Just layin' in bed next to Rico when Noname started barkin' up a storm. Fuck! What the hell was his problem? I just wanted to lay here for like another second with the pretty foreign boy before I had to get my ass outta bed and drag myself off to work for another night of waitin' on drunks and gamblers.
"Does that dog ever shut up?" Rico mumbled sleepily as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him under the covers. What the fuck? He knew I wasn't one for the afterglow. Rico was pretty, didn't speak much English, and was a fabulous romp in the sack. Girl didn't need much more than that if you asked me. Not that anyone did, but he should at least know what his place was around here.
"Fuck off." I muttered as I shoved him away from me and pushed the covers away from me. It was like a million fucking degrees this time of year in Vegas anyway. What the hell did we need covers for? Usually they were balled up on the floor next to my bed but everytime I had company for some reason they were always about puttin' the covers back on my bed. Like it was too exposed without 'em there or something. Whatever.
Rollin' my eyes I started rootin' around my bedroom for some clothes when Noname came bounding into the bedroom. Yapping and barking and lookin' at me like he needed something.
"What, Noname?" I asked him casually as I slipped into a pair of form fitting jeans. Nothin' but the lowest cut for work, else I was liable not to get much in the way of tips. Livin' in Vegas wasn't as cheap as everybody said it'd be.
After I'd pulled on a top, I reached to grab my smokes off the bookshelf but it looked like Noname had other ideas. With a playful growl he bit down on the bottom of my jeans and tried to pull me towards the door.
"What the fuck? It's not dinner time yet." I said as I playfully swatted him on the nose and pulled my jeans out of his jaw.
"Are you leaving?" Rico's voice piped up from the bed like he even cared. Well, he probably did. Cause when I left I was gonna have to rouse him from his drunken stoned haze and throw his ass out.
"Pretty soon." I promised him, finally grabbin' my smokes from the shelf as Noname growled again and ran to the door and back to me. "Alright. Alright. Fine. Show me what you wanna show me." I finally relented and followed him out of the door and into the living room.
What I saw nearly stopped my heart, and I stopped in my tracks in the doorway. There was a naked man on my living room floor, crawling towards the door beaten and...naked. What the....My heart was pounding so loud in my chest I couldn't even hear Noname barking and bounding over to the figure on my floor. He nudged the man with his cold nose and he turned over so I could finally see his face.
"Wesley?" I asked in a voice barely above a whisper because I was dreaming. This was a dream. This wasn't really happening. Swallowing hard I tried to push past the tears that were at least three years old now. This wasn't Wes. Wesley was dead. I was just havin' a bad trip or something. Except I hadn't done any drugs today and that was definitely Wesley laying on my living room floor. How did this...what did this....? I couldn't even form words or sentances, instead I just dropped to my knees next to him and gently pressed the palm of my hand to his beaten face as he gave me an unrecognizable and confused look. He looked wicked confused. Not half as confused as I was I bet.
"Faith, what the hell is going on?" Rico's startled voice came from behind me and I didn't even bother to turn around.
"Get out. Now." I commanded before turnin' to look back at Wes as Noname growled at Rico. Knew I kept that dog around for a reason.
"Wes? Is that you?" I asked him again, because until I heard him talk? I couldn't be sure. This was a dream. This...I didn't have words.
The footsteps, the dogs, they were getting closer. I needed to get out, away. Fast. But my body no longer knew fast, it only knew how to give up. Curl up into a ball and lie there waiting. Taking whatever was going to be dished out this time. One didn't know. One didn't dare to assume. Or hope they wouldn't notice you.
Then there were voices; several and I know a small whimper of fear escaped me. My eye went wide when the dog found me and I curled up into a ball protectively on instinct. But unlike other times, the dog did not sink its teeth in my rotting flesh. Did not tear at limbs, or bark into my ears until the bled. Instead a cold nose was nudged against me. To weak to do anything, I rolled over and scooted back on my hands and feet as much as I could.
There was a person there. Female some part of my brain provided. Dark eyes, dark hair. Stubborn face. No, that's wrong. Not stubborn this face is. I'm so confused. I flinched when I saw her hand move from the corner of my eyes. When had I become so ill prepared for punishment? I flinched back to avoid the blow that was sure to follow, but more confusing followed when the hand was pressed to my face.
Warm. Gentle. Soft.
I looked at her confused, wondering what kind of trick they were playing this time. Who is she? She asked a question and questions should never be left unanswered. The longer the wait the longer the pain.
But I didn't understand her question. I didn't understand the words. Panic surged through me and I looked up in fear at the other person hovering behind her. Another guard? A supervisor? A henchman? An executioner? A test?
My cracked lips parted, but my throat had forgotten how to speak. My voice buried somewhere so deep inside me, I had no idea where it might have gone. I shook my head, only looking at her with wide eyes of fear and panic. Need to calm down, need to find my numbness again. Why was I feeling something other then pain suddenly?
The hand was still on my face and I ached to reach out and touch it. Just to make sure it was real and I wasn't imagining things. I shook my head again and froze when the dog barked. My half open eyes, ticked toward the other person and then the dog. I had been distracted. I let myself get distracted, that could be a big mistake.
A sound came out of my throat, it may have been words, it my have been a cry, I don't know. But I quickly rolled over and tried to make my way back to the closet. Small, dark, suffocating, punishment, Hell.
I felt something well up in my throat when a strange sound suddenly made it's way out of Wesley's mouth. It took me off guard and I stumbled backwards, landing hard on my ass. I didn't move, just stayed where I was on the floor my eyes locked on Wesley's. The only sound was the door slamming shut after Rico left in a huff. I couldn't really care less about Rico's temper tantrums right about now.
When I looked in those familiar pale eyes all I could feel was a stabbing pain that was at least three years old now.
I love you.
I know.
Noname started barking again, pulling me from my trance and nudging me in the arm with his nose as if he was tryin' to get me to snap out of it. Smart dog.
Swallowing hard again I stood up and grabbed the blanket on the back of the couch before walking back over to Wesley. Bending down he flinched away from my touch but I draped the blanket around his shoulders anyways and pulled it closed around his beaten naked form. What the hell was goin' on?
Still holding the blanket around him I glanced into his eyes again and I felt like being sick. Because I could see it in his eyes. He was wild and confused.
He had no idea who I was.
It occured to me that I might try and tell him who I was, but I could find the words to tell him I was the girl that killed him. Was this some dream? Was this a haunting? Was he a ghost comin' to terrorize me for shooting him that night in Vail's house? My stomach turned at the thought.
"Wesley," I whispered, still not movin' any further away from him. "Please, say something."
They were still coming. For now they just stood there looking, but soon they'd come with fists and weapons and boots. At the very least, I hoped it wasn't more then that. A coughing fit wracked through me and I had to give up trying to get to that space under the stairs.
Letting my body fall to the side, I cried out in pain but quickly clamped my mouth shut. Can't show any weakness. If they'll see, they use it. My eyes flew wildly around this strange place with the soft light and the soft floor, and the soft...everything looked soft. What kind of trick was this? I'd never been to this Hell, were they trying something new? A different way kind of torture.
