(no subject)
I haven't been on here in a long, long time. But its my only escape I still have left to get things off my chest. Things have been hard for me lately. I'm really trying to stay positive, but it's tough sometimes. I got kicked out of my house on January 1st, so that sucks. My mom told me she just couldn't have me around anymore. My mom has breast cancer, she's been fighting it since October, she went for a biopsy and they thought they took out all the cancerous tissue the first time, but it seems to be spreading. So, the last that I heard from her she's going in to get the full breast removed. Do you know what it feels like to be pushed away by your own mom, in such a desparate time in her life. I should be there for her, I should be supporting her, but I fucked up. I feel like the lowest of the low. On the side of that, my ex and me have been apart since October, or November.. I can't even remember anymore. None the less I miss her. Since we broke up I've been a broken record.. constantly bothering her to take me back. You don't think I feel bad about it? Then why do I keep doing it? Why do I just not give up? Is it true what she said? Am I just in it for the chase? No.. no, it can't be that because my feelings for her are through the roof. You can't love someone this much and just like the game of getting her back. Anyways, on Dec 31st at about, 11:30pm she was in Bowmanville on the other side of town at Lindsays New Years party. Ofcourse I wasn't there because I didn't know if I could do it. I had doubts in my mind that I'd be able to go there and not bother her, ruin her night. So for once my mind was ignoreing my hearts desires. For once I put her first and her well being. At 11:30 for some reason or another I guess my heart was overpowering my brain yet again and I was out the door. It was pouring rain, and about 0 degrees celcius. But I still ran. Oh did I ever run. I'm a smoker, so my lungs were trying to hold me back but I just kept on running. I don't know what it was.. adrenhaline? I can't be too sure.. But even when it felt like my lungs were bleeding I was still running through the empty streets at full speed. I looked at my watch, 11:55 and I was only halfway there. I hoped to god that I could make it there before 12, I don't know why? I guess I thought if I made it there before the countdown it would play out like something out of a movie. You know, boy comes in and makes up with girl with seconds left.. then the New Years kiss. Boy was I wrong. I looked at my watch again and it was 12:05. I FUCKING missed it.. boy did I feel shitty. I felt like I let her down, little did I forget to realize, I let her down long ago.. and theres nothing I could do to fix it. I still wish there was, oh god.. do I wish there was something I could do to change all this. I got to the door, and rang the doorbell. Dru answered the door I think, I don't remember because I was only looking at her, I wasn't looking at anyone else, just her. I got in and told her I ran all the way there just to see her, and that I tried to make it before the countdown. She was drunk, and didn't seem interested. I told her there were things that I wanted to talk to her about, things I wanted to appologize for, things I wanted to admit up to.. so she sat me down on the stairs and told me she'd be right back. All I could think of was her hand on my arm as she sat me down. After that her mood completely changed for the worse, which upset me. I was dragged into a bathroom because Lindsay, the hostess of the party apparently didn't want me in her house. So I went into the bathroom with her, and Kate.. I sat down, and started to cry.. Kate came out and said "Well, obviously you need to work things out because this kid loves you, I think everyone in that room over there has seen Robb lately and what this is doing to him. He cares for you alot, he loves you." and all she could say was "You hurt me too much, Robb." and kept repeating it. Its the only thing she would say to me. Do you remember Ralph on this Simpsons? The episode where he went on a date with Lisa, and Krusty the Clown asked ralph if that was his girlfriend, and he replied with, "YES IM GOING TO MARRY LISA SIMPSON". Do you remember when Bart paused the T.V and ralphs face? Yeah, when I was sitting there in the bathroom with her.. tears running down my face, I felt my heart rip in two. So anyways after that I was dragged outside onto the porch by Dru because Lindsay was having a shitfit. Dru came out onto the porch and the first thing he said was, "Man, me, and everyone else has seen you go downhill over these past months. We don't like seeing you like this, your not happy.. ever. Get over her man, theres plenty more fish in the sea, Theres plenty mor..." and just then I cut him off and yelled, "I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE DRU, I WANT HER." so he replied, "I'm just saying, I care for you man. And quite frankly.. I'm afraid for your life, and it's not just me. Norm is concerned for you too." Then I said, "JUST GO GET HER, I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.. JUST GO GET HER." Anyways that conversation went on for awhile until he finally gave up and went inside. So I sat there waited for her to come out and talk to me, unfortunatly she never came.. so still crying, I stood up and just left. Walked home in the rain listening to my iPod, wet, cold, tired, and still crying. When I got home I went upstairs to my room and wrote two emails, one to her.. and one to norm. Then I went downstairs got my shoes on, grabbed my cigarettes and went out to the garage. I closed the garage door behind me and got in the passenger side seat of the Bonneville. I turned it on and let down the rear passenger side window, (behind me) then I got out of the car.. grabbed a Vaccum hose out of the garage, took my sock off and shoved the hose into the Bonnevilles tailpipe, then the sock to muffle it. I put the other end of the hose in the crack of the window and let the window go up until it was tight. I got in the car and listened to music, smoked a couple of cigarettes and passed out, still crying.
