Under the Skin 54/67
Under the Skin 54/67
After Rodney had left Sheppard standing in the hallway, he hadn't known where to go, what to do. He was still restless, but also exhausted. All the waking he'd done had certainly taken its toll on the reserves of energy he'd had.
He'd grabbed a little dinner and then collapsed into bed, sliding into a restless slumber, waking several times during the night. Once morning dawned, he'd given up pretending and had pulled himself out of bed, showering and getting himself ready for the day.
He ate breakfast in the very quiet and nearly empty mess hall, collecting several PowerBars and a bottle of water that he took with him when he left, his body headed directly for the East Pier and the labs there.
What was it about that specific wing, that area, that drew him? He wasn't sure, but if this was the only way to exorcise the demons-or fragments of memory-so be it.
He wandered for hours, munching on a PowerBar when hunger hit, poking at dead or half-dead consoles, running his fingers over the tops, remembering what they were designed to do, what systems they controlled.
It was so strange to be able to get impressions of devices he'd never seen before and know exactly what they were for and what they did. It shouldn't be like that.
By mid-afternoon he was tired and found himself in Durand's lab, or at least the lab he used when he'd been on Atlantis. Finding a semi-clean spot, he lowered himself to the floor, resting his back against the hard surface, his knees pulled up to his chest.
He hated this feeling, hated this warped sense of déjà vu. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back, his mind still sorting through all the memories and images and impressions that were floating aimlessly in his head.
"If I wake up dead tomorrow, I'm coming back to haunt your sorry arse until the end of time." Carson dropped down next to him on the floor.
Rodney started, his entire body shaking in surprise as his head whipped around. He hadn't heard anyone enter, let alone approach him. "What?"
"If you had turned your bloody radio on yesterday, Sheppard wouldn't have felt the need to stick me with a watchdog, whom I had to have a nurse distract so I could slip out of the infirmary. We don't have long before Lorne and Sheppard come to kill me, and possibly you, so let me give you that check-up you missed. I'd like to die knowing you're okay."
"Radio?" Rodney looked at Carson for a minute, trying to make sense of what his friend had told him. It took a minute, but realization finally dawned. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the object in question. "Oh…this."
"Don't turn it on now! It will only let them find us faster." Carson leaned back against the wall. "Ah, Rodney, what are you doing to yourself? I managed to convince the Colonel not to send out search parties last night when he couldn't reach you on the condition that I'd let him know how your check-up went. When you didn't show up, I got worried and knew if I didn't find you first and warn you, he would probably do damage to you for scaring him like this."
"Check-up? What? That's tomorrow."
"That's today, lad."
Rodney felt his eyes widen as he let his head thump back against the wall. "What's going on? Am I losing my mind?"
"No, you're not. You've just been through a lot lately and you're trying to figure it all out. And the Colonel's not helping, I know. But in his defense, he's terrified. When you were sick, there was nothing he could do to help you, he had to rely on others to save you. Now, I think he's over compensating a bit. Bloody bastard thinks setting watchdogs on people is a good way to handle the situation."
"Yeah, he mentioned something about Lorne," Rodney said absently as he fingered the radio in his hand. He'd made a promise to Sheppard and hadn't followed through, even though he'd intended to. That bothered him. "Carson?"
"Aye?"
"I’m not sure I can do this anymore."
Carson looked over at him. "This?"
"This." Rodney waved his free hand, the small gesture encompassing the room and himself. "I feel like I'm losing myself again."
Carson reached over, resting one hand on his arm. "Then let us help you. You don't have to do this, deal with everything, alone. We need you here, Rodney, and none of us are going to give up on you. Don't give up on yourself."
"You don't understand. You can't help. He's still in here," he said, gesturing to his head. "His memories, images, impressions. They're all still there. I can't tell what's mine and what's his. I thought the quiet would help me figure it out, sort things, but it's only gotten worse."
Carson's hand tightened on his arm. "He said you remembered more than you were letting on, but I didn't realize it was that much. But that doesn't mean I can't help. I don't know how yet, but Rodney, we got Durand out, separated you. I know we can find a way to get rid of the last lingering remnants, especially if you're helping. We were at a disadvantage without you before."
"I don't think there's anything left to take out, that's the problem. Nothing's fully formed but it's just enough to feel like it's mine. I honestly don't know how much longer I can stand it." He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the latest memory, the way the scientists buzzed about the labs working on various projects as he helped them sort through the difficult equations and get the project to work.
