life as we know it.
The world has taken over me. I became too preoccupied with my own insignificant businesses that I didn’t even notice that the “leaves” of my family tree are detaching themselves voluntarily from its branches.
I was too unaware slash ignorant of what’s happening around, and in an instant, I lost two of my most beloved people here on earth.
Recently, we were so depressed because my grandfather had a mild stroke for the second time. I was even at a retreat then when I started to bawl to my classmates and tell them how sorry I am for him. I stuck into prayers for the fast recovery of my Papa, as we call him. And with God’s goodness, my prayers were answered. At that time, I know that God has given me a chance; a chance to prove Papa, and also Him, that he deserves to live. This opportunity was laid before me. And you know what I did? I COMPLETELY ignored it.
‘Til one day I got home, this horrible news struck me: PAPA HAS A HEMORRHAGE. He was found lying on the floor that morning, awake with eyes opened but was unable to move or shout just to ask for help. And so he was rushed to the hospital, and he stayed at the I.C.U. for his serious condition.
That was the start of the CRISIS. Maybe God is punishing me for my disappointing irresponsibility, I thought. After some time, he eventually recuperated and was ready to go back home. But along came a miserable news that he is already bed-ridden.
HOPELESSNESS.
October 23, 2005, around 4:00 in the morning - My mom is waking me up, and said the words “Si Papa!” in a panicking manner. I already know what she means. =’c After some process of checking the body done by the doctor, it was confirmed that Papa……
…Papa had lost the grip.
No one would be able to calculate how regretful I am that I DID NOT DO what God expects me to do for that life He has given Papa; for the life I asked for from Him. I admit that I didn’t use that time to take care of my grandfather. I barely visit him, and when I say barely, that may mean only once or twice in 2 to 3 weeks of stay in his room, or rather, his bed before he died.
What’s worse is that I wasn’t able to do that when in fact WE LIVE IN THE SAME ROOF all my life. I don’t even know the reason why. Perhaps, I hate seeing him like that. Or perhaps, it’s a shame that it might be indifference and lack of sympathy that prevents me from having just a sight of him, even just at mornings before I go to school. I STILL BELIEVE THAT PAPA HATES ME BECAUSE OF THAT, UNTIL NOW. If only he could talk before he died, he would definitely shout at me and cry… cry for being so dismayed that I couldn’t even take care of him, when I know very well that he wants me to be the one to do that in return of what he did for me when I was still a kid.
You see, I shunned the idea of writing about this matter because I hate myself a lot. I HATE MYSELF A LOT. But when I found out that my great grandmother died, I said to myself, “Hey, they want to tell me something.”
Life, as we know it, is a God-given gift. A couple could reproduce life, but life in general is only from God and from Him alone. And as we all know, the time will come when each one of us will leave the mortal world and receive eternal happiness with the Lord. So we have to cherish every moment, every second of our lives. We must live each day as if it were last. Just like what Hitch said, “Live each day as if it were on purpose.” All these sound cliché, but these are what God really wants to instill in our minds. “It” may be done and over, but as long as we know we lived well, the ending may right away be filled with satisfaction.
Life may be short, but in a journey of joyful memories, the winding road might seem long and worthwhile after all.
And one more thing. Live life sensibly, before it is too late. =’c
I love you Papa and Mama. I always do.
I AM SORRY.