[fic] Your Fingerprints Are Everywhere - 2/2
Title: Your Fingerprints Are Everywhere
Author:
garnetice
Pairing: Kendall/James, minor Logan/Shane
Part: Two of Two (Go to Part One)
Rating: G (no really, it's G. Except for like, two bad words)
Word Count: 12, 962 (Part Two - 6,366)
Warnings: Bad words, twin tropes
Summary: James finds Shane curled up on his bed. He didn’t go back to their dad’s. James wonders whether Shane’s waiting for news of how it went with Kendall or if he’s just waiting for James. James decides, just this once, that he’ll pretend it’s the latter. He pulls back the
covers, shucking his shirt and jeans and sliding into bed. His skin is cold and clammy, but Shane is warm, slow breathing and a gentle
heartbeat. James snuggles up against him. He falls asleep watching the soft rise and fall of his brother’s chest, caught somewhere between hate and love. When James wakes up in the morning, Shane is already gone.
Disclaimer: BTR is not mine. Nor is iCarly.
Author's Notes: Um. So. I started this back in March. And then I promptly forgot about it. But I like the whole concept of Shane being related to James (props to whoever pioneered that), and I like writing backstory for everything ever. Eventually this fic nagged me to death until I completed it. Tada! A thousand thanks to
goten0040, who was this story's fantastic beta. Also because she has has listened to me go on and on about how Sweet Valley was like, the foundation of my youth and how I'm totally jealous of her general state of twinship.
---
The week progresses exactly the way James expected and dreaded.
On Tuesday, James is fully prepared to carry on with his life, or at least his previous plans with Kendall. That doesn’t end well. Kendall stumbles out of his room near noon, sleepy eyed, Shane at his back.
“Why are you wearing your hockey jersey?”
“We were going to play one on one,” James reminds him, because he likes to be helpful.
“Yeah, but- that was before Shane came.”
Right. James deflates, like a balloon, which is silly, because it’s just hockey. The one thing that Kendall has never, ever turned down in his entire life and okay, yeah. James finds this mildly irritating. Shane shifts from foot to foot behind Kendall’s shoulder and mutters, “We don’t actually have to go to the-“
“No. The farmer’s market is like, a landmark. We have to go. James, why don’t you come with us? Shane hasn’t been sightseeing here, ever.”
“What is there to see? It’s LA. We’ve got smog and palm trees,” James replies sullenly. He shucks his jersey, right there in the middle of the living room and glares. Then he starts working on his pants. Kendall looks like he’s temporarily forgotten what words are. “I’m going to the pool.”
James isn’t sulking. Just because Kendall and Shane are having like, farmer’s market dates and acting like newlyweds doesn’t mean
James can’t have fun too. He’s going to get all squeaky clean and do something super amazing.
He ends up spending half an hour searching for a dry bathing suit. Eventually he borrows one of Carlos’s, which is weirdly loose on the waist and tight in the ass. He suns himself on a lounge chaise until Camille comes along and pours a pitcher of water on his head for no reason at all.
New plan. James spends the rest of the afternoon locked in the room he shares with Carlos, pouting, until Kendall comes to retrieve him.
His weight is soft and familiar when he sits beside James on his bed. “What’s going on with you?”
“I hate my life,” he tells Kendall, covering his face with a pillow so that Kendall won’t be able to read any more into it.
“You don’t hate your life. Is this about hockey? We’ll play next week. James, stop smothering yourself. James-“ Kendall snatches the pillow from his grasp. “You’re being dramatic.”
James glares at him.
“Do you want to go get a smoothie with me and Shane?”
“No.” James pouts.
“Suit yourself.” Kendall starts to walk away, and James can’t take the view of his receding back.
Objectively speaking, Kendall’s not exactly the most attractive guy on earth. His eyebrows are big and fuzzy and have a personality of their own, his hair is in dire need of styling, and he pretty much survives on the unhealthiest diet of junk food and smoothies that James has ever seen. He refuses to sit his pasty butt down in the sun long enough to get a real tan, he refuses to hang out with James at the gym, and he refuses to let James give him a manicure.
At least now he bathes on a regular basis. James remembers the hockey years, when Kendall thought it was perfectly acceptable to walk around smelling like eau de unwashed. And yet despite the fact that James’s inner fashionista screams in abject horror every time Kendall walks into a room, this section of James’s heart continues to claim that Kendall is the most gorgeous guy he has ever laid eyes on. It confounds him, completely.
He sits up. “Wait.”
Kendall turns, giving him that big, smirky grin of his that can really mean anything from I’m-about-to-unleash-hell-on-you to I’m-staring-at-this-girl’s-fantastic-tits to We’re-having-burgers-for-dinner. It’s that versatile. It even has the power to make James’s heart speed up.
“Knew you’d break.”
“I’m not breaking. Jus’ want a smoothie,” James says with a pout.
Maybe sugar will fix his mood.
Probably not.
“Sure,” Kendall drawls, “That’s the reason. Face it, James. No one knows you better than me. Except maybe Shane,” he concedes.
James frowns. He’s pretty sure neither of them know him very well at all.
Watching Kendall and Shane exchange banter over matching pink smoothies? Is hell.
On Wednesday, Kendall cons Gustavo into giving them the day off and forces Logan to play chauffeur while he drags Shane to the beach.
Never mind that James practically begged him to do the exact same thing a week before, and Kendall had dismissed the idea as
unprofessional.
They invited him along, of course, but James couldn’t stand the thought of getting in that car, to see the way that Kendall and Shane kept looking at each other, or to hear Logan and Shane’s constant bickering over some hunk of ice in the middle of space.
They still manage to draw James into that discussion, over dinner that night. It doesn’t go well.
“Pluto’s still the best. That’s why there’s a Disney character named after him.”
“The amount of how much I care is not at all,” James says.
“You’re not a Venus fan, are you?” Shane’s eyes widen with mock-horror.
“I don’t have a favorite planet.”
Both of them frown at him. “You poor soul.”
James wants to come back with a witty retort, but just then, Kendall’s foot brushes up against his beneath the table. He loses his train of thought.
Mostly because he realizes it’s the first time Kendall’s actually touched him in two days.
In his room that night, Carlos is in the midst of putting on a pair of sleep pants when he stops and asks, “Why haven’t you been hanging out with Shane, dude? He came to see you.”
“Are you sure about that?” James asks sullenly, because Kendall and Shane have been attached at the hip since his stupid brother stepped foot in the apartment. “Could have fooled me.”
Carlos frowns at him. He ties his pants and mutters, “You’re being dramatic.”
“I wish people would stop saying that.”
Carlos rolls his eyes. “Dude, your brother is awesome.”
“Awesome. Yeah. So I’ve heard.”
It’s not that James wants to be jealous of Shane. He’s perfectly capable of pinpointing every single one of his brother’s exceptional traits and acknowledging how great they are.
The problem is, so can everyone else. And no matter what, they always choose Shane. It doesn’t matter whether James meets a person first or knows them longer or has more in common with them. Inevitably, they’ll come to like Shane better, because Shane is likeable.
It’s not even just Shane. It’s Logan and Carlos and Kendall too. No one ever puts James first, other than James. People always ask why he’s a narcissist, and this is the reason: someone needs to love him best, and no one else is volunteering for the job. But it’s worse with Shane, because they’re identical. Because when people choose him, they’re not rejecting James because of his looks.
They’re rejecting him because of him. Because James’s personality just isn’t as good.
When they’re alone together, it’s the only time they’re on even ground, and even then. Shane makes James feel inferior. He hates it.
By Thursday, James is calling his mom, begging her to book a flight for Shane back to Seattle.
“James. Be nice to your brother. It’s a special week, and you’re being dramatic.”
“That’s what you always say,” James whines. That’s what everybody always says.
“And I’m always right,” his mother replies breezily. “Give your brother a chance.”
“You’re just saying that because you like him more.”
“Now you’re being ridiculous. I like you both equally.” She actually sniffles a little. “You’re my babies. If anything, I should be the one who’s sad, because you both l-left me. I should fly out there right now and-”
“Mom,” James groans, guilt a bad taste at the back of his mouth.
“James?” Mrs. Knight sounds surprised. She’s standing in the doorway to the apartment. “Aren’t you supposed to be at the park with Shane and the boys?”
“I’m on the phone with my mom,” James explains. He can almost hear his mother’s disapproval. Mrs. Knight perks up, snatching the phone away from James’s hand and exchanging a few happy words with James’s mom. Those happy words end with, “I’ll talk to him.”
