The X-Files Episode 12x06: They Saved Hilda's Brain
My latest X-Files fan fiction; it's either really clever, or full of plot holes. It's meant to be a bit Darin Morgan-esque, and humourous.
I admit, some of it is a bit far-fetched and ludicrous, farcial even, but it's inspired partly by "The Man With Two Brains".
I also loved the idea of Mulder gathering all the suspects into one room, Agatha Christie like.
As for the sublot with the Cigarette Smoking Man, wait and see.
Episode 12x06: They Saved Hilda’s Brain
CHICAGO, IL
It would have been faster to have walked, Dr. Hilda Reiner thought, as she stepped off the bus. She was finished with another day of scientific research, most of which had involved testing products on monkeys. There had been a protest outside the lab again today, and she had wished she was in possession of a battering ram to get through.
But then again, this is America, does anyone walk?
She unlocked the door to her flat, and almost ran slap back into Brian.
“Oh, honey!” Brian cried out, in his camp voice, “You didn’t half frighten me”.
Brian Gipe was dressed as Freddie Mercury, or at least an African-American Freddie Mercury.
Freddie Mercury in Queen’s video of “I Want to Break Free”, and was even holding a little carpet sweeper.
“Are you off to a fancy dress party?”
“What do you mean, Honey?” Brian asked, “this is my normal outfit”.
Hilda laughed, what was her flatmate like?
“I’m joking of course, Hilda!” he added, “Jake and I are out partying; he’s going as George Michael.
Jake Grimes was Brian’s long-term boyfriend; they often showed up at the flat in the middle of the night, talking loudly after too many mimosas.
“Don’t wait up!” Brian added, as he left the door.
Hilda slumped down on the sofa, and put the television on; she would need her earplugs tonight.
She caught part of a news report, “…the mystery of why the small town of Fata Morgana continues. It is rumours that shortly before it became deserted, a coach broke down on its way to Los Angeles. Conspiracy theorist Ted O’Malley has suggested that someone who was on that bus somehow caused the mass exodus, but so far he has not provided a concrete explanation…”
Hilda changed channels; as much as she enjoyed Skye Leikin’s news reports, the mention of conspiracy theories, and especially Tad O’Malley, made her groan.
The channel she switched over to was showing a repeat of The Big Bang Theory; she enjoyed this programme. Watching Sheldon Cooper made her laugh and cringe at the same time.
She was so absorbed by the show that she did not hear the front door opening again, did not hear the footsteps in the corridor.
Hilda did not know it quite yet, but tonight was not her lucky night; she was about to be murdered. Her killer had just arrived in the flat.
The killer opened the door quietly, but stood on a loose floorboard.
“Damn” the killer muttered, but Hilda was too engrossed in listening to Howard Wolowitz argue with his mother to notice.
The killer pulled out the revolver and fired once; fired twice, three times.
Hilda slumped down on the sofa, blood pouring out of the wound in her heart.
“Who…?” she managed to say, before she finally succumbed. It seemed that she had not managed to recognise her killer before giving up this mortal coil.
Tonight had definitely not been her lucky night.
XXXXX
“For the last time, Mulder; I don’t think Tena’s first word will be alien”.
Mulder excitedly held aloft the mobile he had made himself; instead of the normal bunnies and cows, six month old Tena would have flying saucers to look at over her crib.
“Maybe she’ll say: Victory shall be mine?” Mulder suggested.
“What?” Scully asked.
“Stewie Griffin” explained Mulder.
Scully looked blankly.
“Did you never watch Family Guy?”
Mulder and Scully were interrupted by a knock at the door, and Scully went down to answer it.
“Agent Scully - I mean, Dana”.
“Leyla” replied Scully.
Leyla Harrison had once upon a time worked for the F.B.I.; she was a bit of a fangirl to Agents Mulder and Scully, but she had quit and taken up a job as a childminder. She now stood on the porch of Mulder and Scullys’ house, dressed as Mary Poppins, complete with umbrella.
“Excuse the costume” she said, “I thought it would be fun for little Tena; it was either this or Maria von Trapp”.
“Thank you for doing this” replied Scully, “it’s the only way that I can help Mulder on the X-Files, especially now that I don’t have my mother any more”.
“A pleasure” replied Leyla, before adding: “Hello, Fox”, as she saw Mulder appearing down the stairs.
“Have you got everything you need?” Mulder asked.
“Absolutely” replied Leyla, “Tena and I will have a great time”.
“Oh, and one more thing” Scully added, “I hope you’re not telling her too many stories about X-Files that Mulder and I worked on; she is only a baby”.
Leyla Harrison loved sharing stories about old X-Files that she had heard about, but not always fully understood. She had been given her first warning for stories about “Eugene Tooms, the stretchy liver-eating mutant”.
“I’ll try not to” smiled Leyla, as Mulder and Scully hurried out of the door.
“We’ll see you later” Mulder called, over his shoulder.
“So, Mulder, what’s our latest case?”
“Oh, this is strictly off the record” replied Mulder, as he started the car engine, “I’ve discovered a so-called top secret facility, and we’re sneaking in”.
“You deliberately waited until you had started the engine before you told me that, didn’t you, Mulder?”
“You know me, Scully”.
Scully rolled her eyes; this was another fine mess her partner was about to get her into.
XXXXX
“Mulder, I don’t think we can just sneak around in here”.
Mulder and Scully were tip-toeing down a nondescript corridor. Mulder had needed a pair of wire cutters, and Kimmy the Geek’s hacking skills, to get into the compound; so far, so good.
“Relax, Scully; I don’t think there’s anyone around”.
A door nearby had a keypad by it; Mulder calmly typed in “1121”, and the door opened.
“Your friends were able to get the passcode” Scully whispered, surprised.
“You got it, Scully”.
Inside the room, it looked like the final scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark; it was full of large packing crates, as far as the eye could see.
“Your holy grail then, Mulder”.
“Let’s see if I can get one of these open, Scully”.
“Hands where we can see them” a voice on the opposite site of the room shouted.
Mulder and Scully looked up, and saw the group of armed soldiers approaching; they did not look like people who should be messed with.
“Ah, hello guys” said Mulder, cool as a cucumber; “did you not get the memo? We’re helping with your decluttering efforts”.
Oh, boy thought Scully, rolling her eyes.
After a pause, the leader of the armed soldiers replied: “Nice try, Agent Mulder, but this is all important stuff, and top secret. You are Special Agent Fox Mulder, are you not?”
“He’s the one that man with the cigarettes warned us about all those years ago, isn’t he?” whispered one of the subordinates?
“Shush” one of the other soldiers replied.
“You must have us mistaken” Mulder bluffed, “I’m Agent Miller, and this is Agent Einstein”.
“Agents Miller and Einstein?” the leader replied, briefly distracted.
“RUN!” Mulder shouted.
Scully didn’t need any more prompting; both agents ran back the way they had come; Scully ran right, and Mulder ran left.
“I always said the pincer movement was the better way of capturing suspects” said the first subordinate who had spoken.
“Yes” another added, “We needed a group to cut them off from behind”.
“All very well in hindsight” muttered another.
“Quiet” the leader replied, “and let’s get after them”.
XXXXX
Mulder ran; he wasn’t sure where Scully was; he just had to outrun the soldiers. He took one quick turn, and then another. Seeing a keypad, he typed in “1121” again; and the door by it opened. He wondered how fast the security codes got changed in this place after a breach. Glancing in, Mulder could see another long corridor.
He thought for a second, and noticed a second door nearby, also fitted with a keypad; he pulled out his empty packet of sunflower seeds. He quickly folded it a few times, and slipped it under the door, wedging it open. He quickly went to the other keypad, praying the same combination would work.
It did; Mulder quietly closed the door behind him, and looked around him.
All he could see were glass jars, filled with liquid, like something off Futurama.
There was something else about the jars; each one had a human brain inside.
He was briefly distracted by the sound of the guards falling for his bluff.
“That Fox sure is quick” one of them said.
“But not very bright” another added.
“This quick brown fox won’t be jumping over any lazy dogs soon” added a third.
Suckers, Mulder thought.
“Hello?” a female voice said; Mulder was startled.
“Shhh” he whispered, “Don’t give the game away”.
Looking around, Mulder realised he couldn’t see anyone; just several jars with preserved brains inside.
“Where are you?” he whispered.
“You’re looking right at me, Big Boy”.
Mulder stared at the brains; was one of them talking to him?
“Come closer, Darling”.
Mulder walked right up to the brain that was directly in front of him.
“To your right, silly”.
Mulder picked up the jar to the right.
“You’ve got me” the voice said, “now, if you don’t mind, I need your help getting me out of here”.
“Who are you?”
“Oh, how silly of me not to introduce myself; Dr. Hilda Reiner. I recognise you as Fox Mulder, your reputation precedes you. I also need your help to solve a murder”.
“A murder?” Mulder replied, “I’ll just need to get my deerstalker and pipe; whose murder?”
“My own; all I know is, I was shot in my own apartment. From behind, too; the coward.”
“First, we’ll have to get out of here, though” replied Mulder; “I am not certain my little ruse will have fooled them for long”.
“If you follow my instructions” Hilda replied, “I might be able to get you out of here. I took note when they wheeled me in here”.
“I’m listening” replied Mulder; now, all he needed to do was get out, and convince Scully that a dead woman’s brain was speaking to him.
XXXXX
Ten minutes later, Mulder was jumping into the car with Scully, holding the brain in a jar. She had been circulating around the place trying to see if she could spot Mulder, although it felt like a fool’s errand.
“Mulder” she said, “Do you know how much dumb luck I needed to get out of there? This really is the last time you pull a stunt like that on me. What exactly have we achieved here?”
Mulder pointed at the brain in a jar.
“Are you going to ask for a brain transplant?” Scully sniped, “maybe it will turn you into a rational person”.
“No, Scully; it’s a talking brain” Mulder replied, “Dr. Hilda Reiner, and we’re going to solve her murder”.
“Don’t bother trying to explain all of this to your partner, Fox; I’m speaking telepathically, and only you can hear me”.
“Mulder” Scully replied, “I think you are finally losing it”.
XXXXX
ATLANTA, GEORGIA
Charles Scully had been expecting this day.
When the black car pulled up behind him, and the window wound down, revealing the Cigarette Smoking Man inside, he didn’t bother to run.
He reluctantly entered the car, and the Cigarette Smoking Man motioned to his chauffer to drive on.
“I haven’t managed to terminate Special Agent Reyes” he spluttered, “I saw her once, but things didn’t quite go to plan”.
Charles had stalked Monica Reyes in the street five months previously; he thought she hadn’t noticed him, and just as he got to a quiet spot, he got bolder, and closed in on his prey.
That was when Reyes turned around, and grabbed him in a headlock.
“You can either tell me why you are following me, or I can force the information out of you!” she snapped. It seemed that his false beard, and the fact that they hadn’t exactly spoken directly in his sister’s room in the maternity ward, had stopped her from recognising him.
“I … er … wanted to ask you out on a date?” Charles had ventured.
“You really think I’ll believe that?” Reyes had replied.
This was the point when two police officers had shown up, and asked Reyes if there was a problem, and Charles had very quickly found himself dragged off to the police station.
Since his release, he hadn’t seen Agent Reyes.
“It seems unlikely that Agent Reyes is even in Atlanta anymore” the Cigarette Smoking Man continued, “but there is a more pressing matter to deal with, more pressing than her. Maybe you can even prove your competence to me at last”.
“So, you’re not going to kill me?” Charles replied, feeling relieved.
The Cigarette Smoking Man laughed, then replied: “Not yet”.
XXXXX
“Mulder, this is ridiculous” said Scully, as soon as Leyla Harrison had left, remarking how well-behaved Tena had been.
“There’s one way to settle this” Mulder replied, switching on his laptop.
He connected to the internet, and typed in the words:
Hilda Reiner Murder
“There you have it, Scully” Mulder grinned.
A news article confirmed that a Dr. Hilder Reiner had indeed been found murdered in her Chicago flat one month previously. Her housemate and his partner had discovered the body as they returned late at night from a party; dead from a gunshot wound. Police were struggling to find a motive for the killing.
