To The West, To The West, I Haven't Got There Yet
So like, my day started out fine and I was all ANXIETY about my humor fic (and now you've all set me at ease, I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH I CAN'T EVEN), and then I literally spent three hours alternately working on parts of Shut Your Eyes and one of my newer oneshots and texting Keith and Dora. Like, I literally got maybe two paragraphs written and edited when all I had left was this tiny little section of my report. I felt like such a slacker. And then, then I went out to free lunch with my mom and aunt, and THEN I came back and edited one more time and got my new case.
Which my worker lady told me she'd edited and made some changes to.
So then I wrote this:
Ugh agh argh guys, this case worker told me she was going to give me back a file I needed for my current face and then she got all shifty and was like but I edited some things and I’m like- okay, that’s fine, I figured you would need to- because the only feedback I’ve gotten so far is one person saying I’m good and detailed and another couple saying I’m fast, and I find it hard to take critique from people who make a ridiculous amount of spelling errors- which, which, which, okay.
I would like to know if I’m doing something right, because I’ve been working here for four months now. So there’s that, but there’s also- I haven’t been graded on writing in a while, and I know I’ve gotten lazy with the amount of internet speak I throw around these days and the way I talk and I’ve also always kind of sucked at technical writing? Because I tend to let my personal narrative sneak in there, even when it shouldn’t. And I don’t know when she said she changed things I’m not sure if she means like grammatically, in which case I’m going to have to change the entire way I write my cases which is going to make me scream because I’m finally starting to get a rhythm down and I don’t even know if I’m being paranoid because I’ve had to rewrite other people’s cases and this worker was like, please rewrite this because it is bad which seems to imply that I’m good, write?
But now she’s like, I marked up your paper right and I have INSECURITIES. She said she’d email me the new version and I’m waiting and waiting and dying and now I’m home and she never did it so I have to wait until tomorrow and I might possibly keel over. I think with writing, any kind of writing, not just creative, that you’re exposing little pieces of yourself that you normally wouldn’t, and the idea of being rejected is just- terrifying. Even though I like critique because then I take it and make myself better and if it’s decent non cryptic helpful critique I do get better but I hate hate hate when it’s opaque like, I made some changes without telling you or oh, by the way, this is rough around the edges (which someone told me once about a story and I was like, care to elaborate? Do you just mean my typos or is there something I’m missing completely please tell me I’m going insane). So I don’t know if all of my reports up until now have been fail or if she’s just talking about changing some details which would be fine, it’s her case, she knows way better than me, and for some reason I got the kid in the case I’m doing rn’s name wrong in that one? Idek how that happened, ‘cause they were totes calling him that name in the other case, I don’t just pluck these things out of thin air. And the worst part is that I actually edit these, which I barely ever even do with my own stories because I get bored of my own voice and then- I’M A TERRIBLE WRITER I’M NEVER WRITING AGAIN IDEK GUYS.
ETA- Okay, so actually she just added a couple of additionallys and verys to soften up the some of the sentences- and a therefore and a few other really unnecessary words. It was better my way. Also, she made someone sound less crazycakes. Because this was my crazycakes case, apparently. The woman they’re giving the kid to pissed me off so much they decided to give her another one.
See, so I had to write an lj post without internet. -eyeroll- Long story short, I overreacted for nothing, and then to boot, when I came home I received a letter with notes on my four month evaluation, which I've been waiting for forever (it means I'm no longer probationary and also get reimbursed for holidays and shit). And they said I write thoughtful, comprehensive reports, and that I'm timely and efficient and that everyone is pleased with my work and let's just say when my mom read it her jaw dropped, because my entire family is under the opinion that I'm a huge slacker. So. SO.
Tl;dr: My day had mood swings, where I doubted my writing, and then learned I was a moron.
Which my worker lady told me she'd edited and made some changes to.
So then I wrote this:
Ugh agh argh guys, this case worker told me she was going to give me back a file I needed for my current face and then she got all shifty and was like but I edited some things and I’m like- okay, that’s fine, I figured you would need to- because the only feedback I’ve gotten so far is one person saying I’m good and detailed and another couple saying I’m fast, and I find it hard to take critique from people who make a ridiculous amount of spelling errors- which, which, which, okay.
I would like to know if I’m doing something right, because I’ve been working here for four months now. So there’s that, but there’s also- I haven’t been graded on writing in a while, and I know I’ve gotten lazy with the amount of internet speak I throw around these days and the way I talk and I’ve also always kind of sucked at technical writing? Because I tend to let my personal narrative sneak in there, even when it shouldn’t. And I don’t know when she said she changed things I’m not sure if she means like grammatically, in which case I’m going to have to change the entire way I write my cases which is going to make me scream because I’m finally starting to get a rhythm down and I don’t even know if I’m being paranoid because I’ve had to rewrite other people’s cases and this worker was like, please rewrite this because it is bad which seems to imply that I’m good, write?
But now she’s like, I marked up your paper right and I have INSECURITIES. She said she’d email me the new version and I’m waiting and waiting and dying and now I’m home and she never did it so I have to wait until tomorrow and I might possibly keel over. I think with writing, any kind of writing, not just creative, that you’re exposing little pieces of yourself that you normally wouldn’t, and the idea of being rejected is just- terrifying. Even though I like critique because then I take it and make myself better and if it’s decent non cryptic helpful critique I do get better but I hate hate hate when it’s opaque like, I made some changes without telling you or oh, by the way, this is rough around the edges (which someone told me once about a story and I was like, care to elaborate? Do you just mean my typos or is there something I’m missing completely please tell me I’m going insane). So I don’t know if all of my reports up until now have been fail or if she’s just talking about changing some details which would be fine, it’s her case, she knows way better than me, and for some reason I got the kid in the case I’m doing rn’s name wrong in that one? Idek how that happened, ‘cause they were totes calling him that name in the other case, I don’t just pluck these things out of thin air. And the worst part is that I actually edit these, which I barely ever even do with my own stories because I get bored of my own voice and then- I’M A TERRIBLE WRITER I’M NEVER WRITING AGAIN IDEK GUYS.
ETA- Okay, so actually she just added a couple of additionallys and verys to soften up the some of the sentences- and a therefore and a few other really unnecessary words. It was better my way. Also, she made someone sound less crazycakes. Because this was my crazycakes case, apparently. The woman they’re giving the kid to pissed me off so much they decided to give her another one.
See, so I had to write an lj post without internet. -eyeroll- Long story short, I overreacted for nothing, and then to boot, when I came home I received a letter with notes on my four month evaluation, which I've been waiting for forever (it means I'm no longer probationary and also get reimbursed for holidays and shit). And they said I write thoughtful, comprehensive reports, and that I'm timely and efficient and that everyone is pleased with my work and let's just say when my mom read it her jaw dropped, because my entire family is under the opinion that I'm a huge slacker. So. SO.
Tl;dr: My day had mood swings, where I doubted my writing, and then learned I was a moron.