Be my therapist
Maybe I psychoanalyze myself too much, or maybe I just have too much time on my hands so I spend most of it thinking about myself. Regardless, I'm in a funk right now (also could be brought on by impending PMS). For the last week, I've noticed lots of my former DZ sisters uploading facebook pictures from recruitment. Everyone is all smiles, dressed up, looking beautiful as usual. It paints such an unrealistic picture about the recruitment process and sorority life (at least how it was at DZ in the last year) that it makes me want to scream. If only recruitment was a time of all smiles and dressing up for the right reasons. I feel so bad for most of the freshman girls going through recruitment. How can you NOT be disillusioned when you walk into a gorgeously-decorated mansion filled by beautiful girls who do everything in their power (including bribing you with delicious desserts and attempting to touch your heart with cheesy videos and songs of sisterhood) to sway you into thinking that they are the best group of girls for you to associate with? If only they knew that behind the scenes, these girls were judging them from head to toe, secretly looking for chipped fingernails or toe polish, designer clothes or handbags, acne or a hair out of place. These girls, many of whom have no right to judge someone so closely all of a sudden become the mavens on rating someone's self worth, and all in a matter of minutes. Okay, so perhaps you can justify this by saying that in any friendship you judge the people you meet, deciding whether they are worthy of your time, even if on a small level. But the thing that is (excuse my french) fucked up about sororities is that this judging, this holier-than-thou attitude, doesn't dissipate once you are a supposed member of their sisterhood. I was never more humiliated, hurt and disgusted than I was last August when I was pushed to the back of the line in recruitment, essentially told that I was not good enough, for whatever reason, to be seen by these potential members. At that moment, it did not matter that I had unselfishly given to the sorority for three years. It did not matter that I was a member of their executive board, the nine women who were supposed to be the most respected officers on the board. It didn't matter that I had spent more than $200 buying a new wardrobe to recruit in. It didn't matter that I had left my internship a week early, forgoing more than $600 in wages. All that mattered was that I was a size 10 amidst size 2s and 4s. I was deemed not skinny enough, perhaps not pretty enough, and was shoved with 10 other girls into backs of lines, corners of the house and hidden away rooms, out of sight. The worst part? These girls expected me to go along with this without a fight! When I spoke my mind, tried to defend myself and my dignity, I was ridiculed! Girls got mad, told me to stop complaining, one girl even remarked that we should shut up and hold some water. But I guarantee that had this been forced upon them, they would have been cursing up the wazoo. I had every right in the book to defend myself. Who are these girls to tell me I'm not good enough? And then people wonder why my attitude toward DZ was never the same. How could it possibly be? Was I expected to forget how I was treated? Should I have looked at these women as friends after they could not only humiliate a sister in such a way, but do nothing in their power to stop it, rebel against it, try to make a change?
So I'm sorry if I'm bitter. I'm sorry if I never want to step foot in that sorority house, on that campus or in that town again. For my memories of recruitment are only one of the vast pangs of resentment I bear toward my college experience. Sure I had some good times mixed in there. I met some great people and did have some fun. But unfortunately all the bad tainted the good and to this day it is painful to look back on the four years that were supposed to be the best in my life. I'll admit that I'm jealous -- jealous of the people who were accepted in DZ, jealous of the people that loved their time at UF, that are still there loving it. I'm not sure why I still seek approval from people who essentially rejected me for being different. I knew from the get-go that UF was not the right school for me. I was a studious person who liked to have fun, but not in the drunken, slutty way that many of my sisters thought was normal. Throughout high school, I immersed myself in the theater, spending my time at rehearsals, performances and gigs. And when we weren't performing, I had a close-knit family of students just like me. We'd go to the movies, bowling, to the mall, even just hang out at one another's homes. We never drank, never even thought about it. We knew what we loved to do and despite the fact that within drama everyone is very different, we all accepted each other, flaws and all. I guess I expected college to be high school but better. Even after an average freshman year, I thought I'd find my niche and by senior year, not want to leave. At the end of senior year, I still didn't want to leave, but not because I was leaving a great experience, rather because I was afraid of the future. Afraid of the unknown.
