american girls, they want the whole world; they want every last little light in new york city
This is a long overdue concert post! eviljellybean88 demanded it, man. So. Last weekend. Two concerts. Two states. Two chances to see hot guys shake their ass- wait, okay, no. I'm going to be an unbiased observer up in here. I am going to deliver my opinion on the boys, completely uninfluenced by the fact that I may possibly be deseperately in love with their gorgeous personages. I will not write epic poetry about James Maslow's arms. I will not write epic poetry about James Maslow's arms. I will not write epic poetry about James Maslow's arms.
Now. Last weekend, last weekend. Trufax, I kind of expected last weekend to blow. I’m not the friendliest little hermit out there, and interacting with large groups of people I only know through little pixilated icons and fangirlish squee? Not my idea of a good time, unless there are drinking games involved.
So imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when it turned out to be pretty awesome. First off, there are some mad hot fangirls out there. And I don’t mean sticky/sweaty/smelly hot, although we probably were all that kind of hot too after so many hours in the sun No lie, I got home and hugged my mom and she was like please go bathe now. But man, we are a surprisingly sexy bunch.
I’m sure I don’t actually need to tell anyone that, actually, but I’m a cynic and a semi-accurate historian, so I want to get this down right. Of course, you all don’t want to hear about girls of the writerly variety, do you? No, of course not. You want to hear about the boys.
I honestly don’t know what to write about them that I haven’t already written on Twitter. But I'mma try to keep it interesting.
Kendall is the biggest little boyfag on this earth. Like, I will not lie, I find him intensely attractive because I generally go in for that whole aura of douchebag and I want his dimples on my face and oh yeah, I’ve got a thing for blond boys, BUT:
A- the boy was better developed when he was filming the pilot for BTR. He is getting to be a stick of a person, and I’m not over here screaming manorexia- it’s really hard to be anorexic and expend that much energy anywhere, tbh, much less on a stage full of bright lights where you have to do really bad synchronized dance moves- but I am saying the boy muscles up like a greyhound, which is to say he muscles dowwwwwn.
B- I’ve said it eighteen times on Twitter, twenty times to breila_rose, and I will say it again right here. He stole the outfit he wore on Sunday from Demi Lovato’s closet. That or the lead singer of Hot Chelle Rae’s, who made his own questionable fashion choice for the night. Like hi, dude, I wore the same thing when I was six and A LITTLE GIRL. It is actually tragic that I still wanted to lick the sweat off of (both) of their collarbones in those clothes.
Neither of these are my pictures, obviously. My camera decided to be dumb. And by that I mean I didn't notice I had it set on record.
C- I may be cynical, because I am a fan of Max Bemis, who is notorious for forgetting the lyrics to his songs about halfway through (although in Bemis’s defense, the boy’s lyrics are a bit more intellectual than, say, dance hard, laugh hard, turn the music up now?) but I seriously think Kendall either doesn’t remember the lyrics to half of the band’s songs, or he is a lazy asshole. Or both. Because he extended his mic out to the audience more times during the course of Sunday night than the rest of the guys combined.
D- His facial expressions. Oh. My. God. His facial expressions. I noticed this more on Saturday than I did on Sunday, but he still did it plenty that night too. He rolls his eyes. Constantly. Sometimes in sarcastic reception of the screams of prepubescent girls and sometimes just because he’s apparently bored of keeping his eyes in the same position? I don’t even know, they were constantly MOVING. I was so amused. I’m sure as hell biased because he is sure as hell my favorite in terms of attraction, but KENDALL I WANT YOUR FACE. That is all.
E- Sunday night, second wardrobe change? He painted on his pants. No, really. I refuse to believe there was not body paint involved.
Now. James.
1. I may have sorely underestimated how attractive James is. I lied. The epic poetry cometh Like, I know, I know, he’s everybody’s favorite pretty boy and he’s built like a god and his smile is perfection, but he’s never really…done anything for me? I had a dream once about James and he was basically my gay bff whom I in no way wanted to turn straight? I think that dream would go very differently after Sunday. The boy is way gorgeous personified. I never appreciated his biceps until I saw them irl. Or his hips, fucking god, his hips. We always give Kendall and Carlos the credit for their bellydancing hips, but in person? Yeah, James can move like a hula girl, man.
2. I continue to own all the same clothes. Saturday night, those black R&R skinny jeans? Yeah, James. Kendall isn’t the only one snooping around in people’s closets, mmmkay? STAY OUT OF MY CLOSET, MASLOW.
