaining the situation to her. She nodded and glanced towards the window, giving him who stood on the other side of it a soft smile. She had a pretty smile, he noted casually, giving a faint one of his own in return. She then moved up to hug her brother, touching a kiss to his cheek. Ruki didn't know why, but the scene made his heart clench. He turned away, choosing to stare off into the distance instead. The rain wasn't stopping.

Exiting the café again with his jacket in hand, that was how Reita found his band mate - standing there somewhat slumped, staring off into the incessant stream of rain, wet hair and clothes clinging to him and making him look almost like an abandoned high school boy. Stepping closer he gently wrapped his jacket around those slender shoulders and took the umbrella from those delicate hands that shook ever so slightly from the cold.

"Let's go. My car's just around the corner."

The problem with that occurred to Ruki only when they stood in front of said car, a simple black sedan glistening with a sheen of rainwater.

"Um..." He glanced up at Reita who was really pretty close since they were sharing an umbrella which didn't exactly help keep his hastened heartbeat steady.

The bassist all but smiled, opening the door for his friend and mentioning for him to get inside in company of placid words: "Don't worry. It's just water." And water dried, also on car seat leather.

Once both of them were inside Reita turned the heating to the max, their ride to his home remaining a silent one spare for the radio doodling random pop songs. Ruki looked preoccupied with his thoughts, gazing out of the window onto the curtain of falling water and he let the man to it. For which mentioned man was rather thankful, because he really didn't know what to say. He hadn't planned on running into anyone he knew on this dismal day, moreover it just had to be Reita out of all people.

His mind was already heavy with oppressing memories, now his heart was heavy with oppressing feelings atop of it. Still, some small part of him was actually... thankful. For the company, for not being alone. Days like these, he wanted company. Only he never sought it out because... Maybe he feared no one would understand. Maybe he didn't want anyone to. Or maybe he simply wanted only one to. He really didn't need many people to know everything about him, or to comprehend or to comfort. One would be enough. Just one...

Up in Reita's apartment he got ushered into the bathroom after having been supplied with dry clothes, a simple combo of sweatpants and jersey both of which were a size or two too big for him but ultimately, it only made them more comfy to slip and snuggle into. Done, he almost subconsciously drifted to the living room. He'd been to Reita's current home plenty of times and the living room was his favorite spot to be because it had an artificial fireplace beneath the TV. He commended Reita's taste for that, wondering often enough why he hadn't thought of getting something like that for his own place.

Easing down onto the couch he switched said fireplace on, drawing his legs up onto the sofa cushion as well and cuddling up into the corner. The sound of burning wood overshadowed the drumming of rain outside to a certain extent, and watching the fire was... becalming. He almost got lost in the frolicking, flickering flames that danced in front of his eyes, reflecting in them. All things considered... the end of this evening wasn't quite so bad. So far.

"Thought I'd find you here."

The slightly amused voice which resound, pulled him out of his idle musings, his gaze wandering to find Reita taking a seat next to him. His friend and colleague had apparently switched attires, too, sporting black jeans in complementation with an equally black shirt. The top few buttons were left loose, something Ruki knew he shouldn't even be noticing so acutely no matter how good it looked. He was hopeless, wasn't he...

Suppressing a sigh, he turned his sight away from his band mate to the fire again. "So... are you gonna ask?" He questioned quietly, to which Reita replied with a softly spoken question of his own.

"Do you want me to?"

Did he? Ruki didn't know. It was a tug of war inside, he wanted to talk about it but at the same time... there was this barricade within, one so hard to overcome. Was it really that important to share? He didn't want just anyone to know. He didn't trust just anyone to know. But then again, Akira wasn't just anyone. Or so his heart has been attempting to tell him for months. Only problem was... Ruki seldom trusted his heart, either.

"I don't know." He thus answered quietly and truthfully.

Reita shifted to sit more sideways and face the younger man next to him, even though Ruki stubbornly kept gazing ahead into the artificial flames. "Let's find out then." Placing one elbow atop the couch backrest, he leaned his head against his curled up fingers. "Why were you wandering around outside in the rain today, Takanori?" It was an earnestly posed question but it had something to it... an undertone, sympathetic and warm. Concerned.

