Overwhelmed.
I am so broken right now, and I'm so confused, and I don't even know if I did the right thing.
I called him, and I told him that maybe if it was going to hurt me so much, maybe we shouldn't stay in contact. I didn't want to. But people keep telling me... And I don't know. I guess it makes sense? If I just have to watch while he...
(but it goes without saying that i stay because i love him, because we are best friends, because if the whole world abandons him i know i never will, because watching even from a distance is better than losing him completely, but no one seems to want me to do that, and sarah and a few other people think it would be better this way, and i hate them for it)
I told him this, and I was calm, so calm, and quite strong.
But he broke.
He sounded bewildered and then confused, then angry, and then lost. He cried. Gomen na... I do not know what I am supposed to do any more. I do not want to do this. He does not want it to happen. But I don't even know if there's another way. At this point I am inclined to believe that watching him be happy with someone else, as much as it hurts, would be better than listening to him crack wide open like he does, to listen to him say what we know we both are for each other.
Timing is never right. Timing is never right. My heart is breaking and it's worse because I know his is too.
I didn't know he still cared that way, until today, and I could hear it in his crying.
I tried to call back and he is not answering his phone, he is not answering anything, and I called Dani and Dani said he has cancelled all his plans, and wants to be alone. The last words Ava said to me were, "Who told you to do this?! Who possibly told you this could be a good idea?!"
And now I am so sorry I did it. Because watching from a distance is preferable to this hell of having him carved out of my life. From his tone on the phone, I know he feels the same.
Ava, gomen na.
Gomen na.
I called him, and I told him that maybe if it was going to hurt me so much, maybe we shouldn't stay in contact. I didn't want to. But people keep telling me... And I don't know. I guess it makes sense? If I just have to watch while he...
(but it goes without saying that i stay because i love him, because we are best friends, because if the whole world abandons him i know i never will, because watching even from a distance is better than losing him completely, but no one seems to want me to do that, and sarah and a few other people think it would be better this way, and i hate them for it)
I told him this, and I was calm, so calm, and quite strong.
But he broke.
He sounded bewildered and then confused, then angry, and then lost. He cried. Gomen na... I do not know what I am supposed to do any more. I do not want to do this. He does not want it to happen. But I don't even know if there's another way. At this point I am inclined to believe that watching him be happy with someone else, as much as it hurts, would be better than listening to him crack wide open like he does, to listen to him say what we know we both are for each other.
Timing is never right. Timing is never right. My heart is breaking and it's worse because I know his is too.
I didn't know he still cared that way, until today, and I could hear it in his crying.
I tried to call back and he is not answering his phone, he is not answering anything, and I called Dani and Dani said he has cancelled all his plans, and wants to be alone. The last words Ava said to me were, "Who told you to do this?! Who possibly told you this could be a good idea?!"
And now I am so sorry I did it. Because watching from a distance is preferable to this hell of having him carved out of my life. From his tone on the phone, I know he feels the same.
Ava, gomen na.
Gomen na.