For A Bit Of Sugar And A Bit Of Salt He Waged A War About Nothing
I am dead. I don't know. Today has been weird. Very strange. Infinitely odd.
Here are snippets of conversations I've had today:
Actually, let's start last night. Jeff was about to leave, and we were discussing my aunt's penchant for accusing random people of being lesbians.
Jeff: Your aunt is crazy. You're not a lesbian. You're a dude.
Me: Oh, well that explains everything.
This one is highly paraphrased and possibly biased. In summary, my mother sent me an email of how upset she is that I haven't found a job yet and basically blamed our large amount of debt on me. Now this accusation is highly unrealistic in retrospect and has much to do with my mother's hermit-like status and own personal misery because she refuses to leave the house and find friends, but I have parent-issues, because it basically resulted in me bawling and wanting comfort. Especially since I received this email before I'd even had breakfast:
Me: blah blah blah I am having a bad day, cheer me up.
Boyfriend: blah stop crying blah blah It is extremely hard to find employment right now, your mom just doesn't understand blah blah blah -twenty minutes of highly analytical speak that does absolutely nothing for my mind frame-
Me: -wants compliments- No, I think it's because I'm stupid.
Boyfriend: That's not the reason, it's because of the economy blah stop crying
Me: -fishing for a single compliment in this conversation, and also no longer crying and annoyed at being accused of doing so- And that I'm stupid.
Boyfriend: No, your stupidity has nothing to do with it. -more analytical talk that he seemed to believe I didn't understand; which contrary to my compliment fishing, I am aware that I am not stupid; I have a three point six GPA for god's sake-
Me: You suck at this cheering up thing. -inwardly thinking, all I fucking want is you to tell me I'm smart and that it will be okay-
Boyfriend: Yeah, that's because I'm trying to figure out how to post bail for Sidh. I'm at the jail right now.
Me: -blinks- Oh, what did Sidh do?
Boyfriend: blah blah some girl took sixty bucks from him and stuck it in her purse and refused to give it back. She threatened to scream. Blah blah -is extremely long winded- -has horrible english- -is basically an ode to how he loves his best friend to bits and wants to ride his dick-
Me: -confused- -wondering why Sidh is still picking up random girls when he has a girlfriend- -wondering when boyfriend will just admit he likes it up the ass already and how he got to be so fail at giving comfort-
Boyfriend: -continues talking-
Me: So...what you're saying is, Sidh stole this girl's purse?
Boyfriend: Well, he was drunk. It's a long story, and I've got to go. -hangs up-
Me: I take it back. I'm not stupid. Sidh is.
Then I had a lovely conversation with my father, finally. He no longer is pretending I'm dead. Yay. He is going on a RV trip with my born-again Christian sister who likes to give sermons on how homosexuality is wrong (she's crazed, it is sad, she used to be normal once upon a time). During those sermons he likes to interject and tell her that he has a life partner named George and fervently convince her he is gay. While this is funny to watch, I'm extremely glad I am not going to be present during this trip. It would make reading Merlin/Arthur slash fic in my bunk extremely uncomfortable, I think. Also, my brother in law freaks me out. This is possibly because one time, several years ago, I jokingly said 'I hate you' to him, the way we younguns sometimes do. He smiled and whatever, it was fine. Later on crazy!sister comes and tells me that I made him cry. While I am proud of my ability to make grown men cry like little girls, I feel that this one was a tad unwarranted. ALSO, last time I spent more than an hour with her family, I wanted to explain to my nephews that evolution is not a dirty, filthy lie. I still have trouble believing I'm related to people who believe in creationism. This would probably be akin to telling them Santa does not exist, so it is honestly better all around that I'm not on this trip.
Then on facebook with Keith:
Keith's Status: wishes human teeth didn't require so much maintenance.
Me: Literally, my first thought was that you've encountered a tribe of cannibals and that you were helping to clean a shrine of skulls.
Is this why you guys tell me you worry about me?
Keith: Nag, that actually sounds perfectly normal. I don't know about Jeff, but my worrying extends to any new ways to hurt us you can learn (hence Roller Derby and how you need not involve yourself).
Me: Did he tell you I want to learn how to use a broadsword? I'm having a bit of an Arthurian legend phase.
Keith: Again, you do not need outside sharp objects. Your teeth and nails are fine enough!
And finally, over AIM with Dora, I realized I'm possibly schizophrenic:
Dora: Should I keep my hair long?
Me: I don't know. I'm the worst person to ask- you didn't actually see my new haircut because I had my hair up. I couldn't figure out if I wanted it long or short, so the blonde got cut into a bob and the brown was kept long. It's grown out now, but you can still see the lines of it.
Dora: lol
Me: I am incredibly indecisive about hair. Which is why I have two cuts. And two colors.
It occurs to me that I probably should not have been allowed to speak with people at all today. I keep saying things and then looking back and going 'what just came out of my mouth?' I should have figured this out when I kept having to stop in the middle of the lengthy fic I am reading and going, how does this make me feel? Why can't I connect with this characters? I never do that, ever. Except when I am exhausted beyond my capabilities.
Possibly, I should not even be posting this. I feel like it is the equivalent of word vomit that I want to put on the internet so people will know that if I quietly go insane, it began here.