"Rodney, let's go back up to the infirmary. Let me run some tests, bring Radek in. Right now, your mind has nothing to do but dwell on the memories. Let's get you busy doing something, using your own brain. Maybe that will help, if only for a little while. As a last resort, I'll brave the bloody chair again and ask Durand directly how to erase the impressions."
"No!" Rodney's eyes widened. "Absolutely not."
Carson sighed. "I said as a last resort. Believe me, until we get some sort of sign that it's safe, I really don't want to sit back down in that thing. But if it's the only way to help you, I will."
"Over my dead body."
Carson's lips twitched up. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Now, will you come back up with me, so we can find an alternative?"
He shook his head. "I don't want an audience. Can't…have one. Please, don't make me."
"We'll use one of the isolation rooms, and I'll keep everyone but essential personnel out. Once I get some tests started, we can go up to your lab. If you lock the door, we can do some research and no one will bother us. Will that work?"
"Nonono. Not isolation room. Just…let me work this out myself." He pulled his legs closer to his chest, his arms wrapped around them.
"Rodney.... Let me help. Please. If you don't want to go to the infirmary, fine, but let me help you."
"I don't think you can."
"Let me try. Don't shut me out before we've even started."
"What's to try? I'm losing my mind. Even though you're the best doctor I've had, it's not something you can put back together."
"You aren't losing your mind. You have the remnants of someone else's memories cluttering up you head. They aren't yours, any more than Durand's personality was yours. And, yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe I can put it back together. Somehow."
Rodney pressed his lips together and shook his head as yet another memory surfaced, the scene playing in his head as if he were there, the overlapping dialogue cluttering his mind.
"That's it. I'm not sitting here watching you slowly go insane. I'm going to the one person I know can help." There was the sound of someone standing, then a garbled meep noise. "M-major Lorne... Fancy meeting you here..."
Rodney just cringed and wished he could disappear into the floor.
"You know the Colonel's not exactly a happy camper," Lorne said, the voice close.
"Yes, I figured. But I needed to get to Rodney. He needs help, Major. Where is Sheppard now?"
"He was headed this way. We've been searching for about an hour now. About five minutes after you sent the nurse after me. Thanks, by the way. I have a date for Friday."
There was silence for a moment before Carson spoke again. "Well, glad that worked out for you. Stay with Rodney until Sheppard arrives. I need to go take care of something. And before you ask, it's a medical emergency."
"Doc," Lorne said, his voice protesting even though Rodney heard movement headed away from him.
"I'll be back. Watch Rodney." The footsteps faded away, to be replaced by shuffling for a few minutes, before more footsteps heralded the arrival of someone else. "What the hell is going on here?" Sheppard's voice was tight with anger.
"Sheppard," Rodney managed to whisper, the current lab finally materializing around him as he pulled himself from the latest memory.
"Jesus, Rodney, you look like hell." The Colonel was next to him a moment later, his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Hey, look at me, I'm here. You're safe."
"Find Carson. Don't know what he's planning."
Sheppard looked around, his body stiffening. His gaze rested on Lorne. "Where the hell did he go? I thought you said they were both here?"
"You had to pass him on the way out," Lorne said, his voice rising a little.
"Damn sneaky doctor. He must have heard me and hid behind something." Sheppard rested his head against the wall for a moment. "Between the two of you, when this is all done, I am taking a long vacation. Lorne! Find him. You don't leave his side until I say so. Bring him back, and after that he's confined to his room, the infirmary, and the mess. I don't care if he's a civilian."
Rodney watched as Lorne left, running out the door. He rubbed a hand over his face, wishing Lorne hadn't turned into someone else entirely-another scientist hurrying to get a special tool he'd…Durand had…needed.
"Rodney." Sheppard grabbed his face, forcing him to look in his eyes. "Tell me what's wrong."
"Memories. Images. Not mine. Things keep changing."
"Whose memories? Durand's? Damn I knew I couldn't trust that Ancient. Rodney, listen to me, we're going to find a way to fix this, just hang on, okay? And why didn't you tell me sooner, before it got this bad?"
"Didn't think it would get like this," he said, trying to hold onto the here and now. It was hard, but Sheppard was helping to keep him grounded. "Thought I could just sort through everything, that the quiet would make it easier to figure out what was what."