3. This is a personal thing, but when James sits on the stools for the acoustic set? Yeah, he sits just like my aunt’s dog, Merlot. Whom I see practically every day and now want to call James. They both sit so pretty with their legs all splayed and their head cocked to the side. I want to pet them behind the ears.
4. Worldwide. Don’t get me wrong, Kendall and Carlos were the sweetest during WW for sure, but I thought James was pretty adorable with the girls. He was totally supporting the cute little girl on Saturday, and he didn’t seem in the least put out on Sunday when the girl they chose? Legit clamped onto him and obviously did not plan on letting go. She stared at him through the whole song like he was the last drink of water in the whole universe. I really, honestly thought she was going to lunge across the stool and try to eat his face. And James? Was just like, oh yeah, that’s cool. I’m hot shit. Maul me if you like. Adorable boy.
Logan. Oh, Logan. I really…don’t have a lot to say about Logan? He acted like he was legitimately scared of the first Worldwide girl, pretty much petting her on the knee and the back and the hand like she was a small, furry creature that he didn’t know what to do with. The second girl? He held her hand and hugged her and flashed his dimples every five seconds. He also did that to every female with breasts in the crowd.
Boy’s a slut. Already knew that. Opinion has not changed?
If anything, I guess before I thought he was the kind of manslut who wasn’t completely doing it on purpose, but now I think he’s the kind of manslut who enjoys vamping it up? Kind of like most of the males I am related to and/or date? Blah, that makes it sound like I hate Logan, and I don’t. Yes, he is my least favorite of the boys, but that’s like saying Kendall’s scrawny man legs are my least favorite part of his body- I still love them one hundred percent more than other people’s scrawny man legs. I still love Logan to death, man.
But I still don't know if he's competant enough to find me churros.
Carlos. CARLOS. He’s my new favorite. The boy is just a total sweetheart. Like, screw James, Carlos, can you be my gay bff? He was the nicest boy in the whole world with that little girl on stage. The nicest. I will take no arguments about this. I don’t even like children very much, and the way he treated her? Just melted my heart, completely.
He’s also so much more attractive in person. Like, I’ve always thought he was a cutie, despite being short, but during the shows? I realized I don’t even care that he’s short. Would totally walk around in flats all day for him.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, Carlos is apparently gay for Dustin. No really. I know some of you have heard Courtney extrapolate on this, and the girl is one hundred percent right. Carlos was constantly prancing up over to him, singing at him, making faces at him, touching him, talking about how great he is, talking TO him right in the middle of songs, and generally making it very evident that he wants (or has already been) in Dustin’s hipster jeans.
I whole heartedly approve.
Kendall, by contrast, on night one was like, hi, this is Dustin, who is best friends with me, and I’m awesome. He actually called himself the
most interesting man on earth. I love you, Kendall. You are my favorite narcissist. But then on night two, he was like, this is Dustin, who is
awesome, sad face. Can we say someone didn’t get any last night?
Because Carlos can’t.
My overall impression? James and Carlos basically owned the show. Logan and Kendall were all over the place, and gorgeous faces aside, I was not all that impressed with their gods-gift-to-man routine. I'm basing this mostly off of other non-boybandy concerts I've been to, but they just didn't seem to be working...as hard...OH GOD, UNPOPULAR OPINIONS. Do I think Logan and Kendall are ungracious little whorefaces who think they deserve to be famous? No, of course not. But their counterparts were more professional, technically speaking. I couldn’t see Kendall or Logan carrying a show at this point- as say solo artists with a backing band, but I can sort of see James or Carlos heading in that direction one day.
The dancing? Ehhhh. Their atrocious hats distracted me.
But please tell me how the only backflip I witnessed was James’s on Sunday, out of like, six between the two concerts? It’s like when I’m in Maine with my family and everyone else sees a moose, but I don’t? Backflips are my moose. Meese. Meeses? Moose is a funny word.
What else? Let’s see, I was not much in the mood for dancing on Saturday after eighty thousand years of sweat and rides, but I spent most of Sunday bopping around with my fantastic really bad dance moves and yelling out the lyrics to everything, ever. Even if I didn’t know them. Hi, Hot Chelle Rae.
Also I traumatized the mother of the little girl sitting next to us by basically telling her that the band (she’d never heard of them) was full of really gorgeous boys who did really bad synchronized dance moves but were still really gorgeous. She gave me the eye. The I want to report you for pedophilia eye.