The dog made a noise again and I flinched, eyes ticking over the female guard. Sucking in my breath, I watched her afraid as she approached me and draped something over my shoulders. Something that was soft again, and warm. The smell made something in my chest tighten. It was a vaguely familiar scent of something long ago, unlike smoke, blood and decay I was used to smelling. The one still lingering in my nose and memory.
I looked up at the woman scared, trying to scoot away from her, but not actually managing. My body was too weak to escape. It had been for quite some time now. I had no hope when it came to getting away, but apparently it was an old reflex that was ingrained. I've no idea, I don't know anything anymore.
"Wes-ley?" I managed to get out, though it sounded more as though I was trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. My throat hurt from just that single sound alone. The sound held no meaning to me though, what was she saying? What was a...Wesley? Or who?
She was so close by, I could almost touch her. Numb fingers pulled the warmth tighter around me, unaware of the blood seeping into the pretty soft floor. The dirt I was leaving on there. I tilted my head and gave her a apprehensive look, still tinged with fear.
"Who?" I managed to get out, pointing a trembling finger at her. One without nails, hardly any skin, though it wasn't very visible through the dirt, blood and slime covering it. "You?"
He was filthy, covered in dirt and open sucking wounds. Okay, they weren't that bad and I figured by the time I got him cleaned up they would look even better. That was good because I knew I couldn't take him to a hospital like this. Not if I didn't want to just dump him off and tell 'em I just ran into this homeless guy who wasn't makin' no sense. I didn't wanna do this. This was Wes.
No. I had to stop kiddin' myself. Whatever this was? It wasn't Wesley. Wesley was dead. This was....this was.....What was this? Some kind've punishment? It wasn't a haunting I don't think cause hell I didn't think I'd be able to touch him then. Couldn't be sure though, I'd have to get B on the phone and get her to get the skinny from Red or Giles. Beyond that? I had no idea what to do and there was just....so fucking much.
I pushed away all of my own issues and went to touch him again. He flinched back nervously and I wanted to irrationally kick him for just a second. Start screamin', demanding why he didn't remember me. Why couldn't he remember? Was this my own version of hell? Fuck.
"Wes, I'm not gonna hurt you." I whispered tryin' to be as soothing as I could as I finally got one arm around his waist and lifted him gingerly from the floor. He fought against me at first and then let his weight rest against mine as I half carried him into the bathroom. Settin' him down on the toilet I went over to the tub and started runnin' warm water. First thing was first. Clean him up. Once that was done then maybe I could start to think about what the hell was actually goin' on here.
"You have no idea who I am, do you?" I asked him sadly as he stared up at me and the tub began to fill with warm water.
She scared me. I don’t know why, but for some reason she scared me. It was the look in her eyes as she looked at me when she reached out to touch me again. I flinched away automatically. Dropping onto my side, I curled up into a ball and looked at her with wide eyes. Who was she? What did she want? Why was she doing this?
But then she spoke, her voice was soft and gentle. It confused me and I know my face must’ve shown it. I wanted to press my hands to my ears, not wanting to hear the lies. I wanted to yell at her to stop saying those things. But there was nothing coming out of my mouth. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want to have hope. I didn’t need her lies.
“I thought we could make it y’know.”
Then she reached out again and I tried to get away. She managed to lift me up as though I was nothing but a feather Maybe I was, it wasn’t as though there was much food here in Hell. It wasn’t as though one could really die from malnutrition. You stole what you could. I’d not been able to steal anything since I’ve gotten sick
I tried to fight her as best I could. But my body just didn’t have the strength, nor the energy to do so. A small coughing fit racked through my body as she put me down on…something. I glanced at the big white….tub tub. I as confused at what was coming out of the wall. It was water, I could tell that much. But it wasn’t brown, or gray or yellow. My mouth fell slightly open and I stared at it mesmerized, as though this was part of the dream. Maybe it was.
When her voice came again, I tore my gaze away from the clear water and looked at her confused. I frowned and blinked at her. She looked… sad sad. Why? I tried to wrap my mind around her words, struggling with the meaning of them. I have been without words so long, it’s hard to have them make sense. In the end I just shook my head and turned back to look at the water in wonder. It as still clear, impossible. It looked....very vaguely familiar as well.
He was just starin' at the tub that was fillin' up, an almost wonder entering his eyes for a minute before it was dashed to nothing again. He wasn't the only one. I kept lookin' for some glimmer, some trace or sign that he remembered me. But there was nothing. Part of me was hoping this was real. Part of me was hoping to find Angel naked on my floor next so I could have them both back.
Most of me had never been an optimist. Never had any reason to be when your life pretty much just sucked all the time.
"We'll get you cleaned up, get some food in you. Things will be...fine." I said more to myself than to him. Because things had been fine about ten minutes ago. Then in the blink of an eye things kinda took a giant plunge downwards.
I hadn't dealt yet. This was Wesley. The last time I'd seen him he was lookin' down the barrel of his own shotgun as I pulled the trigger. That was more than three years ago. Since then I'd changed, I'd done my best to move on. Couldn't say that it didn't still hurt, it did. I'd just done what he wanted me to do. I moved on. I kept goin'.
It felt like a betrayal. It wasn't like I'd forgotten him or what he'd done for me. I just let myself move on. I let myself forget. Never should've done that. Now he was here and he was...different. Where the hell had he been.
C'mon Faith. You don't need him to tell you. You know exactly where you sent him when you pulled that trigger.
Closing my eyes for a second I dipped my fingers into the warm water makin' sure it wasn't too hot. When I decided that it wasn't I walked over him again and he flinched back like I'd hurt him.
"Wesley. Fuck! I'm not gonna hurt you."
Now he looked more scared and I cursed myself inwardly for not bein' more patient. Patience had never been my strong suit. "I'm sorry. C'mon, let's get you in the tub."
Gently I took the blanket away from him and wrinkled my nose at how filthy it was. Wadding it up into a ball I threw it in the trash can before reaching out for his arm. "Let me help you into the tub. Please?"
Fine? I looked at her confused before turning back to the water again. Fine? It wasn’t’ a word I recognized. There were a lot of words I didn’t recognize. There were a lot of things here in this strange Hell I didn’t know the words for. Remembered the words for. Somewhere deep down my mind was telling me that I should know these things, but I didn’t remember the words.
What was fine?
There seemed to be no end to the water coming from the-the….wall, either. And it was still….clean Clean. I almost wanted to reach out and touch it. But I was afraid that if I did, it would shatter like broken glass. Broken glass. cut you wide open.
She had more words. I knew clean. I remember clean. It was a long time ago that clean mattered to me. It didn‘t matter to me now. Why did it matter to this woman? And food, I remember food. Dry, dark bread with mold on it, tasted like a feast meal to me. Maybe she had some bread? Why would she want to feed me?
I looked up from the water still filling the-the…tub, just I time to see her walk over to me again. I flinched away my breath quickening. She started to yell at me and I tried to curl up into a ball. Soon there would be beating again, that was usually what followed after yelling. One usually didn’t get a warning come to think of it. Was her yelling at me a warning?
She’s confusing me! They don’t play fair. They never play fair.