“The article says that she was upsetting the animal rights groups” commented Scully.
“You can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs” said Hilda, though of course only Mulder could hear her; “it was important research”.
“This doesn’t prove that a brain is talking to you, Mulder; are you sure you didn’t read this in a newspaper article?”
“Are you at least willing to come to Chicago with me?”
“I take it reminding you that the police probably have this in hand won’t deter you?”
“Let’s see if we can give them some - let’s say unofficial - help” Mulder replied.
“Yes, fine” Scully muttered; she would need to keep Mulder’s sanity in check, “but I don’t understand how you are getting this information”.
“Telepathy” Mulder smiled back, “Don’t forget, I was able to hear people’s thoughts at one point?”
Scully remembered; being exposed to an ancient carving several years ago had prompted Mulder to start losing his mind.
“So, you say you’re hearing a dead person’s thoughts? Why doesn’t she know who killed her”
“The brain is said to stay active after death” replied Mulder.
“There have been cases where brain activity has lasted for a few hours after death” Scully replied, “but not for an entire moth”.
She discretely got out her mobile phone, and texted Skinner:
Mulder coming out with some crazy stuff; taking me to Chicago to solve a murder; thinks he’s getting telepathic messages. I might need some backup if possible.
“She says she had her back turned from her killer, and didn’t see who it was” Mulder called out; “so I think her story checks out anyway”.
Five minutes later, Skinner texted back.
I’ll book the first wheelchair accessible flight to Chicago that I can.
Scully thanked her lucky stars that she wouldn’t be at home with Mulder’s ravings.
She called Leyla, and asked: “Can we trust you with Tena for a few days? Something came up; we’ll pay you extra”.
“Oh, no problem, Dana” Leyla replied, “sounds like you’ve got yourself a thrilling X-File; don’t tell me, Eugene Tooms isn’t dead, and he’s back?”
“If Leyla is talking about Tooms” Mulder said, as though he could read her mind, “he wouldn’t be due back until 2023, even if he were alive!”
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
The man who opened the door had on only jeans and a baseball cap, facing backwards. He looked about thirty-five, and probably thought he was ripped, despite the fact that he hadn’t been able to entirely get rid of his beer gut.
“Brian Gipe?” Scully asked, relieved that Mulder had left the brain in their hotel room, and they weren’t going to have to explain that it apparently belonged to a deceased resident of this very flat.
“Brian” the man called; he spoke with a British accent, before adding: “Jake Grimes; I’m just visiting”.
The Agents heard a toilet flush as they entered the room, and moments later, a forty-something African-American man entered the room; this was evidently Brian.
As Jake walked away, Mulder noted the “ASPCA” acronym on the crown of his cap. “I’ll be getting back to my workout” he added, to Brian, and started to do push-ups in the corner.
“Agents Mulder and Scully, F.B.I.” said Mulder.
“We believe you were Hilda Reiner’s flatmate” Scully added.
“I’ve told the police everything” Brian stammered, “now the F.B.I. are involved?”
“Let’s say, on an unofficial capacity” Mulder replied, “but you can start by telling us where you were when Hilda was killed”.
“He was with me” Jake interrupted, without breaking away from his exercise routine.
“We were at my friend Diane’s 40th birthday party” Brian explained, “it was a fancy dress party, and we dressed up as dead singers. I went as Freddie Mercury, and Jake went as George Michael.”
“There were about seven Michael Jacksons and eight Whitney Houstons” Jake remarked, finishing his exercise routine, “I’m just going to use your shower, Brian”.
As Mulder and Scully watched, Jake took off his cap, and put it to one side, then he casually pulled off his jeans, before walking - now naked - into a nearby door; moments later, they heard a shower going.
Seeing Scully’s blushes, Brian replied, “you’ll have to excuse Jake; he’s a bit of an exhibitionist. He did that in front of my mother once.”
“How long have you been dating?” Scully asked.
“Just six months” Brian replied, “before then, I was in a relationship with a woman - Connie - I think she couldn’t handle me being bisexual, and having feeling for men. She accused me of staring at another guy’s abs in the park”.
“Were you?” Mulder asked.
“Of course I was” Brian laughed, “but I’m with Jake now; I gave him a copy of the key to my flat after we’d been dating for three months, and he comes over here all the time. The only reason he’s not moved in is because he can’t bear to leave his mother on her own; I can’t stand the woman myself. To be honest, I think he wished he was able to share the flat with me.”
“I think we’re getting a bit off track” Scully interrupted, “so, on the night when Hilda was murdered, you and Jake both went to the party?”
“That’s right; we met just down the road, outside his apartment; we walked to Diane’s party; it was just a few blocks away. We stayed there until around 4 in the morning, and then returned here to find Hilda dead”.
Mulder nodded, “we will need to speak to Diane, to confirm your story”.
“Thank you for your time” Scully added, “we’ll be going now”.
XXXXX
“Don’t tell me you weren’t enjoying the sight of Jake naked” Mulder told Scully, back in their hotel room.
“I had noticed he had a tattoo on his butt” Scully replied, keeping a straight face; “I could just make out that it read JAKE AND BRIAN FOREVER”.
“I guess he reckons Brian is the one then”, Mulder grinned, “I noticed Jake has a connection with ASPCA; they’re an animal rights, group, aren’t they?”
“That’s right” came Hilda’s voice, from Mulder’s suitcase; the agents had hidden the brain there, just to save the awkwardness of explaining its presence to housekeeping.
Mulder pulled the brain out of his suitcase.
“They weren’t too fond of the company I worked for” Hilda continued, “we were into animal testing; I used to see a group of them outside for several weeks before I - you know - croaked”.
“Scully” Mulder said, “maybe we could speak to someone from this ASPCA group that Jake was involved in; any one of them could have had a motive for killing Hilda, including Jake himself”.
“Except that Brian has given Jake an alibi” Scully reminded him, “they were at a party together”.
“I don’t think I even saw Jake at any of the protests” Hilda added, “at least your wife has been paying attention”.
“My ‘wife’ has been eyeing up Jake” Mulder laughed.
Scully rolled her eyes, at the sight of Mulder talking to the brain.
“It has occurred to me” he added, “that we need to check whether Jake had time to sneak out of the party, go back to Hilda’s flat, murder her, and then come back, without Brian being any the wiser; they were only a few blocks away”.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
“Where’s Tena?” asked Jeffrey, covering his eyes.
Leyla watched, amused; was that a faint sign of laughter that she was showing?
She sat down next to Jeffrey, and said to Tena, “Your Mommy and Daddy are off solving an X-File, or something; your Daddy tells me he has a talking brain”.
“Uncle Jeff wishes he’d got to know your Daddy more” Jeffrey added.
“This all reminds me of a case I read about before” Leyla smiled, “there was this cleaner, who lost his brother, but the brother’s brain was able to give him instructions; instructions to … uh, uh”; she realised that this story was possibly not appropriate to tell an infant.
“His brother told him to help save the planet” Jeff said, “he encouraged all the doctors he worked with to recycle more”.
“Yes, that’s it” said Leyla, thankful for the save; she didn’t want Agent Scully giving her a lecture on not telling a story about someone who got their head frozen in liquid nitrogen, and smashed, or sucked into a giant engine, like that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Tena was staring at Jeff’s T-shirt; it bore images of every sign of the Zodiac. Jeff had always been into this thing, despite Leyla had warned him that the dangers of embracing astrology were that “you never know when another bellhop will start murdering fortune tellers”. Jeff had been intrigued by The Adventure of Clyde Bruckman and the Fortune Teller Killer when he had first heard it from Leyla, though he had wondered why there was so much focus on whether Agent Mulder stepped in a banana cream pie.
Tena started pointing at one of the signs on the T-shirt.
“That’s right” said Leyla, “that’s Gemini, the twins”.
Tena kept pointing; she seemed very insistent about something.
“It’s almost like she wants your T-shirt” said Leyla.
“Tell her, I’m not taking it off” replied Jeff, “I’m self-conscious about my man boobs”.
As they watched, Tena seemed transfixed by the one image of the star sign Gemini.
“Okay, little lady” said Leyla, “time to get you to bed”.
As Leyla picked her up off Jeff’s lap, she began to cry, loudly.
“Ah, is someone missing her Mommy?” Leyla asked, “maybe I should tell you the story of the wild people living in the woods again”.
“Leyla” Jeff laughed, “I’ve heard that one, and I will never accept it as a proper X-File”.
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
Sue Stankey could have been a grown-up version of Greta Thunberg. She was also the chair of the Chicago branch of ASPCA, and looked less than thrilled to be talking to Mulder. She looked bleary-eyed, as though she had been forced to get out of bed too early, when Mulder arrived at her apartment, at 11am the next day.
Her apartment was sparsely decorated, apart from staple furniture items, and a large canvas on the wall that bore a “peace” symbol.
“So, someone from that scum animal research company died” she said nonchalantly; “I suppose you think one of us did it. We’re a peaceable organisation”.
“Well, one individual possibly; Jake Grimes” Mulder replied.
“That limey fool” Sue laughed, “we kicked him out some time ago; we thought he was a bit of a - make that a massive - hypocrite”.
“Oh, in what way?”
“He started wearing real fur” Sue replied; “we quickly realised that he didn’t really care much for animal rights. I doubt he’d care anything like enough to have killed this doctor of yours.”
“Well, maybe someone else…”
“Look, if you’re going to suggest a member of our group committed a murder on someone who we couldn’t name, you’re sorely mistaken, Agent Fox Mouldy, if that really is your name” Sue snapped back, “we’re a peaceable organisation”.
“Well, if you think of anything” Mulder replied, “here’s my card”.
“Yeah, yeah” Sue replied, taking Mulder’s card, and dropping it on the floor “I suggest you ‘sling your hook’, as Jake would have put it”.
XXXXX
“You’re out of your mind” Brian laughed.
“So, you think there’s no way that Jake could have snuck around to your flat while you were at the party? After all, he did have a copy of your key”.
“He’s not the type” Brian replied, “it takes five minutes to walk around between our flats, and Jake was barely out of my sight. He only vanished off to make trips to the John, and even then, he insisted I stand outside the door and talk to him; he wanted to get things off his chest”.
Scully’s eyes widened.
“Mostly about RuPaul’s Drag Race” Brian laughed, “he couldn’t believe some of the outfits they had on; he was talking about how many had colours that clashed”.
“So, he never left the flat?”
“Well, there was when that lovely man went out to get the surprise he’d arranged for Diane. He works for a florist, and one of their vans showed up. I watched Jake out of the window; he stepped into the back of the van, and moments later, returned with a huge bouquet of flowers.”
Scully sighed; so, that ruled out Jake as a suspect.
“Well, I’ll leave you in peace” she replied; “it looks like you’ve given him an alibi”.
“I’ll be honest” Brian replied, “if you ask me, the most likely person to have done it is Connie, and I told the cops this”.
“Oh” Scully replied, her eyes widening again.
“Connie Clutterbuck; she often believed that I was in a relationship with Hilda; she couldn’t cope with the idea that I might be in love with a guy” Brian sighed. “We met each other in the gym showers” he continued; “I saw his wang, and he saw mine, and we just hit it off from there”.
“Love at first sight, in more ways than one” replied Scully, “well, you’ve been a great help”.
“We got chatting” Brian continued; “he reached out and gave me a firm hand…”
“Too much information” Scully interrupted; “I must be going”.
Brian looked confused: “You really have a strange mind, Agent Scully; I was going to say, he gave me a firm handshake, and we just got talking”.
Scully’s face reddened; “I see, well good day to you, Mr. Gipe; we’ll be in touch”.
XXXXX
Mulder wondered why Scully requested a table for three at the restaurant that evening. When he saw Skinner wheeling himself towards their table, it all because clear.
“Who’s the hunky bald man coming this way?” Hilda asked from under the table; her brain was hidden inside Mulder’s rucksack.
“You can see through a rucksack?” Mulder asked.
“Hey, I’m dead” Hilda replied, “I don’t think it’s time to nitpick how I can do things”.
“Agents” said Skinner, as the waiter moved a chair out of the way, allowing him to park his wheelchair by the table.
“Walter” said Mulder; “what a surprise”; he eyed up Scully suspiciously.