I woke up in my living room on the couch with my dad stareing at me and my mom crying. My dad had heard the Bonneville running in the garage and came out and got me. Another minute, and I wouldn't be here today. I still wish he wouldnt have pulled me out.
Anyways now, she seems to like this guy.. and I can't really do anything about it.
I really hope I'm wrong on my assumption of her and this guy, because I don't know what I'll do if I lose her for good.
The day after all this happened, I was out for a drive with my dad, and he was lectureing me on things in my life.. I wasn't really listening because my dad never really ever gave a shit about anything I did. I can still remember when I was 15.. and me and him were in the car and he said, "So what grade is it your in now? 8?.. 9?" He doesn't really know anything about me, and chooses not to. Hes too concentrated on his other two sons, the two sons who do well in school, and he feels are going somewhere in life. But not me. He once told me that I wasn't going to amount up to anything in life. And that he could see me being a GAS STATION attendant as my life career. Anyways I was off in my own little world when he was lectureing me, he thought I was ignoreing him, so he punched me. He sucker punched me right in the side of the face, and it sent my head into the window. I've never been hit by my parents before, other than when I would run around naked in my neighbourhood when I was living in London, he would spank me. But he had never forcefully hit me before. After that, I lost all respect for him. The last thing I said to him was, "Don't you EVER, touch me again."
So now, I'm living with a friend, in a town I don't even know.. population 4500, 90% of which is retired.. the only thing I have to look forward to is college. I don't even know if I want to do that anymore. I don't know anything anymore. The only thing I know for sure in my mind is that I want her back. I want to be with her forever, yeah.. thats right. I felt like the was the one. I've never felt this way about anyone before. She seems to put everyone else in plain, bland, Black and White. while shes the only one that stands out to me in Vivid Colour. I can't go through a single day without her many cute smiles, and all of her adoreable little laughs play out in my mind.. Constantly thinking of all the good times we had, the dates.. the nights curling up to her in bed. Drinking. Wonderland. Drive-in Movies. Playdium. The Zoo. The Park. Spencer Smith. The Park. The first time.. up to and includeing ALL of the times we made love. EVERYTHING. its just all playing back in my head, like its haunting me what I did to her. Ontop of that I feel like everyday I go on not living at home being with my mom, i'm letting her down. But its time to face the facts, robb.
You already let everyone down.
Daylight Bombings - The Bled
The air raids at night.
Are keeping things serene.
The president's men are closing in on me.
And the crosshair grin you hold me in still does not propose an argument convincing me to shed the devil's clothes.
Electrodes to spine.
Tonguing my wounds clean.
That's when the nightmare stops.
Oh yeah, I had a dream, I had a dream.
It went - shackled to the lover of another in a chapel so pristine.
Baptized as athiests.
I never felt to clean.
The more I hear doves cry the less I want to fly.
The more I hear them crying out...
When does the seizure end?
When does the cyanide kick in?
I'd like to hike you up over the waste of love and back again.
Oh my mistress, whoa, sweet distress.
Your dress is bringing it all back to me.
And we are closer than whores caught up in a roundabout in hell.
Twilight isn't in the dark on this one.
You can play me out on the hotel floor.
Twilight isn't in the dark on this one.
You can play me out.
The more I hear doves cry, the less I want to fly.
The more I hear those doves crying.
This is where the plot thickens.
Not behind the ribs but below the truth.
You can use your sleuth.
'cause I'm begging for proof.
This is where the plot thickens.
Not behind the ribs but below the truth.
You can use your sleuth.
'cause I'm begging for proof.
Begging for proof.
When does the siezure end?
When does the cyanide kick in?
I'd like to hike you up over the waste of love and back again.
Oh my mistress, whoa sweet distress.
