forgiveness and follies
Edit: Warning, what follows is total stream of consciousness. Paragraph markings, periods and other conventions of grammar have little to do with the flow of thoughts or helping to keep thoughts coherent.
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I feel the need to forgive people in my past who have wronged me and I try to live my life by trusting first. However, I find that there are some hurts I can't forgive. This pains me because I know that harboring resentment and anger hurt only myself and not the other person.
Was it only his fault? No, I allowed what happened to happen. I gave him the control that he needed to manipulate and almost destroy me. I didn't fight for myself soon enough or hard enough. I fled. Now I wonder if I should have fought harder and how that experience has affected me, because it has.
I'm jaded. I had thought about dating again, but I can't get over the thought that no matter what I do, I'll be hurt in the end, so why bother. I can't figure out what exactly I want or need and if those desires even exist in a single person. I'm content with being single. Why bother even trying? (See the rationalizations?)
But part of me wants a healthy romantic relationship and I realize that I have no idea how to go about creating one. All of this because I can't forgive one who hurt me. More importantly, I can't seem to forgive myself for letting it all happen. How odd that I can forgive most anyone most anything, but I can't forgive myself. What a spiral.