James doesn’t like where this is going. Mrs. Knight lets James say goodbye to his mom, and then she settles beside him on the couch.
“You know, when Katie was born? Kendall hated her. Hated,” Mrs. Knight emphasizes, laughing. “He fingerpainted all her baby clothes and beheaded at least two of her dolls. He tried to bribe one of the neighbors into taking her.”
“Kendall loves Katie,” James objects.
“Now. He had six years as an only child. It took him a while to grow into being a big brother.”
Oh. James sees where this is going.
“Mrs. Knight, I’ve had seventeen years to grow into being Shane’s little brother. I don’t think anything is ever going to change.”
“James, sweetie. No one here thinks of you as Shane’s little brother except for you. Maybe that’s the problem.” She pats his cheek, all motherly and fond, and even though she terrifies him sometimes, James really misses his mom. He wishes he had more than her voice on the phone.
“Are you sure? What about-“ James swallows down the sudden onslaught of his fear. He wants to be honest. He likes being honest. “What
about Kendall? What if he decides he likes Shane better and leaves me behind?”
Mrs. Knight presses her fingers to her temple, nails a bright flare of red against her skin. “James. You sweet, silly boy. My son could never leave you behind.”
“Do you have a headache?” James asks, indicating where her fingertips are still digging into her skin.
Mrs. Knight smiles ruefully. “I have four teenage boys and a little girl who are all growing up too fast. I always have a headache.”
After she leaves, James thinks about it. He’s never outright rude to Shane. He doesn’t ignore any direct questions unless they hit too close to home, and it’s not like he sits around the apartment trying to bore laser holes into his brother’s back with his eyes. At least not when anyone’s looking. He just avoids being overly friendly. Which apparently is out of character and impolite and why can’t he just stop acting like a freakazoid, man?
At least that’s what Katie keeps asking him. James has caught Kendall, Carlos, and Logan nodding their agreement with that more than once. He’s even seen a tiny smile flit across Shane’s face.
And now Mrs. Knight.
“Isn’t a man allowed an off week?” James asks the empty apartment. Predictably, the only answer he gets is from the man selling OxiClean on the TV, and unless the answer to his question is that off weeks whiten whites and are safe for colors, the salesdude doesn’t seem to agree.
Whatever. James tries not to listen to Katie anyway. Boys make her go all gooey-eyed and soft. She keeps following Shane around, watching him like he’s chocolate cake.
The moon is high in the sky Thursday night when James feels the weight of someone standing over him, shadow pressing into his chest.
He knows it’s Shane without opening his eyes. No one else in the apartment has such a light step except Katie, and Katie has no reason to loom creepily over him in the middle of the night. Not since he repaid the last loan he took out from her.
“I know you’re awake,” Shane says. James doesn’t answer. “James.”
James squeezes his eyes more tightly shut, trying to regulate his breathing.
“James,” Shane repeats, sighing. He strokes a hand over James’s hair. “I wish you’d just talk to me, you know?”
James wishes he knew how.
On Friday, James proves Mrs. Knight knows fuck all about anything.
His day starts off pretty decent.
Okay, actually it starts out with Logan. Who is like, constructing a full scale model of the solar system, and wow, James is so glad he’s not smart and has better things to do with his time.
“What do you think?” Logan asks.
“Um. It’s got a lot of Styrofoam.”
“What do you think of Venus?” Logan holds up one of the balls closest to the middle.
“You bedazzled a planet? Wait, is that my bedazzler?” James demands.
“It’s not like I own one.” Logan smirks. “Found it in your underwear drawer.”
James frowns at him, because that’s a little bit gay. Logan ignores him in favor of fondling Venus. He explains, “I needed a place to hide my stash. Mrs. Knight’s doing room checks today.”
“Dude, you need to stop smoking that shit. Guitar Dude is the worst influence- wait, you stuck a dime bag in my underwear drawer?”
Logan shrugs. “Mrs. Knight stopped looking in there after she found that black satin man thong of yours. Why do you have a bedazzler?”
“Carlos gave it to me for my thirteenth birthday.”
So that ends up being his morning. Logan eventually gives up on his science project and wanders off poolside. James spends the next hour with his face hidden in an issue of Pop Tiger magazine, attempting to figure out who in their right minds thought Jett Stetson should have his own advice column.
The next time he looks up, Kendall’s standing in the kitchen, searching through his wallet.
“Are you going somewhere?” James asks, surprised. He doesn’t remember anyone mentioning anything about plans.
“We’re going to the movies.”
We’re. It’s a we that obviously doesn’t involve James.
“What movie?” James asks, a hard edge to his voice.
“Some weird thing that Shane wants to see. I think it’s a Woody Allen flick.” Kendall wrinkles his nose.
“It’s not weird,” Shane’s voice echoes down the hallway. He pops his head into the apartment, “Have you seen Logan? He’s supposed to hit up the hotdog stand with us before we head out.”
“I think he’s with Guitar Dude,” James pinches his thumb and forefinger together and presses them to his lips, inhaling. Shane laughs.
“Logan?” Kendall and James roll their eyes. “Wait, you’re serious?”
“California changes a man,” Kendall says. “James, you want chili cheese fries?”
Yes. James would love chili cheese fries. He would love to lick chili cheese off Kendall’s fingers.
“No,” James says, avoiding Shane’s eyes.
“I’m. Um. I’m going to go find- Logan,” Shane stutters, ducking out of the apartment again. Kendall frowns at James.
“Can I come to the movie?”
“You hate Woody Allen. You made obnoxious noises when Logan dragged us to see Match Point.”
“It was really bad.”
“I kno-“ Kendall catches himself, “I mean, no, you can’t come. You’re going to hate it.”
“You just want to spend more time with Shane.”
“Maybe I do,” Kendall says. “So?”
“He’s my brother.”
“Well you don’t seem to want to do anything with him. Have you even spent more than a minute alone in the same room with the guy?”
James feels awful, but he also feels mad. “How is that any of your business?”
Kendall takes a step forward, and now he’s up in James’s face, green-gray eyes flashing with anger. “Are you trying to get Shane to leave early? Because that’s what it looks like.”
James is a little bit shocked by the allegation, because no. He wants Shane to leave early, but that’s not why he hasn’t spent any time with him. He just can’t take being in the same room with Shane and Kendall together, knowing that they want to be- well, together.
James doesn’t know if he can take Kendall looking at him like that. Not this week, of all weeks. “No.”
“I don’t know if I believe you,” Kendall says. He stuffs his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans and makes for the door.
“Kendall, wait.”
“You know what? No. You’ve been acting like a complete ass. I don’t like bullies, James,” Kendall mumbles. He turns to the fridge, about to grab- something.
“Kendall-“ James tries to grab his arm, but Kendall yanks it away.
“Sort out your shit.”
James squeezes his eyes shut. He knew this would happen. He knew that Kendall would figure out that Shane is infinitely better.
---
James doesn’t get the chance to make apologies that day. Mostly because he hides in his room and marathons the Vampire Diaries until Carlos bounces up onto his bed and starts asking him to explain every plot point ever.
The next morning, though, James is in the midst of making party guacamole when he turns around and catches Kendall with his head ducked into the fridge, hand poised over a water bottle. The kid is quiet as any ninja. Except Kendall is stock still, staring at something. He asks, “Wait, what’s up with the cake? I thought you’d have like, sardine flavored ice cream for the party or something.” He pales. “Please tell me this is not sardine flavored ice cream cake.”
“It’s birthday cake flavored birthday cake,” James says shortly.
“Whose birthday is…” Kendall trails off. His body goes absolutely rigid. He breathes, “That’s why you wanted to have a party.”
James focuses pretty intently on his hands, going through all the motions of making his super orgasmic guacamole. He doesn’t want to see Kendall’s eyes right now. “You forgot. It’s okay. Everyone forgot this year.”
“Do you blame them? You’re usually running around telling everyone you’re going to be king of everything for an entire month.”
James wants to say he can’t be king of anything if Shane’s here. He doesn’t.
“It’s okay. We’ve been busy with tour and the new album and- stuff. We’ve been busy with stuff.” His voice totally doesn’t break or anything when he says that. James crushes avocado and tries not to think about other green things, like Kendall’s eyes.
“James, hey. Look at me.” Kendall sticks his finger in the cake, licking frosting off of his finger in one swift move. James is enthralled by the swipe of his tongue. He remembers the way Kendall tasted on his lips. “I didn’t forget.”
“What?”
“You don’t give me nearly enough credit, dude.” Kendall stands, pulling open the door to the oven and pulls out what James supposes is a present.