Also, I am the biggest fan of people’s homemade t-shirts. I really think that’s the best thing ever. Even if the boys never ever saw them, I did, and I want to say all you t-shirt makers are cooltastic and worthy of admiration.
Onto the next subject: pimpage.
Okay. Two words. Ten letters. Say them and I’m yours. Oh wait, queenitsy already did, and then, because she’s such a boss, she actually went on to fulfill all my Space Opera fantasies with Red Petals. I’m pretty sure everyone on my f-list already stalks follows le Queen, but if you don’t, what the hell are you waiting for?
Now this is a girl I have not pimped out yet, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why? Probably because I’m usually blathering on about writing, or maybe because I just wanted to keep her all to myself. My favorite BTR artist right up in here. Also, homegirl is representing Jersey hahaha are those of you who met me now scared that I actually talk like this when hyper?.
Now, jellytea wrote me a Camille/Mercedes drabble, and I’m all up over that, because I sincerely hold that those two girls are the best parts of James split into two separate individuals with even better great hair. Femmeslash isn’t hugely my thing, but this drabble is perfection in written form. breila_rose ALSO wrote me the pimpest sexy time fic between the girls. Go check both of 'em out.
What else have we got? OH YEAH SHUT YOUR EYES HAS A FANMIX. Liz, the best girl in the whole universe gave my favorite story in the universe am I allowed to say that if I wrote half of it? Eh, I’m a narcissist an actual soundtrack, and it’s heartbreaking and beautiful and full of bands that I love (and a song she wrote, because she’s freaking brilliant). You need to be checking this out immediately.
Okay, wait, I know there was more on my pimp list.
!!! Yes there was. Alright, so before there was BTR things happened before BTR? I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, there was South Park. Like, the Oh my god, you killed Kenny, you bastard TV show? Bear with me here. South Park fandom- what exists of it- revolves around four boys with considerably cruder mouths than our boys (which makes it more fun, tbh. Can be myself. O_O) and a deep seated love for each other. It relies on the perceptions of fangirls and boys everywhere that the guys are going to grow up to be gorgeous and flawed.
Sound familiar?
There is no one out there who takes that perception and runs with it better than my super best, delires. She is, legit, one of my all time favorite people and writers in the entire world. I don’t care if you think SP fandom is weird. I don’t care if you can’t really see yourself ever reading it. Read this story- just this one story, barely a couple thousand words- and then you may judge.
And if you judge that she is not a genius, you will be wrong.
Now. Last weekend, last weekend. Trufax, I kind of expected last weekend to blow. I’m not the friendliest little hermit out there, and interacting with large groups of people I only know through little pixilated icons and fangirlish squee? Not my idea of a good time, unless there are drinking games involved.
So imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when it turned out to be pretty awesome. First off, there are some mad hot fangirls out there. And I don’t mean sticky/sweaty/smelly hot, although we probably were all that kind of hot too after so many hours in the sun No lie, I got home and hugged my mom and she was like please go bathe now. But man, we are a surprisingly sexy bunch.
I’m sure I don’t actually need to tell anyone that, actually, but I’m a cynic and a semi-accurate historian, so I want to get this down right. Of course, you all don’t want to hear about girls of the writerly variety, do you? No, of course not. You want to hear about the boys.
I honestly don’t know what to write about them that I haven’t already written on Twitter. But I'mma try to keep it interesting.
Kendall is the biggest little boyfag on this earth. Like, I will not lie, I find him intensely attractive because I generally go in for that whole aura of douchebag and I want his dimples on my face and oh yeah, I’ve got a thing for blond boys, BUT:
A- the boy was better developed when he was filming the pilot for BTR. He is getting to be a stick of a person, and I’m not over here screaming manorexia- it’s really hard to be anorexic and expend that much energy anywhere, tbh, much less on a stage full of bright lights where you have to do really bad synchronized dance moves- but I am saying the boy muscles up like a greyhound, which is to say he muscles dowwwwwn.
B- I’ve said it eighteen times on Twitter, twenty times to breila_rose, and I will say it again right here. He stole the outfit he wore on Sunday from Demi Lovato’s closet. That or the lead singer of Hot Chelle Rae’s, who made his own questionable fashion choice for the night. Like hi, dude, I wore the same thing when I was six and A LITTLE GIRL. It is actually tragic that I still wanted to lick the sweat off of (both) of their collarbones in those clothes.
