(no subject)
How to stop using drugs? Just stop using drugs. That's all and simple. Just give up. But is it really? I am addicted, not drug addicted, fortunately, but although addicted. I was trying to glue myself to some one all the time, and could not even imagine my life without this kind of dependence. Now without even small support I feel empty and lonely and even feel some kind of demolition! I need someone to love, I do need this fucking relationship all the time kinda I can't live without them. So stupid! I cry i am happy to be lonely and lying to myself simultaneously! How this could be? I got a lot of work and I come home by night carrying a heavy thought of my loneliness! Fuck it! I want to get rid of it! I am longing to get rid of any emotion not letting me be a harmonic person and that splitting me in various parts. The worth thing if it is each part tries to dictate its own rules and way of living! And all these voices I hear at one time! Can't stand this also! I chose silence, please! First I wanna be united! Secondly I wanna abandon and skip all the persons out if my life preventing me from having my harmony! Especially those telling me I love you and hurting me most of all! Fuck them up! Happily they are fucking with each other already! Sounds great? Me too! I like it! Guess the one thing I am not able to forgive is betrayal! It's eating me up! Killing me and stealing my smiles! Damn it! I was mostly scared of it! I got it now in a full amount! And I am learning to deal with it! So far I am not able to fix it! I have to smile and be nice 5 days a week and keep my heart shut up from any intrusions! Wish I could do it earlier! Much more earlier! I mean to protect myself from this shit in which I am deeply now! I am on the fork of the road and am to chose either to keep lying myself or leave all my past life behind because we can' t work out together!
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