“Walter is a sexy name” Hilda said, which Mulder ignored.
“Thank you for coming” said Scully; “I think it’s the only way we can keep this sensible”.
“Does Kersh know that you’ve come out to Chicago?” Skinner asked; “not that I mind you doing things behind his back; after all, I am not at all fond of that man”.
Mulder smiled; it was good to hear what their old boss thought about Kersh.
“Kersh?” Hilda continued, “he also sounds interesting; is he single?”
“We’ve said nothing to Kersh” Scully admitted.
“I hear you’ve been quite good at going under his radar, anyway” Skinner replied; “you agents will need to keep a low profile, though. Any leads?”
“First off, there’s the victim’s flatmate” Mulder replied, “Brian Gipe; he could have easily got in, but I’m having trouble finding a motive for him.”
“He mentioned that his ex, Connie Clutterbuck may have been jealous though” Scully added; “apparently she thought the deceased was his new crush”.
“Brian’s gay” Mulder explained; “our other suspect was his boyfriend, Jake, who has been linked with an environmentalist group who didn’t like Dr. Reiner’s work, but that just reached a dead end”.
“I hope you don’t mind if I keep an eye on you, Agent” Skinner replied.
“I’ll keep an eye on you, you sexy bald man” Hilda said, from beneath the table, although Skinner couldn’t hear.
“Agent Scully says you believe you’re being contacted from beyond the grave or something” replied Skinner.
“I know you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was” Mulder replied.
“This wouldn’t be the first time something like this has happened to Mulder” Scully replied.
“May I take your order?” a waitress said, appearing at the table; a tall, skinny woman with a blonde perm. Oh, and where are my manners? My name’s Connie”.
Mulder looked in Scully’s direction; his partner was beaming.
When the waitress had taken their orders, and left, Scully said: “Don’t say I don’t do anything for you; and we got lucky in that she came to our table”.
“That’s the ex-girlfriend who you mentioned?” Skinner asked.
“Connie Clutterbuck, waitress at Gilligan’s Grill” Scully grinned; “it’s amazing what information you can get on people these days”.
One more murder suspect was all ready for questioning.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
Leyla and Jeff showed Tena a picture book that evening; it had pictures of different vehicles in it.
“See, Tena” said Jeff; “that’s a car”.
Leyla smiled, as she turned the page; Tena didn’t look all that interested.
On the next page was an image of a van, and Tena’s eyes lit up. She began pointing excitedly at the picture.
“That’s right” Leyla said, “van; V-A-N; the delivery person comes in that”.
Tena seemed transfixed by the image.
“It seems she likes vans” Jeff smiled.
Turning the page, Leyla added, “and here’s a plane”.
Tena lost interest at this point, and began staring at the ceiling instead.
“I guess she’s not so interested in planes then” Jeff suggested.
“I think she’s just tired” Leyla guessed; “it’s about time we were getting her off to sleep”.
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
Connie Clutterbuck was outside having a cigarette when Mulder and Scully approached her.
“It’s not weed” she muttered, as the Agents showed their badges, “you feds will try and arrest people for anything”.
“Connie Clutterbuck” said Scully; “we’re wanting to speak to you about a recent murder”.
“Oh, great - so if I’m not a junkie, I must be a murderer. I suppose next thing, I’ll be a firearms dealer. Look, is this going to be quick? I only get a short break”.
“Your ex-boyfriend’s flat mate, Dr. Hilda Reiner” replied Mulder, “shot dead recently”.
Connie’s jaw dropped: “She’s dead?” she asked, stunned. Either she really hadn’t been listening to the news, or she had missed her calling as an actress.
“Our understanding is that you thought Brian had left you for her” Scully explained, “she was shot on the evening of the 19th last month”.
“You think that might have been me?” Connie scowled; “look, Ms Unconvincing Redhead, but I was right here working all of that evening. There was a big function on; someone’s wedding reception, and of course someone had a vomiting incident; it was like Mr. Creosote all over again. We were here until about four in the morning clearing the place up; I had no time to commit a murder even if I wanted to. You can ask Mrs. Robbins; she’s the manager here, and she was here all night. To be honest, I think a lot of people did think that Hilda was trying to jump Brian. I never believed that rumour myself.”
“That seems like a good enough excuse to me” replied Mulder.
“So, have you Feds got any more allegations against me?” Connie asked, “like did I dump a cat in a trashcan?”
“Well, no” Scully replied; “although if you can think of anyone who might want to kill Hilda, that would be a great help”.
“Well, I’ve seen her arguing in the street a few times with another woman” Connie replied; “Diane Duane, her name is; she’s a friend of Brian’s.”
There was that name again.
Diane.
The agents would definitely have to speak to her the next day.
Skinner poked his head out of the door: “Are you two coming back in, or am I going to be eating for three in here?”
“Thank you for your time, Miss Clutterbuck” replied Mulder politely.
“No problem” replied Connie, but muttered “Pigs” under her breath as the Agents returned to the restaurant.
XXXXX
Two cops appeared from out of the shadows as Mulder and Scully returned to their motel room; they looked surprisingly like Laurel and Hardy.
“The famous Special Agent Fox Mulder” said the Oliver Hardy clone.
“I recognise these guys” Hilda’s brain said, from inside Mulder’s bag; “they couldn’t catch a criminal if they walked into the cop shop and turned themselves in”.
“Officers” said Mulder.
“I’m Detective Hooks” said the Stan Laurel clone, “and this is Detective Dale”.
“We understand you’ve been investigating one of our murder cases” added Detective Dale.
“That is right” Scully admitted.
“You must be his partner I’ve been hearing about” said Detective Hooks; “tell me, how come you spend all this time with Agent Mulder and don’t believe in aliens?”
“More like, how come she doesn’t smack him in the chops for talking all his U.F.O. nonsense?” scoffed Detective Dale.
“Anyway, we’re going off topic” added Detective Hooks, “this is an official police investigation, and you two are interfering”.
“Consider it to be some extra help” Mulder smiled.
Detective Dale scowled, then replied: “If we solve this murder, we might stand a chance of promotion, that is, if you two back off”.
“We’ll be watching you” added Detective Hooks, “but I suggest you head back home on the first flight you can get”.
As the detectives left, Mulder heard Hilda’s brain groan: “Their prime suspect is probably the Dalai Lama”.
“Well, you heard them” said Scully, as the agents entered the hotel.
“Yes” said Mulder, “but I’ve heard what Hilda has to say; we are definitely going to speak to Diane tomorrow”.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
Dan Dickey spotted the man crouching down by his car as he looked out of the window of his reasonably sized house. It was a nice house, spacious, and big enough for him and his wife to avoid each other as much as they could; they were not on good terms, and it was his fault.
His excuse, when she had walked in on him having his affair had been: “I thought you were working late”.
She had thrown the book at him, literally, and then thrown more bits at him. That hadn’t been the end of it; Dan had really not realised what things Sandra was capable of.
That had been a week ago; a mysterious man had shown up, and said that he would make this all go away. Dan and Sandra still hadn’t got the smell of the man’s cigarettes out of their house, if they could call it their house.
She had asked him to leave.
He had told her that if she didn’t want to live with him, she should have herself.
She had refused to budge.
He had certainly seen some bizarre sights in his time, but the stranger outside was really taking the cake.
“Hey!” he shouted, approaching the stranger, “do you mind telling me what you are doing?”
Charles Scully glanced up, and then stood upright.
“Hey, Buddy” he replied calmly; “I was just undoing my shoelace; there’s no law against being safety-conscious, is there?”
“So, you came onto my property, to tie your shoelaces?”
Dan liked the sound of the words “my property”; he had used the phrase in every conversation he had managed to have with Sandra in the previous week, at least the ones that had lasted more than five seconds.
“I was coming to ring your doorbell” replied Charles Scully; “I was trying to figure out how to get to the Lincoln Memorial; is it nearby?”
Glancing up, he noticed Sandra watching them from the upper floor window.
“It’s across the other side of town” Dan muttered, unimpressed; “but I think you can take the 87 bus from the end of this street, and you should be there is no time at all”.
“Thanks” Charles replied; he began to walk away down the drive, and then replied; “I wonder if he’s related to that Andrew Lincoln?”
“You what?”
“You know - Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead”.
Dan shrugged; typical tourist, asking ridiculous questions.
“If you don’t mind, I should be getting on” he replied.
Making sure Sandra doesn’t get access to my record collection, for one thing he thought. He’d caught her using them for clay pigeon shooting practise a few days ago.
Dan’s phone rang, and he answered it.
“Hello” came the male voice on the other end, “Dr. Thomas Thumb; I believe you and Sandra are due to see me tonight”.
The marriage guidance counsellor; how could he forget?
“Oh, yes; what time did you say again”
“7.30, I believe; is that still convenient for you?”
“Yes, definitely, I…”
“Oh, harder, harder; rub me harder”.
“Sorry?” Dan asked.
“You’ll have to excuse me” Dr. Thumb relied; “I’m getting a shoulder and back rub as I make this phone call, from a very pretty young lady”.
I bet she’s prettier than my wife, Dan thought.
“So, I’ll see you later?” Dr. Thumb added.
“Definitely” Dan replied, and hung up before he heard any more of what the doctor had to say to his masseuse. He supposed he could cope with one car journey with the infernal Sandra each week; they could simply ignore each other until they got to marriage guidance.
What neither Tom or Sandra knew at this point was that neither of them were going to make it to marriage guidance. Dr. Thumb would be left sitting in his office, staring at his watch, and feeling like he might as well have gone home and watched the Simpsons repeats he was missing. They were less dysdunctional than the people had had to deal with, after all.
Charles Scully spotted the bus stop, and kept walking; he then pulled out his mobile phone, certain he was out of earshot of the Dickeys.
“I’ve done it” he said, triumphantly.
“Good to hear” replied the Cigarette Smoking Man; “it seems that you may be of use to me after all; what about Mr. Dickey’s wife?”.
“Still living with him” Charles confirmed.
“Two birds with one stone” the Cigarette Smoking Man grinned; this job has been easier than we thought”.
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
“So, all these people thought I was coming on to Brian?” Hilda scoffed; “what sort of a bunny boiler do they take me for?”
“You deny the allegations?” Mulder asked; he held Hilda’s brain up in its jar in front of him.
“What do you think?” Hilda asked, sounding like she was trying not to laugh; “besides, you can’t believe everything that Connie tells you”.
“Trust no one” Mulder smiled; “that’s my motto”.
Scully emerged from the bathroom: “That’s quite an interesting conversation you’ve been having” she muttered; “are you ready to go?”
“See you later, Alligator” Mulder said to the brain.
“In a while, Crocodile” Hilda returned.
XXXXX
No one else knew, but Diane Duane had been expecting a call from the F.B.I. agents that day; she had a bit of a sixth sense about these things. She had been about to start cooking lunch, but something made her stop and wait for the doorbell to ring.
“I had a strange feeling something like this was going to happen” she said as Mulder and Scully showed their IDs.
She had reddish hair, and a face that put Scully in mind of someone, but she couldn’t think who. Her house was impressively neat and tidy, as she showed the agents into the room.
“Let me guess” she said, appearing to be concentrating very hard; “Hilda’s murder”.
“Yes” Scully replied; “we’re trying to figure out who did it”.
“Well, you can’t possibly think I had anything to do with it” Diane laughed; “after all, I didn’t have a chance to leave the party; I was too busy rushing around getting food, chatting to guests. There are plenty of witnesses who can corroborate my story”.
Mulder and Scully nodded.
“Let me guess; it was that Connie Clutterbuck who suggested I had something to do with this?”
“Every word you have said has been correct” Mulder confirmed. This woman was reminding him of Clyde Bruckman; next she would be predicting for him to die of autoerotic asphyxiation. He had been there, heard that; he had also decided never to try autoerotic asphyxiation.
Maybe, Mulder thought, I can live forever with Scully.
“Of course Connie would try and pin the blame on me” she laughed; “she and I never got on. She couldn’t stand Brian hanging out with me; she gets jealous of any other woman who she sees her boyfriends with”.
Mulder and Scully both looked at each other.
