I poured my heart out...it evaporated, see?

[wickedslayer]

Just like that. One shot and then it was over. I stood there with the gun in my hand and I still wasn't sure that I really got it. I knew that I'd done it, what I'd come here to do. Maybe I was disappointed that I was still standin' when really all three of us should be dead on the floor. Instead it was just me, last one left standin'. Guess I hadn

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[_willow_magic]

After Wes left us the dog, Noname, and Kennedy took care of Angel's son, we both packed our things and moved after them. Things were gonna get ugly, we knew that much. But Faith had been so gung-ho, there was like no stopping her. Kennedy was on her side of course. Being a Slayer and all, but we both agreed we needed to go there and help them before something bad happened.

I couldn't get that feeling out of my mind that something bad already had happened. Dunno why, not like I got some kinda bond with either of them. Noname was totally silent and quiet the entire way we drove up there. And when we got to our hotel room, he just rolled up in a corner. I guess he missed them. Poor little thing. Poor little thing needed food, so Kennedy rushed out to get some. Get some demons too I guess, cause she was getting restless.

She was gone for like only a second, when the dog jumped up and started to bark. I jumped too when there was a knock on the door. Who'd knock here? I mean, no one knew we were here. I opened the door a crack and my eyes went wide when I saw Faith there. The look on her face nearly made me choke. She kinda looked like she lost...well...kinda everything. Oh god, no. Oh god, oh god.

"Faith, are you okay?" I asked, "Where's...." I never got any further cause the next thing I knew there was a gun pointing at my head. That didn't really faze me, her words however did. I wove my hand and the gun flew out of her hand against the wall. Noname was barking and I gave him a look. He shut up and leaned against Faith.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, not wanting to deal with her...order just yet. If ever. Not gonna go down that road ever again. "What happened? I-I thought you were gonna wait for me, Faith?"

[wickedslayer]

Just like that, with the blink of an eye she was wavin' the gun away from my hand. She couldn't....she couldn't do that! Now I could just feel rage sweepin' throughout my entire body. How could she do that to me? I needed that! How could I threaten her if she was always usin' that magick crap on me? She was just as bad as Vail if not worse because I'd already had to kill Wesley to get to Vail. I didn't have anything left to lose with Willow. Lookin' at my empty hand I wanted to cry but I kept it all bottled up instead. Last thing I wanted to have Red see. Besides, I came here for a reason. She had to bring him back! I couldn't see past that.

"Bring him back, you bitch!" I yelled at her, hurt by the accusation in her voice. Wasn't I gonna wait for her? Fuck no. I was done waitin' on witches and wizards to back me up because they took too fucking long or kicked my ass and I was kind've opposed to both of those things.

She brought Buffy back to me once upon a time and now she could bring Wesley back to me. If she didn't I was afraid of what I was gonna do and how she would stop me. Maybe I wasn't afraid of the stopping part as long as it was a permanant sort of stop. I wasn't even supposed to be here. Should still be layin' on the floor at Vail's pad with those two other sorry bastards. If she didn't let me hit her or something else really soon I was gonna snap. I knew I would.

"You've done it before. You have to." My voice and my hand both waivered as I dropped my now weaponless hand back to my side. "You brought her back and she's fine!" Okay, well maybe fine wasn't exactly the word I'd use for B but it wasn't like she'd been exactly fine before. At least she was alive and that was enough for me.

[_willow_magic]

Oookay, I'm guessing reasoning flew right out the window here. And y'know, at one point I'd be quivering in my booties by now. Cause hello? Normal human versus Slayer here. But that was then and this was now. As much as Ken likes to protect me, I don't really need protection anymore. Even though I kinda like it when she does. Not the point now.

I stared at her when she pointedly didn't explain to me what happened. All I knew was that Wes was dead and she wanted me to bring him back. Bitch...even. I blinked at that, though why I was surprised I don't really know. This *was* Faith after all. Maybe Kennedy being around would like totally not be a bad idea right now. Cause, I'm thinking she's so not with the listening to me.

"What *happened*, Faith," I asked quietly, still avoiding her demand. Cause Buffy did not come back okay. She did not come back fine. She hid it of course, but in the end the truth has this ugly kinda way of sneaking out anyway. And it took a-a-a singing demon kinda guy to get everything out in the open.

The thought of Wes and Faith belching out their...feelings...kinda does not compute.

"She wasn't fine," I whispered, narrowing my eyes at her. Prepare for the worst here Willow, she looks like she's about to jump of the deep end. "I can't bring him back." I *wont* bring him back.