Akira cared.

He didn't know if it was the atmosphere, or that very undertone that prompted him but after a small pause... Takanori began to speak, softly and quietly and a bit detached, like the memories were and weren't his own. He told the other man. Everything. About rain and its anathema, about the lady at the train station, the junior high and Ryu's funeral. About the letter and the truth. About bad things happening on rainy days, about the recollections that hid in every rain drop, in the very sound of water shattering after its downfall from heaven. Could you have called it opening up? He didn't know. He didn't know if he felt better afterwards, either. Just... spent. He felt tired. Like carrying all that with him throughout the years, adding more and more to the weight as his life continued, had left him exhausted.

There was a long moment of silence between them, until Reita's smooth baritone sounded a soft: "I never knew any of that about you..." For all the years of knowing each other and working together, he wouldn't have guessed how many dark spots had been there on the canvass of Takanori's life. He had been able to guess, surely, those deep and heartwrenching lyrics didn't just come out of nowhere. People who hadn't known real and deep misery, who hadn't suffered and overcome some heavy pain couldn't sing or write or talk about it in the way that made others echo with their emotions. But guessing something and hearing it... they still were and would always be two very different things.

A faintly bitter smile twitched Ruki's lips. "There're still things you don't know about me." Dropping his head he shook it lightly, as though in disbelief. Were it even possible, for somebody to know somebody else completely? Even friends who spent almost every day together and family who lived under the same roof, could be oblivious to something happening right under their nose.

"And to think I'd run into you out of all people today," he mused quietly, still starting into the simulated flames. "Life really does love messing around with me. And it's raining... so I have no real hope for this to go well."

Reita furrowed his brows slightly, more curious than bemused. It almost sounded like... "For what to go well?" He had the feeling he could almost sense what it was about but he didn't dare make any assumptions. Ruki finally turned to look at him and despite all the things he had just told Reita of and yet probably exactly because of them he seemed both so strong and so... fragile.

Something Ruki probably wouldn't have denied. He was strong in facing the challenges life kept throwing at him but he was fragile in the aftermath of them. He rarely needed support in fighting his battles... yet it did not mean that he needed no comfort afterwards. Either way, he had never backed down before and it wasn't the case now.

So he whispered a gentle "This..." in slightly delayed response, leaned in and tilted his head in that perfect angle, his eyes slipping shut without his consent at the warm, soft sensation of lips touching. He held his breath like maybe it could freeze this moment, the way his heart raced and spread a tingle throughout him. Simple and beautiful, no matter the consequences of his action he was thankful for this moment alone.

How long it had lasted he didn't know, the breath he'd sealed away within his chest delicately shuddering out of him when he inched away from that artless contact again. His expectations for the consequences of his daring act swayed somewhere between awkward silence and being punched in the face and for either scenario, he preferred to keep his eyes shut, swallow hard and wait.

That which he felt after a series of wild heartbeats passed, was the touch of careful fingers on his cheek, brushing forward along it gingerly until that warm palm was cupping his face to softly draw him in for another kiss. It startled him for a split of a second to feel pliant lips upon his own another time, crescent-shaped lashes drawing just enough apart to see that handsome face so close and equally heavy-lidded, fawn eyes looking back.

Whatever it was he seemed to have seen reflected in those dark, enigmatic depths, Ruki shut out his sight again just a heartbeat later to let the sensation of this second kiss sweep him up and away. His hand found to the front of Reita's firm chest, gingerly curling a grip into a fistful of black fabric there, giving the other man an instinctual and barely palpable pull closer, intensifying the press of supple surfaces. He wanted it, the warmth that wrapped around every fiber of his being and hushed all thoughts into a pleasantly fuzzy, incoherent blur.

Outside the water still poured down hard from the night skies... and for the first time in his life, he neither cared nor even noticed. Rain was his anathema... but maybe today, its curse was finally broken.

~~~

fanfic entry: reitaxruki

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