“Oh, a text” Diane shouted, distracted; staring at her phone, she read aloud: “Here is a picture of you from your party that I forgot to send”.
She stared at her screen: “Yes, I think I remember this picture now; that face I was pulling. We got distracted because Jake ran out of the house to collect some flowers”.
As Mulder and Scully looked on, him trying to fake a laugh, and her rolling her eyes, Diane added: “Oh, Jake, you know how to spoil a photograph. Sorry, where are my manners?”
She pointed her camera at the agents; “Jake loves getting his butt out on camera”.
“Well, I think we have heard enough” Scully smiled; “we’ll be letting you get on”.
As the agents prepared to leave, Diane told them: “Don’t give up; I just know you’re getting close”.
Mulder and Scully nodded; as they walked out of the building, Mulder told Scully: “She’s right - I’m certain we’re close”.
Close, as soon as they did a quick background check on one of their suspects.
Then, they saw him, approaching them along the sidewalk in his wheelchair.
Skinner.
It was spooky how well he was able to track them down.
“Agents, I understand you had a run-in with the detectives working on this case?”
“I was waiting for Scully to tell me, ‘that’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into’” Mulder smiled, before realising that neither his partner nor Skinner was laughing.
“Agents, maybe it’s time to give this case a rest?” Skinner sighed; “let the local detectives handle this”.
“Walter, I think Agent Scully and I may be getting close” Mulder retorted.
Skinner looked at Mulder, then at Scully.
“As ridiculous as this is, I think we may be on to something” Scully replied, “but we will need to pay a visit to the Vital Records Office”.
“Or, you could let the detectives handle this, Agents” replied Skinner.
“Are you coming with us, Skin Man?” was all Mulder replied.
“We’ve gone through this before, Mulder; don’t call me that”.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
Dan and Sandra didn’t want to speak to each other that evening, but if they were to go and see Dr. Thumb, it looked like they would have to.
She really wanted to hit him over the head with a frying pan.
He wanted to drown her in the ornamental fishpond.
“I don’t know why you’re even bothering with marriage guidance” she snapped, as she put on her coat; “I think the only guidance you need is someone to show you how to leave the house and never return”.
“Oh, you’re a good one to talk” Dan retorted; “you usually don’t know how to get past the liquor cabinet. That’s right, I can smell the vodka on your breath; make sure you don’t breathe on any naked flames!”
“I only drink because it numbs the pain of having to listen to you!” Sandra snapped back, as she opened the front door and strode out. “All that talk about television shows like Real Housewives of Crystal City or whatever, and Shark Tank”.
“I wasn’t talking about a television programme” Dan snipped back, trying his best to keep up with his wife, “I was talking about where I’d like to put you, if I didn’t feel so sorry for the sharks. I don’t think they like the taste of a bitter middle-aged woman”.
“When you proposed to me, I should have taken a leaf out of their books!” Sandra shot back, as she opened the car door, and got in the driver’s seat. “I should have told you, ‘I’m out’”.
“Oh, of course you’re going to insist on driving” Dan shouted, as he climbed into the passenger seat; “like you’ve been driving me crazy for the last week or so”.
“Shut up and give me the keys”.
“Anything to get this circus over with” Dan replied, handing over the keys.
These proved to be his not-so-famous last words; the moment that Sandra turned the key in the ignition, the bomb that Charles Scully had planted earlier that day exploded, and a giant orange fireball engulfed the car.
Dan and Sandra’s wishes finally came true, in a way.
Although both had wished that they could have stayed alive to dance on the other’s grave.
In the near future, the Cigarette Smoking Man would stop by at the cheap grave where their living relatives eventually buried what forensics were able to scrape off the wreckage of the car, off the walls, and fish out of the ornamental pond. The Smoking Man would leave only a smouldering cigarette butt as he smirked at a job well done.
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
Mulder held up Hilda’s brain in its jar that evening, ignoring Scully’s groans of “Mulder, give it a rest”.
“I think we’ve got it figured out, Hilda” he said; “We’ve figured out who killed you, at least I think we have; we’re a little unsure about the motive”.
“You mean to say, no unfinished business for me?” Hilda replied; “that I can rest in peace? Well, I might miss talking to you, Foxy Fox”.
Mulder laughed: “Here’s looking at you, kid”.
Then, he told Hilda exactly what he and Scully knew.
After that, he made a few phone calls, and he also texted Diane Duane.
Mulder and Scully then spent some time making phone calls to every fancy dress hire shop in the area.
XXXXX
It was a scene almost worthy of an Agatha Christie novel, although the settings she used were usually a bit swankier than a Chicago hotel lobby. Hercule Poirot would definitely not have been seen dead in this place.
Onlookers watched the scene unfold as several people entered the room: Brian Gipe, Jake Grimes, Diane Duane, Connie Clutterbuck and Sue Stankey. The two detectives, Hooks and Dale also arrived, both grumbling to each other about how this was their case.
People stared briefly as Mulder held up Hilda’s brain, and then went back to ignoring the party, assuming it was some kind of film prop.
“What is that?” Jake gagged.
“It’s the brain of a murder victim” Mulder announced; “Dr. Hilda Reiner”.
“You think one of us killed her?” asked Diane.
“I am certain the killer is in this room” Mulder added, “it was a three-pipe problem, but in the end I think we had it cracked”.
“Well, it wasn’t me” Sue grumbled, blowing gum bubbles.
“You’re right” said Mulder; “despite your opposition to everything she was doing; we don’t think you had anything to do with it”.
“Yet you dragged me all the way here” Sue protested.
Ignoring her complaint, Mulder continued: “Brian Gipe had access to the flat; he could have gone right back and killed her”.
“I didn’t though” Brian said, defensively.
“No, you didn’t” said Mulder, “maybe it was Connie, who apparently had an alibi for her whereabouts that evening”.
“Uhh, yes, I did” said Connie, rolling her eyes.
“It wasn’t you either” said Mulder; “which brings us on to Jake Grimes”.
All eyes were on Jake now; “come on, you don’t think I did it, do you? I was at the party with Brian”.
“You certainly were, for some time” Mulder confirmed, “but that’s where you fooled everyone, including Brian”.
It was Brian’s turn to look shocked.
“Brian” said Mulder, “it’s true that Jake has a tattoo on his butt?”
“Sorry, but what exactly does this have to do with anything?” protested Detective Dale.
“I asked Diane to send me a picture that she took at her party” said Mulder, holding out his phone. The crowd leaned in to take a look.
“I see Jake is still dropping his pants for the camera” Sue muttered; “he always was a big kid”.
“You see, Brian thought that was Jake too” Mulder replied, “but as you will see, where’s the tattoo on his butt?”
“It’s not there” Brian agreed.
“I think this is where we make the big reveal” said Mulder, sending a quick text on his phone.
Almost on cue, Scully and Skinner appeared through the elevator door a few moments later; they had been waiting a floor above for this moment. It had been Mulder’s idea to make things more dramatic.
There was a man with them; he looked familiar.
Save for the lack of facial hair, he looked very much like Jake, only with glasses. He looked a bit reluctant as Scully and Skinner escorted him through the lobby.
“Our friend Walter can be quite persuasive” Mulder smiled.
“He showed up in his car, told me he could show me a good time” the man complained, in a distinctively British accent, “when he showed me a pair of handcuffs, I got all excited”.
“Oh sure, announce that bit to the whole hotel” Skinner complained; “Agents, this is the most bizarre favour you have ever got me to do”.
“I think we need to introduce you to Martin Grimes” Scully announced, “and this is the man who Brian arrived at Diane’s party with”.
Brian looked at Martin, and then looked at Jake; then he looked at Martin again.
“He and Jake are twins” Mulder confirmed; “the Vital Records Office confirmed it”.
“We’re guessing Jake never got around to telling you this?” Scully asked Brian.
“He lives not far out of Chicago” added Skinner; “in Braidwood, which is where I - let’s say, apprehended - him”.
“He handcuffed me in a hotel room all night” Martin whined.
“Shut up” said Mulder, Scully and Skinner together.
“But, how?” Brian asked, confused.
“We called several fancy dress costume hires” Scully replied, “you said that Jake dressed as George Michael for the party. We found out that Gilligan’s costume hire across town recently lent two George Michael costumes to the same person.
“Jake and Martin both wore the same costume” Mulder explained, “but Martin was the one who Brian arrived at the party with, while Jake snuck into the flat and killed Dr. Reiner”.
“How could you?” Hilda shouted, not that anyone other than Mulder could hear.
“After he committed the crime, he arrived in the flower delivery truck, and Jake stepped in, to take the delivery” Scully added.
“Then” Mulder continued, “Jake stepped out, and Martin drove off”.
“The perfect illusion” Skinner added.
“It’s a bit far-fetched” Hilda muttered, “but intricate all the same”.
At this point, Jake turned red in the face: “Okay, I confess; it was me; I killed Hilda!”
“Murderer!” shouted Hilda, only to be shushed by Mulder, who then wondered why he had bothered.
Brian stared at Jake: “Why would you do that?”
“I thought you were in a secret relationship with her” Jake spluttered; “I felt threatened”.
“I told you it was a crime of passion” Detective Hooks said to Detective Dale; “that’s a slap-up meal you owe me, don’t forget our wager”.
“Jake” said Brian, “I only ever had eyes for you.”
“Really?” asked Jake, grabbing Brian’s hand.
“Not any more”; Brian wrenched his hand away.
“All thanks to Agents Mulder and Scully” Detective Dale muttered.
Mulder turned to the detectives: “All thanks to Detectives Dale and Hooks, you mean”.
“You mean?” the detectives said, in unison.
“I think, what Agent Mulder means” said Scully; “is you can always take the credit for it”.
“Take Jake to the Chicago PD” Mulder smiled; “Agents Mulder and Scully were never here”.
“Don’t forget Martin” added Skinner; “he was aiding and abetting”.
At that point, Diane hurried over to Mulder, Scully and Skinner: “Agent Fox Mulder, I was meaning to tell you before, I’ve heard all about you. You might say that I’m a bit of a fangirl”.
“I can give autographs” Mulder laughed.
“Is it true that you met a shape-shifting alien bounty hunter?” Diane asked.
“I’ll let you into a secret” Mulder replied; “there were several”.
Scully glanced around; the detectives had taken Jake and Martin away, and the other visitors were beginning to depart the building.
“We must stay in touch” added Diane; “here’s my card”.
She handed the agents a sleek-looking business card, then added: “I must be going”. She smiled at the agents, and then headed for the exit.
“I thought you had Hilda’s brain with you” Scully commented; “where is it?”
Scully was right; Hilda’s brain had disappeared.
“She didn’t say anything to me” said Mulder; “either I’ve stopped hearing her, or…”
“Maybe she didn’t need your help any more” Scully suggested.
“You think maybe her consciousness, or whatever finally departed?” Mulder suggested.
“I think, you can make up your mind however you like” replied Skinner; “isn’t it time we got back to Washington? I presume you heard about that car bomb last night; killed a couple. Apparently Kersh is already going wild about it, downplaying any domestic terrorism claims.
XXXXX
LOCATION UNKNOWN
“We didn’t think we’d manage it” said Detective Dale, “but Agent Mulder is letting his standards slip”.
“He turned his back, and we took our chance” added Detective Hooks.
Morris Fletcher chuckled: “Ah, Agent Mulder; I met him once, briefly. I prefer his redheaded partner myself”.
Detective Dale pulled Hilda’s brain, in its jar, out of the large knapsack that he had been carrying.
“Perfect” said Morris; “let’s get this lady back to where she belongs. Don’t forget, if you ever get tired of detecting, there are plenty of good jobs going with the Men in Black.”
“Saving the world from the scum of the universe?” asked Detective Hooks.
Morris laughed: “Not exactly; just saving it from Agent Mulder, and his crazy ideas”.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
Leyla handed Tena over to Mulder and Scully.
“I hope she’s been no trouble” Scully said; “we were away for longer than planned”.
“No trouble at all” said Leyla; “I got her to sleep last night by talking about the man who could control the weather”.
“At least it wasn’t a creepy one” Mulder smiled.
Mulder and Scully looked down at little Tena, who smiled back at them.
The smile reminded the Agents of someone, but they couldn’t quite think who.
