Its been a while. hmm.
So I'm an old person or something.
I find investment information interesting and fill my plane rides with management books and powerpoint slides. I've done a lot of very 'nice' things. I weekend afternoons watching the clouds roll by over a cold one. I ponder what it was to be young, and how fun it was to play all day. Riding bikes is never just goin around, its now a 15k endeavor. The distance traveled going fast is now the reward, not the candy you were riding to.
I care about traffic conditions, and the dangers of diabetes, blood pressure, taxes and the environment. I worry about global warming and the poverty of my fellow man. I consider many of the give back programs at work.
I play sports and video games to win. I watch movies for hte reaction I get out of them, and find I only ahve interest movies that are mindlessly violent, sexual or obscenely sad.
I save my quarters and dimes, and even nickels just for that off chance i want that kit kat bar at the vending machine. I've found great value out of icepacks and advil.
Young girls talk to me as if I was their brother, and with loving eyes they save for their family. Guys talk to me as if i was their brother and teacher all into one. I am the type to watch my savings accumlate but i haven't spent any of it. I buy gas, meager food, cheap alcohol and pay my bills. I have spent $50 on a video game. That was nice. I am trying to think of something else to buy jsut so i could say i did it, and am enjoying my money. I realize i spent my money more when i had none.
Going into my frist job i had 74$ in my bank accoutn after clearing the credit cards. I can say I am a good distance away from that now, yet feel no richer. Jesus and Muhammad love me, L Ron Hubbard wants to give me advice about my sickness, Shiva will protect me from the demons and caffine will help me work harder. The media is liberal and conservative, and those definitions have siwtched in teh last 20 years.
I've suffered more physical injury in teh last 10 months then i have in my entire life. I feel like i've turned into an 'advenutre' junkie unsatisfied with the good hand i've been dealt. It's like getting shot in the head would be a boon to what i've become. Too much eager enjoyment, too much excitement dying like that. Instead I should die a slow uneventful life.
Am I depressed? I think not. I gain some gratification about the help i seem to be giving others, but the help i give them only allows them to in some form or another, turn them into me...
What Would Jesus, Jerome Bettis, or Mark Foley do? They say Tupac had suicidal and inane thoughts at the height of his career. Inundated with money, fame and fortune he kept his thoughts to his lyrics, mostly filled iwth nostalgia about the life he had desperately tried to escape, but also with the undaunted violence of his imagination.
I am often frustrated with being human, and in that all we ever serve to do is give ourselves a higher peak and struggle to reach for it.
The humorous existentialism embedded in the passing hours give way to the conscious acquiescenceto living the life of a blessed suburbian.
By no means do i believe myself gifted. I find myself the receptor of life's generous donations. ANd in a stupor am overwhelmed. I live a life of service to my coroporate masters, my selfish desires, and the world who begs for my charity. I am to assume that this is what I was working so hard for.
A child once replied to the question of love: "it's what's left in the room after you open all the presents." While seemingly cute, there's an undercut to that statement that says volumes about the experience of life. An emptiness of shallow expectation that I am only now learning.
Allow me to leave you with this one anecdote.
They say the cleft in our top lip is placed by the Angel Gabriel. Before conception we are created in the room of Gaf and we are given all the knowledge we will ever need for our life. Right before we enter the real world he presses his finger to our lips and that knowledge is silenced.
But hey, I dont' bleieve in that sort of thing right?
I find investment information interesting and fill my plane rides with management books and powerpoint slides. I've done a lot of very 'nice' things. I weekend afternoons watching the clouds roll by over a cold one. I ponder what it was to be young, and how fun it was to play all day. Riding bikes is never just goin around, its now a 15k endeavor. The distance traveled going fast is now the reward, not the candy you were riding to.
I care about traffic conditions, and the dangers of diabetes, blood pressure, taxes and the environment. I worry about global warming and the poverty of my fellow man. I consider many of the give back programs at work.
I play sports and video games to win. I watch movies for hte reaction I get out of them, and find I only ahve interest movies that are mindlessly violent, sexual or obscenely sad.
I save my quarters and dimes, and even nickels just for that off chance i want that kit kat bar at the vending machine. I've found great value out of icepacks and advil.
Young girls talk to me as if I was their brother, and with loving eyes they save for their family. Guys talk to me as if i was their brother and teacher all into one. I am the type to watch my savings accumlate but i haven't spent any of it. I buy gas, meager food, cheap alcohol and pay my bills. I have spent $50 on a video game. That was nice. I am trying to think of something else to buy jsut so i could say i did it, and am enjoying my money. I realize i spent my money more when i had none.
Going into my frist job i had 74$ in my bank accoutn after clearing the credit cards. I can say I am a good distance away from that now, yet feel no richer. Jesus and Muhammad love me, L Ron Hubbard wants to give me advice about my sickness, Shiva will protect me from the demons and caffine will help me work harder. The media is liberal and conservative, and those definitions have siwtched in teh last 20 years.
I've suffered more physical injury in teh last 10 months then i have in my entire life. I feel like i've turned into an 'advenutre' junkie unsatisfied with the good hand i've been dealt. It's like getting shot in the head would be a boon to what i've become. Too much eager enjoyment, too much excitement dying like that. Instead I should die a slow uneventful life.
Am I depressed? I think not. I gain some gratification about the help i seem to be giving others, but the help i give them only allows them to in some form or another, turn them into me...
What Would Jesus, Jerome Bettis, or Mark Foley do? They say Tupac had suicidal and inane thoughts at the height of his career. Inundated with money, fame and fortune he kept his thoughts to his lyrics, mostly filled iwth nostalgia about the life he had desperately tried to escape, but also with the undaunted violence of his imagination.
I am often frustrated with being human, and in that all we ever serve to do is give ourselves a higher peak and struggle to reach for it.
The humorous existentialism embedded in the passing hours give way to the conscious acquiescenceto living the life of a blessed suburbian.
By no means do i believe myself gifted. I find myself the receptor of life's generous donations. ANd in a stupor am overwhelmed. I live a life of service to my coroporate masters, my selfish desires, and the world who begs for my charity. I am to assume that this is what I was working so hard for.
A child once replied to the question of love: "it's what's left in the room after you open all the presents." While seemingly cute, there's an undercut to that statement that says volumes about the experience of life. An emptiness of shallow expectation that I am only now learning.
Allow me to leave you with this one anecdote.
They say the cleft in our top lip is placed by the Angel Gabriel. Before conception we are created in the room of Gaf and we are given all the knowledge we will ever need for our life. Right before we enter the real world he presses his finger to our lips and that knowledge is silenced.
But hey, I dont' bleieve in that sort of thing right?