Neither of these are my pictures, obviously. My camera decided to be dumb. And by that I mean I didn't notice I had it set on record.
C- I may be cynical, because I am a fan of Max Bemis, who is notorious for forgetting the lyrics to his songs about halfway through (although in Bemis’s defense, the boy’s lyrics are a bit more intellectual than, say, dance hard, laugh hard, turn the music up now?) but I seriously think Kendall either doesn’t remember the lyrics to half of the band’s songs, or he is a lazy asshole. Or both. Because he extended his mic out to the audience more times during the course of Sunday night than the rest of the guys combined.
D- His facial expressions. Oh. My. God. His facial expressions. I noticed this more on Saturday than I did on Sunday, but he still did it plenty that night too. He rolls his eyes. Constantly. Sometimes in sarcastic reception of the screams of prepubescent girls and sometimes just because he’s apparently bored of keeping his eyes in the same position? I don’t even know, they were constantly MOVING. I was so amused. I’m sure as hell biased because he is sure as hell my favorite in terms of attraction, but KENDALL I WANT YOUR FACE. That is all.
E- Sunday night, second wardrobe change? He painted on his pants. No, really. I refuse to believe there was not body paint involved.
Now. James.
1. I may have sorely underestimated how attractive James is. I lied. The epic poetry cometh Like, I know, I know, he’s everybody’s favorite pretty boy and he’s built like a god and his smile is perfection, but he’s never really…done anything for me? I had a dream once about James and he was basically my gay bff whom I in no way wanted to turn straight? I think that dream would go very differently after Sunday. The boy is way gorgeous personified. I never appreciated his biceps until I saw them irl. Or his hips, fucking god, his hips. We always give Kendall and Carlos the credit for their bellydancing hips, but in person? Yeah, James can move like a hula girl, man.
2. I continue to own all the same clothes. Saturday night, those black R&R skinny jeans? Yeah, James. Kendall isn’t the only one snooping around in people’s closets, mmmkay? STAY OUT OF MY CLOSET, MASLOW.
3. This is a personal thing, but when James sits on the stools for the acoustic set? Yeah, he sits just like my aunt’s dog, Merlot. Whom I see practically every day and now want to call James. They both sit so pretty with their legs all splayed and their head cocked to the side. I want to pet them behind the ears.
4. Worldwide. Don’t get me wrong, Kendall and Carlos were the sweetest during WW for sure, but I thought James was pretty adorable with the girls. He was totally supporting the cute little girl on Saturday, and he didn’t seem in the least put out on Sunday when the girl they chose? Legit clamped onto him and obviously did not plan on letting go. She stared at him through the whole song like he was the last drink of water in the whole universe. I really, honestly thought she was going to lunge across the stool and try to eat his face. And James? Was just like, oh yeah, that’s cool. I’m hot shit. Maul me if you like. Adorable boy.
Logan. Oh, Logan. I really…don’t have a lot to say about Logan? He acted like he was legitimately scared of the first Worldwide girl, pretty much petting her on the knee and the back and the hand like she was a small, furry creature that he didn’t know what to do with. The second girl? He held her hand and hugged her and flashed his dimples every five seconds. He also did that to every female with breasts in the crowd.
Boy’s a slut. Already knew that. Opinion has not changed?
If anything, I guess before I thought he was the kind of manslut who wasn’t completely doing it on purpose, but now I think he’s the kind of manslut who enjoys vamping it up? Kind of like most of the males I am related to and/or date? Blah, that makes it sound like I hate Logan, and I don’t. Yes, he is my least favorite of the boys, but that’s like saying Kendall’s scrawny man legs are my least favorite part of his body- I still love them one hundred percent more than other people’s scrawny man legs. I still love Logan to death, man.
But I still don't know if he's competant enough to find me churros.
Carlos. CARLOS. He’s my new favorite. The boy is just a total sweetheart. Like, screw James, Carlos, can you be my gay bff? He was the nicest boy in the whole world with that little girl on stage. The nicest. I will take no arguments about this. I don’t even like children very much, and the way he treated her? Just melted my heart, completely.
He’s also so much more attractive in person. Like, I’ve always thought he was a cutie, despite being short, but during the shows? I realized I don’t even care that he’s short. Would totally walk around in flats all day for him.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, Carlos is apparently gay for Dustin. No really. I know some of you have heard Courtney extrapolate on this, and the girl is one hundred percent right. Carlos was constantly prancing up over to him, singing at him, making faces at him, touching him, talking about how great he is, talking TO him right in the middle of songs, and generally making it very evident that he wants (or has already been) in Dustin’s hipster jeans.