Frozen, I just sat there looking at her as though she was going to lash out at any moment. Maybe if I don’t move, she’ll walk away. Won’t notice me. But she’s still talking. My eyes dart to the-the blanket blanket as she takes it away from me. But it was soft and warm and…. I can’t keep it? My mouth opens as I try to protest her taking away the warmth, the softness as my hand reaches out to take it back.
But its already gone. Again. Gone, just like that.
Slowly, I turn back to the woman and look at her confused. Bewildered, afraid. “Help?” I rasp out. She wants to help me into the-the…tub? Why? Let’s see how long you can stay under water before your lungs burst, pretty boy. This should be fun."
My hand curls into a claw as it beats on my chest. I try to from words, but once again nothing comes out but a low sound from the back of my throat. Afraid, I look from her to the water and back again.
“But I can’t swim!”
“Then it’s about time you learn, boy“
“Drown,” I finally manage, pointing my other hand toward the water.
He didn't wanna give up the blanket and I didn't blame him. He was kinda naked and exposed but that blanket was digusting and dirty and he was better off in the tub. I wasn't sure what to do about the whole lack of clothing sitch but I'd figure out something when he was all cleaned up. Probably had something layin' around here. Sweatpants and a t-shirt or something. Didn't matter. He was here. He was safe. Even if he didn't have one clue who I was.
I blinked when he suddenly started makin' sounds and beatin' on his chest and...shit. What was he doin'? Eyes wide I took a step back waitin' for the tantrum to subside. It finally did and after a little effort he managed to point towards the water and say one word. Drown.
"I won't let you drown." I said suddenly takin' a step forward and this time he didn't flinch as much. Carefully, slowly, tentatively I reached my hand out until my fingers were touchin' his gently. Fightin' every single urge in my body that just kept tellin' me to freak out. Freak out on his ass, beat him til he remembered me again.
That was probably a really bad idea.
Finally I was just holdin' his hand and he was starin' at me but he wasn't pullin' away. That was a good sign right?
"Trust me?" I asked him quietly as I carefully moved closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist again. Helpin' him stand up I helped him over to the tub gingerly. He seemed terrified again once we got close to the water and I frowned as I looked at him.
"Look. It's fine. Here, I'll prove it." Still holdin' onto him I stepped into the water, not really givin' a fuck that my jeans were gettin' soaked right now. They were just clothes. I'd just get new ones.
"See? It's fine. Come in with me." I tried to coax him, gently edging him closer to the tub, but it was harder to get a grip on him when I was the one already in the tub.
Slowly, I blinked when I saw that look in her eyes again. The same one those guards had just before they would explode on you. But as fast as it had been there, it was gone again. I tilted my head to the side, and looked at her puzzled. She was….different. Strange, unlike any other guard here. There? Here? I don’t even know where I am. Let alone who.
I glanced at the number carved on my chest. The same one as on my back, my arm and under the soles of my feet. I suppose they don’t like to puzzle with limbs or some such. I never really understood that. There were a lot of things I didn’t understand. Forgotten. Forget, and you’ll survive.
The woman spoke again and I looked up at her. Trust her? I mouthed the word and winced a the bitter taste it left in my mouth. There was no trust in Hell. You couldn’t trust anyone. You’d only ended up paying for trust. But there was something about her that made me want to trust her. And deep inside I recoiled at that stupid move. Knew I’d end up paying for it.
She touched my hand, and I looked at it in wonder. I had forgotten that there could be touch without pain. That a hand could reach out and not deliver a blow or a slap or wield a weapon. I took the hand, looking at it bewildered. Without really noticing it, I let her pull me up, but when we came closer to the water, my breathing sped up again as I stared at it with fear. There were images playing through my mind about dark water and sea monsters, blood and missing limbs.
But…..this was clear water.
I was somewhat perplexed when the woman suddenly stepped into the water with her….clothes on. I gave her a look as though she had lost her mind, my reflexes automatically telling me to get away from her. But she had a strong grip, even if the dirt and slime made my skin slippery. She kept talking to me in that soft voice though, and I ended up taking a tentative step toward the water.
“Clean?” I said, looking at her stunned. Slowly, my hand reached out and I touched the water. I was afraid it would break, or fade away or…. But it didn’t. There were ripples, like there had been when she had stepped into to it. Swallowing hard, I pulled my hand out and looked at my fingers. The dirt was somewhat gone, the blood, the slime, my…. nails. Nails. And suddenly I wasn’t so certain about getting clean. I’d loose my protection.
Face reality.
This is hell. You can’t get any more real then that.
Licking my cracked lips, I took a deep breath, still in wonder that I actually *needed* to breath. As much as my heartbeat wondered me. Puzzled me. Slowly, I sank down at the edge of the-the…tub and tore my eyes away from the water. There was a cloud of brown where my hand had touched it. Tainted “Dirty,” I told the woman as I looked up at her again confused.
It was like talkin' to a scared little kid and I had no idea what to do or say. I almost breathed a sigh of relief when he started sputtering one word phrases out, stickin' his hand into the water. A cloud of dirt and dust settled onto the tub and somehow I knew me along with my clothes was gonna be covered with it by the time this was over but that was cool. I never minded gettin' my hands a little dirty.
This was the worst kind of babysitting because it was startin' to get wicked clear that I was gonna have to bathe a full grown man and I didn't even know where to start or what to do or what would scare him off. I just wanted to go in the other room and smoke and brood think about stuff.
He sank down to the floor, still not in the bathtub but I guessed it was a start, so I sat down across from him, the tub dividing us as we ended up at eye level, both of us staring at eachother. Gingerly I reached a hand for his, the one that had gotten a little clean.
"Your hand?" I asked him gently, and fuck. I didn't have one gentle bone in my body and here I was tryin' my hardest. Maybe I should just call Willow....she'd know what to do.
I didn't think he was gonna do it, but after a minute he raised his own hand and put it in mine. Gently I dipped it into the water, waitin' for him to freak out. Grabbing the bar of soap I gently rubbed it along his arm waitin' for him to freak out. Slowly I was seeing his arm, enough to know that he really was underneath all the dirt and dust and filth.
"It really is you." I said in a voice barely above a whisper as he kept staring at me. At least he didn't look completely freaked out anymore.
He just didn't remember me. And that was the worst burn of them all.
"Why don't you come in the tub now, so you can get cleaned up. It won't hurt you, you won't drown. You just need to get clean and I can find you some clothes and make you something to eat. Okay?" Gently I tugged him a little bit so he'd know I wanted his ass in the tub like now. Or five minutes ago.
Shit. I'd cut off my right arm for a smoke right about now.
My….hand? I looked at my hand for a moment. What would she want with my hand? Chop it off? I was a thief after all and that’s what they did with thief’s right? They did in hell. With a rusty saw, and then grew it back to do it all over again. But…was this Hell? Hell didn’t have clean water. Or soft floors. Or soft lights. Or women who spoke softly to you. Hell…wasn’t soft. Hell was hard.
