/ don't change for anyone / don't change, just lie /
So, my brother broaches the subject of having to put our fourteen year old Yorkie down. It's somewhat germane, as he's been eating less (but I talked to the doc and am changing his food) and is on heart pills. I know we don't have as long as we once did, and that every day is a blessing
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I don't think he understands anything, to be honest. I told him, in my nicest tone of voice, that I would "very much like to be afforded the opportunity to say goodbye, if at all possible". He asked later if I was mad at him. I think he knows I'm not happy... does he care enough to let that impact his behavior? I don't know.
I'm so torn. I don't like thinking about anything happening to Murray, though I know it's inevitable. I don't want him to be put down alone, without me. I don't know if my brother would stay. If he dies naturally, at home, chances are it will be in the night, or while we're gone at work. If it's at night, he'll be sleeping in his little nest, happy, with his family, and it'll just... fade out. Chances are, I will see the body-- bad, for all the obvious reasons, but 'good' in the sense that he won't just disappear for me, with no closure.
If it's while we're at work, and I come home first... I don't know how I'll react. If it's my brother, I know that-- by the time I get home-- there won't be a trace left. That's his way of dealing with things. I don't like the thought of being alone when he dies, even if he's just sliding into it from sleep.
There's no good solution for this. I wish it didn't have to happen at all-- which is, of course, true for everyone who has loved another living creature, human or animal. But my brother's attitude is not helping. I know that, whatever I feel, it will need to be compressed for (probably not entirely healthy) expression later on. For whatever reason, I am not one of the people in this family who is allowed to have feelings in front of others. *tight smile*
Sorry for the rambling... I just... I keep praying that G-d will post-pone this as long as possible, and help it happen in the most natural, least painful way for Murray when it does have to happen. I'm going to be wreck, no matter what.
*hugs*
Thank you for listening.
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