So yeah....... it’s been tough
It's been a rough Summer so far, things have calmed down now so I guess it's a good time to get it out.
First having to sign up for 5 classes during the Summer to ensure finishing my BFA By December was daunting. But with the full intention of dropping one so I could have at least 4 left was my silver lining then. Being separated from my new smaller MFA class was kinda weird too. Because we're so small it kinda forced an instant closeness. Which when you really think about it isn't totally likely with 12 different people from across the country, but we all genuinely care about each other. Anyway going back at the bar for work and going to school made a full schedule for me not leaving much time to visit people from home either, so isolation was creeping back into my life, but I was making due you know making it work the best I could. And I'm not saying there weren't good things that happened, ie. BSE was in effect with beach trips and small outings, one of my very close got married, another good friend is getting married, I did some extra work on a new show for NBC this fall, my friends' singing group is performing soon and just being home is good. But speaking of making plans and looking forward to stuff.
My two closest friends back down at school were gonna come up on July 7th for the weekend, but that didn't happen. Jackie died in a car accident on July 4th coming back from Vegas. Our other classmate was also in the car but thankfully she was ok. I can't even imagine what it must've been like to be in the car and I truly hope she's able to work through it. What sucks about it was finding out through here, Myspace. After not being able to get a hold of them we stopped by her page and saw all these comments saying, "We'll miss you" "You will always be loved" and having to message these people to try and get information. I mean it's not like it's anyone's fault but it was rather strange and surreal. I don't know how we got through that moment of finding out the news but all I can say is that having these classmates pull together in such a way, with utter support, compassion, focus and grace is something you always hope to have in these situations and are extremely grateful when it stands up to the challenge. Telling someone you love that a loved one has died is not fun and I don't recommend it.
Jackie was a very special person to me. Because, well.... you know sometimes when you meet someone and you just know each other and understand what the other person is saying without a whole lot of explanation. From the beginning we knew we had similar senses of humor. I would remember peoples names for her. I mean seriously we would have full conversations with people and as they would walk away she would look at me and I'd say, "Noah" and she would say, "Ok I though so" I mean to her credit it was a whole new school, state and time zone for her, but we both acknowledged comedic value of the situation. I hold Jackie responsible for getting me through this past year, whole heartedly. We were scene partners almost exclusively the entire 1st semester of school, and she was a wonderful partner. I think partially because of our mutual height. The best thing about her working with Jackie was that you felt safe. Safe enough to try anything, to say anything and to challenge everything. Believe it or not you don't get that from just anyone. It takes a person of true self-awareness and focus to allow themselves and their partner to be free on stage. The most vivid things I remember about her were laughs, all of them. From the honest, to the forced, to the polite, to the shocked to the truly truly joyful. It's a very thin line that leads you to the people you meet and a very special thread that connects you to the people you are SUPPOSED to meet, She was the latter and I am forever grateful. I could go on and on but I'll end this part with this, she was my rock, my sounding board, my constant confidant, my scene partner, classmate, my party partner and my friend, BEST, and I will always remember what I learned from her and what she meant to me.
So this happened on July 4th we found out July 6th and when I was finally realizing that this really happened and beginning to accept what was going on something else happened. July 8th after being with our mentors from school, who thankfully happened to be in town, sharing mutual stories about Jackie I get a phone call from my brother. My father had been a car accident, and we weren't sure what had happened at this point but given recent events all I wanted to know was where he was at. So I got in my car and drove to the UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento. While on the road I was very conscious of how I was driving and clutching the picture of Jackie, that I had just gotten from our mentors, asking her to tell me that it was all going to be okay, and I knew she was with me. I get there and learn that he's stable but heavily medicated and has sustained; a bruised lung, and collapsed lung, broken ribs, a bruised bladder, fractures around his right ocular socket and cuts all over. He was lucky to be alive. Seatbelts People, SEATBELTS!!! They work! There were a lot of people in the waiting area waiting for him, but when it was time Betty and myself came in to see him, and I gotta say, I didn't even recognize him at first, his face was extremely swollen and there were all of these tubes coming out of almost everywhere, but he was ok. I stayed the night and the next morning Betty, his S.O., and I went to see the truck and it was scary how bad it was. In process of getting his things from the truck we came across his cell phone that still had some of his blood on it, another surreal not supposed to be happening moment I'll never forget. I saw him again before I left but still he was too woozy to realize where he was or who was there. Then I found myself with a strange choice. Instead of trying to find a way to go lay my friend to rest with her family and friends back in Philadelphia I had to stay close for my Dad. I'm not saying it was a burden or the wrong choice but it was tough because I wished I could've been in two places at once. Over the next few weekends I went up to see my dad and saw that he was returning to his old self more and more. It's going to be a long road but he's going to make it back to around where he once was.