"Damn it, Rodney, why wouldn't you trust me to help? Even to sit with you, figure out how to fix this? I refuse to allow another geek on my team, not when I've finally gotten you trained. You are not giving up, do you hear me?"
"Didn't want an audience. Not for this. Hard enough when you or Carson is here." He took a breath when Sheppard was replaced by someone else, another memory, another image.
"Rodney!" John had both hands on his shoulders now, shaking him a little. "Tell me what to do. What can I do to help?"
How could he tell him that it wasn't him, that there was nothing he could do until it passed, until he was able to push past it? Even locked into the image that wasn't his he could still hear, feel, smell. The sheer differences were starting to drive him crazy.
This memory ended as abruptly as it began, leaving him shaking, Sheppard's hands still gripping him tightly. "God," he said, the word more a sob than anything. "I can't-"
"Rodney..." Sheppard actually sounded afraid, his mask gone for the moment. "You have to fight it."
"I feel like I'm losing me. The harder I fight it the stronger it gets. Find Carson. Don't let him do anything."
"I'm not going anywhere. Lorne will find Carson and get his ass back here to fix you."
Rodney snorted, the edges of another memory, another dead Ancient scientist flickering in the corner of his eye. "I don't think this is something he can fix."
"If he doesn't I'll shoot him. It's his job to fix you."
Keeping the specter at bay, Rodney actually looked at Sheppard. "There are some things no one can fix."
"That's a lie and you know it. If it were anyone else but you, you'd be in the labs solving the problem and smirking at everyone because they didn't get it as fast as you did."
Rodney shook his head, feeling the next memory coming. It was worse now. They were coming faster, more frequently, and stronger than before. He closed his eyes, turning his head away from from the man holding onto his arms, trying to push the memory away.
"Rodney! Damn it! Lorne, where the hell are you with Carson?"
Rodney trembled a little as the memory washed over him, watching as another Ancient scientist smiled up at him, his mouth moving, trying to tell him something. It was quick, short, but intense and he found himself trembling even as the damaged lab appeared again, Sheppard still holding onto him, keeping him upright.
His eyes widened as the next one swirled into view, his breath catching in his throat as the memory grabbed him, pulling him away from the present. One word, though, he thought he managed to whisper. "Nydia…"
***
TBC
After Rodney had left Sheppard standing in the hallway, he hadn't known where to go, what to do. He was still restless, but also exhausted. All the waking he'd done had certainly taken its toll on the reserves of energy he'd had.
He'd grabbed a little dinner and then collapsed into bed, sliding into a restless slumber, waking several times during the night. Once morning dawned, he'd given up pretending and had pulled himself out of bed, showering and getting himself ready for the day.
He ate breakfast in the very quiet and nearly empty mess hall, collecting several PowerBars and a bottle of water that he took with him when he left, his body headed directly for the East Pier and the labs there.
What was it about that specific wing, that area, that drew him? He wasn't sure, but if this was the only way to exorcise the demons-or fragments of memory-so be it.
He wandered for hours, munching on a PowerBar when hunger hit, poking at dead or half-dead consoles, running his fingers over the tops, remembering what they were designed to do, what systems they controlled.
It was so strange to be able to get impressions of devices he'd never seen before and know exactly what they were for and what they did. It shouldn't be like that.
By mid-afternoon he was tired and found himself in Durand's lab, or at least the lab he used when he'd been on Atlantis. Finding a semi-clean spot, he lowered himself to the floor, resting his back against the hard surface, his knees pulled up to his chest.
He hated this feeling, hated this warped sense of déjà vu. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back, his mind still sorting through all the memories and images and impressions that were floating aimlessly in his head.
"If I wake up dead tomorrow, I'm coming back to haunt your sorry arse until the end of time." Carson dropped down next to him on the floor.
Rodney started, his entire body shaking in surprise as his head whipped around. He hadn't heard anyone enter, let alone approach him. "What?"
"If you had turned your bloody radio on yesterday, Sheppard wouldn't have felt the need to stick me with a watchdog, whom I had to have a nurse distract so I could slip out of the infirmary. We don't have long before Lorne and Sheppard come to kill me, and possibly you, so let me give you that check-up you missed. I'd like to die knowing you're okay."
"Radio?" Rodney looked at Carson for a minute, trying to make sense of what his friend had told him. It took a minute, but realization finally dawned. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the object in question. "Oh…this."
