Regional conga line leaders raise your hands!
WHO: Lex Luthor, Mr. Nobody
WHERE: An auditorium in the Midwest, in the DC universe
WHEN: Saturday, April the Eighth.
WHAT: The First Presidential Debate for the United States election, between Charles Winkermeyer (Democrat), Lex Luthor (Republican), and Mr. Nobody (Dada).
WATCH FOR: Lex Luthor inching that much closer to a nervous breakdown. Also, impromptu conga.
============================== News Broadcasts ===============================
Message: 10/11 Posted Author
Luthor Wins Republican Primary Sat Apr 08 The Associated Press
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Daily Planet
San Francisco - In a result that surprised no one, business mogul Lex Luthor won the Republican Primary and accepted the nomination for the party's candidacy. Numerous key senators and party faithful expressed their support for Luthor; Robert Kelly, Chairman of the Interplanar Relations Special Committee of the Republican Party, remarked in his nomination speech, "Lex Luthor is a candidate for the people and a candidate for America. He has shown himself to be a leader - both in his GOP and in all GOPs. His attention to security promises to make both his plane and all planes a safer, better place."
Reportedly, Luthor is planning to begin non-stop campaigning even as rumors of criminal efforts to destroy him are sounding. He remarked in his acceptance speech, "No threat, whether from our plane or another, will stop the course of American democracy." The leading Democratic candidate, Charles T. Wickermeyer, has yet to comment on his opponent for the race. The fact he and the third party candidate, Mr. Nobody, each enjoy 10 point leads on Wickermeyer has also received considerable media attention.
==============================================================================
The first Presidential debate of the campaign has been set. At the backdrop of a large, university ampitheatre in the Midwest, the news crews have gathered and the audience is filled with both locals from the nearby working towns and the student body. It makes an impressive display, as the three candidates wait at their podiums.
On the left, a rather nondescript man stands. He has a smart, grey suit on, with brown hair that is now peppered with grey. He is of average height, a little lean, and has brown eyes - and a boring smile, which suggests that he has done this before and may not really care.
On the right, Lex Luthor proves a far more imposing figure. The mogul, recently having captured the Republican nomination, has his usual blue business suit on. A good look at it and a trained eye will recognize it to be a finer quality than the other candidate's; he, however, has a lapel pin of an American flag attached to his collar. Sure enough, as planned, one of the media remarks that it was given to him by a soldier injured in the line of duty for the IPA. His smile is confident and (seemingly) genuine.
Indeed, this would be Luthor's race except for one pesky problem. The host, Jim Brown, a distinguished news anchor, is staring at this problem: the man standing at the center podium.
Or, perhaps, the lack of a man standing at the center podium.
That is the problem, isn't it?
Mister Nobody has never terribly believed in a dress code. The willful rejection of a dress code, now that he can get behind. He has, evidently, chosen to do Lex's lapel pin one better: he wears a large American flag draped over his back as a cape, and his trademark black gloves. The rest is simply humanoid nothingness, hovering formlessly in the air. A few members of the Brotherhood of Dada stand around near him as well, if only because they refused any rules that the stage can only bear the candidates and the anchors. Ah well, at least they're not raising hell.
Mister Nobody raises an antique cigarette holder to take a drag on a cigarette, exhales into the air, and then gives a manic grin over towards both of the other candidates present. "Let the best marmoset win, eh?"
Lex looks at Mr. Nobody, only faltering in his smile for a moment. It comes back in an instant, as he nods graciously to his opponent. After all, if he treats this like a matter of dignity, it can be one; or so he hopes. "Indeed, I would agree with that sentiment. Let's inform the people to the best of our abilities."
"Yeah," Winkermeyer, the Democratic candidate says, with a sigh. "Let's."
Brown, the host, turns to the camera and nods. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to welcome you to the first Presidential debate of the 2006 election," the man says. He brushes his suit off once, then looks up. "This is expected to be an important issue, as it stands on the ten year anniversary of our plane joining the rest of the multiverse. As such, one of these three men will lead our nation onward in this new era."
He looks at the candidates and nods. "Let's begin. We will start by allowing each candidate to introduce themselves. We will first allow the independent candidate, Mr. Nobody, to do so."
Mister Nobody smiles, drops the cigarette butt and stomps it out with one foot on the floor of the auditorium, and steps forward to the podium. He clears his throat.
"My fellow Americans, I'm crazy as hell and I'm not gonna take it any more! I hear your trombones in my head /and that's no lie/.
"I know what you fine people have been through. Nine-to-five jobs and Sunday bruncheons, then the Parasite or Captain Cold busts your favorite delicatessen up in a battle with Captain Atom and you have to go to the place across town for a few months while they rebuild. W-240k forms and little checklists on your computer that don't contain an accurate answer for you to pick. Doctors that want you to take Monoxadrylophin for your ankle! Well, I say enough's enough!