It looks like it was wrapped by a creature with no opposable thumbs.
“You hid my present in the oven?”
“No one ever looks in there.” Kendall shrugs. “Mom’s more likely to call Pizza Hut than actually cook something.”
James makes a grab for the present, but Kendall snatches it away, easy. He moves too fast for his own good. Stupid hockey captain. “Ah ah ah, it’s not your birthday yet. Tomorrow,” he promises.
“If you didn’t forget my birthday, why were you so shocked by the cake?”
Kendall blinks. “Sometimes I forget you and Shane are twins. His birthday might have, um. Slipped my mind.”
James doesn’t know what to say to that. “We’re identical.”
“Not to me.” Kendall shrugs.
If only that were true.
“James? I think it’s nice that you’re throwing Shane a birthday party.” He pauses. “It’d be nicer if you just spent some time with him.” Kendall grabs his flannel off of the arm of the chair. “I’ll be back in time for the party.”
He doesn’t sound happy about it.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to go shopping. God, I hate the mall.”
---
“Does your shirt have Pluto on it? You need to take that off right now.”
Shane frowns down at his t-shirt. “Pluto’s awesome.”
“It’s a hunk of ice in the middle of space. It’s incapable of being awesome.” Probably. James is a little fuzzy on the details about planets. He knows that there are nine of them. Or is it eight now? Whatever. He’s almost positive that Pluto’s cold, and that’s why people don’t live there. Like Alaska.
“Are you turning traitor on me?” Shane sounds offended. “Are you joining team Venus?”
“I’m not joining team anything because I’m not a geek. Now please put on some real clothes. You’re embarrassing me.” James spends ten minutes waiting for Shane to change, and when he comes back it’s actually even worse than what he started with. “You can’t wear that.”
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”
“It’s a sweater vest. What, did you raid Logan’s closet?”
Shane actually blushes.
“You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know. Wear that. We’re late.”
“This party was really unnecessary,” Shane says, hands on his hips.
“Could you please just try to enjoy this? It’s your birthday.”
“It’s our birthday,” Shane corrects.
“Nope, not mine until tomorrow,” James says. He gets this. He gets one day all to himself.
The night’s perfect. The sky is as clear as it ever is in Hollywood, kind of purple-blue beneath a layer of grayish smog, and James actually even spots a star. It’s probably enough to make Shane’s little dorky heart throb.
The breeze is soft and the air smells sweet. It’s the best kind of weather James could have asked for.
He walks side by side with Shane out the Palmwoods Park, grass rustling beneath his boots. When they arrive, the moon’s yellowed and huge in the sky, the last traces of an Indian summer poised to turn into a breezy California autumn. The hotel is completely ablaze in the distance. It’s warm, welcoming; everything it should be. It’s like the whole building proclaims come here, make your Hollywood dreams come true.
“Well. Um. The streamers are nice. And the, uh, lights.” Shane stares up at the fairy lights that James enlisted half the Palmwoods into stringing up. He did a good portion of them himself, while Shane was off at the movies or the beach or wherever with Kendall.
“Nice? That’s all you have to say?” The party is fantastic. It’s exactly what James wanted. Tyler totally hooked them up. The entire park is decked out in massive white screens, playing music videos from all the artsy bands Shane likes to listen to; the ones that never make it to the Grammys.
Shane doesn’t look impressed.
“What are they serving on those trays?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I’m asking because you do have a weakness for raw fish,” Shane says, wrinkling his nose. He’s never liked sushi. He is completely classless.
“It’s not raw fish. Probably,” James adds, just to mess with him.
“This was really unnecessary, you know.”
“Please. I wanted to show you a good time.”
And show off how well he gets along with Kendall. James isn’t sure if that part of the plan is going to work out.
“Really? Because this is the first I’ve heard of it.” Shane retorts wryly.
“Excuse me for trying to throw you a birthday party.”
“I would have rather just had something- quiet.”
“Well. Fine. Go quietly explore,” James pushes his brother towards the center of the crowd. He heads straight for the food. There are long tables laden down with all of Shane’s favorites, and despite what James said, there actually isn’t any raw fish. He triple checked.
“Great party,” Logan cheers, slinging an arm around his neck. “How did you pull this off without Bitters shutting it down?”
“Kelly.” James shrugs. “She’s my secret weapon. Does your shirt have Venus on it?”
“Yep.”
“Could you change into something else?” James hisses.
“Nope.” Logan grins like the undercover asshole he is. “I’m going to go find Shane.”
“Be nice, it’s his birthday!” James calls after him.
The back of Logan’s shirt says something about the best planet ever. How does he even associate with these dorks?
“Oh, nice like you’ve been to him?” Logan shoots back.
Jerk. James is nice. James threw Shane this party. It’s got Greek food. James doesn’t even know what feta is. It sounds like feet.
He spends a while playing host. He’s good at it. James is better at charming strangers than he’s ever been at making his own brother smile.
The party’s just about hitting its stride when James sees that there’s this guy from the Palmwoods School heckling Shane and Logan about something. He’s one of Oz’s friends; big and beefy and pretty much only capable of being typecast in psychopath roles. Unlike Oz, nerdy friendliness doesn’t seem to be doing anything to get through to his inner gooey chocolate center. Logan is very obviously trying to reason with him. Shane keeps clenching his fists like he wants to punch the dude in the face. James mirrors the action, fingernails cutting into his palm.
Shane won’t actually do anything, because he’s got the demeanor of a sweet tempered Pekinese, but James might.
He could. He thinks about going completely postal on the guy, but before he can decide on any kind of action, the kid walks away with Logan’s plate of pita.
Logan doesn’t look overly concerned by the disappearance of all of his Greek bread. If anything, it appears that he’s egging Shane on about Venus. Guitar Dude starts to walk in their general direction, but James calls out, “Wouldn’t do that.”
Guitar Dude glances up and down and all around, like he’s hearing disembodied voices.
“Dude,” James says, trying to catch his attention. Guitar Dude spins around. Finally.
“James. Bro. You’re not Logan.”
“I try not to be. Logan’s over there.” James points.
“My dealer just hooked me up with some crazy shit, man. Crazy,” Guitar Dude says. “Do you think Logan wants-“
“I think Logan’s busy right now,” James says, “Unless you know a lot about Venus.”
“De Milo?”
“Is that an actress?”
“Venus is like, the hottest planet ever,” Guitar Dude says. “Logan told me.”
“Of course he did. But look. Logan’s arguing with-“
“Is that you? James, there’s two of you.”
“No, that’s my brother.”
“Like, your evil twin, right? Yeah, man, catching your drift.”
“What’s my drift again?”
“Exactly. Righteous, man. Righteous,” Guitar Dude says. And then he wanders off.
James isn’t really sure what just happened, but he does know that Shane looks happier bickering with Logan than he has for most of the week. James likes Guitar Dude, but if it came down between him and his brother, he’s going to choose Shane every time. He’s got some family loyalty.
Besides, Logan’s been toking up way too much lately. James has serious concerns about the future of all of his homework assignments.
James turns towards the food tables. Time to find out what feta is.
Or not.
“Good job breaking up that argument with the friendly giant. Oh wait, you didn’t,” Kendall says coolly.
It takes James a second to figure out what he’s talking about. He’s still reeling from trying to translate stoner speak. “I didn’t see you swooping in to save the day, Spiderman.”
“Would’ve, if Shane and Logan were about to get shaken down for their cash instead of, you know, bread.”
“Logan can take care of himself.” Kind of.
“Shane can’t.”
“Yeah, well.” James takes a sip of the soda he’s been nursing for most of the night. “Good thing nothing happened.”
His voice is colder than he means it to be. A lot colder.
“Oh, hell, James. What is going on with you?”
“Nothing.” James crushes the aluminum in his hand, feeling it crinkle like paper against his palm. He tosses it into the nearest trash can and starts marching towards the pool. He tries to ignore the unhurried footfalls behind him.
James plops down on the concrete, crossing his legs. He stares at the pool light and tries to think up a way to appease Kendall.
He’s not coming up with much.
“Alright. What’s wrong?” Kendall dangles his feet in the water, legs spot lit gold. James shrugs, leaning back on his palms. “James, come on. You’re my best friend. You’ve been insane all week. Tell me what’s going on.”
James wants to tell him. More than anything. He’s bad at holding things in, and this secret he’s kept to himself for years now. But he doesn’t want Kendall to hate him. He doesn’t want to ruin the memory of that kiss, of his very first kiss.
