vflick
in
gate_haven
SG1: Gen - Jack & Teal'c
Title: Jaffa cuisine
Genre: humour
Length: ~600 words
Rating: G
Warnings: Not for the faint of stomach
Summary: From the prompt: How do all the Jaffa on the motherships get fed? We've never seen a commissary. Who gets KP? Do they wear hairnets? And feeding into my little imaginary world in which Apophis has a huge staff that organizes and maintains his theocratic empire.
Four days. They had been stuck on the Goauld mothership for four days. Teal’c had managed to land them on a big asteroid, but so far they had not been able to get communications or propulsion up and running. Sam had been working fiendishly and she said she was making progress. Who could tell though, really? Fixing ships was not something Jack could help her with. Daniel had done his best to help, but so far they hadn’t found a lot of Mothership Engine End User Documentation lying around, and as handy as walls are for writing stuff on, they just don’t have enough pages to do Sam much good with engine repair.
The environmental systems were working just fine, and hey, on an asteroid they weren’t in much danger from much of anything. Jack almost wished another Goauld would find them there, because if they were captured and taken to a planet with a stargate, at least there would be the opportunity to escape! But as it was? There was nothing to do but wait and hope Sam could work a miracle as she always did. He had no doubt she would succeed. The question was: When.
Jack was bored. And worse? Hungry. They had finished the last of their energy bars last night.
“Teal’c, buddy!”
An eyebrow twitch. Nothing more. “O’Neil.”
“There has got to be some good eating on these tubs, no? I mean they carry, what, a couple thousand Jaffa from place to place?”
“The standard crew complement on a fully staffed mothership is 12,000 Jaffa warriors and 10,000 human slaves.”
Jack flinched for a moment as he realized just how many lives were extinguished every time they succeeded in ‘taking out’ an enemy ship. He filed that away into his mental war chest though - no point dwelling. He was a soldier after all.
“So, you guys gotta eat, right? Lets go raid the pantry!”
Teal’c hesitated for an instant. “I believe Daniel Jackson still has an energy bar. Perhaps that would suffice until Major Carter has completed repairs.”
Jack looked sideways at Teal’c as he realized that he had never actually seen any evidence of food on a mothership. What did these guys eat, anyway? For that matter where did they eat? What was Teal’c hesitating for? Teal’c had to be hungry too. Either he’d been sneaking off to some secret stash and didn’t want to share, or … Jack all of a sudden needed to know. Jack stood up and with a curious twinkle in his eye offered a hand to Teal’c. “Take me to the kitchen on this tub. That’s an order.”
----------------------
Jack’s vaunted iron stomach failed him. Or it would have, had he been able to put anything in it in the last 24 hours.
“Teal’c, I’ve eaten on Chulak with your family. What the hell is this?”
Teal’c's expression was new to Jack. After a quick second look O’Neill realized it…. it was chagrin! “There are no Jaffa women on a Mothership, O’Neill.”
“But surely,” started Jack before giving in to another dry heave, “I mean…” he tried again as he gestured weakly at the ‘kitchen’ before him.
“Jaffa children do not have the protection of a symbiote, therefore on Jaffa worlds, sanitation and food preparation are carefully maintained, however, this is primarily done by females. On a Mothership Jaffa warriors get… lazy. We tend to rely on our symbiotes to protect us.”
O’Neill again gazed unbelievingly at the scene before him. The row of un-refrigerated… critters hanging by their tails - what were those things anyway? A rat-dillo? Blood and food detruis everywhere. “But Teal’c, I thought you said there were thousands of human slaves on a Mothership? Surely they wouldn’t survive long on this… cuisine?”
“Human staff will not willingly work in the Jaffa kitchen.”
“I can’t imagine why,” muttered O’Neill.
“Human populations in the service of the Goa’uld traditionally maintain strict culinary rules within their seperate food preparation and dining areas. I believe the rules might be similar to the earth Jewish culture and their ‘kosher’ cuisine. There are rules about..”
“I’m sure Daniel will be fascinated," Jack broke in, "A human kitchen you say? Damn! Lead the way man!”
Jack beat a hasty retreat. He wasn’t sure he was all that hungry anymore, actually.