"I'm Mister Nobody, and my Brotherhood of Dada and I want to take America forward into the thirty-eighth century. We live in an age of wonders. Supermen fly in the skies above us! Heroines transform into electricity and travel through the power lines! This is an age of /imagination/. Electricity crackles through the air; excitement raises our blood to a boil. Explode, America! Explode forth into the miracles you bear. I don't want to lead you. I want to /free/ you. I want to show America what's always been lurking down there in the depths of the American spirit, the liberty and ingenuity! No more taxes! No more red tape! I promise you rainbows and unicorns. I promise you the universe. The universe is yours, America. I want to show you how to claim it."
"Oh my sweet Christ," Winkermeyer mutters under his breath. Unfortunately for him, the microphone broadcasts it out.
The host shoots him a glower, but doesn't say anything about it. Instead, he nods. "Thank you, Mr. Nobody. Now, Mr. Winkermeyer, if you will."
"Uh--" The candidate nods, a little alarmedly, before saying with a slight stutter, "Y-yes. As you all know, America has made significant steps into the creation of a stronger welfare state since the Clinton years. The current platform suggested by...one of my opposition," Winkermeyer's eyes turn to Luthor, as he speaks, "has proposed whittling this down for economic programs to help the rich. My candidacy is about giving the people what they want." Then, he looks at Nobody. The man sighs. "Something sound."
Lex Luthor smiles, once, as the host looks to him. "And you, Mr. Luthor?"
"Thank you, Jim," the mogul says. He motions at the audience with a hand. "As you know, America enters a dangerous time in this new era. The advent of the Gates has left us vulnerable to countless threats - and Democratic spending has left our economy weaker than it could be even /after/ the influx of trade. My platform is based upon building a stronger, richer America. I offer you nothing but sound experience: something real, something tangible, and something better. My past may be checkered..." Luthor smiles. "But I hope that along with my country, my future may be bright."
Brown nods. "Thank you, all of you. Now, then. Our first question is one I would like all of you to address. Unemployment is a growing problem in America. How will you contend with it? Mr. Winkermeyer, you first."
"Thank you," the Democratic candidate replies. "Well, as you know, unemployment hurts the people." This draws a bit of a dull look, especially as he pauses on this statement. "To combat it, I plan to--well, uh--I plan to have Congress make exciting legislation to address the problem by providing subsidies to unemployed families and... help them find jobs."
Brown nods. "Mr. Nobody?"
"I think America is too used to aiming too /low/. I mean, unemployment? Unemployment is a problem for two reasons: people are bored and want to do something constructive, or people are poor and need to feed their families. Why are people poor? Because they don't have enough money.
"My platform is simple: we will annihilate the Treasury and abolish the use of currency."
Mister Nobody snaps his fingers, and the Brotherhood members on the stage draw out sacks with big dollar signs on them, and begin to throw dollar bills into the air. "My dear friends here are throwing out three items of a kind. One, United States promissory notes: little scraps of paper with fancy security doodads which denote a promise of the United States government to honor an exchange with monetary value. Of course, the paper itself isn't even as useful as a sheet of drawing paper, for it's not terribly hardy or convenient to write on - besides, defacing a United States dollar bill is /illegal/. Silly laws. And the promise itself is hardly worth more - at this point, the United States has more /debt/ than it has /wealth/. How do you explain that? It's one giant corrupt I.O.U. system. The second item in the rain is identical in appearance - little pieces of paper with fancy security doodads. Counterfeit United States promissory notes, obtained by some neat arrangements with some United States government officials," - payoffs in backrooms, no doubt, in order to sign the necessary papers to get them legally into the Dada Party's hands - "these little scraps of paper differ only in that their serial numbers were produced by mint presses declared missing or stolen. They are worth even less than the promises they claim to denote. Finally, the third item in the rain is Monopoly money. You can use it to play Monopoly.
"Where I'm /going/ with all this, is that money is a shackle we have long outgrown. Money breeds wealth, wealth breeds poverty. Commerce and exchange can continue to carry on with our friends overseas in the stock market and on a barter basis. Domestically... I bring you /this/."
Mister Nobody gestures to his Brothers again, and this time they draw out an item under an American flag tarp, which he flings off dramatically to unveil a strange mechanical-looking thing. He presses a button, and it clicks and beeps a moment before producing another dollar bill, which he picks up and snaps crispily.
"Looky here! Another worthless piece of paper. But this machine can do much more than that. /This/ is just one of the many miracles of pseudoscience the Age of Superheroics has given us. This is a matter replicator. A single little box negates the Law of Conservation of Matter before your eyes! Infinite resources, infinite food, infinite variety. No more poverty. No more medicinal lack. No more /want/. Everyone will be provided for, and more of these babies can be produced - by themselves, if necessary! Of course, the conversion to a replicator-based economy will be a /shock/, and destroy the necessity of countless professions. But you know what? Those people will have replicators too, and if they want to keep on keepin' on, more power to them. I believe dramatic change is called for once in awhile, just to shake things up.
"Only one example of what I bring to the table, mind you. /This/ is imagination. /This/ is Dada America. Take the replicator back out back, boys."
Lex's eyes widen at this display. The mogul swallows hard, trying to resist his first urge - to shout and call the man a fool, perhaps. Instead, he closes his eyes, and counts to ten in his mind. He has to get a good response to this, some way of showing this convincing madness to still be utter madness. Fortunately for him, his other opponent decides to take the plunge.