"Don't turn it on now! It will only let them find us faster." Carson leaned back against the wall. "Ah, Rodney, what are you doing to yourself? I managed to convince the Colonel not to send out search parties last night when he couldn't reach you on the condition that I'd let him know how your check-up went. When you didn't show up, I got worried and knew if I didn't find you first and warn you, he would probably do damage to you for scaring him like this."
"Check-up? What? That's tomorrow."
"That's today, lad."
Rodney felt his eyes widen as he let his head thump back against the wall. "What's going on? Am I losing my mind?"
"No, you're not. You've just been through a lot lately and you're trying to figure it all out. And the Colonel's not helping, I know. But in his defense, he's terrified. When you were sick, there was nothing he could do to help you, he had to rely on others to save you. Now, I think he's over compensating a bit. Bloody bastard thinks setting watchdogs on people is a good way to handle the situation."
"Yeah, he mentioned something about Lorne," Rodney said absently as he fingered the radio in his hand. He'd made a promise to Sheppard and hadn't followed through, even though he'd intended to. That bothered him. "Carson?"
"Aye?"
"I’m not sure I can do this anymore."
Carson looked over at him. "This?"
"This." Rodney waved his free hand, the small gesture encompassing the room and himself. "I feel like I'm losing myself again."
Carson reached over, resting one hand on his arm. "Then let us help you. You don't have to do this, deal with everything, alone. We need you here, Rodney, and none of us are going to give up on you. Don't give up on yourself."
"You don't understand. You can't help. He's still in here," he said, gesturing to his head. "His memories, images, impressions. They're all still there. I can't tell what's mine and what's his. I thought the quiet would help me figure it out, sort things, but it's only gotten worse."
Carson's hand tightened on his arm. "He said you remembered more than you were letting on, but I didn't realize it was that much. But that doesn't mean I can't help. I don't know how yet, but Rodney, we got Durand out, separated you. I know we can find a way to get rid of the last lingering remnants, especially if you're helping. We were at a disadvantage without you before."
"I don't think there's anything left to take out, that's the problem. Nothing's fully formed but it's just enough to feel like it's mine. I honestly don't know how much longer I can stand it." He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the latest memory, the way the scientists buzzed about the labs working on various projects as he helped them sort through the difficult equations and get the project to work.
"Rodney, let's go back up to the infirmary. Let me run some tests, bring Radek in. Right now, your mind has nothing to do but dwell on the memories. Let's get you busy doing something, using your own brain. Maybe that will help, if only for a little while. As a last resort, I'll brave the bloody chair again and ask Durand directly how to erase the impressions."
"No!" Rodney's eyes widened. "Absolutely not."
Carson sighed. "I said as a last resort. Believe me, until we get some sort of sign that it's safe, I really don't want to sit back down in that thing. But if it's the only way to help you, I will."
"Over my dead body."
Carson's lips twitched up. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Now, will you come back up with me, so we can find an alternative?"
He shook his head. "I don't want an audience. Can't…have one. Please, don't make me."
"We'll use one of the isolation rooms, and I'll keep everyone but essential personnel out. Once I get some tests started, we can go up to your lab. If you lock the door, we can do some research and no one will bother us. Will that work?"
"Nonono. Not isolation room. Just…let me work this out myself." He pulled his legs closer to his chest, his arms wrapped around them.
"Rodney.... Let me help. Please. If you don't want to go to the infirmary, fine, but let me help you."
"I don't think you can."
"Let me try. Don't shut me out before we've even started."
"What's to try? I'm losing my mind. Even though you're the best doctor I've had, it's not something you can put back together."
"You aren't losing your mind. You have the remnants of someone else's memories cluttering up you head. They aren't yours, any more than Durand's personality was yours. And, yes, as a matter of fact, I do believe I can put it back together. Somehow."
Rodney pressed his lips together and shook his head as yet another memory surfaced, the scene playing in his head as if he were there, the overlapping dialogue cluttering his mind.
"That's it. I'm not sitting here watching you slowly go insane. I'm going to the one person I know can help." There was the sound of someone standing, then a garbled meep noise. "M-major Lorne... Fancy meeting you here..."
Rodney just cringed and wished he could disappear into the floor.
"You know the Colonel's not exactly a happy camper," Lorne said, the voice close.
"Yes, I figured. But I needed to get to Rodney. He needs help, Major. Where is Sheppard now?"
"He was headed this way. We've been searching for about an hour now. About five minutes after you sent the nurse after me. Thanks, by the way. I have a date for Friday."