This mini!fic was written thanks to thekatebeyond - thanks for the prompt! And in honour of pixie_on_acid's adventures. Thanks for the inspiration! :)
Genre: humour
Length: ~600 words
Rating: G
Warnings: Not for the faint of stomach
Summary: From the prompt: How do all the Jaffa on the motherships get fed? We've never seen a commissary. Who gets KP? Do they wear hairnets? And feeding into my little imaginary world in which Apophis has a huge staff that organizes and maintains his theocratic empire.
Four days. They had been stuck on the Goauld mothership for four days. Teal’c had managed to land them on a big asteroid, but so far they had not been able to get communications or propulsion up and running. Sam had been working fiendishly and she said she was making progress. Who could tell though, really? Fixing ships was not something Jack could help her with. Daniel had done his best to help, but so far they hadn’t found a lot of Mothership Engine End User Documentation lying around, and as handy as walls are for writing stuff on, they just don’t have enough pages to do Sam much good with engine repair.
The environmental systems were working just fine, and hey, on an asteroid they weren’t in much danger from much of anything. Jack almost wished another Goauld would find them there, because if they were captured and taken to a planet with a stargate, at least there would be the opportunity to escape! But as it was? There was nothing to do but wait and hope Sam could work a miracle as she always did. He had no doubt she would succeed. The question was: When.
Jack was bored. And worse? Hungry. They had finished the last of their energy bars last night.
“Teal’c, buddy!”
An eyebrow twitch. Nothing more. “O’Neil.”
“There has got to be some good eating on these tubs, no? I mean they carry, what, a couple thousand Jaffa from place to place?”
“The standard crew complement on a fully staffed mothership is 12,000 Jaffa warriors and 10,000 human slaves.”
Jack flinched for a moment as he realized just how many lives were extinguished every time they succeeded in ‘taking out’ an enemy ship. He filed that away into his mental war chest though - no point dwelling. He was a soldier after all.
“So, you guys gotta eat, right? Lets go raid the pantry!”
Teal’c hesitated for an instant. “I believe Daniel Jackson still has an energy bar. Perhaps that would suffice until Major Carter has completed repairs.”
Jack looked sideways at Teal’c as he realized that he had never actually seen any evidence of food on a mothership. What did these guys eat, anyway? For that matter where did they eat? What was Teal’c hesitating for? Teal’c had to be hungry too. Either he’d been sneaking off to some secret stash and didn’t want to share, or … Jack all of a sudden needed to know. Jack stood up and with a curious twinkle in his eye offered a hand to Teal’c. “Take me to the kitchen on this tub. That’s an order.”
----------------------
Jack’s vaunted iron stomach failed him. Or it would have, had he been able to put anything in it in the last 24 hours.
“Teal’c, I’ve eaten on Chulak with your family. What the hell is this?”
Teal’c's expression was new to Jack. After a quick second look O’Neill realized it…. it was chagrin! “There are no Jaffa women on a Mothership, O’Neill.”
“But surely,” started Jack before giving in to another dry heave, “I mean…” he tried again as he gestured weakly at the ‘kitchen’ before him.
“Jaffa children do not have the protection of a symbiote, therefore on Jaffa worlds, sanitation and food preparation are carefully maintained, however, this is primarily done by females. On a Mothership Jaffa warriors get… lazy. We tend to rely on our symbiotes to protect us.”
O’Neill again gazed unbelievingly at the scene before him. The row of un-refrigerated… critters hanging by their tails - what were those things anyway? A rat-dillo? Blood and food detruis everywhere. “But Teal’c, I thought you said there were thousands of human slaves on a Mothership? Surely they wouldn’t survive long on this… cuisine?”
“Human staff will not willingly work in the Jaffa kitchen.”
“I can’t imagine why,” muttered O’Neill.
“Human populations in the service of the Goa’uld traditionally maintain strict culinary rules within their seperate food preparation and dining areas. I believe the rules might be similar to the earth Jewish culture and their ‘kosher’ cuisine. There are rules about..”
“I’m sure Daniel will be fascinated," Jack broke in, "A human kitchen you say? Damn! Lead the way man!”
Jack beat a hasty retreat. He wasn’t sure he was all that hungry anymore, actually.
This mini!fic was written thanks to thekatebeyond - thanks for the prompt! And in honour of pixie_on_acid's adventures. Thanks for the inspiration! :)