They decided it probably wasn’t worth worrying about.
THE END
I admit, some of it is a bit far-fetched and ludicrous, farcial even, but it's inspired partly by "The Man With Two Brains".
I also loved the idea of Mulder gathering all the suspects into one room, Agatha Christie like.
As for the sublot with the Cigarette Smoking Man, wait and see.
Episode 12x06: They Saved Hilda’s Brain
CHICAGO, IL
It would have been faster to have walked, Dr. Hilda Reiner thought, as she stepped off the bus. She was finished with another day of scientific research, most of which had involved testing products on monkeys. There had been a protest outside the lab again today, and she had wished she was in possession of a battering ram to get through.
But then again, this is America, does anyone walk?
She unlocked the door to her flat, and almost ran slap back into Brian.
“Oh, honey!” Brian cried out, in his camp voice, “You didn’t half frighten me”.
Brian Gipe was dressed as Freddie Mercury, or at least an African-American Freddie Mercury.
Freddie Mercury in Queen’s video of “I Want to Break Free”, and was even holding a little carpet sweeper.
“Are you off to a fancy dress party?”
“What do you mean, Honey?” Brian asked, “this is my normal outfit”.
Hilda laughed, what was her flatmate like?
“I’m joking of course, Hilda!” he added, “Jake and I are out partying; he’s going as George Michael.
Jake Grimes was Brian’s long-term boyfriend; they often showed up at the flat in the middle of the night, talking loudly after too many mimosas.
“Don’t wait up!” Brian added, as he left the door.
Hilda slumped down on the sofa, and put the television on; she would need her earplugs tonight.
She caught part of a news report, “…the mystery of why the small town of Fata Morgana continues. It is rumours that shortly before it became deserted, a coach broke down on its way to Los Angeles. Conspiracy theorist Ted O’Malley has suggested that someone who was on that bus somehow caused the mass exodus, but so far he has not provided a concrete explanation…”
Hilda changed channels; as much as she enjoyed Skye Leikin’s news reports, the mention of conspiracy theories, and especially Tad O’Malley, made her groan.
The channel she switched over to was showing a repeat of The Big Bang Theory; she enjoyed this programme. Watching Sheldon Cooper made her laugh and cringe at the same time.
She was so absorbed by the show that she did not hear the front door opening again, did not hear the footsteps in the corridor.
Hilda did not know it quite yet, but tonight was not her lucky night; she was about to be murdered. Her killer had just arrived in the flat.
The killer opened the door quietly, but stood on a loose floorboard.
“Damn” the killer muttered, but Hilda was too engrossed in listening to Howard Wolowitz argue with his mother to notice.
The killer pulled out the revolver and fired once; fired twice, three times.
Hilda slumped down on the sofa, blood pouring out of the wound in her heart.
“Who…?” she managed to say, before she finally succumbed. It seemed that she had not managed to recognise her killer before giving up this mortal coil.
Tonight had definitely not been her lucky night.
XXXXX
“For the last time, Mulder; I don’t think Tena’s first word will be alien”.
Mulder excitedly held aloft the mobile he had made himself; instead of the normal bunnies and cows, six month old Tena would have flying saucers to look at over her crib.
“Maybe she’ll say: Victory shall be mine?” Mulder suggested.
“What?” Scully asked.
“Stewie Griffin” explained Mulder.
Scully looked blankly.
“Did you never watch Family Guy?”
Mulder and Scully were interrupted by a knock at the door, and Scully went down to answer it.
“Agent Scully - I mean, Dana”.
“Leyla” replied Scully.
Leyla Harrison had once upon a time worked for the F.B.I.; she was a bit of a fangirl to Agents Mulder and Scully, but she had quit and taken up a job as a childminder. She now stood on the porch of Mulder and Scullys’ house, dressed as Mary Poppins, complete with umbrella.
“Excuse the costume” she said, “I thought it would be fun for little Tena; it was either this or Maria von Trapp”.
“Thank you for doing this” replied Scully, “it’s the only way that I can help Mulder on the X-Files, especially now that I don’t have my mother any more”.
“A pleasure” replied Leyla, before adding: “Hello, Fox”, as she saw Mulder appearing down the stairs.
“Have you got everything you need?” Mulder asked.
“Absolutely” replied Leyla, “Tena and I will have a great time”.
“Oh, and one more thing” Scully added, “I hope you’re not telling her too many stories about X-Files that Mulder and I worked on; she is only a baby”.
Leyla Harrison loved sharing stories about old X-Files that she had heard about, but not always fully understood. She had been given her first warning for stories about “Eugene Tooms, the stretchy liver-eating mutant”.
“I’ll try not to” smiled Leyla, as Mulder and Scully hurried out of the door.
“We’ll see you later” Mulder called, over his shoulder.
“So, Mulder, what’s our latest case?”
“Oh, this is strictly off the record” replied Mulder, as he started the car engine, “I’ve discovered a so-called top secret facility, and we’re sneaking in”.
“You deliberately waited until you had started the engine before you told me that, didn’t you, Mulder?”
“You know me, Scully”.
Scully rolled her eyes; this was another fine mess her partner was about to get her into.
XXXXX
“Mulder, I don’t think we can just sneak around in here”.
Mulder and Scully were tip-toeing down a nondescript corridor. Mulder had needed a pair of wire cutters, and Kimmy the Geek’s hacking skills, to get into the compound; so far, so good.
“Relax, Scully; I don’t think there’s anyone around”.
A door nearby had a keypad by it; Mulder calmly typed in “1121”, and the door opened.
“Your friends were able to get the passcode” Scully whispered, surprised.
“You got it, Scully”.
Inside the room, it looked like the final scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark; it was full of large packing crates, as far as the eye could see.
“Your holy grail then, Mulder”.
“Let’s see if I can get one of these open, Scully”.
“Hands where we can see them” a voice on the opposite site of the room shouted.
Mulder and Scully looked up, and saw the group of armed soldiers approaching; they did not look like people who should be messed with.
“Ah, hello guys” said Mulder, cool as a cucumber; “did you not get the memo? We’re helping with your decluttering efforts”.
Oh, boy thought Scully, rolling her eyes.
After a pause, the leader of the armed soldiers replied: “Nice try, Agent Mulder, but this is all important stuff, and top secret. You are Special Agent Fox Mulder, are you not?”
“He’s the one that man with the cigarettes warned us about all those years ago, isn’t he?” whispered one of the subordinates?
“Shush” one of the other soldiers replied.
“You must have us mistaken” Mulder bluffed, “I’m Agent Miller, and this is Agent Einstein”.
“Agents Miller and Einstein?” the leader replied, briefly distracted.
“RUN!” Mulder shouted.
Scully didn’t need any more prompting; both agents ran back the way they had come; Scully ran right, and Mulder ran left.
“I always said the pincer movement was the better way of capturing suspects” said the first subordinate who had spoken.
“Yes” another added, “We needed a group to cut them off from behind”.
“All very well in hindsight” muttered another.
“Quiet” the leader replied, “and let’s get after them”.
XXXXX
Mulder ran; he wasn’t sure where Scully was; he just had to outrun the soldiers. He took one quick turn, and then another. Seeing a keypad, he typed in “1121” again; and the door by it opened. He wondered how fast the security codes got changed in this place after a breach. Glancing in, Mulder could see another long corridor.
He thought for a second, and noticed a second door nearby, also fitted with a keypad; he pulled out his empty packet of sunflower seeds. He quickly folded it a few times, and slipped it under the door, wedging it open. He quickly went to the other keypad, praying the same combination would work.
It did; Mulder quietly closed the door behind him, and looked around him.
All he could see were glass jars, filled with liquid, like something off Futurama.
There was something else about the jars; each one had a human brain inside.
He was briefly distracted by the sound of the guards falling for his bluff.
“That Fox sure is quick” one of them said.
“But not very bright” another added.
“This quick brown fox won’t be jumping over any lazy dogs soon” added a third.
Suckers, Mulder thought.
“Hello?” a female voice said; Mulder was startled.
“Shhh” he whispered, “Don’t give the game away”.
Looking around, Mulder realised he couldn’t see anyone; just several jars with preserved brains inside.
“Where are you?” he whispered.
“You’re looking right at me, Big Boy”.
Mulder stared at the brains; was one of them talking to him?
“Come closer, Darling”.
Mulder walked right up to the brain that was directly in front of him.
“To your right, silly”.
Mulder picked up the jar to the right.
“You’ve got me” the voice said, “now, if you don’t mind, I need your help getting me out of here”.
“Who are you?”
“Oh, how silly of me not to introduce myself; Dr. Hilda Reiner. I recognise you as Fox Mulder, your reputation precedes you. I also need your help to solve a murder”.
“A murder?” Mulder replied, “I’ll just need to get my deerstalker and pipe; whose murder?”
“My own; all I know is, I was shot in my own apartment. From behind, too; the coward.”
“First, we’ll have to get out of here, though” replied Mulder; “I am not certain my little ruse will have fooled them for long”.
“If you follow my instructions” Hilda replied, “I might be able to get you out of here. I took note when they wheeled me in here”.
“I’m listening” replied Mulder; now, all he needed to do was get out, and convince Scully that a dead woman’s brain was speaking to him.
XXXXX
Ten minutes later, Mulder was jumping into the car with Scully, holding the brain in a jar. She had been circulating around the place trying to see if she could spot Mulder, although it felt like a fool’s errand.
“Mulder” she said, “Do you know how much dumb luck I needed to get out of there? This really is the last time you pull a stunt like that on me. What exactly have we achieved here?”
Mulder pointed at the brain in a jar.
“Are you going to ask for a brain transplant?” Scully sniped, “maybe it will turn you into a rational person”.
“No, Scully; it’s a talking brain” Mulder replied, “Dr. Hilda Reiner, and we’re going to solve her murder”.
“Don’t bother trying to explain all of this to your partner, Fox; I’m speaking telepathically, and only you can hear me”.
“Mulder” Scully replied, “I think you are finally losing it”.
XXXXX
ATLANTA, GEORGIA
Charles Scully had been expecting this day.
When the black car pulled up behind him, and the window wound down, revealing the Cigarette Smoking Man inside, he didn’t bother to run.
He reluctantly entered the car, and the Cigarette Smoking Man motioned to his chauffer to drive on.
“I haven’t managed to terminate Special Agent Reyes” he spluttered, “I saw her once, but things didn’t quite go to plan”.
Charles had stalked Monica Reyes in the street five months previously; he thought she hadn’t noticed him, and just as he got to a quiet spot, he got bolder, and closed in on his prey.
That was when Reyes turned around, and grabbed him in a headlock.
“You can either tell me why you are following me, or I can force the information out of you!” she snapped. It seemed that his false beard, and the fact that they hadn’t exactly spoken directly in his sister’s room in the maternity ward, had stopped her from recognising him.
“I … er … wanted to ask you out on a date?” Charles had ventured.
“You really think I’ll believe that?” Reyes had replied.
This was the point when two police officers had shown up, and asked Reyes if there was a problem, and Charles had very quickly found himself dragged off to the police station.
Since his release, he hadn’t seen Agent Reyes.
“It seems unlikely that Agent Reyes is even in Atlanta anymore” the Cigarette Smoking Man continued, “but there is a more pressing matter to deal with, more pressing than her. Maybe you can even prove your competence to me at last”.
“So, you’re not going to kill me?” Charles replied, feeling relieved.
The Cigarette Smoking Man laughed, then replied: “Not yet”.
XXXXX
“Mulder, this is ridiculous” said Scully, as soon as Leyla Harrison had left, remarking how well-behaved Tena had been.
“There’s one way to settle this” Mulder replied, switching on his laptop.
He connected to the internet, and typed in the words:
Hilda Reiner Murder
“There you have it, Scully” Mulder grinned.
A news article confirmed that a Dr. Hilder Reiner had indeed been found murdered in her Chicago flat one month previously. Her housemate and his partner had discovered the body as they returned late at night from a party; dead from a gunshot wound. Police were struggling to find a motive for the killing.
“The article says that she was upsetting the animal rights groups” commented Scully.
“You can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs” said Hilda, though of course only Mulder could hear her; “it was important research”.