“Is it Shane?” Kendall asks shrewdly. “I know he gets to you.”
“Do you?” James asks, and it’s a little sardonic, because he’s pretty sure Kendall has no idea how Shane affects him.
“Why are you being such an asshole, man? Shane’s going to leave if you keep acting like this.”
“Oh, and that would be a shame,” James drawls, a bit miffed that the name calling has escalated to include cusswords.
Kendall’s face is backlit by the pool lights, shadows and gold moving over his face in a reflection of underwater currents. His frown grows
deeper, the shadows overtaking everything, and he says, “Come again?”
“You heard me.”
“You don’t want Shane to stay?”
“I-“
“He’s your brother, James. He loves you.”
“I hate him,” James bites out, even though it’s a lie. He’s never been able to fully hate Shane, no matter how much he wants to. It would be like hating himself, and James is too much of a narcissist for that.
“You don’t mean that,” Kendall replies levelly. James closes his mouth and settles for glaring. He’s got a fierce glare. Kendall is not adequately impressed. “Why would you even say something like that?”
Kendall actually looks disappointed in him.
“Because-“ James’s voice catches in his throat. “Because I hate how much you care about him and his stupid feelings, alright?”
“James.”
“I know, it’s none of my fucking business, but-“
“James.” Kendall catches James’s face between his hands, thumbs stroking rough and dry over his cheekbones. “Look at me. I care about you, too.”
“But Shane-“
“Shane is my friend, and his feelings are important, but James. I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for you, dude. How do you think you’re going to feel if you drive your brother out of California? You’re going to ruin your relationship with him. Don’t even try to pretend that won’t kill you.”
James tries to glance away, to the pool or a stray palm tree or anything that will distract him from Kendall’s luminescent eyes. It’s not fair that he can be so earnest and attractive all at the same time.
“Just-“ James shakes his head, trying to tear free of Kendall’s grip. “Go back to the park. Go be with Shane.”
“Fuck Shane,” Kendall says, dropping his hands, but still pinning James down with a piercing look. “Tell me what’s really wrong.”
“I already told you-“
“You didn’t.”
“I did. I fucking told you.”
“When? What did you tell me?” Kendall asks, anger evident in his stance and his expression and the sharp edges of his words.
“Stop.” James says, voice soft, and he means a lot of things. Stop yelling at me. Stop looking at me like that. Stop feeling the way you do.
“Just stop.”
“Stop what, James-“
“Stop being in love with him, okay?” The words rip from his throat. He doesn’t sound mad. He sounds exhausted. He doesn’t even sound like himself.
Kendall’s eyes go wide, realization a flash of lighting across his face, and there. James has screwed everything up, just like he always knew he would. He’s not perfect. He’s not Shane.
Kendall breathes, “You idiot.”
And then he’s crushing his mouth against James’s, kissing him hard and fast and desperate. Except James kind of isn’t expecting it, so he topples back into the pool, Kendall still attached to his lips. The world turns to bubbles and a single spot of warmth. Kendall. James sinks down to the bottom of the pool, all the air pushed form his lungs and into Kendall’s, who is still kissing him, hands hot around his biceps. James’s fingers go up to fist in the front of Kendall’s button down, and he can’t breathe, can’t see; blackness is creeping in on the edges of his vision. But he pulls Kendall closer and kisses him back, until drowning becomes a very real possibility.
Kendall is the one who puts space between them, hauling James up to the surface of the pool, where a spider web of moonlight dances across the surface of the water. And then he’s kissing James again, harder now, tongue curling soft into his mouth, right there in the Caribbean blue of chlorinated water and James is more than a little dazed.
“I-“ James breaks from the kiss, trying to remember to breathe. “I have to tell you something.”
So he does. And when he’s done, it’s not a great, big, terrible thing.
“James,” Kendall laughs, loud and delighted. It reverberates across the concrete, echoing poolside. His reaction stings a little, until Kendall continues, “How could you even for a second think that I didn’t know it was you?”
“What?” Kendall’s gaze goes all fond and he strokes a hand across James’s cheek. “I thought- oh god,” Kendall’s laughing harder now. “I thought you just wanted to be friends. But you just thought you tricked me into believing you were Shane?”
“It’s not that funny,” James says petulantly.
Kendall seems to disagree. He’s gasping for breath and he grins at James and says, “James, you should know how I feel about you.”
“Should I? Because you never say anything. How am I supposed to know if you don’t say anything? I’m not- intuitive, or whatever.” He bites his lip. “How do you feel about me?”
Kendall sighs, all soft and smirking. “We’ve wasted so much time. We need to fix that.”
He kisses James again, like somehow they can make up for all the years in between that first kiss and now.
James figures they can try.
---
The large kid is back, bugging Shane and Logan. He’s calling Shane names now. Really loudly. James looks at Kendall.
“Go.”
It’s not an order, but it doesn’t have to be. The kid’s got his hand resting on Shane’s shoulder, and Shane looks like he wants to rearrange his teeth. He’s so scrawny; like a shade of James.
“Dude, get your hands off of my brother,” James shoves the kid.
“What’s your problem, Diamond?”
James looks the kid up and down. The best retort he’s got involves your face, but he feels like he needs a diplomatic solution here.
So instead of saying it, he punches him in the face.
The kid stumbles back, knocking over a punch bowl and taking out a full string of lights. He looks pissed. James is suddenly seeing a lot of running in his future. Except then he feels Kendall come to stand behind him, all cracking fists and silent fury. Logan’s at his side in
seconds, and then Carlos pops out of wherever it is that Carlos has been hiding.
Four on one are pretty good odds.
The bully runs.
Kendall slings his arm around James’s shoulders, nuzzling into his neck. “Good boy.”
“Oh, thank god,” Shane groans, relief flooding his features. James blinks. “It’s about time.”
Kendall grins at both of them and announces, “I think you two need to talk. I’ll uh- go- um. Logan? Carlos? Let’s go.”
“Why’d you hit that guy?” Shane exhales, his thin shoulders slumping forward with relief.
“I don’t like bullies,” either, he’s thinking, an echo of Kendall’s earlier words. “And- dude, you’re my brother.” James rubs his knuckles. “I’m sorry I was a douchebag.”
Shane rolls his eyes. “You can’t apologize for being you.”
“Hey!”
“I get it though. Kendall,” Shane says by way of explanation. “Why are you wet?”
James is not blushing. “Um. No reason. You…knew about Kendall? How?”
“You think I didn’t see how you felt about him? I’m not blind, James. From the second you dragged me to watch your stupid hockey games, I knew.”
“Hockey is not-“
“It’s stupid. One day you’re going to break your face and I’m going to win this argument.” Shane shakes his head. “Hey, do you ever feel like Logan took up hockey just to spite me?”
“No.” James rolls his eyes. The competition between the two of them is getting old. “You’ve got a lot of things to say about Logan.”
“You’ve got a lot of things to say about Kendall,” Shane replies fondly. “You think you’re so mysterious, but I know you better than you know yourself.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Shane gives him a look. “I’m your big brother. It’s my job.”
“You’re like, a minute older than me.” Shane grins, and it’s not a perfect mirror of James’s, but it’s familiar. James remembers that he used to look up to that smile, to his not-quite-big brother. It’s this shadowy memory in the back of his mind. He hasn’t thought about that for a long, long time. “Hey. Um. Do you like Seattle?”
“I do,” Shane says.
“Doesn’t it rain a lot?”
“You know me. I was never cut out for the sunshine. Monsoons do wonders for my complexion.”
“It continues to astound me that we’re related.”
“We’re not that different.” Shane bumps their shoulders together. “I’m not here to ruin your life, James. I’m here because you’re my brother, and I love you.”
“I know that. I may be a sucktastic brother, but this isn’t my party. It’s for you.”
Mostly.
Shane smiles, all wide open and happy. James wears that same exact grin, and maybe they really aren’t that different after all. “I know. James?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m down for another week. Maybe we could, you know, spend it together?” Shane looks hopeful. “I came to see you. Not Kendall, dude. You.”
“Deal. Some birthday.”
“I don’t even think it’s mine anymore. It’s midnight.”
James glances up at the moon, like he can figure out what kind of scientific voodoo Shane used to reach that conclusion.
A sound distracts him.
Shane can’t sing.
Okay, that’s a lie. He can, kind of, in an unpolished, raw sort of way. Unlike James, he’s never had any interest at all in strengthening his voice, and as they’ve grown, the differences have started to show. When Shane launches into Happy Birthday, he’s scratchy and a bit off key.