I frowned and hesitantly put my hand in hers. Waited for the pain and the laughing, but instead she dipped it into the water. I blinked at that, leaning in slowly to peer over the edge of the-the…tub. Right, it’s a tub. The water was starting to look vaguely like home, like Hell. But it was still clear enough to drink and I was so very thirsty. I moved my other arm over the edge of the tub and put it in the water as well, cupping some in the palm like I’d done so many times.
“Me?” I looked at her confused when she said it was really you. You? Me? I’m me? Who am I? “13570,” I stated dutifully, pointing at the number carved I the wrist she was holding. It was another reflex. I was that number, nothing more, maybe less. I looked at her again, wondering if that was what she meant. She was just staring though, eyes uncertain, so I looked back at the water.
There was a tug on my hand and I glanced up at her again. Clean. In the tub. She wants me to go into the water? I slowly rose up and peered over the edge. More dirt. “Thirsty,” I muttered, sitting down on the edge of the but. I leaned forward and cupped some water in my hands before bringing it to my mouth. It tasted like a little piece of heaven. Fresh, clean water. There was hardly a trace of the taste of blood and dirt in there. I slide into the tub and moved my face closer to the surface, drinking as much as I could, nearly choking on it. But I had to hurry before they would come to haul me away again.
"That's not you." I shook my head as he stated the numbers, just rollin' right off his tongue as easily as my prison numbers had rolled off mine. After a while they make you think you're just a number. It was how they stripped you of your individuality, your freedom. They'd never been able to strip me of who I was, but it looked like....wherever it was that had held Wesley for the last three years had done a pretty decent job of makin' him forget who he was. I wondered if he'd ever remember and that made me wanna cry a little more.
"You're Wesley. Not some number they stamped on you." I muttered more to myself than him because he had no clue what I was sayin'. Least I didn't think he did, didn't stop me from tryin' to talk to him though. Try to spark something in him. Some way for him to remember who he was or even how to speak and understand english would be a good start. Especially for the guy who used to read like a bajillion different languages.
"I can get you some water." I announced when he told me he was thirsty, but it looked like he had other ideas. He slid into the tub next to me and started drinkin' so much of the dirty bath water it was makin' me sick even to just look at him. What had they done to him?
"Don't drink that." I chided him gently as I pulled him back up from the surface a little bit. Now I really was covered in dirt. Nasty. Not as filthy as he was though. Not even close. "I can get you some clean water."
I was afraid to leave him alone in the tub but I was sure he'd do okay. Long as he didn't drink anymore of the water. After he was finished coughing and choking I patted him lightly on the back happy when he didnt' immediately flinch away from my touch. I looked down at the dirty water with a grimace and maybe I should fill the tub back up again with clean water. Nasty.
"I'm gonna go get you some water to drink. I'll be right back." He stared at me unsurely and I thought that might be a good sign. Fuck if I knew.
Getting up and out of the tub I left a trail of dirty water on the floor as I quickly walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. When I got back Wes was still sittin' in the tub and he hadn't freaked out. That was a good sign right?
"Here," I said as I opened up the bottle of water and handed it to him. "Drink this."
Love to break down here any minute now. If I only had a second to hide away and think about it. This. Whatever was happening. As it was? I didn't want him to choke on dirty bath water.
There was that word again. Wes-ley. I tried to repeat it, like I had done before. ‘Wes-ley?” The word seemed important to her. I don’t know why though. It held no meaning what so ever to me. Unlike soft and warm and clean water. I wonder if she’ll give me back the-the blanket. Blanket she took earlier. It had been soft and warm.
She was muttering, and I looked up from trying to drink and cough at the same time. You’re Wes-ey? You’re. You are. I am. I’m. I’m Wes-ley? “What is…Wes-ley?” I asked curiously, gasping a little for air. She didn’t seem to like me choking, but I was used to it. My lungs however had changed. It hurt a little more then back home. As though they weren’t…….dead.
I shrugged and wanted to lean back to get some more water, who knew when I’d get another chance. But she pulled me away and I nearly flinched again. “Thirsty,:” I whispered again, wanting to get more water. But she told me not to drink that. I blinked at her and then bowed my head, giving her a slight nod. Always do what you are told, you exist longer without much pain.
She got up from the…tub, and I followed her from underneath my eyelashes. I was afraid to move. Though I tried to even my breathing, because for some reason oxygen was needed here as well. It was almost as though I was…. Alive. Which was a concept I remembered vaguely. Being alive. Was there much difference between being alive and being…well, dead? So far I’d have to say yes.
Suddenly, a-a-…..bottle bottle was shoved under my nose. I blinked at it and looked up at her surprised. Carefully, I took it as though it might explode in my face. The water in the tub was starting to get cold. But I was used to ice water or scalding hot. So to be honest, this was perfect. I looked at the bottle from all sides, wondering how I was supposed to get to the water. Confused I looked back at her, holding out the…bottle.
Just as I was about to tell her that I was still thirsty, some of the water sloshed out from the top. Curiously, I peered at it, attentively, putting my tongue into the opening tasting the wetness. It was a familiar movement which always made me sick as the memories - far to many - washed over me. But this was fresh, clean and cool. Bringing it to my lips, I swallowed it eagerly, trying not to choke on this as well. But it just tasted to good, even better then the tub water. “Good,” I wheezed, pointing at the….bottle ,again.
"You are Wesley." I muttered, feelin' my patience start to waiver as he continually looked around like he had no clue what was goin' on or what to do. Like some scared child who needed to be led by the hand and that wasn't what Wesley used to be at all. Most of the time I was the scared child who needed to be led by the hand and he was the one who always knew what was best to do. Now I just felt lost, with no idea how to handle him. Or if I was even the right person to be handling him. He looked horrible and the more grime the water washed away the more I grimaced at the marks on his skin. Scars. We were gonna have to do something about that, but what? Some of those scars were so old I was sure they belonged to me.
"Good." I nodded, still leaning against the sink as he finished off the bottle of water. As soon as he was done, I pulled the plug on the tub, watching the dirty water start to swirl around in the bottom of the tub. He was still a little yucky, so I handed him a bar of soap.
He stared at it for a minute and I took his hand gently in mine before rubbing the soap against his chest. "Clean." I echoed him, feelin' like I might break into a million pieces on the floor if this kept up for too much longer. I didn't know how much longer I could stay stronger.
Warm fresh water was fillin' up the bathtub and he had finally started to get the hang of the soap. "I'll be right back." I promised him in a whisper as I quickly turned my back and walked into my room.
Glancing around I saw Noname curled up on the foot of the bed on top of a pile of Rico's clothes. Perfect. Pickin' 'em up I figured they'd be a little baggy but they'd more or less work. Also grabbed my smokes before walkin' into the bathroom.
He didn't look quite so miserable anymore, splashing in the warm water and washin' all the grime off. I sent a shaky smile his way when he met my eyes before he went back to the water. At least he wasn't freakin' out right now.
With tremblin' hands I pulled a cigarette out of the pack and lit it up, the threat of tears stingin' at the corners of my eyes as I stared at the wall in front of me. This was really happening. He was really back.