There was silence for a moment before Carson spoke again. "Well, glad that worked out for you. Stay with Rodney until Sheppard arrives. I need to go take care of something. And before you ask, it's a medical emergency."
"Doc," Lorne said, his voice protesting even though Rodney heard movement headed away from him.
"I'll be back. Watch Rodney." The footsteps faded away, to be replaced by shuffling for a few minutes, before more footsteps heralded the arrival of someone else. "What the hell is going on here?" Sheppard's voice was tight with anger.
"Sheppard," Rodney managed to whisper, the current lab finally materializing around him as he pulled himself from the latest memory.
"Jesus, Rodney, you look like hell." The Colonel was next to him a moment later, his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Hey, look at me, I'm here. You're safe."
"Find Carson. Don't know what he's planning."
Sheppard looked around, his body stiffening. His gaze rested on Lorne. "Where the hell did he go? I thought you said they were both here?"
"You had to pass him on the way out," Lorne said, his voice rising a little.
"Damn sneaky doctor. He must have heard me and hid behind something." Sheppard rested his head against the wall for a moment. "Between the two of you, when this is all done, I am taking a long vacation. Lorne! Find him. You don't leave his side until I say so. Bring him back, and after that he's confined to his room, the infirmary, and the mess. I don't care if he's a civilian."
Rodney watched as Lorne left, running out the door. He rubbed a hand over his face, wishing Lorne hadn't turned into someone else entirely-another scientist hurrying to get a special tool he'd…Durand had…needed.
"Rodney." Sheppard grabbed his face, forcing him to look in his eyes. "Tell me what's wrong."
"Memories. Images. Not mine. Things keep changing."
"Whose memories? Durand's? Damn I knew I couldn't trust that Ancient. Rodney, listen to me, we're going to find a way to fix this, just hang on, okay? And why didn't you tell me sooner, before it got this bad?"
"Didn't think it would get like this," he said, trying to hold onto the here and now. It was hard, but Sheppard was helping to keep him grounded. "Thought I could just sort through everything, that the quiet would make it easier to figure out what was what."
"Damn it, Rodney, why wouldn't you trust me to help? Even to sit with you, figure out how to fix this? I refuse to allow another geek on my team, not when I've finally gotten you trained. You are not giving up, do you hear me?"
"Didn't want an audience. Not for this. Hard enough when you or Carson is here." He took a breath when Sheppard was replaced by someone else, another memory, another image.
"Rodney!" John had both hands on his shoulders now, shaking him a little. "Tell me what to do. What can I do to help?"
How could he tell him that it wasn't him, that there was nothing he could do until it passed, until he was able to push past it? Even locked into the image that wasn't his he could still hear, feel, smell. The sheer differences were starting to drive him crazy.
This memory ended as abruptly as it began, leaving him shaking, Sheppard's hands still gripping him tightly. "God," he said, the word more a sob than anything. "I can't-"
"Rodney..." Sheppard actually sounded afraid, his mask gone for the moment. "You have to fight it."
"I feel like I'm losing me. The harder I fight it the stronger it gets. Find Carson. Don't let him do anything."
"I'm not going anywhere. Lorne will find Carson and get his ass back here to fix you."
Rodney snorted, the edges of another memory, another dead Ancient scientist flickering in the corner of his eye. "I don't think this is something he can fix."
"If he doesn't I'll shoot him. It's his job to fix you."
Keeping the specter at bay, Rodney actually looked at Sheppard. "There are some things no one can fix."
"That's a lie and you know it. If it were anyone else but you, you'd be in the labs solving the problem and smirking at everyone because they didn't get it as fast as you did."
Rodney shook his head, feeling the next memory coming. It was worse now. They were coming faster, more frequently, and stronger than before. He closed his eyes, turning his head away from from the man holding onto his arms, trying to push the memory away.
"Rodney! Damn it! Lorne, where the hell are you with Carson?"
Rodney trembled a little as the memory washed over him, watching as another Ancient scientist smiled up at him, his mouth moving, trying to tell him something. It was quick, short, but intense and he found himself trembling even as the damaged lab appeared again, Sheppard still holding onto him, keeping him upright.
His eyes widened as the next one swirled into view, his breath catching in his throat as the memory grabbed him, pulling him away from the present. One word, though, he thought he managed to whisper. "Nydia…"
***
TBC