Weirdly enough, James doesn’t mind too much.
---
Author:
garnetice
Pairing: Kendall/James, minor Logan/Shane
Part: Two of Two (Go to Part One)
Rating: G (no really, it's G. Except for like, two bad words)
Word Count: 12, 962 (Part Two - 6,366)
Warnings: Bad words, twin tropes
Summary: James finds Shane curled up on his bed. He didn’t go back to their dad’s. James wonders whether Shane’s waiting for news of how it went with Kendall or if he’s just waiting for James. James decides, just this once, that he’ll pretend it’s the latter. He pulls back the
covers, shucking his shirt and jeans and sliding into bed. His skin is cold and clammy, but Shane is warm, slow breathing and a gentle
heartbeat. James snuggles up against him. He falls asleep watching the soft rise and fall of his brother’s chest, caught somewhere between hate and love. When James wakes up in the morning, Shane is already gone.
Disclaimer: BTR is not mine. Nor is iCarly.
Author's Notes: Um. So. I started this back in March. And then I promptly forgot about it. But I like the whole concept of Shane being related to James (props to whoever pioneered that), and I like writing backstory for everything ever. Eventually this fic nagged me to death until I completed it. Tada! A thousand thanks to
goten0040, who was this story's fantastic beta. Also because she has has listened to me go on and on about how Sweet Valley was like, the foundation of my youth and how I'm totally jealous of her general state of twinship.
---
The week progresses exactly the way James expected and dreaded.
On Tuesday, James is fully prepared to carry on with his life, or at least his previous plans with Kendall. That doesn’t end well. Kendall stumbles out of his room near noon, sleepy eyed, Shane at his back.
“Why are you wearing your hockey jersey?”
“We were going to play one on one,” James reminds him, because he likes to be helpful.
“Yeah, but- that was before Shane came.”
Right. James deflates, like a balloon, which is silly, because it’s just hockey. The one thing that Kendall has never, ever turned down in his entire life and okay, yeah. James finds this mildly irritating. Shane shifts from foot to foot behind Kendall’s shoulder and mutters, “We don’t actually have to go to the-“
“No. The farmer’s market is like, a landmark. We have to go. James, why don’t you come with us? Shane hasn’t been sightseeing here, ever.”
“What is there to see? It’s LA. We’ve got smog and palm trees,” James replies sullenly. He shucks his jersey, right there in the middle of the living room and glares. Then he starts working on his pants. Kendall looks like he’s temporarily forgotten what words are. “I’m going to the pool.”
James isn’t sulking. Just because Kendall and Shane are having like, farmer’s market dates and acting like newlyweds doesn’t mean
James can’t have fun too. He’s going to get all squeaky clean and do something super amazing.
He ends up spending half an hour searching for a dry bathing suit. Eventually he borrows one of Carlos’s, which is weirdly loose on the waist and tight in the ass. He suns himself on a lounge chaise until Camille comes along and pours a pitcher of water on his head for no reason at all.
New plan. James spends the rest of the afternoon locked in the room he shares with Carlos, pouting, until Kendall comes to retrieve him.
His weight is soft and familiar when he sits beside James on his bed. “What’s going on with you?”
“I hate my life,” he tells Kendall, covering his face with a pillow so that Kendall won’t be able to read any more into it.
“You don’t hate your life. Is this about hockey? We’ll play next week. James, stop smothering yourself. James-“ Kendall snatches the pillow from his grasp. “You’re being dramatic.”
James glares at him.
“Do you want to go get a smoothie with me and Shane?”
“No.” James pouts.
“Suit yourself.” Kendall starts to walk away, and James can’t take the view of his receding back.
Objectively speaking, Kendall’s not exactly the most attractive guy on earth. His eyebrows are big and fuzzy and have a personality of their own, his hair is in dire need of styling, and he pretty much survives on the unhealthiest diet of junk food and smoothies that James has ever seen. He refuses to sit his pasty butt down in the sun long enough to get a real tan, he refuses to hang out with James at the gym, and he refuses to let James give him a manicure.
At least now he bathes on a regular basis. James remembers the hockey years, when Kendall thought it was perfectly acceptable to walk around smelling like eau de unwashed. And yet despite the fact that James’s inner fashionista screams in abject horror every time Kendall walks into a room, this section of James’s heart continues to claim that Kendall is the most gorgeous guy he has ever laid eyes on. It confounds him, completely.
He sits up. “Wait.”
Kendall turns, giving him that big, smirky grin of his that can really mean anything from I’m-about-to-unleash-hell-on-you to I’m-staring-at-this-girl’s-fantastic-tits to We’re-having-burgers-for-dinner. It’s that versatile. It even has the power to make James’s heart speed up.
“Knew you’d break.”
“I’m not breaking. Jus’ want a smoothie,” James says with a pout.
Maybe sugar will fix his mood.
Probably not.
“Sure,” Kendall drawls, “That’s the reason. Face it, James. No one knows you better than me. Except maybe Shane,” he concedes.
James frowns. He’s pretty sure neither of them know him very well at all.
Watching Kendall and Shane exchange banter over matching pink smoothies? Is hell.
On Wednesday, Kendall cons Gustavo into giving them the day off and forces Logan to play chauffeur while he drags Shane to the beach.
Never mind that James practically begged him to do the exact same thing a week before, and Kendall had dismissed the idea as
unprofessional.
They invited him along, of course, but James couldn’t stand the thought of getting in that car, to see the way that Kendall and Shane kept looking at each other, or to hear Logan and Shane’s constant bickering over some hunk of ice in the middle of space.
They still manage to draw James into that discussion, over dinner that night. It doesn’t go well.
“Pluto’s still the best. That’s why there’s a Disney character named after him.”
“The amount of how much I care is not at all,” James says.
“You’re not a Venus fan, are you?” Shane’s eyes widen with mock-horror.
“I don’t have a favorite planet.”
Both of them frown at him. “You poor soul.”
James wants to come back with a witty retort, but just then, Kendall’s foot brushes up against his beneath the table. He loses his train of thought.
Mostly because he realizes it’s the first time Kendall’s actually touched him in two days.
In his room that night, Carlos is in the midst of putting on a pair of sleep pants when he stops and asks, “Why haven’t you been hanging out with Shane, dude? He came to see you.”
“Are you sure about that?” James asks sullenly, because Kendall and Shane have been attached at the hip since his stupid brother stepped foot in the apartment. “Could have fooled me.”
Carlos frowns at him. He ties his pants and mutters, “You’re being dramatic.”
“I wish people would stop saying that.”
Carlos rolls his eyes. “Dude, your brother is awesome.”
“Awesome. Yeah. So I’ve heard.”
It’s not that James wants to be jealous of Shane. He’s perfectly capable of pinpointing every single one of his brother’s exceptional traits and acknowledging how great they are.
The problem is, so can everyone else. And no matter what, they always choose Shane. It doesn’t matter whether James meets a person first or knows them longer or has more in common with them. Inevitably, they’ll come to like Shane better, because Shane is likeable.
It’s not even just Shane. It’s Logan and Carlos and Kendall too. No one ever puts James first, other than James. People always ask why he’s a narcissist, and this is the reason: someone needs to love him best, and no one else is volunteering for the job. But it’s worse with Shane, because they’re identical. Because when people choose him, they’re not rejecting James because of his looks.
They’re rejecting him because of him. Because James’s personality just isn’t as good.
When they’re alone together, it’s the only time they’re on even ground, and even then. Shane makes James feel inferior. He hates it.
By Thursday, James is calling his mom, begging her to book a flight for Shane back to Seattle.
“James. Be nice to your brother. It’s a special week, and you’re being dramatic.”
“That’s what you always say,” James whines. That’s what everybody always says.
“And I’m always right,” his mother replies breezily. “Give your brother a chance.”
“You’re just saying that because you like him more.”
“Now you’re being ridiculous. I like you both equally.” She actually sniffles a little. “You’re my babies. If anything, I should be the one who’s sad, because you both l-left me. I should fly out there right now and-”
“Mom,” James groans, guilt a bad taste at the back of his mouth.
“James?” Mrs. Knight sounds surprised. She’s standing in the doorway to the apartment. “Aren’t you supposed to be at the park with Shane and the boys?”
“I’m on the phone with my mom,” James explains. He can almost hear his mother’s disapproval. Mrs. Knight perks up, snatching the phone away from James’s hand and exchanging a few happy words with James’s mom. Those happy words end with, “I’ll talk to him.”
James doesn’t like where this is going. Mrs. Knight lets James say goodbye to his mom, and then she settles beside him on the couch.
