(no subject)
As this journal is for me more than anyone else, I'm making myself update.
It is 24 minutes past midnight, no not very late by general standards, but late enough. I'm having one of those nights where I can't sleep because lying alone in a dark room makes me dwell on how much I hate myself. Those nights happen, not too much can be done about it.
It's been a bit... off in my head space lately. I did a good thing, and spoke to Kirsch about it, and she was very lovely and made me cry all over her office. I think I will have to try and check in with her regularly, to keep in brains in place. She made me think about the things I have achieved, and it's not nothing. It can be hard to think I've got anywhere, when by Social Standards I fail at many things, but one thing I know I've come a long way on is Talking. I went and spoke to Kirsch when before I definitely would have just sat in my own head and let things fall apart around me. So. Another thing to write in the 'progress' box. And while SOAS may not have been everything I wanted it to be, it did manage to be a hell of a lot of what I wanted, and has been a Good Thing. So, try again in Australia. Move the count up to 80% what I want. Come back and go somewhere for MA. Aim for 85%. I'm the one who can chose to make it what it is. That is something else I have learned, and I've got to work hard not to forget it.
I have also been writing. A little. More than none. No fic, original stuff. After killing myself dead writing Yuletide, it's taken a little while to get back to my own stuff. Rereading some bits from the Arvon course last October, much better than I had thought. Also, working on something very much just from the inside of my head. No plot as of yet. Just my brain, on the page. Well, certain bits of it. I don't think I've written like that since my breakdown. Not sure how positive a thing it is to get back? But I'll roll with it. V happy to feel a direct connection with writing again. Makes it something there is actually a point in doing. Fic can be very draining in that respect. Too much externality (should be a word, I shall petition).
Prospects: fluctuating?
It is 24 minutes past midnight, no not very late by general standards, but late enough. I'm having one of those nights where I can't sleep because lying alone in a dark room makes me dwell on how much I hate myself. Those nights happen, not too much can be done about it.
It's been a bit... off in my head space lately. I did a good thing, and spoke to Kirsch about it, and she was very lovely and made me cry all over her office. I think I will have to try and check in with her regularly, to keep in brains in place. She made me think about the things I have achieved, and it's not nothing. It can be hard to think I've got anywhere, when by Social Standards I fail at many things, but one thing I know I've come a long way on is Talking. I went and spoke to Kirsch when before I definitely would have just sat in my own head and let things fall apart around me. So. Another thing to write in the 'progress' box. And while SOAS may not have been everything I wanted it to be, it did manage to be a hell of a lot of what I wanted, and has been a Good Thing. So, try again in Australia. Move the count up to 80% what I want. Come back and go somewhere for MA. Aim for 85%. I'm the one who can chose to make it what it is. That is something else I have learned, and I've got to work hard not to forget it.
I have also been writing. A little. More than none. No fic, original stuff. After killing myself dead writing Yuletide, it's taken a little while to get back to my own stuff. Rereading some bits from the Arvon course last October, much better than I had thought. Also, working on something very much just from the inside of my head. No plot as of yet. Just my brain, on the page. Well, certain bits of it. I don't think I've written like that since my breakdown. Not sure how positive a thing it is to get back? But I'll roll with it. V happy to feel a direct connection with writing again. Makes it something there is actually a point in doing. Fic can be very draining in that respect. Too much externality (should be a word, I shall petition).
Prospects: fluctuating?