You are Wesley. I am Wesley? I tried that word out, muttering it a few times under my breath. It didn’t sound familiar, but it tasted as though my mouth knew the word. Even if it had probably not said it often. 135070 was who I was. What I was. Not this Wes-ley she kept insisting I was. Am. Am? I m Wes-ley. I better obey her though, she looks as though she going to be angry if I don’t agree.
Instead of saying anything, I do the one thing I know to be save. I stare down at my hands again. It’s not at though I can find the words to speak as it is. Which frustrates me to no end for no reason. There’s something niggling me in the back my mind. Something telling me that should *know* all these words. I should know words and many, many more. And not just in this….talk? Speech? language. Language.
When I finish the-the….bottle she takes it away and pulls something. I was once again mesmerized and even a little afraid as the water starts to disappear. Familiar brown, red water swirling way from the tub, away from me. I’m swirling away. Escaping. Then a piece of…something, is pushed into my hand and I look at it with a frown before turning empty eyes toward her. This time I don’t flinch away as she takes my hand and rubs it over my chest. The smell coming form the-the….soap. Coming from the soap is like a very old memory as well as the movements she shows me.
“Clean,” I echo, giving her a nod. But then she gets up and leaves the room. I look around confused again. She said clean, I suppose I should do that then. At least if this is my new hell, I’ll have plenty of water for now. And the wall can give me more if needed. I’m still surprised by the difference in the water. Cold and cool. Hot and warm. Soothing and cleansing. By the time she comes back, I’ve cleaned most of myself, though I’ve found out that one cannot clean of bruises or cuts or….scars.
I looked up at her when she returned, my eyes meeting her for a second. Tilting my head, I give her a thoughtful look. Trying to remember, because apparently she knows me. Has known me? Knows me. There’s nothing though, other then so many feelings it’s like trying to make sense of the many whirlwinds in Hell. “Clean,” I tell her, trying to curve my mouth the way hers just did. It hurt, it feels awkward and out of place. As though my mouth, my face, my….everything, has forgotten this movement.
My head tilts again as I look at the thing she keep putting in her mouth. Cigarette. I know that one. One could get many a thing when having that as a trade. My eyes tick to my arms and the array or perfect round little circles getting visible. There are more on my legs, my back, my arse, so many places. Such a small yet efficient tool. But when I looked back at her, she didn’t look as though she was going to much else then….suck at it.
Reaching out, it takes me several times to tap her leg to get her attention. She says I’m Wes-ley. But… “You?” I ask, ducking my head as though I’ve asked a forbidden question. But I can’t not know who this woman is.
"Does that dog ever shut up?" Rico mumbled sleepily as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him under the covers. What the fuck? He knew I wasn't one for the afterglow. Rico was pretty, didn't speak much English, and was a fabulous romp in the sack. Girl didn't need much more than that if you asked me. Not that anyone did, but he should at least know what his place was around here.
"Fuck off." I muttered as I shoved him away from me and pushed the covers away from me. It was like a million fucking degrees this time of year in Vegas anyway. What the hell did we need covers for? Usually they were balled up on the floor next to my bed but everytime I had company for some reason they were always about puttin' the covers back on my bed. Like it was too exposed without 'em there or something. Whatever.
Rollin' my eyes I started rootin' around my bedroom for some clothes when Noname came bounding into the bedroom. Yapping and barking and lookin' at me like he needed something.
"What, Noname?" I asked him casually as I slipped into a pair of form fitting jeans. Nothin' but the lowest cut for work, else I was liable not to get much in the way of tips. Livin' in Vegas wasn't as cheap as everybody said it'd be.
After I'd pulled on a top, I reached to grab my smokes off the bookshelf but it looked like Noname had other ideas. With a playful growl he bit down on the bottom of my jeans and tried to pull me towards the door.
"What the fuck? It's not dinner time yet." I said as I playfully swatted him on the nose and pulled my jeans out of his jaw.
"Are you leaving?" Rico's voice piped up from the bed like he even cared. Well, he probably did. Cause when I left I was gonna have to rouse him from his drunken stoned haze and throw his ass out.
"Pretty soon." I promised him, finally grabbin' my smokes from the shelf as Noname growled again and ran to the door and back to me. "Alright. Alright. Fine. Show me what you wanna show me." I finally relented and followed him out of the door and into the living room.
What I saw nearly stopped my heart, and I stopped in my tracks in the doorway. There was a naked man on my living room floor, crawling towards the door beaten and...naked. What the....My heart was pounding so loud in my chest I couldn't even hear Noname barking and bounding over to the figure on my floor. He nudged the man with his cold nose and he turned over so I could finally see his face.
"Wesley?" I asked in a voice barely above a whisper because I was dreaming. This was a dream. This wasn't really happening. Swallowing hard I tried to push past the tears that were at least three years old now. This wasn't Wes. Wesley was dead. I was just havin' a bad trip or something. Except I hadn't done any drugs today and that was definitely Wesley laying on my living room floor. How did this...what did this....? I couldn't even form words or sentances, instead I just dropped to my knees next to him and gently pressed the palm of my hand to his beaten face as he gave me an unrecognizable and confused look. He looked wicked confused. Not half as confused as I was I bet.
"Faith, what the hell is going on?" Rico's startled voice came from behind me and I didn't even bother to turn around.
"Get out. Now." I commanded before turnin' to look back at Wes as Noname growled at Rico. Knew I kept that dog around for a reason.
"Wes? Is that you?" I asked him again, because until I heard him talk? I couldn't be sure. This was a dream. This...I didn't have words.
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Then there were voices; several and I know a small whimper of fear escaped me. My eye went wide when the dog found me and I curled up into a ball protectively on instinct. But unlike other times, the dog did not sink its teeth in my rotting flesh. Did not tear at limbs, or bark into my ears until the bled. Instead a cold nose was nudged against me. To weak to do anything, I rolled over and scooted back on my hands and feet as much as I could.
There was a person there. Female some part of my brain provided. Dark eyes, dark hair. Stubborn face. No, that's wrong. Not stubborn this face is. I'm so confused. I flinched when I saw her hand move from the corner of my eyes. When had I become so ill prepared for punishment? I flinched back to avoid the blow that was sure to follow, but more confusing followed when the hand was pressed to my face.
Warm. Gentle. Soft.
I looked at her confused, wondering what kind of trick they were playing this time. Who is she? She asked a question and questions should never be left unanswered. The longer the wait the longer the pain.
But I didn't understand her question. I didn't understand the words. Panic surged through me and I looked up in fear at the other person hovering behind her. Another guard? A supervisor? A henchman? An executioner? A test?
My cracked lips parted, but my throat had forgotten how to speak. My voice buried somewhere so deep inside me, I had no idea where it might have gone. I shook my head, only looking at her with wide eyes of fear and panic. Need to calm down, need to find my numbness again. Why was I feeling something other then pain suddenly?
The hand was still on my face and I ached to reach out and touch it. Just to make sure it was real and I wasn't imagining things. I shook my head again and froze when the dog barked. My half open eyes, ticked toward the other person and then the dog. I had been distracted. I let myself get distracted, that could be a big mistake.
A sound came out of my throat, it may have been words, it my have been a cry, I don't know. But I quickly rolled over and tried to make my way back to the closet. Small, dark, suffocating, punishment, Hell.
