Nothing gold can stay
So I'm in the same spot I was a couple months ago.
Awesome.
I think he only stayed so long because of the sex.
Which is fine, because I would have given anything to be with him and I wanted all of it just as much as he did, probably more.
It just hurts so much, and it hurts that he was so awful when he ended things. Far worse than Chancelor was. And I want to look back on that part of my life and relfect but I deleted Jounral entries, I tossed out drawings, forgot where I put photographs.
Seeing John on Sunday literally made me sick, I threw up, I was shaking horribly, I pretty much had a seizure any time he got within fifteen yards of me. I'm ridiculous.
I would give anything to just be in his arms one more time, for him to just plant a solid kiss on my cheek, for us to just lie on his dumb old couch and talk about how we were each others favorites.
I guess all those horrible feelings of anxiety were right, and I'm not just a fucking lunatic. I should have seen it coming... and I'm pretty sure I did. I just convinced myself that my worrying was over nothing and I believed him when he told me not to worry.
I've been listening to Chancelor's song a lot ever since John ended things, the one about me. I've been thinkng a lot about Chancelor. The differences between him and John. I haven't decided who was better for me yet, or who did me right and who did me wrong. Until a week or so ago I was entirely convinced that John was a billion times better for me than Chancelor ever could be. Now? Not so sure. I don't even know why I'm dwelling on the fact. Probably because Chancelor came into rubys a little bit ago. I talked to him without freaking out entirely and when he left he paused as he walked out that big green door, looked back and gave a wave after we'd already said goodbye. Sometimes... often... I think he still thinks about me, and that kind of helps things.
I miss John. I can't even say why I cared for him so much, or why he was so good for me. I cared about him, a lot. And I know forawhile he cared for me too. I'm just a mess. I just want him to change his mind.
People at work keep telling me that he could change his mind and come back. I don't believe it for a second. I cried too many nights and wished so many times on solitarie games for Chancelor to come back to me. I remember just sitting there, playing that damn thing for HOURS just trying to win one game so that my wish might come true. Life isn't like the movies where people just change their minds and run back into your arms- that's one thing I've learned for damn sure.
I wrote a note to John in chalk on the wall at metro retro, he'll probably never see it. But I hope he does.
Awesome.
I think he only stayed so long because of the sex.
Which is fine, because I would have given anything to be with him and I wanted all of it just as much as he did, probably more.
It just hurts so much, and it hurts that he was so awful when he ended things. Far worse than Chancelor was. And I want to look back on that part of my life and relfect but I deleted Jounral entries, I tossed out drawings, forgot where I put photographs.
Seeing John on Sunday literally made me sick, I threw up, I was shaking horribly, I pretty much had a seizure any time he got within fifteen yards of me. I'm ridiculous.
I would give anything to just be in his arms one more time, for him to just plant a solid kiss on my cheek, for us to just lie on his dumb old couch and talk about how we were each others favorites.
I guess all those horrible feelings of anxiety were right, and I'm not just a fucking lunatic. I should have seen it coming... and I'm pretty sure I did. I just convinced myself that my worrying was over nothing and I believed him when he told me not to worry.
I've been listening to Chancelor's song a lot ever since John ended things, the one about me. I've been thinkng a lot about Chancelor. The differences between him and John. I haven't decided who was better for me yet, or who did me right and who did me wrong. Until a week or so ago I was entirely convinced that John was a billion times better for me than Chancelor ever could be. Now? Not so sure. I don't even know why I'm dwelling on the fact. Probably because Chancelor came into rubys a little bit ago. I talked to him without freaking out entirely and when he left he paused as he walked out that big green door, looked back and gave a wave after we'd already said goodbye. Sometimes... often... I think he still thinks about me, and that kind of helps things.
I miss John. I can't even say why I cared for him so much, or why he was so good for me. I cared about him, a lot. And I know forawhile he cared for me too. I'm just a mess. I just want him to change his mind.
People at work keep telling me that he could change his mind and come back. I don't believe it for a second. I cried too many nights and wished so many times on solitarie games for Chancelor to come back to me. I remember just sitting there, playing that damn thing for HOURS just trying to win one game so that my wish might come true. Life isn't like the movies where people just change their minds and run back into your arms- that's one thing I've learned for damn sure.
I wrote a note to John in chalk on the wall at metro retro, he'll probably never see it. But I hope he does.