Your dress is bringing it all back to me.
And we are closer than whores caught up in a roundabout.
No need to run away.
The pig was snuffed and laid.
We saw this happening all on the front page.
This is the last time we bet on landmines.
We've got a lot riding on this one.
So save your bullets for the call back.
We've got a lot riding on this one.
Don't turn your back till you see the blood flow back.
I woke up in my living room on the couch with my dad stareing at me and my mom crying. My dad had heard the Bonneville running in the garage and came out and got me. Another minute, and I wouldn't be here today. I still wish he wouldnt have pulled me out.
Anyways now, she seems to like this guy.. and I can't really do anything about it.
I really hope I'm wrong on my assumption of her and this guy, because I don't know what I'll do if I lose her for good.
The day after all this happened, I was out for a drive with my dad, and he was lectureing me on things in my life.. I wasn't really listening because my dad never really ever gave a shit about anything I did. I can still remember when I was 15.. and me and him were in the car and he said, "So what grade is it your in now? 8?.. 9?" He doesn't really know anything about me, and chooses not to. Hes too concentrated on his other two sons, the two sons who do well in school, and he feels are going somewhere in life. But not me. He once told me that I wasn't going to amount up to anything in life. And that he could see me being a GAS STATION attendant as my life career. Anyways I was off in my own little world when he was lectureing me, he thought I was ignoreing him, so he punched me. He sucker punched me right in the side of the face, and it sent my head into the window. I've never been hit by my parents before, other than when I would run around naked in my neighbourhood when I was living in London, he would spank me. But he had never forcefully hit me before. After that, I lost all respect for him. The last thing I said to him was, "Don't you EVER, touch me again."
So now, I'm living with a friend, in a town I don't even know.. population 4500, 90% of which is retired.. the only thing I have to look forward to is college. I don't even know if I want to do that anymore. I don't know anything anymore. The only thing I know for sure in my mind is that I want her back. I want to be with her forever, yeah.. thats right. I felt like the was the one. I've never felt this way about anyone before. She seems to put everyone else in plain, bland, Black and White. while shes the only one that stands out to me in Vivid Colour. I can't go through a single day without her many cute smiles, and all of her adoreable little laughs play out in my mind.. Constantly thinking of all the good times we had, the dates.. the nights curling up to her in bed. Drinking. Wonderland. Drive-in Movies. Playdium. The Zoo. The Park. Spencer Smith. The Park. The first time.. up to and includeing ALL of the times we made love. EVERYTHING. its just all playing back in my head, like its haunting me what I did to her. Ontop of that I feel like everyday I go on not living at home being with my mom, i'm letting her down. But its time to face the facts, robb.
You already let everyone down.
Daylight Bombings - The Bled
The air raids at night.
Are keeping things serene.
The president's men are closing in on me.
And the crosshair grin you hold me in still does not propose an argument convincing me to shed the devil's clothes.
Electrodes to spine.
Tonguing my wounds clean.
That's when the nightmare stops.
Oh yeah, I had a dream, I had a dream.
It went - shackled to the lover of another in a chapel so pristine.
Baptized as athiests.
I never felt to clean.
The more I hear doves cry the less I want to fly.
The more I hear them crying out...
When does the seizure end?
When does the cyanide kick in?
I'd like to hike you up over the waste of love and back again.
Oh my mistress, whoa, sweet distress.
Your dress is bringing it all back to me.
And we are closer than whores caught up in a roundabout in hell.
Twilight isn't in the dark on this one.
You can play me out on the hotel floor.
Twilight isn't in the dark on this one.
You can play me out.
The more I hear doves cry, the less I want to fly.
The more I hear those doves crying.
This is where the plot thickens.
Not behind the ribs but below the truth.
You can use your sleuth.
'cause I'm begging for proof.
This is where the plot thickens.
Not behind the ribs but below the truth.
You can use your sleuth.
'cause I'm begging for proof.
Begging for proof.
When does the siezure end?
When does the cyanide kick in?
I'd like to hike you up over the waste of love and back again.
Oh my mistress, whoa sweet distress.
Your dress is bringing it all back to me.
And we are closer than whores caught up in a roundabout.
No need to run away.
The pig was snuffed and laid.
We saw this happening all on the front page.
This is the last time we bet on landmines.
We've got a lot riding on this one.
So save your bullets for the call back.
We've got a lot riding on this one.
Don't turn your back till you see the blood flow back.