"Are you /insane/?" Winkermeyer asks with a groan. "A matter replicator won't do a damned thing about unemployment! Get rid of money? What good will that do? Is that even real? Are /you/ even--"
"Mr. Winkermeyer, I would like to ask you to please--"
The Democrat cuts the host off with an exaserated sigh. "Quiet, Jim! This is a joke!" He looks back at Nobody, and glares. "Are you even real?"
Mister Nobody smiles casually, turning to reply to Winkermeyer, "Respectively, yes, I am insane, and no, I am not real. Next question, or shall we move on?"
"This--this isn't a debate!" Winkermeyer shouts. He kicks over his podium with a snap kick, knocking the thing to the floor. It scrapes along it, the microphone on it whining with feedback and papers spilling to the ground. The Democrat's voice can be heard echoing over the ampitheatre regardless, as he begins shouting. "To hell with this! Call me back when this... this /maniac/ isn't making a mockery out of democracy!"
The man then storms off stage, leaving the host stunned. Brown swallows, watching as the press rush after Winkermeyer. The man then turns, and looks to Luthor. "Mr. Luthor, your response?"
Lex blinks blankly in the direction of his fleeing opponent. He has a stunned look on his face, but he slowly brings it into another smile. His thought on the matter is rather plain: 'Christmas came in April this year.'
"Yes, of course, Jim. I believe the flaw in my esteemed opponent's logic is obvious," Lex ventures. "Such a device will destabilize the economy, as he said. However, he admitted to this, so let me focus on the morality of his argument. The demands of society exist to shape society into better people. Ladies and gentlemen, what my opponent proposes is universal laziness at the expense of our own characters. America should stand for better."
He clears his throat. "As such, I will address unemployment by proposing legislation that rewards those who seek to improve their own situation - not through welfare, and not through, uh--" This part is nearly impossible to not stumble over. "--matter replicators."
"Mr. Nobody, a final response."
"Geesh, who pissed in /his/ cornflakes this morning?" Nobody quips at the Democratic withdrawal from the debate.
"Oh, that's not an /answer/. 'Legislation that rewards those who seek to improve their own situation,' that's all been done before. Besides, my esteemed opponent Mister Clean fails to grasp the extent of my plan. Hundreds of thousands of replicators, one for every household! Replicators for the homeless, replicators for illegal immigrants! My plan is not to destabilize the economy but to unearth it from the ground up and /replace/ it. No more economy, Martha! We're starting /over/. Everything for everybody! Wahoo!" Mister Nobody ends his response with a cheerful shout, throwing his arms into the air.
The Love Glove begins to pull Winkermeyer's podium back upright, but Mister Nobody raises a finger to his chin. "No, leave it like that, Bobby. I like it that way. The ancient Japanese believed, you know, that perfect order is itself repugnant. Imperfect is better."
"I am /not/ Mister Clean--" Lex begins to protest.
Brown cuts him off quickly, perhaps to keep the debate together and not have to refund the university all of the money they spent to make this possible. "At any rate, allow me to get to the next question. As you well know, Mr. Luthor's campaign has focused a great deal upon planar security. Some have raised questions about our commitment to the IPL and the IPA. Mr. Nobody, what are your thoughts on this issue and how will relations with these organizations be affected if you take the Presidency?"
"Oh, sure, security. Everybody likes security, everybody likes safety. I, for one, think we can do a hell of a lot better than the silly stormtroopers or ballooned military budget my respected baldy-headed opponent would come up with," Mister Nobody replies, gesturing over Luthor's way.
"I've spoken on this subject across the campaign trail. All things are unlocked to us; all things are possible. It's only a matter of /imagination/. First, I plan to bring our fighting boys home; war is a filthy business, and I have no care to spill a few thousand American lives in the name of some crusade that can be accomplished much cleaner. Besides, do you really want your hard-earned soon-to-be-abolished funds going to support building giant cannons? Second, our scientists and researchers will be put nonstop on neoscientific and paranormal studies to enhance our national defense and prepare us for any extraplanar or, for that manner, intraplanar engagement. My team and I have been cooperating to develop a plan for a lovetronic hypersonar positronity web, a Strategic Harmony Initiative or 'Star Love' program, to disable hostilities all over the continental United States, with separate smaller-scale systems deployed over American protectorates and the noncontinental states. These devices will operate via technoshamanistic manipulation of the leylines to align the stars within the human heart to favorable configurations, shutting down and dampening negativity vibes and ending any attack before it can begin. I also have some very interesting ideas involving reality bombs and thought-soldiers to engage any potential enemy before harm can come to the material plane. And, of course, I intend to continue favorable relations with the IPA and the JLA, the latter of whom have proven well and again their ability to solve worldly problems in exciting and literally explosive fashion that sells very nicely on home video or DVD. Or, of course, you could always go for my opponent's lucrative contracts for LexCorp and continuation of the status quo. Your choice, man."
Brown tries his best to not stare. It only half works. He clears his throat, looking towards the Republican candidate. Even Luthor is fidgetting a little nervously under Nobody's downright bizarre statements - mixed with a few subtle incriminating phrases, which Lex is certain are intentional. "Mr. Luthor, your turn."