Lastly, I know I am failing at my song title fic meme. I owe two, okay? I'm having brain shortages. There's a possibility I was attacked by zombies in my sleep.
Here are snippets of conversations I've had today:
Actually, let's start last night. Jeff was about to leave, and we were discussing my aunt's penchant for accusing random people of being lesbians.
Jeff: Your aunt is crazy. You're not a lesbian. You're a dude.
Me: Oh, well that explains everything.
This one is highly paraphrased and possibly biased. In summary, my mother sent me an email of how upset she is that I haven't found a job yet and basically blamed our large amount of debt on me. Now this accusation is highly unrealistic in retrospect and has much to do with my mother's hermit-like status and own personal misery because she refuses to leave the house and find friends, but I have parent-issues, because it basically resulted in me bawling and wanting comfort. Especially since I received this email before I'd even had breakfast:
Me: blah blah blah I am having a bad day, cheer me up.
Boyfriend: blah stop crying blah blah It is extremely hard to find employment right now, your mom just doesn't understand blah blah blah -twenty minutes of highly analytical speak that does absolutely nothing for my mind frame-
Me: -wants compliments- No, I think it's because I'm stupid.
Boyfriend: That's not the reason, it's because of the economy blah stop crying
Me: -fishing for a single compliment in this conversation, and also no longer crying and annoyed at being accused of doing so- And that I'm stupid.
Boyfriend: No, your stupidity has nothing to do with it. -more analytical talk that he seemed to believe I didn't understand; which contrary to my compliment fishing, I am aware that I am not stupid; I have a three point six GPA for god's sake-
Me: You suck at this cheering up thing. -inwardly thinking, all I fucking want is you to tell me I'm smart and that it will be okay-
Boyfriend: Yeah, that's because I'm trying to figure out how to post bail for Sidh. I'm at the jail right now.
Me: -blinks- Oh, what did Sidh do?
Boyfriend: blah blah some girl took sixty bucks from him and stuck it in her purse and refused to give it back. She threatened to scream. Blah blah -is extremely long winded- -has horrible english- -is basically an ode to how he loves his best friend to bits and wants to ride his dick-
Me: -confused- -wondering why Sidh is still picking up random girls when he has a girlfriend- -wondering when boyfriend will just admit he likes it up the ass already and how he got to be so fail at giving comfort-
Boyfriend: -continues talking-
Me: So...what you're saying is, Sidh stole this girl's purse?
Boyfriend: Well, he was drunk. It's a long story, and I've got to go. -hangs up-
Me: I take it back. I'm not stupid. Sidh is.
Then I had a lovely conversation with my father, finally. He no longer is pretending I'm dead. Yay. He is going on a RV trip with my born-again Christian sister who likes to give sermons on how homosexuality is wrong (she's crazed, it is sad, she used to be normal once upon a time). During those sermons he likes to interject and tell her that he has a life partner named George and fervently convince her he is gay. While this is funny to watch, I'm extremely glad I am not going to be present during this trip. It would make reading Merlin/Arthur slash fic in my bunk extremely uncomfortable, I think. Also, my brother in law freaks me out. This is possibly because one time, several years ago, I jokingly said 'I hate you' to him, the way we younguns sometimes do. He smiled and whatever, it was fine. Later on crazy!sister comes and tells me that I made him cry. While I am proud of my ability to make grown men cry like little girls, I feel that this one was a tad unwarranted. ALSO, last time I spent more than an hour with her family, I wanted to explain to my nephews that evolution is not a dirty, filthy lie. I still have trouble believing I'm related to people who believe in creationism. This would probably be akin to telling them Santa does not exist, so it is honestly better all around that I'm not on this trip.
Then on facebook with Keith:
Keith's Status: wishes human teeth didn't require so much maintenance.
Me: Literally, my first thought was that you've encountered a tribe of cannibals and that you were helping to clean a shrine of skulls.
Is this why you guys tell me you worry about me?
Keith: Nag, that actually sounds perfectly normal. I don't know about Jeff, but my worrying extends to any new ways to hurt us you can learn (hence Roller Derby and how you need not involve yourself).
Me: Did he tell you I want to learn how to use a broadsword? I'm having a bit of an Arthurian legend phase.
Keith: Again, you do not need outside sharp objects. Your teeth and nails are fine enough!
And finally, over AIM with Dora, I realized I'm possibly schizophrenic:
Dora: Should I keep my hair long?
Me: I don't know. I'm the worst person to ask- you didn't actually see my new haircut because I had my hair up. I couldn't figure out if I wanted it long or short, so the blonde got cut into a bob and the brown was kept long. It's grown out now, but you can still see the lines of it.
Dora: lol
Me: I am incredibly indecisive about hair. Which is why I have two cuts. And two colors.
It occurs to me that I probably should not have been allowed to speak with people at all today. I keep saying things and then looking back and going 'what just came out of my mouth?' I should have figured this out when I kept having to stop in the middle of the lengthy fic I am reading and going, how does this make me feel? Why can't I connect with this characters? I never do that, ever. Except when I am exhausted beyond my capabilities.
Possibly, I should not even be posting this. I feel like it is the equivalent of word vomit that I want to put on the internet so people will know that if I quietly go insane, it began here.
Lastly, I know I am failing at my song title fic meme. I owe two, okay? I'm having brain shortages. There's a possibility I was attacked by zombies in my sleep.