“This doesn’t prove that a brain is talking to you, Mulder; are you sure you didn’t read this in a newspaper article?”
“Are you at least willing to come to Chicago with me?”
“I take it reminding you that the police probably have this in hand won’t deter you?”
“Let’s see if we can give them some - let’s say unofficial - help” Mulder replied.
“Yes, fine” Scully muttered; she would need to keep Mulder’s sanity in check, “but I don’t understand how you are getting this information”.
“Telepathy” Mulder smiled back, “Don’t forget, I was able to hear people’s thoughts at one point?”
Scully remembered; being exposed to an ancient carving several years ago had prompted Mulder to start losing his mind.
“So, you say you’re hearing a dead person’s thoughts? Why doesn’t she know who killed her”
“The brain is said to stay active after death” replied Mulder.
“There have been cases where brain activity has lasted for a few hours after death” Scully replied, “but not for an entire moth”.
She discretely got out her mobile phone, and texted Skinner:
Mulder coming out with some crazy stuff; taking me to Chicago to solve a murder; thinks he’s getting telepathic messages. I might need some backup if possible.
“She says she had her back turned from her killer, and didn’t see who it was” Mulder called out; “so I think her story checks out anyway”.
Five minutes later, Skinner texted back.
I’ll book the first wheelchair accessible flight to Chicago that I can.
Scully thanked her lucky stars that she wouldn’t be at home with Mulder’s ravings.
She called Leyla, and asked: “Can we trust you with Tena for a few days? Something came up; we’ll pay you extra”.
“Oh, no problem, Dana” Leyla replied, “sounds like you’ve got yourself a thrilling X-File; don’t tell me, Eugene Tooms isn’t dead, and he’s back?”
“If Leyla is talking about Tooms” Mulder said, as though he could read her mind, “he wouldn’t be due back until 2023, even if he were alive!”
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
The man who opened the door had on only jeans and a baseball cap, facing backwards. He looked about thirty-five, and probably thought he was ripped, despite the fact that he hadn’t been able to entirely get rid of his beer gut.
“Brian Gipe?” Scully asked, relieved that Mulder had left the brain in their hotel room, and they weren’t going to have to explain that it apparently belonged to a deceased resident of this very flat.
“Brian” the man called; he spoke with a British accent, before adding: “Jake Grimes; I’m just visiting”.
The Agents heard a toilet flush as they entered the room, and moments later, a forty-something African-American man entered the room; this was evidently Brian.
As Jake walked away, Mulder noted the “ASPCA” acronym on the crown of his cap. “I’ll be getting back to my workout” he added, to Brian, and started to do push-ups in the corner.
“Agents Mulder and Scully, F.B.I.” said Mulder.
“We believe you were Hilda Reiner’s flatmate” Scully added.
“I’ve told the police everything” Brian stammered, “now the F.B.I. are involved?”
“Let’s say, on an unofficial capacity” Mulder replied, “but you can start by telling us where you were when Hilda was killed”.
“He was with me” Jake interrupted, without breaking away from his exercise routine.
“We were at my friend Diane’s 40th birthday party” Brian explained, “it was a fancy dress party, and we dressed up as dead singers. I went as Freddie Mercury, and Jake went as George Michael.”
“There were about seven Michael Jacksons and eight Whitney Houstons” Jake remarked, finishing his exercise routine, “I’m just going to use your shower, Brian”.
As Mulder and Scully watched, Jake took off his cap, and put it to one side, then he casually pulled off his jeans, before walking - now naked - into a nearby door; moments later, they heard a shower going.
Seeing Scully’s blushes, Brian replied, “you’ll have to excuse Jake; he’s a bit of an exhibitionist. He did that in front of my mother once.”
“How long have you been dating?” Scully asked.
“Just six months” Brian replied, “before then, I was in a relationship with a woman - Connie - I think she couldn’t handle me being bisexual, and having feeling for men. She accused me of staring at another guy’s abs in the park”.
“Were you?” Mulder asked.
“Of course I was” Brian laughed, “but I’m with Jake now; I gave him a copy of the key to my flat after we’d been dating for three months, and he comes over here all the time. The only reason he’s not moved in is because he can’t bear to leave his mother on her own; I can’t stand the woman myself. To be honest, I think he wished he was able to share the flat with me.”
“I think we’re getting a bit off track” Scully interrupted, “so, on the night when Hilda was murdered, you and Jake both went to the party?”
“That’s right; we met just down the road, outside his apartment; we walked to Diane’s party; it was just a few blocks away. We stayed there until around 4 in the morning, and then returned here to find Hilda dead”.
Mulder nodded, “we will need to speak to Diane, to confirm your story”.
“Thank you for your time” Scully added, “we’ll be going now”.
XXXXX
“Don’t tell me you weren’t enjoying the sight of Jake naked” Mulder told Scully, back in their hotel room.
“I had noticed he had a tattoo on his butt” Scully replied, keeping a straight face; “I could just make out that it read JAKE AND BRIAN FOREVER”.
“I guess he reckons Brian is the one then”, Mulder grinned, “I noticed Jake has a connection with ASPCA; they’re an animal rights, group, aren’t they?”
“That’s right” came Hilda’s voice, from Mulder’s suitcase; the agents had hidden the brain there, just to save the awkwardness of explaining its presence to housekeeping.
Mulder pulled the brain out of his suitcase.
“They weren’t too fond of the company I worked for” Hilda continued, “we were into animal testing; I used to see a group of them outside for several weeks before I - you know - croaked”.
“Scully” Mulder said, “maybe we could speak to someone from this ASPCA group that Jake was involved in; any one of them could have had a motive for killing Hilda, including Jake himself”.
“Except that Brian has given Jake an alibi” Scully reminded him, “they were at a party together”.
“I don’t think I even saw Jake at any of the protests” Hilda added, “at least your wife has been paying attention”.
“My ‘wife’ has been eyeing up Jake” Mulder laughed.
Scully rolled her eyes, at the sight of Mulder talking to the brain.
“It has occurred to me” he added, “that we need to check whether Jake had time to sneak out of the party, go back to Hilda’s flat, murder her, and then come back, without Brian being any the wiser; they were only a few blocks away”.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
“Where’s Tena?” asked Jeffrey, covering his eyes.
Leyla watched, amused; was that a faint sign of laughter that she was showing?
She sat down next to Jeffrey, and said to Tena, “Your Mommy and Daddy are off solving an X-File, or something; your Daddy tells me he has a talking brain”.
“Uncle Jeff wishes he’d got to know your Daddy more” Jeffrey added.
“This all reminds me of a case I read about before” Leyla smiled, “there was this cleaner, who lost his brother, but the brother’s brain was able to give him instructions; instructions to … uh, uh”; she realised that this story was possibly not appropriate to tell an infant.
“His brother told him to help save the planet” Jeff said, “he encouraged all the doctors he worked with to recycle more”.
“Yes, that’s it” said Leyla, thankful for the save; she didn’t want Agent Scully giving her a lecture on not telling a story about someone who got their head frozen in liquid nitrogen, and smashed, or sucked into a giant engine, like that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Tena was staring at Jeff’s T-shirt; it bore images of every sign of the Zodiac. Jeff had always been into this thing, despite Leyla had warned him that the dangers of embracing astrology were that “you never know when another bellhop will start murdering fortune tellers”. Jeff had been intrigued by The Adventure of Clyde Bruckman and the Fortune Teller Killer when he had first heard it from Leyla, though he had wondered why there was so much focus on whether Agent Mulder stepped in a banana cream pie.
Tena started pointing at one of the signs on the T-shirt.
“That’s right” said Leyla, “that’s Gemini, the twins”.
Tena kept pointing; she seemed very insistent about something.
“It’s almost like she wants your T-shirt” said Leyla.
“Tell her, I’m not taking it off” replied Jeff, “I’m self-conscious about my man boobs”.
As they watched, Tena seemed transfixed by the one image of the star sign Gemini.
“Okay, little lady” said Leyla, “time to get you to bed”.
As Leyla picked her up off Jeff’s lap, she began to cry, loudly.
“Ah, is someone missing her Mommy?” Leyla asked, “maybe I should tell you the story of the wild people living in the woods again”.
“Leyla” Jeff laughed, “I’ve heard that one, and I will never accept it as a proper X-File”.
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
Sue Stankey could have been a grown-up version of Greta Thunberg. She was also the chair of the Chicago branch of ASPCA, and looked less than thrilled to be talking to Mulder. She looked bleary-eyed, as though she had been forced to get out of bed too early, when Mulder arrived at her apartment, at 11am the next day.
Her apartment was sparsely decorated, apart from staple furniture items, and a large canvas on the wall that bore a “peace” symbol.
“So, someone from that scum animal research company died” she said nonchalantly; “I suppose you think one of us did it. We’re a peaceable organisation”.
“Well, one individual possibly; Jake Grimes” Mulder replied.
“That limey fool” Sue laughed, “we kicked him out some time ago; we thought he was a bit of a - make that a massive - hypocrite”.
“Oh, in what way?”
“He started wearing real fur” Sue replied; “we quickly realised that he didn’t really care much for animal rights. I doubt he’d care anything like enough to have killed this doctor of yours.”
“Well, maybe someone else…”
“Look, if you’re going to suggest a member of our group committed a murder on someone who we couldn’t name, you’re sorely mistaken, Agent Fox Mouldy, if that really is your name” Sue snapped back, “we’re a peaceable organisation”.
“Well, if you think of anything” Mulder replied, “here’s my card”.
“Yeah, yeah” Sue replied, taking Mulder’s card, and dropping it on the floor “I suggest you ‘sling your hook’, as Jake would have put it”.
XXXXX
“You’re out of your mind” Brian laughed.
“So, you think there’s no way that Jake could have snuck around to your flat while you were at the party? After all, he did have a copy of your key”.
“He’s not the type” Brian replied, “it takes five minutes to walk around between our flats, and Jake was barely out of my sight. He only vanished off to make trips to the John, and even then, he insisted I stand outside the door and talk to him; he wanted to get things off his chest”.
Scully’s eyes widened.
“Mostly about RuPaul’s Drag Race” Brian laughed, “he couldn’t believe some of the outfits they had on; he was talking about how many had colours that clashed”.
“So, he never left the flat?”
“Well, there was when that lovely man went out to get the surprise he’d arranged for Diane. He works for a florist, and one of their vans showed up. I watched Jake out of the window; he stepped into the back of the van, and moments later, returned with a huge bouquet of flowers.”
Scully sighed; so, that ruled out Jake as a suspect.
“Well, I’ll leave you in peace” she replied; “it looks like you’ve given him an alibi”.
“I’ll be honest” Brian replied, “if you ask me, the most likely person to have done it is Connie, and I told the cops this”.
“Oh” Scully replied, her eyes widening again.
“Connie Clutterbuck; she often believed that I was in a relationship with Hilda; she couldn’t cope with the idea that I might be in love with a guy” Brian sighed. “We met each other in the gym showers” he continued; “I saw his wang, and he saw mine, and we just hit it off from there”.
“Love at first sight, in more ways than one” replied Scully, “well, you’ve been a great help”.
“We got chatting” Brian continued; “he reached out and gave me a firm hand…”
“Too much information” Scully interrupted; “I must be going”.
Brian looked confused: “You really have a strange mind, Agent Scully; I was going to say, he gave me a firm handshake, and we just got talking”.
Scully’s face reddened; “I see, well good day to you, Mr. Gipe; we’ll be in touch”.
XXXXX
Mulder wondered why Scully requested a table for three at the restaurant that evening. When he saw Skinner wheeling himself towards their table, it all because clear.
“Who’s the hunky bald man coming this way?” Hilda asked from under the table; her brain was hidden inside Mulder’s rucksack.
“You can see through a rucksack?” Mulder asked.
“Hey, I’m dead” Hilda replied, “I don’t think it’s time to nitpick how I can do things”.
“Agents” said Skinner, as the waiter moved a chair out of the way, allowing him to park his wheelchair by the table.
“Walter” said Mulder; “what a surprise”; he eyed up Scully suspiciously.
“Walter is a sexy name” Hilda said, which Mulder ignored.
“Thank you for coming” said Scully; “I think it’s the only way we can keep this sensible”.