[wickedslayer]

She wasn't even listening to me. Too busy askin' questions of her own to even offer me up any answers. Bitch! Why wouldn't she just do this for me? For Wes even? Because we weren't as good as precious fucking Buffy? I was so tired of that same old shit. Buffy was the golden child and everybody else might as well not exist. Well, I was the slayer now. It was me, carried on through me no matter how many more slayers there were. I was the one. Buffy was dead and the rest was imitation. Shouldn't she be helpin' me right about now? And she was right. Buffy wasn't fine but she was mostly fine and that was good enough for me.

"Yes, you can!" I practically spit at her wondering how quickly my ass would get swatted down with magick again if I made a move on her. So fucking tired of that noise. "You can, you've done it before. DO IT AGAIN!" I yelled so loud I thought hotel security might be called but I'd kill them too. I didn't give a fuck right now.

Shaking my head I backed away a few steps as Noname growled at Willow. He knew I was upset too. Maybe I should just let the dog rip her apart for a little while. No. I didn't want Noname to get hurt. He was a dog though, how much could he possibly mean in the long run? I wanted Wes back not some stupid dog to chew up my boots.

"You're not gonna help me, are you?" I asked suddenly very quiet. Eerily quiet. It was painful, this silence. I wanted to break it up by hitting something, preferably her since Vail was already dead and she was the closest thing I knew. She had the power and she wouldn't even use it.

"I killed him, did you know that?!" I asked her loudly and aggressively. "Pointed the gun right at his head because he was in the way of my shot. I had to kill Vail." Suddenly tears started trailin' down my cheeks a little. Oh no. FUCK NO! I wasn't gonna cry. I was gonna get pissed and bring him back. "I killed him."

[_willow_magic]

"I can't!" I yelled back just as hard. I was getting angry now because she was so not listening to me. She was upset, yeah sure. But she was upsetting me too now. And don't I count as well? Cause not! Wesley was dead and I don't think I've ever seen her upset like this before.

"I ripped her out of heaven, Faith! She was *happy*! She was okay there, she was fine, she was at peace with herself and everything else! And I ripped her out of there!" God, I'll never forgive myself for that. The look on her face when she finally admitted that. The pain, the anger the... She never really did forgive me, and she shouldn't.

"Do you want me to rip him out of heaven too? Do you want me to grab him and drop him back into this world where he'd known nearly nothing more then pain! Is that what you want? Do you think he'll be grateful for that?!" Okay, calm down here. This isn't going to do either of us good. One upset screaming girl is more then enough me thinks.

I was about to try and reason with her again, though it seemed like a hopeless cause. When it suddenly hit her that I wasn't going to help her. "I can't," I whispered. "I wont put someone else through that again, Faith. It's not right. I'm not god." Nor am I a goddess, no matter what spells or magic I use. I'm not god, I got no right to play god.

Taking a deep breath, my hand moved toward my mouth to keep in a sob from escaping when I saw how she started to cry. Faith. Cry. God. She had to kill him, she had to kill him to get to that Vail bastard. "I'm sorry," I spoke quietly. Knowing it wouldn't do her any good. Wouldn't do Wes any good. Would probably only anger her more. But what else was I supposed to do? The deed was done, Wes was...dead. And Faith was more upset about it then I'd ever thought she'd be.

It was in my nature to go over there and y'know, wrap my arms around her. Or rub a hand over her shoulder. Anything to give comfort. But I couldn't. I just stood there, pressing a hand to my mouth and my own tears falling down my face. My other arm hung limply by my side, hand clenched into a fist.

"I can't Faith. I can't risk the change of tearing him out of heaven. He...I..." Sighing I looked down at the floor. "He knew he there was a chance he was going to die when he went after you. He accepted that. He...you both did what you set out to do." Even if the price might be to high. But there's always a price to pay for fighting the good fight. No matter what we do isn't there? And I don't think Wes blames her. Think he probably told her to do it. Stupid....ass.

[wickedslayer]

This was Wesley and we both fucking knew that he wasn't in heaven. That was where big shiny hero types like B got to go. Types like me and Wes who fucked up over and over again? Yeah, we didn't get the swanky afterlife. Hell. That was where he was headin' and I sent him on a first class ticket. I did it. I killed him. I killed someone again. I killed someone I loved. It was a wildly different feeling but in the end still the same. Had he heard me? Did he hate me? Did he die thinkin' I was a waste of his fucking time?

Now she was crying and she didn't have the fucking right! It wasn't her's. Kennedy was still alive, at least I assumed she was wherever she might have gone off to. She didn't have the right! She turned her back on both of us even if she tried to make up for it later with her stupid self righteous Buffy is the only hero ever attitude. I just wanted to slap her.

