The downward spiral
Sometimes I think I'm going to explode any second.
I'm a lazy guy. I'm a forgetful guy. And far too frequently, that means I procrastinate, do things by the seat of my pants and generally skid by. I seem to put myself into situations where I need to pull off daring and tight-scheduled plans to keep going. Up to now, it has worked, because I'm a harmless-looking guy - people seem to notice that I need some slack, and thus I often get away with things when I should have my ass kicked, like missing deadlines. But I'm playing the game, being lazy and then going into deep hacking mode where I frantically catch up on what I was supposed to do, turn it in and get away with it. Along the way, I casually lie and stall for time; I foster ignorance in those around me in task-related matters so that when I give lame excuses, they will nod because they don't know better. But on the other side of the coin, I often get into these no-win scenarios due to honest mistakes or just plain miscommunication, i.e., not my own laziness, and thus, there's this huge house of cards that I'm trying to keep up AND make it look easy, because I don't like relying on other people. Sometimes I think I subconsciously create problems just to solve them. It seems I thrive on jumping from one crisis to another.
Yet, as I'm sitting in my little foxhole waiting for the barrage to stop so I can dart to the next one, I wonder why I'm putting up with my own laziness and the stuff the world piles on me. I wonder whether I shouldn't trash my ambitions and find a job that pays me enough to get through life, and then lose myself in the soothing monotony of the daily grind, far away from responsibility or crisis managment. Or maybe just collapse one day and spend a few months in a hospital recouperating. Or go back in time and kick my own ass.
The problem is, of course, that I'm a very pattern-like guy. I have my habits. Monotony is good, I can deal with monotony. But still I seek the thrill of thinking on my feet. It's like James Bond let the bad guy get away and then, with the Doomsday Clock at 1 minute to Midnight, decided to finally do something, just for kicks. I don't like this stress, it's bad for me. Still, I crave it. It's my drug. Maybe I have some sort of Victim syndrome ot something, I don't know. All I know is that I want this bullshit to stop, that I want to be on schedule, on top of things, and no nasty surprises.
But change is hard.
Very hard.
(I do apologise for the whining, I just needed to get that off my chest.)
Gatac
I'm a lazy guy. I'm a forgetful guy. And far too frequently, that means I procrastinate, do things by the seat of my pants and generally skid by. I seem to put myself into situations where I need to pull off daring and tight-scheduled plans to keep going. Up to now, it has worked, because I'm a harmless-looking guy - people seem to notice that I need some slack, and thus I often get away with things when I should have my ass kicked, like missing deadlines. But I'm playing the game, being lazy and then going into deep hacking mode where I frantically catch up on what I was supposed to do, turn it in and get away with it. Along the way, I casually lie and stall for time; I foster ignorance in those around me in task-related matters so that when I give lame excuses, they will nod because they don't know better. But on the other side of the coin, I often get into these no-win scenarios due to honest mistakes or just plain miscommunication, i.e., not my own laziness, and thus, there's this huge house of cards that I'm trying to keep up AND make it look easy, because I don't like relying on other people. Sometimes I think I subconsciously create problems just to solve them. It seems I thrive on jumping from one crisis to another.
Yet, as I'm sitting in my little foxhole waiting for the barrage to stop so I can dart to the next one, I wonder why I'm putting up with my own laziness and the stuff the world piles on me. I wonder whether I shouldn't trash my ambitions and find a job that pays me enough to get through life, and then lose myself in the soothing monotony of the daily grind, far away from responsibility or crisis managment. Or maybe just collapse one day and spend a few months in a hospital recouperating. Or go back in time and kick my own ass.
The problem is, of course, that I'm a very pattern-like guy. I have my habits. Monotony is good, I can deal with monotony. But still I seek the thrill of thinking on my feet. It's like James Bond let the bad guy get away and then, with the Doomsday Clock at 1 minute to Midnight, decided to finally do something, just for kicks. I don't like this stress, it's bad for me. Still, I crave it. It's my drug. Maybe I have some sort of Victim syndrome ot something, I don't know. All I know is that I want this bullshit to stop, that I want to be on schedule, on top of things, and no nasty surprises.
But change is hard.
Very hard.
(I do apologise for the whining, I just needed to get that off my chest.)
Gatac