I know that someday I'll be able to let this resentment go. I need to let it go. I need to move on with my life, forget the people that caused so much pain and learn how to go forward without putting up walls for fear that someone will hurt me again.
I realized this not long ago. That during school, really since recruitment, I built these tall walls. I stopped letting people in, stopped letting them get to know the real me. And these walls are still there. I went on one date this summer with a very nice guy and although he really wasn't the right guy for me, I got to thinking about relationships -- with men, with girlfriends, with my family. And I realized those walls are still there. I haven't let people in even since leaving school. I just keep closing people out, slowly isolating myself. But how do you begin to break down such thick walls? How do I make myself vulnerable again when I was so hurt? I guess getting my feelings out like this is the first step. I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night and they aired the episode where a man made hate tapes on his death bed, getting all of his anger off his chest before he died...a cleansing of sorts. Don't worry, I'm not about to make hate tapes, but I think somehow I need to start airing my grievances, making them all known. Perhaps if I get them down on paper (even e-paper), they will stop haunting me. Maybe it'll seem like I'm complaining, that I'm a negative person. But I think the only way that I'll be able to become the person I am, is by letting go of these negativities one by one. Starting today, starting now.
So I'm sorry if I'm bitter. I'm sorry if I never want to step foot in that sorority house, on that campus or in that town again. For my memories of recruitment are only one of the vast pangs of resentment I bear toward my college experience. Sure I had some good times mixed in there. I met some great people and did have some fun. But unfortunately all the bad tainted the good and to this day it is painful to look back on the four years that were supposed to be the best in my life. I'll admit that I'm jealous -- jealous of the people who were accepted in DZ, jealous of the people that loved their time at UF, that are still there loving it. I'm not sure why I still seek approval from people who essentially rejected me for being different. I knew from the get-go that UF was not the right school for me. I was a studious person who liked to have fun, but not in the drunken, slutty way that many of my sisters thought was normal. Throughout high school, I immersed myself in the theater, spending my time at rehearsals, performances and gigs. And when we weren't performing, I had a close-knit family of students just like me. We'd go to the movies, bowling, to the mall, even just hang out at one another's homes. We never drank, never even thought about it. We knew what we loved to do and despite the fact that within drama everyone is very different, we all accepted each other, flaws and all. I guess I expected college to be high school but better. Even after an average freshman year, I thought I'd find my niche and by senior year, not want to leave. At the end of senior year, I still didn't want to leave, but not because I was leaving a great experience, rather because I was afraid of the future. Afraid of the unknown.
I know that someday I'll be able to let this resentment go. I need to let it go. I need to move on with my life, forget the people that caused so much pain and learn how to go forward without putting up walls for fear that someone will hurt me again.
I realized this not long ago. That during school, really since recruitment, I built these tall walls. I stopped letting people in, stopped letting them get to know the real me. And these walls are still there. I went on one date this summer with a very nice guy and although he really wasn't the right guy for me, I got to thinking about relationships -- with men, with girlfriends, with my family. And I realized those walls are still there. I haven't let people in even since leaving school. I just keep closing people out, slowly isolating myself. But how do you begin to break down such thick walls? How do I make myself vulnerable again when I was so hurt? I guess getting my feelings out like this is the first step. I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night and they aired the episode where a man made hate tapes on his death bed, getting all of his anger off his chest before he died...a cleansing of sorts. Don't worry, I'm not about to make hate tapes, but I think somehow I need to start airing my grievances, making them all known. Perhaps if I get them down on paper (even e-paper), they will stop haunting me. Maybe it'll seem like I'm complaining, that I'm a negative person. But I think the only way that I'll be able to become the person I am, is by letting go of these negativities one by one. Starting today, starting now.