I think I took her off guard cause before I knew it I had her pinned roughly against the wall, my hands shaking as my fingers clamped down over her arms, my face close to her's.

"Don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare. Pull that self righteous bullshit on me again and I swear to fucking God I will rip your head right off your shoulders. Wes isn't Buffy and you brought her back! That's why you won't do it! You'll only do it for her!"

Suddenly I was blindsided by a violent force knocking me away from Willow and down to the ground. Kennedy tryin' her best to pin me down except she kept forgetting I was the Senior Slayer here. She was just another wannabe.

"Get the fuck off me!" I yelled at her as she pinned my wrists down to the floor.

"Faith, calm down! What the hell are you doing?!" She all but screamed into my face.

[_willow_magic]

I didn't even fight it when she suddenly pinned me against the wall. All it took for me were a few whispered words and she'd be the one with her face to the floor, unable to move. I was still crying though. Because he'd been my friend too dammit! Cordy and he called us when they needed help with computers and magic and stuff. He called me!

But she was being selfish again. The only one to hurt and feel his loose. Sure, they were getting with the closeness, much to my surprise I can tell you that much. But who am I to judge? I'm a killer myself. I have blood on my hands and not just Warrens. Buffy's too. She was never okay and me bringing her back caused Anya to die. Cause a lot of Slayers to die. If I hadn't done that, the first wouldn't... but so not the point either.

"That's not true," I told her, my eyes narrowing. I was getting pissed now, close to just slapping her around a bit myself. I so hadn’t forgotten her stay in Sunnydale the first time around. "I have no *right* Faith. I don't care what you think. I'm *not* god." It's not my decision.

Okay, enough of this crap. She's not listening. And I'm kinda wondering if she just left Wes there. Shouldn't he get like a burial at the very least? Maybe she should focus on that. Yeah, over and done with, nothing I can do now. If only she'd waited. Truths a bitch, hurts like hell too.

Just as I was about to shove her off me, there was a flash and Kennedy was there. I let out a relieved breath. I moved over to them, putting my hand on Kennedy's shoulder. "Wes died," I whispered. "She had to kill him to get to Vail. She wants me to bring him back."

[wickedslayer]

"So? What do we do? Just dart her and knock her out until she calms the fuck down?" Kennedy asked Willow but turned her eyes back to me as she kept pressin' her weight down on me. They were talkin' about me like I wasn't even here and it was only pissin' me off anymore. Why were they doin' that? Why couldn't she just fucking bring him back? I wanted him back. I lunged at Willow and Kennedy smashed her fist into the side of my face before pinning my wrists to the floor again. I was older and stronger probably but upset wasn't even the word for me right now. I couldn't even see straight.

After struggling with Kennedy for a few more minutes I realized I wasn't gonna win so I just let my head thud against the floor. I just gave up. Like out of nowhere the fight just went out of me and instead I was just so fucking sad I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't take it. It hurt so much I didn't think I was gonna make it through the next ten minutes.

Well, then make it through the next five.

Angel. I cried for him too, just turned my face away from Kennedy as she finally eased up a little bit on the pressure she had on me. Her muscles still tense in case I decided to freak out again I guess. Willow wasn't gonna bring him back and now he was just dead and I had to live with it. I almost shook my head and laughed. If only he could see me now. If only they could all see me now. How disappointed they would be.

"Can I let you up now?" Kennedy asked me quietly but I didn't even answer her question, just let my head loll to the side, hidin' my face from her as best as I could.

[_willow_magic]

I shook my head at Kennedy. That wasn't gonna work. Faith had to face the fact that he was gone. Wouldn't come back until someone up there decided otherwise. And let's be real, when did they ever do the right thing? They just let us struggle on and on and on. And not even a thank you when you win!

Blinking I took a step back when she lunged at me. God, so much violence. I knew it was kinda the only way she knew how to handle this. But I have to be honest here, if she'd do it any other way, I'd be kinda scared. Wincing when Kennedy hit her, I stepped close again, putting my hand back on Ken's shoulder. Kinda had no idea who I was calming down here. Myself, Kennedy or Faith. Think nothing is gonna calm down Faith like...ever.

Noname had crawled under the bed, making small sounds. Great, we're all upset, even the dog. When I looked back at Faith, my heart broke at the expression on her face. Like she gave up, like she didn't care anymore. And this was the reaction I feared. I felt the same when I lost Tara. How I'd wanted to bring her back too, but I couldn't do it then too. She was the one who thought me that... I wasn't god, it wasn't my choice. God, how I had wanted to bring her back.

Instead I became a murderer. She'd be so proud, like not.