I whole heartedly approve.
Kendall, by contrast, on night one was like, hi, this is Dustin, who is best friends with me, and I’m awesome. He actually called himself the
most interesting man on earth. I love you, Kendall. You are my favorite narcissist. But then on night two, he was like, this is Dustin, who is
awesome, sad face. Can we say someone didn’t get any last night?
Because Carlos can’t.
My overall impression? James and Carlos basically owned the show. Logan and Kendall were all over the place, and gorgeous faces aside, I was not all that impressed with their gods-gift-to-man routine. I'm basing this mostly off of other non-boybandy concerts I've been to, but they just didn't seem to be working...as hard...OH GOD, UNPOPULAR OPINIONS. Do I think Logan and Kendall are ungracious little whorefaces who think they deserve to be famous? No, of course not. But their counterparts were more professional, technically speaking. I couldn’t see Kendall or Logan carrying a show at this point- as say solo artists with a backing band, but I can sort of see James or Carlos heading in that direction one day.
The dancing? Ehhhh. Their atrocious hats distracted me.
But please tell me how the only backflip I witnessed was James’s on Sunday, out of like, six between the two concerts? It’s like when I’m in Maine with my family and everyone else sees a moose, but I don’t? Backflips are my moose. Meese. Meeses? Moose is a funny word.
What else? Let’s see, I was not much in the mood for dancing on Saturday after eighty thousand years of sweat and rides, but I spent most of Sunday bopping around with my fantastic really bad dance moves and yelling out the lyrics to everything, ever. Even if I didn’t know them. Hi, Hot Chelle Rae.
Also I traumatized the mother of the little girl sitting next to us by basically telling her that the band (she’d never heard of them) was full of really gorgeous boys who did really bad synchronized dance moves but were still really gorgeous. She gave me the eye. The I want to report you for pedophilia eye.
Also, I am the biggest fan of people’s homemade t-shirts. I really think that’s the best thing ever. Even if the boys never ever saw them, I did, and I want to say all you t-shirt makers are cooltastic and worthy of admiration.
Onto the next subject: pimpage.
Okay. Two words. Ten letters. Say them and I’m yours. Oh wait, queenitsy already did, and then, because she’s such a boss, she actually went on to fulfill all my Space Opera fantasies with Red Petals. I’m pretty sure everyone on my f-list already stalks follows le Queen, but if you don’t, what the hell are you waiting for?
Now this is a girl I have not pimped out yet, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why? Probably because I’m usually blathering on about writing, or maybe because I just wanted to keep her all to myself. My favorite BTR artist right up in here. Also, homegirl is representing Jersey hahaha are those of you who met me now scared that I actually talk like this when hyper?.
Now, jellytea wrote me a Camille/Mercedes drabble, and I’m all up over that, because I sincerely hold that those two girls are the best parts of James split into two separate individuals with even better great hair. Femmeslash isn’t hugely my thing, but this drabble is perfection in written form. breila_rose ALSO wrote me the pimpest sexy time fic between the girls. Go check both of 'em out.
What else have we got? OH YEAH SHUT YOUR EYES HAS A FANMIX. Liz, the best girl in the whole universe gave my favorite story in the universe am I allowed to say that if I wrote half of it? Eh, I’m a narcissist an actual soundtrack, and it’s heartbreaking and beautiful and full of bands that I love (and a song she wrote, because she’s freaking brilliant). You need to be checking this out immediately.
Okay, wait, I know there was more on my pimp list.
!!! Yes there was. Alright, so before there was BTR things happened before BTR? I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, there was South Park. Like, the Oh my god, you killed Kenny, you bastard TV show? Bear with me here. South Park fandom- what exists of it- revolves around four boys with considerably cruder mouths than our boys (which makes it more fun, tbh. Can be myself. O_O) and a deep seated love for each other. It relies on the perceptions of fangirls and boys everywhere that the guys are going to grow up to be gorgeous and flawed.
Sound familiar?
There is no one out there who takes that perception and runs with it better than my super best, delires. She is, legit, one of my all time favorite people and writers in the entire world. I don’t care if you think SP fandom is weird. I don’t care if you can’t really see yourself ever reading it. Read this story- just this one story, barely a couple thousand words- and then you may judge.
And if you judge that she is not a genius, you will be wrong.