Home.
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I felt something well up in my throat when a strange sound suddenly made it's way out of Wesley's mouth. It took me off guard and I stumbled backwards, landing hard on my ass. I didn't move, just stayed where I was on the floor my eyes locked on Wesley's. The only sound was the door slamming shut after Rico left in a huff. I couldn't really care less about Rico's temper tantrums right about now.
When I looked in those familiar pale eyes all I could feel was a stabbing pain that was at least three years old now.
I love you.
I know.
Noname started barking again, pulling me from my trance and nudging me in the arm with his nose as if he was tryin' to get me to snap out of it. Smart dog.
Swallowing hard again I stood up and grabbed the blanket on the back of the couch before walking back over to Wesley. Bending down he flinched away from my touch but I draped the blanket around his shoulders anyways and pulled it closed around his beaten naked form. What the hell was goin' on?
Still holding the blanket around him I glanced into his eyes again and I felt like being sick. Because I could see it in his eyes. He was wild and confused.
He had no idea who I was.
It occured to me that I might try and tell him who I was, but I could find the words to tell him I was the girl that killed him. Was this some dream? Was this a haunting? Was he a ghost comin' to terrorize me for shooting him that night in Vail's house? My stomach turned at the thought.
"Wesley," I whispered, still not movin' any further away from him. "Please, say something."
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Letting my body fall to the side, I cried out in pain but quickly clamped my mouth shut. Can't show any weakness. If they'll see, they use it. My eyes flew wildly around this strange place with the soft light and the soft floor, and the soft...everything looked soft. What kind of trick was this? I'd never been to this Hell, were they trying something new? A different way kind of torture.
The dog made a noise again and I flinched, eyes ticking over the female guard. Sucking in my breath, I watched her afraid as she approached me and draped something over my shoulders. Something that was soft again, and warm. The smell made something in my chest tighten. It was a vaguely familiar scent of something long ago, unlike smoke, blood and decay I was used to smelling. The one still lingering in my nose and memory.
I looked up at the woman scared, trying to scoot away from her, but not actually managing. My body was too weak to escape. It had been for quite some time now. I had no hope when it came to getting away, but apparently it was an old reflex that was ingrained. I've no idea, I don't know anything anymore.
"Wes-ley?" I managed to get out, though it sounded more as though I was trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. My throat hurt from just that single sound alone. The sound held no meaning to me though, what was she saying? What was a...Wesley? Or who?
She was so close by, I could almost touch her. Numb fingers pulled the warmth tighter around me, unaware of the blood seeping into the pretty soft floor. The dirt I was leaving on there. I tilted my head and gave her a apprehensive look, still tinged with fear.
"Who?" I managed to get out, pointing a trembling finger at her. One without nails, hardly any skin, though it wasn't very visible through the dirt, blood and slime covering it. "You?"
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No. I had to stop kiddin' myself. Whatever this was? It wasn't Wesley. Wesley was dead. This was....this was.....What was this? Some kind've punishment? It wasn't a haunting I don't think cause hell I didn't think I'd be able to touch him then. Couldn't be sure though, I'd have to get B on the phone and get her to get the skinny from Red or Giles. Beyond that? I had no idea what to do and there was just....so fucking much.
I pushed away all of my own issues and went to touch him again. He flinched back nervously and I wanted to irrationally kick him for just a second. Start screamin', demanding why he didn't remember me. Why couldn't he remember? Was this my own version of hell? Fuck.
"Wes, I'm not gonna hurt you." I whispered tryin' to be as soothing as I could as I finally got one arm around his waist and lifted him gingerly from the floor. He fought against me at first and then let his weight rest against mine as I half carried him into the bathroom. Settin' him down on the toilet I went over to the tub and started runnin' warm water. First thing was first. Clean him up. Once that was done then maybe I could start to think about what the hell was actually goin' on here.
"You have no idea who I am, do you?" I asked him sadly as he stared up at me and the tub began to fill with warm water.
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But then she spoke, her voice was soft and gentle. It confused me and I know my face must’ve shown it. I wanted to press my hands to my ears, not wanting to hear the lies. I wanted to yell at her to stop saying those things. But there was nothing coming out of my mouth. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want to have hope. I didn’t need her lies.
“I thought we could make it y’know.”
Then she reached out again and I tried to get away. She managed to lift me up as though I was nothing but a feather Maybe I was, it wasn’t as though there was much food here in Hell. It wasn’t as though one could really die from malnutrition. You stole what you could. I’d not been able to steal anything since I’ve gotten sick
I tried to fight her as best I could. But my body just didn’t have the strength, nor the energy to do so. A small coughing fit racked through my body as she put me down on…something. I glanced at the big white….tub tub. I as confused at what was coming out of the wall. It was water, I could tell that much. But it wasn’t brown, or gray or yellow. My mouth fell slightly open and I stared at it mesmerized, as though this was part of the dream. Maybe it was.
When her voice came again, I tore my gaze away from the clear water and looked at her confused. I frowned and blinked at her. She looked… sad sad. Why? I tried to wrap my mind around her words, struggling with the meaning of them. I have been without words so long, it’s hard to have them make sense. In the end I just shook my head and turned back to look at the water in wonder. It as still clear, impossible. It looked....very vaguely familiar as well.
"Wish I knew your real name,”
So do I.
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Most of me had never been an optimist. Never had any reason to be when your life pretty much just sucked all the time.
"We'll get you cleaned up, get some food in you. Things will be...fine." I said more to myself than to him. Because things had been fine about ten minutes ago. Then in the blink of an eye things kinda took a giant plunge downwards.
I hadn't dealt yet. This was Wesley. The last time I'd seen him he was lookin' down the barrel of his own shotgun as I pulled the trigger. That was more than three years ago. Since then I'd changed, I'd done my best to move on. Couldn't say that it didn't still hurt, it did. I'd just done what he wanted me to do. I moved on. I kept goin'.
It felt like a betrayal. It wasn't like I'd forgotten him or what he'd done for me. I just let myself move on. I let myself forget. Never should've done that. Now he was here and he was...different. Where the hell had he been.
C'mon Faith. You don't need him to tell you. You know exactly where you sent him when you pulled that trigger.
Closing my eyes for a second I dipped my fingers into the warm water makin' sure it wasn't too hot. When I decided that it wasn't I walked over him again and he flinched back like I'd hurt him.
"Wesley. Fuck! I'm not gonna hurt you."
Now he looked more scared and I cursed myself inwardly for not bein' more patient. Patience had never been my strong suit. "I'm sorry. C'mon, let's get you in the tub."
Gently I took the blanket away from him and wrinkled my nose at how filthy it was. Wadding it up into a ball I threw it in the trash can before reaching out for his arm. "Let me help you into the tub. Please?"
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What was fine?
There seemed to be no end to the water coming from the-the….wall, either. And it was still….clean Clean. I almost wanted to reach out and touch it. But I was afraid that if I did, it would shatter like broken glass. Broken glass. cut you wide open.