"Let her go, sweetie," I whispered, chewing my bottom lip to keep in the tears. This time they were not just for Wes. They were for her as well. She looked so... lost. Like she just lost the only thing that mattered to her. "I'm sorry Faith. I can't bring him back. Don't you think I want to?" I glanced over at Kennedy, giving her a weak smile. "Don't you think I wanted to when they took Tara away from me? It's not right."

[wickedslayer]

Don't you think I want to? How the hell was I supposed to know? All of them only cared about themselves and their tight knit little group and that was totally unfair of me. Because I knew Red was different then the girl I'd known when I first came to Sunnydale. It was just as fair for her to call me a psychopathic murderer as it was for me to call her a self righteous bitch. Then again? I really wasn't helpin' my non Psycho rep right at the moment. I was just so....so fucking pissed and then it faded away and I had to suck it up and deal with what I'd done and the fact that he was gone and he was never comin' back. I hated that.

"I don't know." I said numbly as Kennedy finally released her grip on my wrists and let go of me completely. She stood up anxiously next to Willow like she was waitin' for me to do something stupid again. As soon as Kennedy let me go Noname came out from under the bed with his nose almost touching the carpet. Looking just as sad and fucking lost as I did. He whined and nosed my arm tryin' to curl up right next to me. I wanted to bury my face in his fur and I thought about doin' just that for a minute.

Sitting up I decided to bury my face in the dog anyway. My only part left. Now I really was all alone. No Angel, no Wes, and we all knew that Buffy never really had my back. The puppy cried too and it made me feel a little bit better to know that someone was on my side. Pathetic pair we were.

Finally I let go of him and Kennedy and Willow were exchanging a nervous glance like I'd gone right off the deep end or something. I wasn't. I mean, it didn't feel like I was anymore. Now I just wanted to shuffle off quietly and go be miserable somewhere where it wasn't a total spectacle. With my dog. Cause it was the only thing I had left.

"He's really gone." I said quietly after a minute lettin' that sink in. Great goin', Faith. managed to get another watcher killed. Weren't watchers supposed to outlive their slayers?

[_willow_magic]

Never thought that Faith would ever break my heart into tiny little pieces. *Never* occurred to me. She was a Slayer, she was a murderer like I was, she'd been in jail, she was... She had always seemed to distant and with this 'I don't need anyone attitude'. And now look at her.

I looked over at Kennedy, once again biting my lip nervously. Don't think she's gonna go off the deep end now. Gotta say, she's taking this way better then me. Wes would be kinda proud. I think. Not like I really know. But she wasn't out hurting people. Or killing them, like I'd done.

No, instead she sat here on the floor of a hotelroom that was like a thousand others in the world. Burying her face in the fur or a puppy dog and holding onto it like it was all she had left. It was...something I'd never thought I'd see. And something told me I never would again.

Letting go of Kennedy, I walked over to her and crouched down. I looked at her seriously, casting my eyes toward the trembling dog for a moment before turning them back to hers. "I know," I whispered. "But you gotta move on. I know it's hard, but you’re still alive. There's gotta be a reason for that, you just need to find out what it is." I looked back at Kennedy when I said that, knowing my reason for living was standing right there.

"I think he'd want you to move on, Faith. But something tells me you'd know that way better then I would. And Faith, you need to give yourself and him closure." Closure? Geeze, what kinda stupid word was that to use. But what else could I say? Suck it up and move on? Like I did that when Tara was shot.

[wickedslayer]

I finally moved sullen eyes up to meet her's and had to hold back that rage that wanted to come spillin' out again. What was she gonna do? Shrink me now? Think I got enough of that in prison thank you very much but what the hell would she know about prison? She'd killed a few people but B never made her kick back in the clink for a few years. Not that Buffy had made me exactly she just sorta told me that's where I should go and then I turned myself in. Whatever! I was just...gonna...gonna...I didn't know. The last time I'd felt this lost I'd be all with the psycho.

"Closure?" I asked her quietly instead, not really even recognizing the sound of my own voice. The last time I'd tried to get closure I'd ended up shovin' a gigantic wooden pole through Kakistos' cold dead heart. Now I didn't know what to do. The bad guy was already dead and for as much as I tried to shift that on over to Red here? It wasn't really workin'.

Of course Wes would want me to move on. He'd followed me in there because he didn't want me to die alone but I knew he didn't want me to die at all. Maybe that was why he'd gone? I wasn't sure that I would've made it out of there alive much less with Vail dead if Wesley hadn't been there fightin' with me. I shouldn't have let him....Vail would still be alive then and Wes would be hugging a dog? Fuck. I had no clue what to do or what to say or who to be or where to go. Mostly I was just fightin' a serious flight or fight instinct here.