“You know, when Katie was born? Kendall hated her. Hated,” Mrs. Knight emphasizes, laughing. “He fingerpainted all her baby clothes and beheaded at least two of her dolls. He tried to bribe one of the neighbors into taking her.”
“Kendall loves Katie,” James objects.
“Now. He had six years as an only child. It took him a while to grow into being a big brother.”
Oh. James sees where this is going.
“Mrs. Knight, I’ve had seventeen years to grow into being Shane’s little brother. I don’t think anything is ever going to change.”
“James, sweetie. No one here thinks of you as Shane’s little brother except for you. Maybe that’s the problem.” She pats his cheek, all motherly and fond, and even though she terrifies him sometimes, James really misses his mom. He wishes he had more than her voice on the phone.
“Are you sure? What about-“ James swallows down the sudden onslaught of his fear. He wants to be honest. He likes being honest. “What
about Kendall? What if he decides he likes Shane better and leaves me behind?”
Mrs. Knight presses her fingers to her temple, nails a bright flare of red against her skin. “James. You sweet, silly boy. My son could never leave you behind.”
“Do you have a headache?” James asks, indicating where her fingertips are still digging into her skin.
Mrs. Knight smiles ruefully. “I have four teenage boys and a little girl who are all growing up too fast. I always have a headache.”
After she leaves, James thinks about it. He’s never outright rude to Shane. He doesn’t ignore any direct questions unless they hit too close to home, and it’s not like he sits around the apartment trying to bore laser holes into his brother’s back with his eyes. At least not when anyone’s looking. He just avoids being overly friendly. Which apparently is out of character and impolite and why can’t he just stop acting like a freakazoid, man?
At least that’s what Katie keeps asking him. James has caught Kendall, Carlos, and Logan nodding their agreement with that more than once. He’s even seen a tiny smile flit across Shane’s face.
And now Mrs. Knight.
“Isn’t a man allowed an off week?” James asks the empty apartment. Predictably, the only answer he gets is from the man selling OxiClean on the TV, and unless the answer to his question is that off weeks whiten whites and are safe for colors, the salesdude doesn’t seem to agree.
Whatever. James tries not to listen to Katie anyway. Boys make her go all gooey-eyed and soft. She keeps following Shane around, watching him like he’s chocolate cake.
The moon is high in the sky Thursday night when James feels the weight of someone standing over him, shadow pressing into his chest.
He knows it’s Shane without opening his eyes. No one else in the apartment has such a light step except Katie, and Katie has no reason to loom creepily over him in the middle of the night. Not since he repaid the last loan he took out from her.
“I know you’re awake,” Shane says. James doesn’t answer. “James.”
James squeezes his eyes more tightly shut, trying to regulate his breathing.
“James,” Shane repeats, sighing. He strokes a hand over James’s hair. “I wish you’d just talk to me, you know?”
James wishes he knew how.
On Friday, James proves Mrs. Knight knows fuck all about anything.
His day starts off pretty decent.
Okay, actually it starts out with Logan. Who is like, constructing a full scale model of the solar system, and wow, James is so glad he’s not smart and has better things to do with his time.
“What do you think?” Logan asks.
“Um. It’s got a lot of Styrofoam.”
“What do you think of Venus?” Logan holds up one of the balls closest to the middle.
“You bedazzled a planet? Wait, is that my bedazzler?” James demands.
“It’s not like I own one.” Logan smirks. “Found it in your underwear drawer.”
James frowns at him, because that’s a little bit gay. Logan ignores him in favor of fondling Venus. He explains, “I needed a place to hide my stash. Mrs. Knight’s doing room checks today.”
“Dude, you need to stop smoking that shit. Guitar Dude is the worst influence- wait, you stuck a dime bag in my underwear drawer?”
Logan shrugs. “Mrs. Knight stopped looking in there after she found that black satin man thong of yours. Why do you have a bedazzler?”
“Carlos gave it to me for my thirteenth birthday.”
So that ends up being his morning. Logan eventually gives up on his science project and wanders off poolside. James spends the next hour with his face hidden in an issue of Pop Tiger magazine, attempting to figure out who in their right minds thought Jett Stetson should have his own advice column.
The next time he looks up, Kendall’s standing in the kitchen, searching through his wallet.
“Are you going somewhere?” James asks, surprised. He doesn’t remember anyone mentioning anything about plans.
“We’re going to the movies.”
We’re. It’s a we that obviously doesn’t involve James.
“What movie?” James asks, a hard edge to his voice.
“Some weird thing that Shane wants to see. I think it’s a Woody Allen flick.” Kendall wrinkles his nose.
“It’s not weird,” Shane’s voice echoes down the hallway. He pops his head into the apartment, “Have you seen Logan? He’s supposed to hit up the hotdog stand with us before we head out.”
“I think he’s with Guitar Dude,” James pinches his thumb and forefinger together and presses them to his lips, inhaling. Shane laughs.
“Logan?” Kendall and James roll their eyes. “Wait, you’re serious?”
“California changes a man,” Kendall says. “James, you want chili cheese fries?”
Yes. James would love chili cheese fries. He would love to lick chili cheese off Kendall’s fingers.
“No,” James says, avoiding Shane’s eyes.
“I’m. Um. I’m going to go find- Logan,” Shane stutters, ducking out of the apartment again. Kendall frowns at James.
“Can I come to the movie?”
“You hate Woody Allen. You made obnoxious noises when Logan dragged us to see Match Point.”
“It was really bad.”
“I kno-“ Kendall catches himself, “I mean, no, you can’t come. You’re going to hate it.”
“You just want to spend more time with Shane.”
“Maybe I do,” Kendall says. “So?”
“He’s my brother.”
“Well you don’t seem to want to do anything with him. Have you even spent more than a minute alone in the same room with the guy?”
James feels awful, but he also feels mad. “How is that any of your business?”
Kendall takes a step forward, and now he’s up in James’s face, green-gray eyes flashing with anger. “Are you trying to get Shane to leave early? Because that’s what it looks like.”
James is a little bit shocked by the allegation, because no. He wants Shane to leave early, but that’s not why he hasn’t spent any time with him. He just can’t take being in the same room with Shane and Kendall together, knowing that they want to be- well, together.
James doesn’t know if he can take Kendall looking at him like that. Not this week, of all weeks. “No.”
“I don’t know if I believe you,” Kendall says. He stuffs his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans and makes for the door.
“Kendall, wait.”
“You know what? No. You’ve been acting like a complete ass. I don’t like bullies, James,” Kendall mumbles. He turns to the fridge, about to grab- something.
“Kendall-“ James tries to grab his arm, but Kendall yanks it away.
“Sort out your shit.”
James squeezes his eyes shut. He knew this would happen. He knew that Kendall would figure out that Shane is infinitely better.
---
James doesn’t get the chance to make apologies that day. Mostly because he hides in his room and marathons the Vampire Diaries until Carlos bounces up onto his bed and starts asking him to explain every plot point ever.
The next morning, though, James is in the midst of making party guacamole when he turns around and catches Kendall with his head ducked into the fridge, hand poised over a water bottle. The kid is quiet as any ninja. Except Kendall is stock still, staring at something. He asks, “Wait, what’s up with the cake? I thought you’d have like, sardine flavored ice cream for the party or something.” He pales. “Please tell me this is not sardine flavored ice cream cake.”
“It’s birthday cake flavored birthday cake,” James says shortly.
“Whose birthday is…” Kendall trails off. His body goes absolutely rigid. He breathes, “That’s why you wanted to have a party.”
James focuses pretty intently on his hands, going through all the motions of making his super orgasmic guacamole. He doesn’t want to see Kendall’s eyes right now. “You forgot. It’s okay. Everyone forgot this year.”
“Do you blame them? You’re usually running around telling everyone you’re going to be king of everything for an entire month.”
James wants to say he can’t be king of anything if Shane’s here. He doesn’t.
“It’s okay. We’ve been busy with tour and the new album and- stuff. We’ve been busy with stuff.” His voice totally doesn’t break or anything when he says that. James crushes avocado and tries not to think about other green things, like Kendall’s eyes.
“James, hey. Look at me.” Kendall sticks his finger in the cake, licking frosting off of his finger in one swift move. James is enthralled by the swipe of his tongue. He remembers the way Kendall tasted on his lips. “I didn’t forget.”
“What?”
“You don’t give me nearly enough credit, dude.” Kendall stands, pulling open the door to the oven and pulls out what James supposes is a present.