Lex nods, while smiling. Does Nobody want to play hardball? Lex will give it. "I'm afraid my opponent has it correct: I plan to maintain the status quo, which does mean maintaining defense contracts - both with LexCorp, which I have resigned from, and other top defense contractors. Our security cannot ride on unsafe bets, on the hopes of developing new technology, or manipulating leylines."
He adjusts his tie. "Instead, we have to invest in the future in a steady fashion. I plan to maintain our ties to the IPA and JLA, of course, as both have helped us - but I also want to make certain we are self-reliant. It doesn't serve us to simply rely on others, entirely, for our defense. No one has our best interests fully at heart but ourselves."
Brown nods. "Mr. Nobody, a final rebuttal?"
"Oh, no, I think that about covers it," Mister Nobody replies with a smile, clasping his hands on the podium.
"Very well, then. Next question," Brown says. He flips through a card likely meant for Winkermeyer, and comes to the next. "This one is for Mr. Luthor. You have often stated that you feel the IPL's trade policies to support interventionist sentiments and be damaging to economic prosperity. If you become President, will you seek to break from the IPL's trade policies in certain areas?"
"A very good question," Lex says. A very good question he doesn't intend to really answer. "I think the operative thing to consider is whether the standards set by the IPL really do what they are meant to. I will push to insure the prosperity of /all/ planes - and craft and respond to resolutions in such a fashion. While we must think of ourselves, we cannot forget our neighbors."
Brown nods. "Mr. Nobody?"
"Oh, you know me, I don't really care for rules," Mister Nobody replies, idly toying with a Yo-Yo Ball. "Tear all those silly trade restrictions down! Total free trade. No regulations! We'll deal."
Lex's right eye twitches unhealthily. "I... agree, at least in part," the bald man says. "Free trade would be the best path to pursue," the man ventures, stammering a little. This is stealing his thunder, he faintly realizes; all because his opponent happens to be an anarchic clown. "However, some rules and regulations may be necessary to insure the fairness of deals. I imagine even my opponent would agree that fairness is--"
"We'll let your opponent determine that for himself," Brown interrupts. "Mr. Nobody, what about fairness of free trade? How would your... proposal insure that?"
Mister Nobody, looking more interested in the yo-yo than in the question, replies, "Good question, ain' it, hm? Simple answer. I'd like to send a shout-out to all my small government proponents in the house. Cut the red tape and let the Invisible Hand sort it all out, hm? We'll develop policies to keep unsafe practices from affecting our proud country. Spirit dogs sniffing out intent to harm, nuclear-missile-seeking seances, a grid of psychic detectives searching for contraband - not that a Nobody administration would have a terribly large contraband list, you understand. We're for legalization. And you know what all that system means? That's /making jobs/. That's national enrichment in action! As for our trading partners? Well, if they don't think the deals that develop are fair, they're free to form their own policies, aren't they?"
Lex cuts in before Brown even has a chance. He looks frazzled, now; he reaches for the glass of water on his podium, and takes a long sip of it. "And just how," he asks, putting it back down, "will that lead to a unified trade policy and international understanding of norms? Do you actually think about the ramifications of your policies, or just propose them because they sound absurd?"
Mr. Nobody says, "Meh."
"Is that all you have to say?!" Lex goes on, this time shouting. His face reddens. "You have to consider what may happen because of your decisions! The Presidency is not a playground, you moron!"
He slams his hand on the podium, which knocks the glass of water to the floor. It splashes on his pantslegs, then shatters apart on the ground. Lex takes a few deep breaths, while Brown stares, wide-eyed. "Um, well, moving onto the next question... ah, here we are, yes. This is from a grassroots supporter, identifying with the Dada Party."
He clears his throat, and begins to read. As he realizes what it is, his voice slows considerably. "Mr. Luthor, do you use Rogaine?"
Lex's initial reaction is a very unhealthy twitch.
"Oh, lighten up, Alexis! You'll never get anywhere with all that pent-up anger. Learn to go it a little easy, right? It's better on the heart."
Mister Nobody picks up a glass of water himself and takes a sip, setting it down and bursting into a brief laugh at the question. "Ha! Now that's the America I know. Hearty, irreverent! The people. So do you?"
Lex's jaw grinds together, his teeth bared as he looks at Nobody with an angry glower. The fool must have put that yokel up to this humiliation, he decides - that could be the only explanation. His fingers clench together into a fist, and for a moment, he seriously considers lunging towards the strange lack of existence and pummeling him until he becomes real. Fortunately for his candidacy, the host steps in.
"Ah, well, I have just received word that we are out of time!" the man says in a harried panic. "Unfortunately, that ends today's debate. Hopefully it has proven enlightening to the voters and will help them make a decision. Analysis on all major news networks to follow oh god just get us off the air Bill."
Mister Nobody, meanwhile, gestures over to his Brotherhood members on the stage. "Well, you know what that means, guys."
With swift movements, they pull out festive fruit hats and beads, and Mister Nobody shouts out to those in the auditorium, "EVERYBODY CONGA! A-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI REE-HAH!"