“Does Kersh know that you’ve come out to Chicago?” Skinner asked; “not that I mind you doing things behind his back; after all, I am not at all fond of that man”.
Mulder smiled; it was good to hear what their old boss thought about Kersh.
“Kersh?” Hilda continued, “he also sounds interesting; is he single?”
“We’ve said nothing to Kersh” Scully admitted.
“I hear you’ve been quite good at going under his radar, anyway” Skinner replied; “you agents will need to keep a low profile, though. Any leads?”
“First off, there’s the victim’s flatmate” Mulder replied, “Brian Gipe; he could have easily got in, but I’m having trouble finding a motive for him.”
“He mentioned that his ex, Connie Clutterbuck may have been jealous though” Scully added; “apparently she thought the deceased was his new crush”.
“Brian’s gay” Mulder explained; “our other suspect was his boyfriend, Jake, who has been linked with an environmentalist group who didn’t like Dr. Reiner’s work, but that just reached a dead end”.
“I hope you don’t mind if I keep an eye on you, Agent” Skinner replied.
“I’ll keep an eye on you, you sexy bald man” Hilda said, from beneath the table, although Skinner couldn’t hear.
“Agent Scully says you believe you’re being contacted from beyond the grave or something” replied Skinner.
“I know you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was” Mulder replied.
“This wouldn’t be the first time something like this has happened to Mulder” Scully replied.
“May I take your order?” a waitress said, appearing at the table; a tall, skinny woman with a blonde perm. Oh, and where are my manners? My name’s Connie”.
Mulder looked in Scully’s direction; his partner was beaming.
When the waitress had taken their orders, and left, Scully said: “Don’t say I don’t do anything for you; and we got lucky in that she came to our table”.
“That’s the ex-girlfriend who you mentioned?” Skinner asked.
“Connie Clutterbuck, waitress at Gilligan’s Grill” Scully grinned; “it’s amazing what information you can get on people these days”.
One more murder suspect was all ready for questioning.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
Leyla and Jeff showed Tena a picture book that evening; it had pictures of different vehicles in it.
“See, Tena” said Jeff; “that’s a car”.
Leyla smiled, as she turned the page; Tena didn’t look all that interested.
On the next page was an image of a van, and Tena’s eyes lit up. She began pointing excitedly at the picture.
“That’s right” Leyla said, “van; V-A-N; the delivery person comes in that”.
Tena seemed transfixed by the image.
“It seems she likes vans” Jeff smiled.
Turning the page, Leyla added, “and here’s a plane”.
Tena lost interest at this point, and began staring at the ceiling instead.
“I guess she’s not so interested in planes then” Jeff suggested.
“I think she’s just tired” Leyla guessed; “it’s about time we were getting her off to sleep”.
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
Connie Clutterbuck was outside having a cigarette when Mulder and Scully approached her.
“It’s not weed” she muttered, as the Agents showed their badges, “you feds will try and arrest people for anything”.
“Connie Clutterbuck” said Scully; “we’re wanting to speak to you about a recent murder”.
“Oh, great - so if I’m not a junkie, I must be a murderer. I suppose next thing, I’ll be a firearms dealer. Look, is this going to be quick? I only get a short break”.
“Your ex-boyfriend’s flat mate, Dr. Hilda Reiner” replied Mulder, “shot dead recently”.
Connie’s jaw dropped: “She’s dead?” she asked, stunned. Either she really hadn’t been listening to the news, or she had missed her calling as an actress.
“Our understanding is that you thought Brian had left you for her” Scully explained, “she was shot on the evening of the 19th last month”.
“You think that might have been me?” Connie scowled; “look, Ms Unconvincing Redhead, but I was right here working all of that evening. There was a big function on; someone’s wedding reception, and of course someone had a vomiting incident; it was like Mr. Creosote all over again. We were here until about four in the morning clearing the place up; I had no time to commit a murder even if I wanted to. You can ask Mrs. Robbins; she’s the manager here, and she was here all night. To be honest, I think a lot of people did think that Hilda was trying to jump Brian. I never believed that rumour myself.”
“That seems like a good enough excuse to me” replied Mulder.
“So, have you Feds got any more allegations against me?” Connie asked, “like did I dump a cat in a trashcan?”
“Well, no” Scully replied; “although if you can think of anyone who might want to kill Hilda, that would be a great help”.
“Well, I’ve seen her arguing in the street a few times with another woman” Connie replied; “Diane Duane, her name is; she’s a friend of Brian’s.”
There was that name again.
Diane.
The agents would definitely have to speak to her the next day.
Skinner poked his head out of the door: “Are you two coming back in, or am I going to be eating for three in here?”
“Thank you for your time, Miss Clutterbuck” replied Mulder politely.
“No problem” replied Connie, but muttered “Pigs” under her breath as the Agents returned to the restaurant.
XXXXX
Two cops appeared from out of the shadows as Mulder and Scully returned to their motel room; they looked surprisingly like Laurel and Hardy.
“The famous Special Agent Fox Mulder” said the Oliver Hardy clone.
“I recognise these guys” Hilda’s brain said, from inside Mulder’s bag; “they couldn’t catch a criminal if they walked into the cop shop and turned themselves in”.
“Officers” said Mulder.
“I’m Detective Hooks” said the Stan Laurel clone, “and this is Detective Dale”.
“We understand you’ve been investigating one of our murder cases” added Detective Dale.
“That is right” Scully admitted.
“You must be his partner I’ve been hearing about” said Detective Hooks; “tell me, how come you spend all this time with Agent Mulder and don’t believe in aliens?”
“More like, how come she doesn’t smack him in the chops for talking all his U.F.O. nonsense?” scoffed Detective Dale.
“Anyway, we’re going off topic” added Detective Hooks, “this is an official police investigation, and you two are interfering”.
“Consider it to be some extra help” Mulder smiled.
Detective Dale scowled, then replied: “If we solve this murder, we might stand a chance of promotion, that is, if you two back off”.
“We’ll be watching you” added Detective Hooks, “but I suggest you head back home on the first flight you can get”.
As the detectives left, Mulder heard Hilda’s brain groan: “Their prime suspect is probably the Dalai Lama”.
“Well, you heard them” said Scully, as the agents entered the hotel.
“Yes” said Mulder, “but I’ve heard what Hilda has to say; we are definitely going to speak to Diane tomorrow”.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
Dan Dickey spotted the man crouching down by his car as he looked out of the window of his reasonably sized house. It was a nice house, spacious, and big enough for him and his wife to avoid each other as much as they could; they were not on good terms, and it was his fault.
His excuse, when she had walked in on him having his affair had been: “I thought you were working late”.
She had thrown the book at him, literally, and then thrown more bits at him. That hadn’t been the end of it; Dan had really not realised what things Sandra was capable of.
That had been a week ago; a mysterious man had shown up, and said that he would make this all go away. Dan and Sandra still hadn’t got the smell of the man’s cigarettes out of their house, if they could call it their house.
She had asked him to leave.
He had told her that if she didn’t want to live with him, she should have herself.
She had refused to budge.
He had certainly seen some bizarre sights in his time, but the stranger outside was really taking the cake.
“Hey!” he shouted, approaching the stranger, “do you mind telling me what you are doing?”
Charles Scully glanced up, and then stood upright.
“Hey, Buddy” he replied calmly; “I was just undoing my shoelace; there’s no law against being safety-conscious, is there?”
“So, you came onto my property, to tie your shoelaces?”
Dan liked the sound of the words “my property”; he had used the phrase in every conversation he had managed to have with Sandra in the previous week, at least the ones that had lasted more than five seconds.
“I was coming to ring your doorbell” replied Charles Scully; “I was trying to figure out how to get to the Lincoln Memorial; is it nearby?”
Glancing up, he noticed Sandra watching them from the upper floor window.
“It’s across the other side of town” Dan muttered, unimpressed; “but I think you can take the 87 bus from the end of this street, and you should be there is no time at all”.
“Thanks” Charles replied; he began to walk away down the drive, and then replied; “I wonder if he’s related to that Andrew Lincoln?”
“You what?”
“You know - Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead”.
Dan shrugged; typical tourist, asking ridiculous questions.
“If you don’t mind, I should be getting on” he replied.
Making sure Sandra doesn’t get access to my record collection, for one thing he thought. He’d caught her using them for clay pigeon shooting practise a few days ago.
Dan’s phone rang, and he answered it.
“Hello” came the male voice on the other end, “Dr. Thomas Thumb; I believe you and Sandra are due to see me tonight”.
The marriage guidance counsellor; how could he forget?
“Oh, yes; what time did you say again”
“7.30, I believe; is that still convenient for you?”
“Yes, definitely, I…”
“Oh, harder, harder; rub me harder”.
“Sorry?” Dan asked.
“You’ll have to excuse me” Dr. Thumb relied; “I’m getting a shoulder and back rub as I make this phone call, from a very pretty young lady”.
I bet she’s prettier than my wife, Dan thought.
“So, I’ll see you later?” Dr. Thumb added.
“Definitely” Dan replied, and hung up before he heard any more of what the doctor had to say to his masseuse. He supposed he could cope with one car journey with the infernal Sandra each week; they could simply ignore each other until they got to marriage guidance.
What neither Tom or Sandra knew at this point was that neither of them were going to make it to marriage guidance. Dr. Thumb would be left sitting in his office, staring at his watch, and feeling like he might as well have gone home and watched the Simpsons repeats he was missing. They were less dysdunctional than the people had had to deal with, after all.
Charles Scully spotted the bus stop, and kept walking; he then pulled out his mobile phone, certain he was out of earshot of the Dickeys.
“I’ve done it” he said, triumphantly.
“Good to hear” replied the Cigarette Smoking Man; “it seems that you may be of use to me after all; what about Mr. Dickey’s wife?”.
“Still living with him” Charles confirmed.
“Two birds with one stone” the Cigarette Smoking Man grinned; this job has been easier than we thought”.
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
“So, all these people thought I was coming on to Brian?” Hilda scoffed; “what sort of a bunny boiler do they take me for?”
“You deny the allegations?” Mulder asked; he held Hilda’s brain up in its jar in front of him.
“What do you think?” Hilda asked, sounding like she was trying not to laugh; “besides, you can’t believe everything that Connie tells you”.
“Trust no one” Mulder smiled; “that’s my motto”.
Scully emerged from the bathroom: “That’s quite an interesting conversation you’ve been having” she muttered; “are you ready to go?”
“See you later, Alligator” Mulder said to the brain.
“In a while, Crocodile” Hilda returned.
XXXXX
No one else knew, but Diane Duane had been expecting a call from the F.B.I. agents that day; she had a bit of a sixth sense about these things. She had been about to start cooking lunch, but something made her stop and wait for the doorbell to ring.
“I had a strange feeling something like this was going to happen” she said as Mulder and Scully showed their IDs.
She had reddish hair, and a face that put Scully in mind of someone, but she couldn’t think who. Her house was impressively neat and tidy, as she showed the agents into the room.
“Let me guess” she said, appearing to be concentrating very hard; “Hilda’s murder”.
“Yes” Scully replied; “we’re trying to figure out who did it”.
“Well, you can’t possibly think I had anything to do with it” Diane laughed; “after all, I didn’t have a chance to leave the party; I was too busy rushing around getting food, chatting to guests. There are plenty of witnesses who can corroborate my story”.
Mulder and Scully nodded.
“Let me guess; it was that Connie Clutterbuck who suggested I had something to do with this?”
“Every word you have said has been correct” Mulder confirmed. This woman was reminding him of Clyde Bruckman; next she would be predicting for him to die of autoerotic asphyxiation. He had been there, heard that; he had also decided never to try autoerotic asphyxiation.
Maybe, Mulder thought, I can live forever with Scully.
“Of course Connie would try and pin the blame on me” she laughed; “she and I never got on. She couldn’t stand Brian hanging out with me; she gets jealous of any other woman who she sees her boyfriends with”.
Mulder and Scully both looked at each other.
“Oh, a text” Diane shouted, distracted; staring at her phone, she read aloud: “Here is a picture of you from your party that I forgot to send”.