[_willow_magic]

Yeah, well. Closure. How do you tell someone they need to burry the person they lost and move on? If they'd told me that when Tara died, I'd have ripped their heads off. Instead I ripped a guys skin off and got hauled away to that stupid coven. Where everyone was afraid of me. Could see it in their faces, the way they talked, moved. Hated that. Never felt so alone before.

Getting up I shrugged and let out a sigh. I moved over to Kennedy, taking her hand in mine and resting my head on her shoulder. I was so tired. Felt kinda drained. Can only imagine what Faith must feel. Kinda like ten times worse? Don't really have the energy to be mathematical. Bah on that.

"You need to give him a place to rest, Faith," I said quietly, lifting my head from Kennedy's shoulder. "Giving yourself time to say goodbye properly too." And others. I kinda wanted to say goodbye too. Not sure about any of the others. Don't think Buffy would care. Or Xander. Maybe Giles, y'know as a fellow...watchery type British person kinda.

But this was more important to Faith. For Faith. The rest could wait. Would wait. Made me wonder if they ever kinda put Angel and his friends to rest. Not like there was much of him left to put to rest, but it's the symbolism that counts here.

[wickedslayer]

"What? Like a funeral?" I asked confused, annoyed that the two of them were all wrapped around eachother. Sure, fucking rub it in about how happy you are. I wanted to get pissed about it, but I found that I didn't have the energy to get pissed anymore. Instead I was just floatin', driftin', what the fuck ever. Lonely. And I didn't wanna think about funerals and sayin' goodbye and proper resting places. When this stuff happened I usually just caught the quickest train out of town. Why deal with your shit when you can run away from it all right?

Noname nudged my arm with his cold nose and I thought that maybe he was weighin' in. Maybe he wanted a funeral for Wesley too.

"I don't...I don't even know where to start." Was that me admitting that I needed help? Well, I guess that was better then tryin' to kill 'em which was what I'd been doin' before I'd decided crying was a better option. "I don't wanna think about funerals right now! I just..."

I just what? Wanted to be left alone? I felt so fucking exposed right now and it was killin' me. Because there were only a few people who got to see me this way and they were all dead and now here I was tryin' to make cheap replacements out of Kennedy and Willow.

[_willow_magic]

"Yeah," I shrugged, feeling totally miserable. I had like no idea how to do that either. And hearing her admit that she had no idea where to start just crumbled another piece of the 'I don't care' wall. Cause I so did care. I couldn't not care. Not when she was sitting there looking completely lost.

Never had to arrange a funeral before. I mean, Giles took care of Joyce for Buffy. And I never really knew how took care of Tara. Cause by the time I came back from England, she was already buried. Thank god I did have a place to go to and say goodbye. And beg for forgiveness, over and over and...till I had no more tears left.

But c'mon now. Between me and Kennedy and her we could figure... Oooh! I'll call Giles. He'll know what to do. I suppose Wes' family should know. Guess them being all watchery types, Giles should tell them too. Who else would tell them? Unless Faith wanted to, but I don't think she's thinking that far ahead.

"I..." I frowned and looked at Kennedy again before turning back to Faith. "I can call Giles. I'm pretty sure he'll be able to arrange something. You just need to like... Pick out a spot." I winced at that, because picking out a spot and putting him to rest gave it that air of finality. "And if you don't want that, Ken and I will help you out. Right Ken?"

[wickedslayer]

I nodded at her not really sure what to tell her. Call Giles, he could take care of it. Always the ever faithful Daddy figure. Kinda sweet if it didn't make me so fucking jealous I couldn't even see straight. God, I hated that feeling. So instead I slowly nodded at the both of them before finally pullin' myself up to my feet I'd had enough of bein' on the ground. Nothin' but kicked down and dragged around til I couldn't even see straight anymore. Well, enough was enough and I was gonna just pick up what was left of my heart and my pride and leave with my tail between my legs. Me and the dog both.

"Okay. Make the call." I finally relented, glancin' down at Noname as he clung close to my side. He'd missed me. I'd missed him too and now we could both go home and miss Wesley together.

"You know where to reach me." I said as I headed towards the door. I thought about turnin' around to thank them but I didn't feel particularly grateful at the moment. Instead I just wanted to go home and be left alone and pretend that my life didn't suck beyond sucking. Wait. I was never that good at pretending. Mostly I just wanted to be left alone.

With that I closed the door behind me knowin' that I was headin' to an empty house with Noname. Another chapter about to close in my life and I found myself gettin' shoved into the next just like usual.