WHERE: An auditorium in the Midwest, in the DC universe
WHEN: Saturday, April the Eighth.
WHAT: The First Presidential Debate for the United States election, between Charles Winkermeyer (Democrat), Lex Luthor (Republican), and Mr. Nobody (Dada).
WATCH FOR: Lex Luthor inching that much closer to a nervous breakdown. Also, impromptu conga.
============================== News Broadcasts ===============================
Message: 10/11 Posted Author
Luthor Wins Republican Primary Sat Apr 08 The Associated Press
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Daily Planet
San Francisco - In a result that surprised no one, business mogul Lex Luthor won the Republican Primary and accepted the nomination for the party's candidacy. Numerous key senators and party faithful expressed their support for Luthor; Robert Kelly, Chairman of the Interplanar Relations Special Committee of the Republican Party, remarked in his nomination speech, "Lex Luthor is a candidate for the people and a candidate for America. He has shown himself to be a leader - both in his GOP and in all GOPs. His attention to security promises to make both his plane and all planes a safer, better place."
Reportedly, Luthor is planning to begin non-stop campaigning even as rumors of criminal efforts to destroy him are sounding. He remarked in his acceptance speech, "No threat, whether from our plane or another, will stop the course of American democracy." The leading Democratic candidate, Charles T. Wickermeyer, has yet to comment on his opponent for the race. The fact he and the third party candidate, Mr. Nobody, each enjoy 10 point leads on Wickermeyer has also received considerable media attention.
==============================================================================
The first Presidential debate of the campaign has been set. At the backdrop of a large, university ampitheatre in the Midwest, the news crews have gathered and the audience is filled with both locals from the nearby working towns and the student body. It makes an impressive display, as the three candidates wait at their podiums.
On the left, a rather nondescript man stands. He has a smart, grey suit on, with brown hair that is now peppered with grey. He is of average height, a little lean, and has brown eyes - and a boring smile, which suggests that he has done this before and may not really care.
On the right, Lex Luthor proves a far more imposing figure. The mogul, recently having captured the Republican nomination, has his usual blue business suit on. A good look at it and a trained eye will recognize it to be a finer quality than the other candidate's; he, however, has a lapel pin of an American flag attached to his collar. Sure enough, as planned, one of the media remarks that it was given to him by a soldier injured in the line of duty for the IPA. His smile is confident and (seemingly) genuine.
Indeed, this would be Luthor's race except for one pesky problem. The host, Jim Brown, a distinguished news anchor, is staring at this problem: the man standing at the center podium.
Or, perhaps, the lack of a man standing at the center podium.
That is the problem, isn't it?
Mister Nobody has never terribly believed in a dress code. The willful rejection of a dress code, now that he can get behind. He has, evidently, chosen to do Lex's lapel pin one better: he wears a large American flag draped over his back as a cape, and his trademark black gloves. The rest is simply humanoid nothingness, hovering formlessly in the air. A few members of the Brotherhood of Dada stand around near him as well, if only because they refused any rules that the stage can only bear the candidates and the anchors. Ah well, at least they're not raising hell.
Mister Nobody raises an antique cigarette holder to take a drag on a cigarette, exhales into the air, and then gives a manic grin over towards both of the other candidates present. "Let the best marmoset win, eh?"
Lex looks at Mr. Nobody, only faltering in his smile for a moment. It comes back in an instant, as he nods graciously to his opponent. After all, if he treats this like a matter of dignity, it can be one; or so he hopes. "Indeed, I would agree with that sentiment. Let's inform the people to the best of our abilities."
"Yeah," Winkermeyer, the Democratic candidate says, with a sigh. "Let's."
Brown, the host, turns to the camera and nods. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to welcome you to the first Presidential debate of the 2006 election," the man says. He brushes his suit off once, then looks up. "This is expected to be an important issue, as it stands on the ten year anniversary of our plane joining the rest of the multiverse. As such, one of these three men will lead our nation onward in this new era."
He looks at the candidates and nods. "Let's begin. We will start by allowing each candidate to introduce themselves. We will first allow the independent candidate, Mr. Nobody, to do so."
Mister Nobody smiles, drops the cigarette butt and stomps it out with one foot on the floor of the auditorium, and steps forward to the podium. He clears his throat.
"My fellow Americans, I'm crazy as hell and I'm not gonna take it any more! I hear your trombones in my head /and that's no lie/.
"I know what you fine people have been through. Nine-to-five jobs and Sunday bruncheons, then the Parasite or Captain Cold busts your favorite delicatessen up in a battle with Captain Atom and you have to go to the place across town for a few months while they rebuild. W-240k forms and little checklists on your computer that don't contain an accurate answer for you to pick. Doctors that want you to take Monoxadrylophin for your ankle! Well, I say enough's enough!