She had more words. I knew clean. I remember clean. It was a long time ago that clean mattered to me. It didn‘t matter to me now. Why did it matter to this woman? And food, I remember food. Dry, dark bread with mold on it, tasted like a feast meal to me. Maybe she had some bread? Why would she want to feed me?
I looked up from the water still filling the-the…tub, just I time to see her walk over to me again. I flinched away my breath quickening. She started to yell at me and I tried to curl up into a ball. Soon there would be beating again, that was usually what followed after yelling. One usually didn’t get a warning come to think of it. Was her yelling at me a warning?
She’s confusing me! They don’t play fair. They never play fair.
Frozen, I just sat there looking at her as though she was going to lash out at any moment. Maybe if I don’t move, she’ll walk away. Won’t notice me. But she’s still talking. My eyes dart to the-the blanket blanket as she takes it away from me. But it was soft and warm and…. I can’t keep it? My mouth opens as I try to protest her taking away the warmth, the softness as my hand reaches out to take it back.
But its already gone. Again. Gone, just like that.
Slowly, I turn back to the woman and look at her confused. Bewildered, afraid. “Help?” I rasp out. She wants to help me into the-the…tub? Why? Let’s see how long you can stay under water before your lungs burst, pretty boy. This should be fun."
My hand curls into a claw as it beats on my chest. I try to from words, but once again nothing comes out but a low sound from the back of my throat. Afraid, I look from her to the water and back again.
“But I can’t swim!”
“Then it’s about time you learn, boy“
“Drown,” I finally manage, pointing my other hand toward the water.
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I blinked when he suddenly started makin' sounds and beatin' on his chest and...shit. What was he doin'? Eyes wide I took a step back waitin' for the tantrum to subside. It finally did and after a little effort he managed to point towards the water and say one word. Drown.
"I won't let you drown." I said suddenly takin' a step forward and this time he didn't flinch as much. Carefully, slowly, tentatively I reached my hand out until my fingers were touchin' his gently. Fightin' every single urge in my body that just kept tellin' me to freak out. Freak out on his ass, beat him til he remembered me again.
That was probably a really bad idea.
Finally I was just holdin' his hand and he was starin' at me but he wasn't pullin' away. That was a good sign right?
"Trust me?" I asked him quietly as I carefully moved closer to him and wrapped an arm around his waist again. Helpin' him stand up I helped him over to the tub gingerly. He seemed terrified again once we got close to the water and I frowned as I looked at him.
"Look. It's fine. Here, I'll prove it." Still holdin' onto him I stepped into the water, not really givin' a fuck that my jeans were gettin' soaked right now. They were just clothes. I'd just get new ones.
"See? It's fine. Come in with me." I tried to coax him, gently edging him closer to the tub, but it was harder to get a grip on him when I was the one already in the tub.
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I glanced at the number carved on my chest. The same one as on my back, my arm and under the soles of my feet. I suppose they don’t like to puzzle with limbs or some such. I never really understood that. There were a lot of things I didn’t understand. Forgotten. Forget, and you’ll survive.
The woman spoke again and I looked up at her. Trust her? I mouthed the word and winced a the bitter taste it left in my mouth. There was no trust in Hell. You couldn’t trust anyone. You’d only ended up paying for trust. But there was something about her that made me want to trust her. And deep inside I recoiled at that stupid move. Knew I’d end up paying for it.
She touched my hand, and I looked at it in wonder. I had forgotten that there could be touch without pain. That a hand could reach out and not deliver a blow or a slap or wield a weapon. I took the hand, looking at it bewildered. Without really noticing it, I let her pull me up, but when we came closer to the water, my breathing sped up again as I stared at it with fear. There were images playing through my mind about dark water and sea monsters, blood and missing limbs.
But…..this was clear water.
I was somewhat perplexed when the woman suddenly stepped into the water with her….clothes on. I gave her a look as though she had lost her mind, my reflexes automatically telling me to get away from her. But she had a strong grip, even if the dirt and slime made my skin slippery. She kept talking to me in that soft voice though, and I ended up taking a tentative step toward the water.
“Clean?” I said, looking at her stunned. Slowly, my hand reached out and I touched the water. I was afraid it would break, or fade away or…. But it didn’t. There were ripples, like there had been when she had stepped into to it. Swallowing hard, I pulled my hand out and looked at my fingers. The dirt was somewhat gone, the blood, the slime, my…. nails. Nails. And suddenly I wasn’t so certain about getting clean. I’d loose my protection.
Face reality.
This is hell. You can’t get any more real then that.
Licking my cracked lips, I took a deep breath, still in wonder that I actually *needed* to breath. As much as my heartbeat wondered me. Puzzled me. Slowly, I sank down at the edge of the-the…tub and tore my eyes away from the water. There was a cloud of brown where my hand had touched it. Tainted “Dirty,” I told the woman as I looked up at her again confused.
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This was the worst kind of babysitting because it was startin' to get wicked clear that I was gonna have to bathe a full grown man and I didn't even know where to start or what to do or what would scare him off. I just wanted to go in the other room and smoke and brood think about stuff.
He sank down to the floor, still not in the bathtub but I guessed it was a start, so I sat down across from him, the tub dividing us as we ended up at eye level, both of us staring at eachother. Gingerly I reached a hand for his, the one that had gotten a little clean.
"Your hand?" I asked him gently, and fuck. I didn't have one gentle bone in my body and here I was tryin' my hardest. Maybe I should just call Willow....she'd know what to do.
I didn't think he was gonna do it, but after a minute he raised his own hand and put it in mine. Gently I dipped it into the water, waitin' for him to freak out. Grabbing the bar of soap I gently rubbed it along his arm waitin' for him to freak out. Slowly I was seeing his arm, enough to know that he really was underneath all the dirt and dust and filth.
"It really is you." I said in a voice barely above a whisper as he kept staring at me. At least he didn't look completely freaked out anymore.
He just didn't remember me. And that was the worst burn of them all.
"Why don't you come in the tub now, so you can get cleaned up. It won't hurt you, you won't drown. You just need to get clean and I can find you some clothes and make you something to eat. Okay?" Gently I tugged him a little bit so he'd know I wanted his ass in the tub like now. Or five minutes ago.
Shit. I'd cut off my right arm for a smoke right about now.
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I frowned and hesitantly put my hand in hers. Waited for the pain and the laughing, but instead she dipped it into the water. I blinked at that, leaning in slowly to peer over the edge of the-the…tub. Right, it’s a tub. The water was starting to look vaguely like home, like Hell. But it was still clear enough to drink and I was so very thirsty. I moved my other arm over the edge of the tub and put it in the water as well, cupping some in the palm like I’d done so many times.
“Me?” I looked at her confused when she said it was really you. You? Me? I’m me? Who am I? “13570,” I stated dutifully, pointing at the number carved I the wrist she was holding. It was another reflex. I was that number, nothing more, maybe less. I looked at her again, wondering if that was what she meant. She was just staring though, eyes uncertain, so I looked back at the water.
