(no subject)
so i started hanging out with this girl and being mad social in december of last year. that came to a pretty tidy close in mid january. i have no desire to continue with that life.
i keep to myself these days. the only problem is that it's become such a normal thing for me that people are beginning to bother me. their presence bothers me. i view most girls as eventual disappointments and most guys as too concerned with being the biggest, best, strongest, most masculine. it's not like i walk around all day like FUCK ALL YA'LL, but i definitely don't have that aching desire to connect with anyone.
i haven't had sex in a few months. it's been ok. the strangest part is, after the initial "oh shit now what" when i walked from regular sex to end something that wasn't healthy, i didn't really care. i still don't. when i'm agitated i view it as a tragedy, but most of the time i see it as a blessing. no sex means no mutual orgasms or intense connections, but no sex also means no complications, no feelings to handle delicately, no unnecessary bedmates keeping me from sleeping. i can be as nice or rude to whomever i choose. i don't really care if anyone particularly likes me.
this has not turned me into some misanthropic version of adam, just a more comfortable me. which is also causing an influx of attention from people who i used to fall all over myself to impress. so all this relaxation and comfortability in the social aspect of my life is definitely positive, if not a little ironic. i feel like i have more barriers up against the world than ever, like it'll take a LOT for me to get close to someone again.
i keep using misleading phrases that make me sound unhappy or hurt. i'm not. i'm just a little disillusioned with the majority of my peers and definitely don't feel like sloughing through the overpopulated dipshits to get to the genuinely nice and decent humans. i have a sneaking suspicion that most of us are hibernating anyway.
i've embraced my bachelorhood. i get to spend my whole days doing whatever i want, never checking in, never worrying that my actions are affecting anyone but me. i can create for the sake of my own creation, write for my own benefit. selfishness is the best perk of being alone.
finally: i love all of you. 9/11, never forget.
i keep to myself these days. the only problem is that it's become such a normal thing for me that people are beginning to bother me. their presence bothers me. i view most girls as eventual disappointments and most guys as too concerned with being the biggest, best, strongest, most masculine. it's not like i walk around all day like FUCK ALL YA'LL, but i definitely don't have that aching desire to connect with anyone.
i haven't had sex in a few months. it's been ok. the strangest part is, after the initial "oh shit now what" when i walked from regular sex to end something that wasn't healthy, i didn't really care. i still don't. when i'm agitated i view it as a tragedy, but most of the time i see it as a blessing. no sex means no mutual orgasms or intense connections, but no sex also means no complications, no feelings to handle delicately, no unnecessary bedmates keeping me from sleeping. i can be as nice or rude to whomever i choose. i don't really care if anyone particularly likes me.
this has not turned me into some misanthropic version of adam, just a more comfortable me. which is also causing an influx of attention from people who i used to fall all over myself to impress. so all this relaxation and comfortability in the social aspect of my life is definitely positive, if not a little ironic. i feel like i have more barriers up against the world than ever, like it'll take a LOT for me to get close to someone again.
i keep using misleading phrases that make me sound unhappy or hurt. i'm not. i'm just a little disillusioned with the majority of my peers and definitely don't feel like sloughing through the overpopulated dipshits to get to the genuinely nice and decent humans. i have a sneaking suspicion that most of us are hibernating anyway.
i've embraced my bachelorhood. i get to spend my whole days doing whatever i want, never checking in, never worrying that my actions are affecting anyone but me. i can create for the sake of my own creation, write for my own benefit. selfishness is the best perk of being alone.
finally: i love all of you. 9/11, never forget.