"I'm Mister Nobody, and my Brotherhood of Dada and I want to take America forward into the thirty-eighth century. We live in an age of wonders. Supermen fly in the skies above us! Heroines transform into electricity and travel through the power lines! This is an age of /imagination/. Electricity crackles through the air; excitement raises our blood to a boil. Explode, America! Explode forth into the miracles you bear. I don't want to lead you. I want to /free/ you. I want to show America what's always been lurking down there in the depths of the American spirit, the liberty and ingenuity! No more taxes! No more red tape! I promise you rainbows and unicorns. I promise you the universe. The universe is yours, America. I want to show you how to claim it."
"Oh my sweet Christ," Winkermeyer mutters under his breath. Unfortunately for him, the microphone broadcasts it out.
The host shoots him a glower, but doesn't say anything about it. Instead, he nods. "Thank you, Mr. Nobody. Now, Mr. Winkermeyer, if you will."
"Uh--" The candidate nods, a little alarmedly, before saying with a slight stutter, "Y-yes. As you all know, America has made significant steps into the creation of a stronger welfare state since the Clinton years. The current platform suggested by...one of my opposition," Winkermeyer's eyes turn to Luthor, as he speaks, "has proposed whittling this down for economic programs to help the rich. My candidacy is about giving the people what they want." Then, he looks at Nobody. The man sighs. "Something sound."
Lex Luthor smiles, once, as the host looks to him. "And you, Mr. Luthor?"
"Thank you, Jim," the mogul says. He motions at the audience with a hand. "As you know, America enters a dangerous time in this new era. The advent of the Gates has left us vulnerable to countless threats - and Democratic spending has left our economy weaker than it could be even /after/ the influx of trade. My platform is based upon building a stronger, richer America. I offer you nothing but sound experience: something real, something tangible, and something better. My past may be checkered..." Luthor smiles. "But I hope that along with my country, my future may be bright."
Brown nods. "Thank you, all of you. Now, then. Our first question is one I would like all of you to address. Unemployment is a growing problem in America. How will you contend with it? Mr. Winkermeyer, you first."
"Thank you," the Democratic candidate replies. "Well, as you know, unemployment hurts the people." This draws a bit of a dull look, especially as he pauses on this statement. "To combat it, I plan to--well, uh--I plan to have Congress make exciting legislation to address the problem by providing subsidies to unemployed families and... help them find jobs."
Brown nods. "Mr. Nobody?"
"I think America is too used to aiming too /low/. I mean, unemployment? Unemployment is a problem for two reasons: people are bored and want to do something constructive, or people are poor and need to feed their families. Why are people poor? Because they don't have enough money.
"My platform is simple: we will annihilate the Treasury and abolish the use of currency."
Mister Nobody snaps his fingers, and the Brotherhood members on the stage draw out sacks with big dollar signs on them, and begin to throw dollar bills into the air. "My dear friends here are throwing out three items of a kind. One, United States promissory notes: little scraps of paper with fancy security doodads which denote a promise of the United States government to honor an exchange with monetary value. Of course, the paper itself isn't even as useful as a sheet of drawing paper, for it's not terribly hardy or convenient to write on - besides, defacing a United States dollar bill is /illegal/. Silly laws. And the promise itself is hardly worth more - at this point, the United States has more /debt/ than it has /wealth/. How do you explain that? It's one giant corrupt I.O.U. system. The second item in the rain is identical in appearance - little pieces of paper with fancy security doodads. Counterfeit United States promissory notes, obtained by some neat arrangements with some United States government officials," - payoffs in backrooms, no doubt, in order to sign the necessary papers to get them legally into the Dada Party's hands - "these little scraps of paper differ only in that their serial numbers were produced by mint presses declared missing or stolen. They are worth even less than the promises they claim to denote. Finally, the third item in the rain is Monopoly money. You can use it to play Monopoly.
"Where I'm /going/ with all this, is that money is a shackle we have long outgrown. Money breeds wealth, wealth breeds poverty. Commerce and exchange can continue to carry on with our friends overseas in the stock market and on a barter basis. Domestically... I bring you /this/."
Mister Nobody gestures to his Brothers again, and this time they draw out an item under an American flag tarp, which he flings off dramatically to unveil a strange mechanical-looking thing. He presses a button, and it clicks and beeps a moment before producing another dollar bill, which he picks up and snaps crispily.
"Looky here! Another worthless piece of paper. But this machine can do much more than that. /This/ is just one of the many miracles of pseudoscience the Age of Superheroics has given us. This is a matter replicator. A single little box negates the Law of Conservation of Matter before your eyes! Infinite resources, infinite food, infinite variety. No more poverty. No more medicinal lack. No more /want/. Everyone will be provided for, and more of these babies can be produced - by themselves, if necessary! Of course, the conversion to a replicator-based economy will be a /shock/, and destroy the necessity of countless professions. But you know what? Those people will have replicators too, and if they want to keep on keepin' on, more power to them. I believe dramatic change is called for once in awhile, just to shake things up.
"Only one example of what I bring to the table, mind you. /This/ is imagination. /This/ is Dada America. Take the replicator back out back, boys."
Lex's eyes widen at this display. The mogul swallows hard, trying to resist his first urge - to shout and call the man a fool, perhaps. Instead, he closes his eyes, and counts to ten in his mind. He has to get a good response to this, some way of showing this convincing madness to still be utter madness. Fortunately for him, his other opponent decides to take the plunge.
