(no subject)
Just thought id update, i dont use this very often nemore, but still for those of you who actually read it, like the 2 i know who do, ill update. lol. yeah so a lot has been happening l8ly, ive been making some bad choices, and some good ones, and u know the same old shit with the not wanting to be alone, but being stuck this way, lol. neways...so the good stuff includes me actually going ona date!!! hehehe. hes adoarable! i just wish i knew how he felt about me! Grr life is difficult! yeah neways.... i might be working at jack in the box soon, lol. i know i said i refuse to work in fast foood, but i really need money, partly bcz im tired of not having it, and partly bcz in order to get the new car i want i have too have like a $3000 downpayment. lol. yeah the car i want is an 06 baby blue w/black trim volkswagon bug convertable!! im excited! my mom said shed sign for it if i had the downpayment. hehe! yeah and then my bad choices.... yeah...1) ive started cutting again 2) i eat like nothing nemore**anorexic again** 3) what i do eat i ditch thru tossing it back up! not good, i just wish that i could stop, it hurst, but its also a way to get thru my pain, granted a bad way...but i way! i dont know but ima include some of my poetry after this so yeah.... i guess ill update again sometime! comments and advice would be nice, eventhough most of u could prolly not give a shit more about me...lol...
*~Just Ben~*
YES I am a HOMOSEXUAL!! with a PENIS!
HOPE
Everytime you say you don’t want me, I make these blade slits
Then all that's left of me are pieces and bits
When I’m with you I seem to try
So please don't say goodbye
I love you, but all that I want to feel is hate
And you and I both know that I’ll always wait
You seem not to care for my broken heart
I love you so much that it's tearing me apart
You say that I’m wasting my time and you want me to move on
But deep down I know that my feelings for you will never be gone
Everytime you tell me to move on, I make another cut
And then I realize that the door has now shut
To have you is all that I’m wishing
And all that I know is that something has to be missing
When I hear your voice it refills my hope
But with all of this emptiness I can't seem to cope
I hope you have not one regret
Because when I leave there will be nothing left
The love from you is all that I seek
You tell me It’ll never happen, you tell me I'm unique
So why are you doing this to me, I can't take it any longer
My heart is weak, But I try to be stronger
I promised that I would do what you said
But I can't move on because of the way my feelings were led
I know you don’t feel this way at all, because I’m just this pathetic loser
that doesn’t have a chance in hell,
but with great devotion
I hear a glimpse of your hidden emotion
No one knows I cut myself, but when they hear
They'll call me stupid and hold me near.
When you say that you don’t want me I hit the floor
The tears start to fly and the blood begging to pour
You could help me fix it, you have my broken key
But instead you let me cut my wrists to be free
I just want to be with you, and hear your voice
To be standing next to you, knowing I was your choice
My mind is racing with thoughts, and then you grab my hand
My problems seem to hide and then I know you understand
And I’ll take your hand and bring you along
Because I have to be with you to be strong
As you sit next to me, I’m in a happier state
I hope that all you need is time, but I don't want to wait
And as I stare and get lost in your eyes
I forget everything, that you’ve ever said!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Touch
Just as I reach out
You pull away
My hand glides right through
The touch is never there.
A will-owing affect of your intangiblity
I cry
Nothing I can do or say
So close
So very far away.
What has happened?
We haven't even begun.
The touch was never there.
Nothing is ever fair.
Is this love or is this war?
A battle that cannot be won
Opposites that attracted at first
But are now repelling
Just a facade
A placid nod
The perfect pair
If only your touch was there.
*~Just Ben~*
YES I am a HOMOSEXUAL!! with a PENIS!
HOPE
Everytime you say you don’t want me, I make these blade slits
Then all that's left of me are pieces and bits
When I’m with you I seem to try
So please don't say goodbye
I love you, but all that I want to feel is hate
And you and I both know that I’ll always wait
You seem not to care for my broken heart
I love you so much that it's tearing me apart
You say that I’m wasting my time and you want me to move on
But deep down I know that my feelings for you will never be gone
Everytime you tell me to move on, I make another cut
And then I realize that the door has now shut
To have you is all that I’m wishing
And all that I know is that something has to be missing
When I hear your voice it refills my hope
But with all of this emptiness I can't seem to cope
I hope you have not one regret
Because when I leave there will be nothing left
The love from you is all that I seek
You tell me It’ll never happen, you tell me I'm unique
So why are you doing this to me, I can't take it any longer
My heart is weak, But I try to be stronger
I promised that I would do what you said
But I can't move on because of the way my feelings were led
I know you don’t feel this way at all, because I’m just this pathetic loser
that doesn’t have a chance in hell,
but with great devotion
I hear a glimpse of your hidden emotion
No one knows I cut myself, but when they hear
They'll call me stupid and hold me near.
When you say that you don’t want me I hit the floor
The tears start to fly and the blood begging to pour
You could help me fix it, you have my broken key
But instead you let me cut my wrists to be free
I just want to be with you, and hear your voice
To be standing next to you, knowing I was your choice
My mind is racing with thoughts, and then you grab my hand
My problems seem to hide and then I know you understand
And I’ll take your hand and bring you along
Because I have to be with you to be strong
As you sit next to me, I’m in a happier state
I hope that all you need is time, but I don't want to wait
And as I stare and get lost in your eyes
I forget everything, that you’ve ever said!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Touch
Just as I reach out
You pull away
My hand glides right through
The touch is never there.
A will-owing affect of your intangiblity
I cry
Nothing I can do or say
So close
So very far away.
What has happened?
We haven't even begun.
The touch was never there.
Nothing is ever fair.
Is this love or is this war?
A battle that cannot be won
Opposites that attracted at first
But are now repelling
Just a facade
A placid nod
The perfect pair
If only your touch was there.