It looks like it was wrapped by a creature with no opposable thumbs.
“You hid my present in the oven?”
“No one ever looks in there.” Kendall shrugs. “Mom’s more likely to call Pizza Hut than actually cook something.”
James makes a grab for the present, but Kendall snatches it away, easy. He moves too fast for his own good. Stupid hockey captain. “Ah ah ah, it’s not your birthday yet. Tomorrow,” he promises.
“If you didn’t forget my birthday, why were you so shocked by the cake?”
Kendall blinks. “Sometimes I forget you and Shane are twins. His birthday might have, um. Slipped my mind.”
James doesn’t know what to say to that. “We’re identical.”
“Not to me.” Kendall shrugs.
If only that were true.
“James? I think it’s nice that you’re throwing Shane a birthday party.” He pauses. “It’d be nicer if you just spent some time with him.” Kendall grabs his flannel off of the arm of the chair. “I’ll be back in time for the party.”
He doesn’t sound happy about it.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to go shopping. God, I hate the mall.”
---
“Does your shirt have Pluto on it? You need to take that off right now.”
Shane frowns down at his t-shirt. “Pluto’s awesome.”
“It’s a hunk of ice in the middle of space. It’s incapable of being awesome.” Probably. James is a little fuzzy on the details about planets. He knows that there are nine of them. Or is it eight now? Whatever. He’s almost positive that Pluto’s cold, and that’s why people don’t live there. Like Alaska.
“Are you turning traitor on me?” Shane sounds offended. “Are you joining team Venus?”
“I’m not joining team anything because I’m not a geek. Now please put on some real clothes. You’re embarrassing me.” James spends ten minutes waiting for Shane to change, and when he comes back it’s actually even worse than what he started with. “You can’t wear that.”
“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”
“It’s a sweater vest. What, did you raid Logan’s closet?”
Shane actually blushes.
“You know what? Never mind. I don’t want to know. Wear that. We’re late.”
“This party was really unnecessary,” Shane says, hands on his hips.
“Could you please just try to enjoy this? It’s your birthday.”
“It’s our birthday,” Shane corrects.
“Nope, not mine until tomorrow,” James says. He gets this. He gets one day all to himself.
The night’s perfect. The sky is as clear as it ever is in Hollywood, kind of purple-blue beneath a layer of grayish smog, and James actually even spots a star. It’s probably enough to make Shane’s little dorky heart throb.
The breeze is soft and the air smells sweet. It’s the best kind of weather James could have asked for.
He walks side by side with Shane out the Palmwoods Park, grass rustling beneath his boots. When they arrive, the moon’s yellowed and huge in the sky, the last traces of an Indian summer poised to turn into a breezy California autumn. The hotel is completely ablaze in the distance. It’s warm, welcoming; everything it should be. It’s like the whole building proclaims come here, make your Hollywood dreams come true.
“Well. Um. The streamers are nice. And the, uh, lights.” Shane stares up at the fairy lights that James enlisted half the Palmwoods into stringing up. He did a good portion of them himself, while Shane was off at the movies or the beach or wherever with Kendall.
“Nice? That’s all you have to say?” The party is fantastic. It’s exactly what James wanted. Tyler totally hooked them up. The entire park is decked out in massive white screens, playing music videos from all the artsy bands Shane likes to listen to; the ones that never make it to the Grammys.
Shane doesn’t look impressed.
“What are they serving on those trays?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I’m asking because you do have a weakness for raw fish,” Shane says, wrinkling his nose. He’s never liked sushi. He is completely classless.
“It’s not raw fish. Probably,” James adds, just to mess with him.
“This was really unnecessary, you know.”
“Please. I wanted to show you a good time.”
And show off how well he gets along with Kendall. James isn’t sure if that part of the plan is going to work out.
“Really? Because this is the first I’ve heard of it.” Shane retorts wryly.
“Excuse me for trying to throw you a birthday party.”
“I would have rather just had something- quiet.”
“Well. Fine. Go quietly explore,” James pushes his brother towards the center of the crowd. He heads straight for the food. There are long tables laden down with all of Shane’s favorites, and despite what James said, there actually isn’t any raw fish. He triple checked.
“Great party,” Logan cheers, slinging an arm around his neck. “How did you pull this off without Bitters shutting it down?”
“Kelly.” James shrugs. “She’s my secret weapon. Does your shirt have Venus on it?”
“Yep.”
“Could you change into something else?” James hisses.
“Nope.” Logan grins like the undercover asshole he is. “I’m going to go find Shane.”
“Be nice, it’s his birthday!” James calls after him.
The back of Logan’s shirt says something about the best planet ever. How does he even associate with these dorks?
“Oh, nice like you’ve been to him?” Logan shoots back.
Jerk. James is nice. James threw Shane this party. It’s got Greek food. James doesn’t even know what feta is. It sounds like feet.
He spends a while playing host. He’s good at it. James is better at charming strangers than he’s ever been at making his own brother smile.
The party’s just about hitting its stride when James sees that there’s this guy from the Palmwoods School heckling Shane and Logan about something. He’s one of Oz’s friends; big and beefy and pretty much only capable of being typecast in psychopath roles. Unlike Oz, nerdy friendliness doesn’t seem to be doing anything to get through to his inner gooey chocolate center. Logan is very obviously trying to reason with him. Shane keeps clenching his fists like he wants to punch the dude in the face. James mirrors the action, fingernails cutting into his palm.
Shane won’t actually do anything, because he’s got the demeanor of a sweet tempered Pekinese, but James might.
He could. He thinks about going completely postal on the guy, but before he can decide on any kind of action, the kid walks away with Logan’s plate of pita.
Logan doesn’t look overly concerned by the disappearance of all of his Greek bread. If anything, it appears that he’s egging Shane on about Venus. Guitar Dude starts to walk in their general direction, but James calls out, “Wouldn’t do that.”
Guitar Dude glances up and down and all around, like he’s hearing disembodied voices.
“Dude,” James says, trying to catch his attention. Guitar Dude spins around. Finally.
“James. Bro. You’re not Logan.”
“I try not to be. Logan’s over there.” James points.
“My dealer just hooked me up with some crazy shit, man. Crazy,” Guitar Dude says. “Do you think Logan wants-“
“I think Logan’s busy right now,” James says, “Unless you know a lot about Venus.”
“De Milo?”
“Is that an actress?”
“Venus is like, the hottest planet ever,” Guitar Dude says. “Logan told me.”
“Of course he did. But look. Logan’s arguing with-“
“Is that you? James, there’s two of you.”
“No, that’s my brother.”
“Like, your evil twin, right? Yeah, man, catching your drift.”
“What’s my drift again?”
“Exactly. Righteous, man. Righteous,” Guitar Dude says. And then he wanders off.
James isn’t really sure what just happened, but he does know that Shane looks happier bickering with Logan than he has for most of the week. James likes Guitar Dude, but if it came down between him and his brother, he’s going to choose Shane every time. He’s got some family loyalty.
Besides, Logan’s been toking up way too much lately. James has serious concerns about the future of all of his homework assignments.
James turns towards the food tables. Time to find out what feta is.
Or not.
“Good job breaking up that argument with the friendly giant. Oh wait, you didn’t,” Kendall says coolly.
It takes James a second to figure out what he’s talking about. He’s still reeling from trying to translate stoner speak. “I didn’t see you swooping in to save the day, Spiderman.”
“Would’ve, if Shane and Logan were about to get shaken down for their cash instead of, you know, bread.”
“Logan can take care of himself.” Kind of.
“Shane can’t.”
“Yeah, well.” James takes a sip of the soda he’s been nursing for most of the night. “Good thing nothing happened.”
His voice is colder than he means it to be. A lot colder.
“Oh, hell, James. What is going on with you?”
“Nothing.” James crushes the aluminum in his hand, feeling it crinkle like paper against his palm. He tosses it into the nearest trash can and starts marching towards the pool. He tries to ignore the unhurried footfalls behind him.
James plops down on the concrete, crossing his legs. He stares at the pool light and tries to think up a way to appease Kendall.
He’s not coming up with much.
“Alright. What’s wrong?” Kendall dangles his feet in the water, legs spot lit gold. James shrugs, leaning back on his palms. “James, come on. You’re my best friend. You’ve been insane all week. Tell me what’s going on.”
James wants to tell him. More than anything. He’s bad at holding things in, and this secret he’s kept to himself for years now. But he doesn’t want Kendall to hate him. He doesn’t want to ruin the memory of that kiss, of his very first kiss.
“Is it Shane?” Kendall asks shrewdly. “I know he gets to you.”