"Are you /insane/?" Winkermeyer asks with a groan. "A matter replicator won't do a damned thing about unemployment! Get rid of money? What good will that do? Is that even real? Are /you/ even--"
"Mr. Winkermeyer, I would like to ask you to please--"
The Democrat cuts the host off with an exaserated sigh. "Quiet, Jim! This is a joke!" He looks back at Nobody, and glares. "Are you even real?"
Mister Nobody smiles casually, turning to reply to Winkermeyer, "Respectively, yes, I am insane, and no, I am not real. Next question, or shall we move on?"
"This--this isn't a debate!" Winkermeyer shouts. He kicks over his podium with a snap kick, knocking the thing to the floor. It scrapes along it, the microphone on it whining with feedback and papers spilling to the ground. The Democrat's voice can be heard echoing over the ampitheatre regardless, as he begins shouting. "To hell with this! Call me back when this... this /maniac/ isn't making a mockery out of democracy!"
The man then storms off stage, leaving the host stunned. Brown swallows, watching as the press rush after Winkermeyer. The man then turns, and looks to Luthor. "Mr. Luthor, your response?"
Lex blinks blankly in the direction of his fleeing opponent. He has a stunned look on his face, but he slowly brings it into another smile. His thought on the matter is rather plain: 'Christmas came in April this year.'
"Yes, of course, Jim. I believe the flaw in my esteemed opponent's logic is obvious," Lex ventures. "Such a device will destabilize the economy, as he said. However, he admitted to this, so let me focus on the morality of his argument. The demands of society exist to shape society into better people. Ladies and gentlemen, what my opponent proposes is universal laziness at the expense of our own characters. America should stand for better."
He clears his throat. "As such, I will address unemployment by proposing legislation that rewards those who seek to improve their own situation - not through welfare, and not through, uh--" This part is nearly impossible to not stumble over. "--matter replicators."
"Mr. Nobody, a final response."
"Geesh, who pissed in /his/ cornflakes this morning?" Nobody quips at the Democratic withdrawal from the debate.
"Oh, that's not an /answer/. 'Legislation that rewards those who seek to improve their own situation,' that's all been done before. Besides, my esteemed opponent Mister Clean fails to grasp the extent of my plan. Hundreds of thousands of replicators, one for every household! Replicators for the homeless, replicators for illegal immigrants! My plan is not to destabilize the economy but to unearth it from the ground up and /replace/ it. No more economy, Martha! We're starting /over/. Everything for everybody! Wahoo!" Mister Nobody ends his response with a cheerful shout, throwing his arms into the air.
The Love Glove begins to pull Winkermeyer's podium back upright, but Mister Nobody raises a finger to his chin. "No, leave it like that, Bobby. I like it that way. The ancient Japanese believed, you know, that perfect order is itself repugnant. Imperfect is better."
"I am /not/ Mister Clean--" Lex begins to protest.
Brown cuts him off quickly, perhaps to keep the debate together and not have to refund the university all of the money they spent to make this possible. "At any rate, allow me to get to the next question. As you well know, Mr. Luthor's campaign has focused a great deal upon planar security. Some have raised questions about our commitment to the IPL and the IPA. Mr. Nobody, what are your thoughts on this issue and how will relations with these organizations be affected if you take the Presidency?"
"Oh, sure, security. Everybody likes security, everybody likes safety. I, for one, think we can do a hell of a lot better than the silly stormtroopers or ballooned military budget my respected baldy-headed opponent would come up with," Mister Nobody replies, gesturing over Luthor's way.
"I've spoken on this subject across the campaign trail. All things are unlocked to us; all things are possible. It's only a matter of /imagination/. First, I plan to bring our fighting boys home; war is a filthy business, and I have no care to spill a few thousand American lives in the name of some crusade that can be accomplished much cleaner. Besides, do you really want your hard-earned soon-to-be-abolished funds going to support building giant cannons? Second, our scientists and researchers will be put nonstop on neoscientific and paranormal studies to enhance our national defense and prepare us for any extraplanar or, for that manner, intraplanar engagement. My team and I have been cooperating to develop a plan for a lovetronic hypersonar positronity web, a Strategic Harmony Initiative or 'Star Love' program, to disable hostilities all over the continental United States, with separate smaller-scale systems deployed over American protectorates and the noncontinental states. These devices will operate via technoshamanistic manipulation of the leylines to align the stars within the human heart to favorable configurations, shutting down and dampening negativity vibes and ending any attack before it can begin. I also have some very interesting ideas involving reality bombs and thought-soldiers to engage any potential enemy before harm can come to the material plane. And, of course, I intend to continue favorable relations with the IPA and the JLA, the latter of whom have proven well and again their ability to solve worldly problems in exciting and literally explosive fashion that sells very nicely on home video or DVD. Or, of course, you could always go for my opponent's lucrative contracts for LexCorp and continuation of the status quo. Your choice, man."
Brown tries his best to not stare. It only half works. He clears his throat, looking towards the Republican candidate. Even Luthor is fidgetting a little nervously under Nobody's downright bizarre statements - mixed with a few subtle incriminating phrases, which Lex is certain are intentional. "Mr. Luthor, your turn."