She stared at her screen: “Yes, I think I remember this picture now; that face I was pulling. We got distracted because Jake ran out of the house to collect some flowers”.
As Mulder and Scully looked on, him trying to fake a laugh, and her rolling her eyes, Diane added: “Oh, Jake, you know how to spoil a photograph. Sorry, where are my manners?”
She pointed her camera at the agents; “Jake loves getting his butt out on camera”.
“Well, I think we have heard enough” Scully smiled; “we’ll be letting you get on”.
As the agents prepared to leave, Diane told them: “Don’t give up; I just know you’re getting close”.
Mulder and Scully nodded; as they walked out of the building, Mulder told Scully: “She’s right - I’m certain we’re close”.
Close, as soon as they did a quick background check on one of their suspects.
Then, they saw him, approaching them along the sidewalk in his wheelchair.
Skinner.
It was spooky how well he was able to track them down.
“Agents, I understand you had a run-in with the detectives working on this case?”
“I was waiting for Scully to tell me, ‘that’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into’” Mulder smiled, before realising that neither his partner nor Skinner was laughing.
“Agents, maybe it’s time to give this case a rest?” Skinner sighed; “let the local detectives handle this”.
“Walter, I think Agent Scully and I may be getting close” Mulder retorted.
Skinner looked at Mulder, then at Scully.
“As ridiculous as this is, I think we may be on to something” Scully replied, “but we will need to pay a visit to the Vital Records Office”.
“Or, you could let the detectives handle this, Agents” replied Skinner.
“Are you coming with us, Skin Man?” was all Mulder replied.
“We’ve gone through this before, Mulder; don’t call me that”.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
Dan and Sandra didn’t want to speak to each other that evening, but if they were to go and see Dr. Thumb, it looked like they would have to.
She really wanted to hit him over the head with a frying pan.
He wanted to drown her in the ornamental fishpond.
“I don’t know why you’re even bothering with marriage guidance” she snapped, as she put on her coat; “I think the only guidance you need is someone to show you how to leave the house and never return”.
“Oh, you’re a good one to talk” Dan retorted; “you usually don’t know how to get past the liquor cabinet. That’s right, I can smell the vodka on your breath; make sure you don’t breathe on any naked flames!”
“I only drink because it numbs the pain of having to listen to you!” Sandra snapped back, as she opened the front door and strode out. “All that talk about television shows like Real Housewives of Crystal City or whatever, and Shark Tank”.
“I wasn’t talking about a television programme” Dan snipped back, trying his best to keep up with his wife, “I was talking about where I’d like to put you, if I didn’t feel so sorry for the sharks. I don’t think they like the taste of a bitter middle-aged woman”.
“When you proposed to me, I should have taken a leaf out of their books!” Sandra shot back, as she opened the car door, and got in the driver’s seat. “I should have told you, ‘I’m out’”.
“Oh, of course you’re going to insist on driving” Dan shouted, as he climbed into the passenger seat; “like you’ve been driving me crazy for the last week or so”.
“Shut up and give me the keys”.
“Anything to get this circus over with” Dan replied, handing over the keys.
These proved to be his not-so-famous last words; the moment that Sandra turned the key in the ignition, the bomb that Charles Scully had planted earlier that day exploded, and a giant orange fireball engulfed the car.
Dan and Sandra’s wishes finally came true, in a way.
Although both had wished that they could have stayed alive to dance on the other’s grave.
In the near future, the Cigarette Smoking Man would stop by at the cheap grave where their living relatives eventually buried what forensics were able to scrape off the wreckage of the car, off the walls, and fish out of the ornamental pond. The Smoking Man would leave only a smouldering cigarette butt as he smirked at a job well done.
XXXXX
CHICAGO, IL
Mulder held up Hilda’s brain in its jar that evening, ignoring Scully’s groans of “Mulder, give it a rest”.
“I think we’ve got it figured out, Hilda” he said; “We’ve figured out who killed you, at least I think we have; we’re a little unsure about the motive”.
“You mean to say, no unfinished business for me?” Hilda replied; “that I can rest in peace? Well, I might miss talking to you, Foxy Fox”.
Mulder laughed: “Here’s looking at you, kid”.
Then, he told Hilda exactly what he and Scully knew.
After that, he made a few phone calls, and he also texted Diane Duane.
Mulder and Scully then spent some time making phone calls to every fancy dress hire shop in the area.
XXXXX
It was a scene almost worthy of an Agatha Christie novel, although the settings she used were usually a bit swankier than a Chicago hotel lobby. Hercule Poirot would definitely not have been seen dead in this place.
Onlookers watched the scene unfold as several people entered the room: Brian Gipe, Jake Grimes, Diane Duane, Connie Clutterbuck and Sue Stankey. The two detectives, Hooks and Dale also arrived, both grumbling to each other about how this was their case.
People stared briefly as Mulder held up Hilda’s brain, and then went back to ignoring the party, assuming it was some kind of film prop.
“What is that?” Jake gagged.
“It’s the brain of a murder victim” Mulder announced; “Dr. Hilda Reiner”.
“You think one of us killed her?” asked Diane.
“I am certain the killer is in this room” Mulder added, “it was a three-pipe problem, but in the end I think we had it cracked”.
“Well, it wasn’t me” Sue grumbled, blowing gum bubbles.
“You’re right” said Mulder; “despite your opposition to everything she was doing; we don’t think you had anything to do with it”.
“Yet you dragged me all the way here” Sue protested.
Ignoring her complaint, Mulder continued: “Brian Gipe had access to the flat; he could have gone right back and killed her”.
“I didn’t though” Brian said, defensively.
“No, you didn’t” said Mulder, “maybe it was Connie, who apparently had an alibi for her whereabouts that evening”.
“Uhh, yes, I did” said Connie, rolling her eyes.
“It wasn’t you either” said Mulder; “which brings us on to Jake Grimes”.
All eyes were on Jake now; “come on, you don’t think I did it, do you? I was at the party with Brian”.
“You certainly were, for some time” Mulder confirmed, “but that’s where you fooled everyone, including Brian”.
It was Brian’s turn to look shocked.
“Brian” said Mulder, “it’s true that Jake has a tattoo on his butt?”
“Sorry, but what exactly does this have to do with anything?” protested Detective Dale.
“I asked Diane to send me a picture that she took at her party” said Mulder, holding out his phone. The crowd leaned in to take a look.
“I see Jake is still dropping his pants for the camera” Sue muttered; “he always was a big kid”.
“You see, Brian thought that was Jake too” Mulder replied, “but as you will see, where’s the tattoo on his butt?”
“It’s not there” Brian agreed.
“I think this is where we make the big reveal” said Mulder, sending a quick text on his phone.
Almost on cue, Scully and Skinner appeared through the elevator door a few moments later; they had been waiting a floor above for this moment. It had been Mulder’s idea to make things more dramatic.
There was a man with them; he looked familiar.
Save for the lack of facial hair, he looked very much like Jake, only with glasses. He looked a bit reluctant as Scully and Skinner escorted him through the lobby.
“Our friend Walter can be quite persuasive” Mulder smiled.
“He showed up in his car, told me he could show me a good time” the man complained, in a distinctively British accent, “when he showed me a pair of handcuffs, I got all excited”.
“Oh sure, announce that bit to the whole hotel” Skinner complained; “Agents, this is the most bizarre favour you have ever got me to do”.
“I think we need to introduce you to Martin Grimes” Scully announced, “and this is the man who Brian arrived at Diane’s party with”.
Brian looked at Martin, and then looked at Jake; then he looked at Martin again.
“He and Jake are twins” Mulder confirmed; “the Vital Records Office confirmed it”.
“We’re guessing Jake never got around to telling you this?” Scully asked Brian.
“He lives not far out of Chicago” added Skinner; “in Braidwood, which is where I - let’s say, apprehended - him”.
“He handcuffed me in a hotel room all night” Martin whined.
“Shut up” said Mulder, Scully and Skinner together.
“But, how?” Brian asked, confused.
“We called several fancy dress costume hires” Scully replied, “you said that Jake dressed as George Michael for the party. We found out that Gilligan’s costume hire across town recently lent two George Michael costumes to the same person.
“Jake and Martin both wore the same costume” Mulder explained, “but Martin was the one who Brian arrived at the party with, while Jake snuck into the flat and killed Dr. Reiner”.
“How could you?” Hilda shouted, not that anyone other than Mulder could hear.
“After he committed the crime, he arrived in the flower delivery truck, and Jake stepped in, to take the delivery” Scully added.
“Then” Mulder continued, “Jake stepped out, and Martin drove off”.
“The perfect illusion” Skinner added.
“It’s a bit far-fetched” Hilda muttered, “but intricate all the same”.
At this point, Jake turned red in the face: “Okay, I confess; it was me; I killed Hilda!”
“Murderer!” shouted Hilda, only to be shushed by Mulder, who then wondered why he had bothered.
Brian stared at Jake: “Why would you do that?”
“I thought you were in a secret relationship with her” Jake spluttered; “I felt threatened”.
“I told you it was a crime of passion” Detective Hooks said to Detective Dale; “that’s a slap-up meal you owe me, don’t forget our wager”.
“Jake” said Brian, “I only ever had eyes for you.”
“Really?” asked Jake, grabbing Brian’s hand.
“Not any more”; Brian wrenched his hand away.
“All thanks to Agents Mulder and Scully” Detective Dale muttered.
Mulder turned to the detectives: “All thanks to Detectives Dale and Hooks, you mean”.
“You mean?” the detectives said, in unison.
“I think, what Agent Mulder means” said Scully; “is you can always take the credit for it”.
“Take Jake to the Chicago PD” Mulder smiled; “Agents Mulder and Scully were never here”.
“Don’t forget Martin” added Skinner; “he was aiding and abetting”.
At that point, Diane hurried over to Mulder, Scully and Skinner: “Agent Fox Mulder, I was meaning to tell you before, I’ve heard all about you. You might say that I’m a bit of a fangirl”.
“I can give autographs” Mulder laughed.
“Is it true that you met a shape-shifting alien bounty hunter?” Diane asked.
“I’ll let you into a secret” Mulder replied; “there were several”.
Scully glanced around; the detectives had taken Jake and Martin away, and the other visitors were beginning to depart the building.
“We must stay in touch” added Diane; “here’s my card”.
She handed the agents a sleek-looking business card, then added: “I must be going”. She smiled at the agents, and then headed for the exit.
“I thought you had Hilda’s brain with you” Scully commented; “where is it?”
Scully was right; Hilda’s brain had disappeared.
“She didn’t say anything to me” said Mulder; “either I’ve stopped hearing her, or…”
“Maybe she didn’t need your help any more” Scully suggested.
“You think maybe her consciousness, or whatever finally departed?” Mulder suggested.
“I think, you can make up your mind however you like” replied Skinner; “isn’t it time we got back to Washington? I presume you heard about that car bomb last night; killed a couple. Apparently Kersh is already going wild about it, downplaying any domestic terrorism claims.
XXXXX
LOCATION UNKNOWN
“We didn’t think we’d manage it” said Detective Dale, “but Agent Mulder is letting his standards slip”.
“He turned his back, and we took our chance” added Detective Hooks.
Morris Fletcher chuckled: “Ah, Agent Mulder; I met him once, briefly. I prefer his redheaded partner myself”.
Detective Dale pulled Hilda’s brain, in its jar, out of the large knapsack that he had been carrying.
“Perfect” said Morris; “let’s get this lady back to where she belongs. Don’t forget, if you ever get tired of detecting, there are plenty of good jobs going with the Men in Black.”
“Saving the world from the scum of the universe?” asked Detective Hooks.
Morris laughed: “Not exactly; just saving it from Agent Mulder, and his crazy ideas”.
XXXXX
WASHINGTON, DC
Leyla handed Tena over to Mulder and Scully.
“I hope she’s been no trouble” Scully said; “we were away for longer than planned”.
“No trouble at all” said Leyla; “I got her to sleep last night by talking about the man who could control the weather”.
“At least it wasn’t a creepy one” Mulder smiled.
Mulder and Scully looked down at little Tena, who smiled back at them.
The smile reminded the Agents of someone, but they couldn’t quite think who.
They decided it probably wasn’t worth worrying about.
THE END