There was a tug on my hand and I glanced up at her again. Clean. In the tub. She wants me to go into the water? I slowly rose up and peered over the edge. More dirt. “Thirsty,” I muttered, sitting down on the edge of the but. I leaned forward and cupped some water in my hands before bringing it to my mouth. It tasted like a little piece of heaven. Fresh, clean water. There was hardly a trace of the taste of blood and dirt in there. I slide into the tub and moved my face closer to the surface, drinking as much as I could, nearly choking on it. But I had to hurry before they would come to haul me away again.
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"You're Wesley. Not some number they stamped on you." I muttered more to myself than him because he had no clue what I was sayin'. Least I didn't think he did, didn't stop me from tryin' to talk to him though. Try to spark something in him. Some way for him to remember who he was or even how to speak and understand english would be a good start. Especially for the guy who used to read like a bajillion different languages.
"I can get you some water." I announced when he told me he was thirsty, but it looked like he had other ideas. He slid into the tub next to me and started drinkin' so much of the dirty bath water it was makin' me sick even to just look at him. What had they done to him?
"Don't drink that." I chided him gently as I pulled him back up from the surface a little bit. Now I really was covered in dirt. Nasty. Not as filthy as he was though. Not even close. "I can get you some clean water."
I was afraid to leave him alone in the tub but I was sure he'd do okay. Long as he didn't drink anymore of the water. After he was finished coughing and choking I patted him lightly on the back happy when he didnt' immediately flinch away from my touch. I looked down at the dirty water with a grimace and maybe I should fill the tub back up again with clean water. Nasty.
"I'm gonna go get you some water to drink. I'll be right back." He stared at me unsurely and I thought that might be a good sign. Fuck if I knew.
Getting up and out of the tub I left a trail of dirty water on the floor as I quickly walked to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge. When I got back Wes was still sittin' in the tub and he hadn't freaked out. That was a good sign right?
"Here," I said as I opened up the bottle of water and handed it to him. "Drink this."
Love to break down here any minute now. If I only had a second to hide away and think about it. This. Whatever was happening. As it was? I didn't want him to choke on dirty bath water.
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She was muttering, and I looked up from trying to drink and cough at the same time. You’re Wes-ey? You’re. You are. I am. I’m. I’m Wes-ley? “What is…Wes-ley?” I asked curiously, gasping a little for air. She didn’t seem to like me choking, but I was used to it. My lungs however had changed. It hurt a little more then back home. As though they weren’t…….dead.
I shrugged and wanted to lean back to get some more water, who knew when I’d get another chance. But she pulled me away and I nearly flinched again. “Thirsty,:” I whispered again, wanting to get more water. But she told me not to drink that. I blinked at her and then bowed my head, giving her a slight nod. Always do what you are told, you exist longer without much pain.
She got up from the…tub, and I followed her from underneath my eyelashes. I was afraid to move. Though I tried to even my breathing, because for some reason oxygen was needed here as well. It was almost as though I was…. Alive. Which was a concept I remembered vaguely. Being alive. Was there much difference between being alive and being…well, dead? So far I’d have to say yes.
Suddenly, a-a-…..bottle bottle was shoved under my nose. I blinked at it and looked up at her surprised. Carefully, I took it as though it might explode in my face. The water in the tub was starting to get cold. But I was used to ice water or scalding hot. So to be honest, this was perfect. I looked at the bottle from all sides, wondering how I was supposed to get to the water. Confused I looked back at her, holding out the…bottle.
Just as I was about to tell her that I was still thirsty, some of the water sloshed out from the top. Curiously, I peered at it, attentively, putting my tongue into the opening tasting the wetness. It was a familiar movement which always made me sick as the memories - far to many - washed over me. But this was fresh, clean and cool. Bringing it to my lips, I swallowed it eagerly, trying not to choke on this as well. But it just tasted to good, even better then the tub water. “Good,” I wheezed, pointing at the….bottle ,again.
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"Good." I nodded, still leaning against the sink as he finished off the bottle of water. As soon as he was done, I pulled the plug on the tub, watching the dirty water start to swirl around in the bottom of the tub. He was still a little yucky, so I handed him a bar of soap.
He stared at it for a minute and I took his hand gently in mine before rubbing the soap against his chest. "Clean." I echoed him, feelin' like I might break into a million pieces on the floor if this kept up for too much longer. I didn't know how much longer I could stay stronger.
Warm fresh water was fillin' up the bathtub and he had finally started to get the hang of the soap. "I'll be right back." I promised him in a whisper as I quickly turned my back and walked into my room.
Glancing around I saw Noname curled up on the foot of the bed on top of a pile of Rico's clothes. Perfect. Pickin' 'em up I figured they'd be a little baggy but they'd more or less work. Also grabbed my smokes before walkin' into the bathroom.
He didn't look quite so miserable anymore, splashing in the warm water and washin' all the grime off. I sent a shaky smile his way when he met my eyes before he went back to the water. At least he wasn't freakin' out right now.
With tremblin' hands I pulled a cigarette out of the pack and lit it up, the threat of tears stingin' at the corners of my eyes as I stared at the wall in front of me. This was really happening. He was really back.
But it wasn't him. It wasn't him at all.
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Instead of saying anything, I do the one thing I know to be save. I stare down at my hands again. It’s not at though I can find the words to speak as it is. Which frustrates me to no end for no reason. There’s something niggling me in the back my mind. Something telling me that should *know* all these words. I should know words and many, many more. And not just in this….talk? Speech? language. Language.
When I finish the-the….bottle she takes it away and pulls something. I was once again mesmerized and even a little afraid as the water starts to disappear. Familiar brown, red water swirling way from the tub, away from me. I’m swirling away. Escaping. Then a piece of…something, is pushed into my hand and I look at it with a frown before turning empty eyes toward her. This time I don’t flinch away as she takes my hand and rubs it over my chest. The smell coming form the-the….soap. Coming from the soap is like a very old memory as well as the movements she shows me.
“Clean,” I echo, giving her a nod. But then she gets up and leaves the room. I look around confused again. She said clean, I suppose I should do that then. At least if this is my new hell, I’ll have plenty of water for now. And the wall can give me more if needed. I’m still surprised by the difference in the water. Cold and cool. Hot and warm. Soothing and cleansing. By the time she comes back, I’ve cleaned most of myself, though I’ve found out that one cannot clean of bruises or cuts or….scars.
I looked up at her when she returned, my eyes meeting her for a second. Tilting my head, I give her a thoughtful look. Trying to remember, because apparently she knows me. Has known me? Knows me. There’s nothing though, other then so many feelings it’s like trying to make sense of the many whirlwinds in Hell. “Clean,” I tell her, trying to curve my mouth the way hers just did. It hurt, it feels awkward and out of place. As though my mouth, my face, my….everything, has forgotten this movement.
My head tilts again as I look at the thing she keep putting in her mouth. Cigarette. I know that one. One could get many a thing when having that as a trade. My eyes tick to my arms and the array or perfect round little circles getting visible. There are more on my legs, my back, my arse, so many places. Such a small yet efficient tool. But when I looked back at her, she didn’t look as though she was going to much else then….suck at it.
Reaching out, it takes me several times to tap her leg to get her attention. She says I’m Wes-ley. But… “You?” I ask, ducking my head as though I’ve asked a forbidden question. But I can’t not know who this woman is.
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