Lex nods, while smiling. Does Nobody want to play hardball? Lex will give it. "I'm afraid my opponent has it correct: I plan to maintain the status quo, which does mean maintaining defense contracts - both with LexCorp, which I have resigned from, and other top defense contractors. Our security cannot ride on unsafe bets, on the hopes of developing new technology, or manipulating leylines."
He adjusts his tie. "Instead, we have to invest in the future in a steady fashion. I plan to maintain our ties to the IPA and JLA, of course, as both have helped us - but I also want to make certain we are self-reliant. It doesn't serve us to simply rely on others, entirely, for our defense. No one has our best interests fully at heart but ourselves."
Brown nods. "Mr. Nobody, a final rebuttal?"
"Oh, no, I think that about covers it," Mister Nobody replies with a smile, clasping his hands on the podium.
"Very well, then. Next question," Brown says. He flips through a card likely meant for Winkermeyer, and comes to the next. "This one is for Mr. Luthor. You have often stated that you feel the IPL's trade policies to support interventionist sentiments and be damaging to economic prosperity. If you become President, will you seek to break from the IPL's trade policies in certain areas?"
"A very good question," Lex says. A very good question he doesn't intend to really answer. "I think the operative thing to consider is whether the standards set by the IPL really do what they are meant to. I will push to insure the prosperity of /all/ planes - and craft and respond to resolutions in such a fashion. While we must think of ourselves, we cannot forget our neighbors."
Brown nods. "Mr. Nobody?"
"Oh, you know me, I don't really care for rules," Mister Nobody replies, idly toying with a Yo-Yo Ball. "Tear all those silly trade restrictions down! Total free trade. No regulations! We'll deal."
Lex's right eye twitches unhealthily. "I... agree, at least in part," the bald man says. "Free trade would be the best path to pursue," the man ventures, stammering a little. This is stealing his thunder, he faintly realizes; all because his opponent happens to be an anarchic clown. "However, some rules and regulations may be necessary to insure the fairness of deals. I imagine even my opponent would agree that fairness is--"
"We'll let your opponent determine that for himself," Brown interrupts. "Mr. Nobody, what about fairness of free trade? How would your... proposal insure that?"
Mister Nobody, looking more interested in the yo-yo than in the question, replies, "Good question, ain' it, hm? Simple answer. I'd like to send a shout-out to all my small government proponents in the house. Cut the red tape and let the Invisible Hand sort it all out, hm? We'll develop policies to keep unsafe practices from affecting our proud country. Spirit dogs sniffing out intent to harm, nuclear-missile-seeking seances, a grid of psychic detectives searching for contraband - not that a Nobody administration would have a terribly large contraband list, you understand. We're for legalization. And you know what all that system means? That's /making jobs/. That's national enrichment in action! As for our trading partners? Well, if they don't think the deals that develop are fair, they're free to form their own policies, aren't they?"
Lex cuts in before Brown even has a chance. He looks frazzled, now; he reaches for the glass of water on his podium, and takes a long sip of it. "And just how," he asks, putting it back down, "will that lead to a unified trade policy and international understanding of norms? Do you actually think about the ramifications of your policies, or just propose them because they sound absurd?"
Mr. Nobody says, "Meh."
"Is that all you have to say?!" Lex goes on, this time shouting. His face reddens. "You have to consider what may happen because of your decisions! The Presidency is not a playground, you moron!"
He slams his hand on the podium, which knocks the glass of water to the floor. It splashes on his pantslegs, then shatters apart on the ground. Lex takes a few deep breaths, while Brown stares, wide-eyed. "Um, well, moving onto the next question... ah, here we are, yes. This is from a grassroots supporter, identifying with the Dada Party."
He clears his throat, and begins to read. As he realizes what it is, his voice slows considerably. "Mr. Luthor, do you use Rogaine?"
Lex's initial reaction is a very unhealthy twitch.
"Oh, lighten up, Alexis! You'll never get anywhere with all that pent-up anger. Learn to go it a little easy, right? It's better on the heart."
Mister Nobody picks up a glass of water himself and takes a sip, setting it down and bursting into a brief laugh at the question. "Ha! Now that's the America I know. Hearty, irreverent! The people. So do you?"
Lex's jaw grinds together, his teeth bared as he looks at Nobody with an angry glower. The fool must have put that yokel up to this humiliation, he decides - that could be the only explanation. His fingers clench together into a fist, and for a moment, he seriously considers lunging towards the strange lack of existence and pummeling him until he becomes real. Fortunately for his candidacy, the host steps in.
"Ah, well, I have just received word that we are out of time!" the man says in a harried panic. "Unfortunately, that ends today's debate. Hopefully it has proven enlightening to the voters and will help them make a decision. Analysis on all major news networks to follow oh god just get us off the air Bill."
Mister Nobody, meanwhile, gestures over to his Brotherhood members on the stage. "Well, you know what that means, guys."
With swift movements, they pull out festive fruit hats and beads, and Mister Nobody shouts out to those in the auditorium, "EVERYBODY CONGA! A-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI REE-HAH!"