don't know just what to do with myself
It's been quite awhile since I have posted anything, but I have so much on my mind right now I'm going crazy. Today Jason was talking to his sister on the phone and they were talking about graduation weekend, when he's moving out of our apartment, when he's moving up to Pittsburgh, etc. After he got off the phone with her we started talking about all of that sort of stuff also. I have been avoiding thinking about all of that stuff, because everytime I do it really stresses me out. You see, our actualy move-out date to be out of our apartment is at the end of April- the 27th or something like that, I can't remember the exact date. Well, Megan is just going home for the summer, Steph is going back home for the time being also, and Jason is either planning to move his stuff back to Tampa temporarily until he moves to PA or he was just going to move straight up there. None of them are sure if they are walking for graduation. My whole family has already made arrangements to come down for graduation and so I don't have the option of not walking. Plus, I want to walk. I didn't walk for my Bachelor's because it was over the summer and it seemed pointless, and I've worked really hard, so I should walk for my Master's. Where it gets difficult for me is that Jason, Megan and Stephanie are planning to move out by the time our lease runs out- but I don't have that option, because I don't have anywhere to go. Graduation isn't until May 3, and so that's a whole extra week that I would have to be paying for the apartment by myself. Jason has said that he would feel bad leaving and making me pay for the whole thing alone, and so he would stay if I needed him to. Megan and Stephanie don't want to be paying money if they don't have to- and I don't blame them- but it just really sucks for me. I have all this furniture and so it's not like I can just keep stuff at a friend's place or something until I'm ready to move up to PA the weekend after graduation. A few weeks ago my mom made a comment to me that she and my dad have thought about me just selling all of my stuff because it's going to be too expensive to move it all. At first I got really upset by that. I mean, it has felt so nice to have all of my own things already and I just felt like it was one less thing that I will have to worry about when I'm starting out on my own. Now, it seems like it might be something I have to do. Jason was very kind in offering to let me stay with him for the week in between classes and graduation if I sell everything and just need a place to stay. In that case I would only have clothes and things like that that I could just pack in my car. This would give me and my family extra money rather than forcing them to spend tons of money to bring it back up and it would solve my problem of needing to put things in storage or stay in the apartment for an extra week and either pay for it on my own or pay half of it if Jason stayed with me.
When I have to start thinking about things like this it brings up other problems though. That is that I don't know exactly where I'm going or what I'll be doing when I leave here. I know I can't stay- teaching, or living for that matter, in Florida no longer sounds appealing to me. Becky lives in MD, only about 25 minutes away from Oxford and she has offered to let me live with her. I think that would be fun- but at the same time, Becky and I are very different people now than who we were six years ago when we were still best friends. I love her, but I'm not truly sure that living with her would be the best situation for me. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if going back home is the right decision for me anyway. I know this is going to sound stupid- but I truly feel like the only person looking forward to me coming back to live in PA is Zachary (my 8 year-old nephew). I feel like all of my other friends who are graduating have a purpose and place to go. Stef is staying in Gainesville, because Travis is still here. He wants to be with her, she wants to be with him and so this is her place to be. Jason is going to Pittsburgh- his sister desparately wants him there and she is literally counting down the days until he lives near her- hell, she'd be happy if he lived WITH her. Megan is getting married, so she knows that she will live at home and sub until she gets married and then moves to CA with Jimmy. Steph knows that she wants to teach for the DOD in Italy- if that doesn't happen for her she has friends and family that would love to have her in Clearwater. Actually, Steph would probably be fine going anywhere or doing anything even if it was on her own. I'm not like that. This may sound pathetic, but I am someone who wants someone to need or want me. I think that's why I stayed with Joel for as long as I did even though it was a really crappy relationship. I liked having someone who wanted and needed me. I think that's what I miss most about being in a relationship- and I think that is what is making me so unhappy these days. I just don't feel wanted or needed by anyone. Everyone that I know has their own path and they are ready to start it without any hesitations. Not me. I have no clue what I'm doing or where I should go, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to go somewhere on my own and try to start something new. It is something I struggle with and pray about multiple times a day now and I still don't have an answer of how to fix it.
Well, if you've lasted through this, then bravo to you. This was more just for me than anything else. I hope you all are more prepared for adulthood than I am.
When I have to start thinking about things like this it brings up other problems though. That is that I don't know exactly where I'm going or what I'll be doing when I leave here. I know I can't stay- teaching, or living for that matter, in Florida no longer sounds appealing to me. Becky lives in MD, only about 25 minutes away from Oxford and she has offered to let me live with her. I think that would be fun- but at the same time, Becky and I are very different people now than who we were six years ago when we were still best friends. I love her, but I'm not truly sure that living with her would be the best situation for me. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if going back home is the right decision for me anyway. I know this is going to sound stupid- but I truly feel like the only person looking forward to me coming back to live in PA is Zachary (my 8 year-old nephew). I feel like all of my other friends who are graduating have a purpose and place to go. Stef is staying in Gainesville, because Travis is still here. He wants to be with her, she wants to be with him and so this is her place to be. Jason is going to Pittsburgh- his sister desparately wants him there and she is literally counting down the days until he lives near her- hell, she'd be happy if he lived WITH her. Megan is getting married, so she knows that she will live at home and sub until she gets married and then moves to CA with Jimmy. Steph knows that she wants to teach for the DOD in Italy- if that doesn't happen for her she has friends and family that would love to have her in Clearwater. Actually, Steph would probably be fine going anywhere or doing anything even if it was on her own. I'm not like that. This may sound pathetic, but I am someone who wants someone to need or want me. I think that's why I stayed with Joel for as long as I did even though it was a really crappy relationship. I liked having someone who wanted and needed me. I think that's what I miss most about being in a relationship- and I think that is what is making me so unhappy these days. I just don't feel wanted or needed by anyone. Everyone that I know has their own path and they are ready to start it without any hesitations. Not me. I have no clue what I'm doing or where I should go, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough to go somewhere on my own and try to start something new. It is something I struggle with and pray about multiple times a day now and I still don't have an answer of how to fix it.
Well, if you've lasted through this, then bravo to you. This was more just for me than anything else. I hope you all are more prepared for adulthood than I am.