“Do you?” James asks, and it’s a little sardonic, because he’s pretty sure Kendall has no idea how Shane affects him.
“Why are you being such an asshole, man? Shane’s going to leave if you keep acting like this.”
“Oh, and that would be a shame,” James drawls, a bit miffed that the name calling has escalated to include cusswords.
Kendall’s face is backlit by the pool lights, shadows and gold moving over his face in a reflection of underwater currents. His frown grows
deeper, the shadows overtaking everything, and he says, “Come again?”
“You heard me.”
“You don’t want Shane to stay?”
“I-“
“He’s your brother, James. He loves you.”
“I hate him,” James bites out, even though it’s a lie. He’s never been able to fully hate Shane, no matter how much he wants to. It would be like hating himself, and James is too much of a narcissist for that.
“You don’t mean that,” Kendall replies levelly. James closes his mouth and settles for glaring. He’s got a fierce glare. Kendall is not adequately impressed. “Why would you even say something like that?”
Kendall actually looks disappointed in him.
“Because-“ James’s voice catches in his throat. “Because I hate how much you care about him and his stupid feelings, alright?”
“James.”
“I know, it’s none of my fucking business, but-“
“James.” Kendall catches James’s face between his hands, thumbs stroking rough and dry over his cheekbones. “Look at me. I care about you, too.”
“But Shane-“
“Shane is my friend, and his feelings are important, but James. I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for you, dude. How do you think you’re going to feel if you drive your brother out of California? You’re going to ruin your relationship with him. Don’t even try to pretend that won’t kill you.”
James tries to glance away, to the pool or a stray palm tree or anything that will distract him from Kendall’s luminescent eyes. It’s not fair that he can be so earnest and attractive all at the same time.
“Just-“ James shakes his head, trying to tear free of Kendall’s grip. “Go back to the park. Go be with Shane.”
“Fuck Shane,” Kendall says, dropping his hands, but still pinning James down with a piercing look. “Tell me what’s really wrong.”
“I already told you-“
“You didn’t.”
“I did. I fucking told you.”
“When? What did you tell me?” Kendall asks, anger evident in his stance and his expression and the sharp edges of his words.
“Stop.” James says, voice soft, and he means a lot of things. Stop yelling at me. Stop looking at me like that. Stop feeling the way you do.
“Just stop.”
“Stop what, James-“
“Stop being in love with him, okay?” The words rip from his throat. He doesn’t sound mad. He sounds exhausted. He doesn’t even sound like himself.
Kendall’s eyes go wide, realization a flash of lighting across his face, and there. James has screwed everything up, just like he always knew he would. He’s not perfect. He’s not Shane.
Kendall breathes, “You idiot.”
And then he’s crushing his mouth against James’s, kissing him hard and fast and desperate. Except James kind of isn’t expecting it, so he topples back into the pool, Kendall still attached to his lips. The world turns to bubbles and a single spot of warmth. Kendall. James sinks down to the bottom of the pool, all the air pushed form his lungs and into Kendall’s, who is still kissing him, hands hot around his biceps. James’s fingers go up to fist in the front of Kendall’s button down, and he can’t breathe, can’t see; blackness is creeping in on the edges of his vision. But he pulls Kendall closer and kisses him back, until drowning becomes a very real possibility.
Kendall is the one who puts space between them, hauling James up to the surface of the pool, where a spider web of moonlight dances across the surface of the water. And then he’s kissing James again, harder now, tongue curling soft into his mouth, right there in the Caribbean blue of chlorinated water and James is more than a little dazed.
“I-“ James breaks from the kiss, trying to remember to breathe. “I have to tell you something.”
So he does. And when he’s done, it’s not a great, big, terrible thing.
“James,” Kendall laughs, loud and delighted. It reverberates across the concrete, echoing poolside. His reaction stings a little, until Kendall continues, “How could you even for a second think that I didn’t know it was you?”
“What?” Kendall’s gaze goes all fond and he strokes a hand across James’s cheek. “I thought- oh god,” Kendall’s laughing harder now. “I thought you just wanted to be friends. But you just thought you tricked me into believing you were Shane?”
“It’s not that funny,” James says petulantly.
Kendall seems to disagree. He’s gasping for breath and he grins at James and says, “James, you should know how I feel about you.”
“Should I? Because you never say anything. How am I supposed to know if you don’t say anything? I’m not- intuitive, or whatever.” He bites his lip. “How do you feel about me?”
Kendall sighs, all soft and smirking. “We’ve wasted so much time. We need to fix that.”
He kisses James again, like somehow they can make up for all the years in between that first kiss and now.
James figures they can try.
---
The large kid is back, bugging Shane and Logan. He’s calling Shane names now. Really loudly. James looks at Kendall.
“Go.”
It’s not an order, but it doesn’t have to be. The kid’s got his hand resting on Shane’s shoulder, and Shane looks like he wants to rearrange his teeth. He’s so scrawny; like a shade of James.
“Dude, get your hands off of my brother,” James shoves the kid.
“What’s your problem, Diamond?”
James looks the kid up and down. The best retort he’s got involves your face, but he feels like he needs a diplomatic solution here.
So instead of saying it, he punches him in the face.
The kid stumbles back, knocking over a punch bowl and taking out a full string of lights. He looks pissed. James is suddenly seeing a lot of running in his future. Except then he feels Kendall come to stand behind him, all cracking fists and silent fury. Logan’s at his side in
seconds, and then Carlos pops out of wherever it is that Carlos has been hiding.
Four on one are pretty good odds.
The bully runs.
Kendall slings his arm around James’s shoulders, nuzzling into his neck. “Good boy.”
“Oh, thank god,” Shane groans, relief flooding his features. James blinks. “It’s about time.”
Kendall grins at both of them and announces, “I think you two need to talk. I’ll uh- go- um. Logan? Carlos? Let’s go.”
“Why’d you hit that guy?” Shane exhales, his thin shoulders slumping forward with relief.
“I don’t like bullies,” either, he’s thinking, an echo of Kendall’s earlier words. “And- dude, you’re my brother.” James rubs his knuckles. “I’m sorry I was a douchebag.”
Shane rolls his eyes. “You can’t apologize for being you.”
“Hey!”
“I get it though. Kendall,” Shane says by way of explanation. “Why are you wet?”
James is not blushing. “Um. No reason. You…knew about Kendall? How?”
“You think I didn’t see how you felt about him? I’m not blind, James. From the second you dragged me to watch your stupid hockey games, I knew.”
“Hockey is not-“
“It’s stupid. One day you’re going to break your face and I’m going to win this argument.” Shane shakes his head. “Hey, do you ever feel like Logan took up hockey just to spite me?”
“No.” James rolls his eyes. The competition between the two of them is getting old. “You’ve got a lot of things to say about Logan.”
“You’ve got a lot of things to say about Kendall,” Shane replies fondly. “You think you’re so mysterious, but I know you better than you know yourself.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Shane gives him a look. “I’m your big brother. It’s my job.”
“You’re like, a minute older than me.” Shane grins, and it’s not a perfect mirror of James’s, but it’s familiar. James remembers that he used to look up to that smile, to his not-quite-big brother. It’s this shadowy memory in the back of his mind. He hasn’t thought about that for a long, long time. “Hey. Um. Do you like Seattle?”
“I do,” Shane says.
“Doesn’t it rain a lot?”
“You know me. I was never cut out for the sunshine. Monsoons do wonders for my complexion.”
“It continues to astound me that we’re related.”
“We’re not that different.” Shane bumps their shoulders together. “I’m not here to ruin your life, James. I’m here because you’re my brother, and I love you.”
“I know that. I may be a sucktastic brother, but this isn’t my party. It’s for you.”
Mostly.
Shane smiles, all wide open and happy. James wears that same exact grin, and maybe they really aren’t that different after all. “I know. James?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m down for another week. Maybe we could, you know, spend it together?” Shane looks hopeful. “I came to see you. Not Kendall, dude. You.”
“Deal. Some birthday.”
“I don’t even think it’s mine anymore. It’s midnight.”
James glances up at the moon, like he can figure out what kind of scientific voodoo Shane used to reach that conclusion.
A sound distracts him.
Shane can’t sing.
Okay, that’s a lie. He can, kind of, in an unpolished, raw sort of way. Unlike James, he’s never had any interest at all in strengthening his voice, and as they’ve grown, the differences have started to show. When Shane launches into Happy Birthday, he’s scratchy and a bit off key.
Weirdly enough, James doesn’t mind too much.
---