In the midst of this I had the previously mentioned 5 classes and work at the bar obligations to take care of. It was at this point where I guess the survivor mode kicked in with vigor because I knew that neither my father and especially Jackie would want me to fuck up with school on their account. Now I'm not saying I didn't miss some classes and got straight A's in their honor but I did pass each class. Jackie had said that she was so proud that I was getting all of this done and I knew couldn't let her down. My Dad has been very supportive in these past years of me pursuing my dream and I knew I couldn't let him down. And most of all I couldn't allow myself the excuse of giving up.
So now that school is over I have the rest of this month to have a summer. Also now that there are less distractions from the tragedies that have occurred I find my self stronger but at a loss for so many things. They say the scars of tragedy heal over time, I don't really know at the moment but I guess so. Until then I'll try to enjoy what I am supposed to enjoy because maybe then I'll feel something different.
First having to sign up for 5 classes during the Summer to ensure finishing my BFA By December was daunting. But with the full intention of dropping one so I could have at least 4 left was my silver lining then. Being separated from my new smaller MFA class was kinda weird too. Because we're so small it kinda forced an instant closeness. Which when you really think about it isn't totally likely with 12 different people from across the country, but we all genuinely care about each other. Anyway going back at the bar for work and going to school made a full schedule for me not leaving much time to visit people from home either, so isolation was creeping back into my life, but I was making due you know making it work the best I could. And I'm not saying there weren't good things that happened, ie. BSE was in effect with beach trips and small outings, one of my very close got married, another good friend is getting married, I did some extra work on a new show for NBC this fall, my friends' singing group is performing soon and just being home is good. But speaking of making plans and looking forward to stuff.
My two closest friends back down at school were gonna come up on July 7th for the weekend, but that didn't happen. Jackie died in a car accident on July 4th coming back from Vegas. Our other classmate was also in the car but thankfully she was ok. I can't even imagine what it must've been like to be in the car and I truly hope she's able to work through it. What sucks about it was finding out through here, Myspace. After not being able to get a hold of them we stopped by her page and saw all these comments saying, "We'll miss you" "You will always be loved" and having to message these people to try and get information. I mean it's not like it's anyone's fault but it was rather strange and surreal. I don't know how we got through that moment of finding out the news but all I can say is that having these classmates pull together in such a way, with utter support, compassion, focus and grace is something you always hope to have in these situations and are extremely grateful when it stands up to the challenge. Telling someone you love that a loved one has died is not fun and I don't recommend it.
Jackie was a very special person to me. Because, well.... you know sometimes when you meet someone and you just know each other and understand what the other person is saying without a whole lot of explanation. From the beginning we knew we had similar senses of humor. I would remember peoples names for her. I mean seriously we would have full conversations with people and as they would walk away she would look at me and I'd say, "Noah" and she would say, "Ok I though so" I mean to her credit it was a whole new school, state and time zone for her, but we both acknowledged comedic value of the situation. I hold Jackie responsible for getting me through this past year, whole heartedly. We were scene partners almost exclusively the entire 1st semester of school, and she was a wonderful partner. I think partially because of our mutual height. The best thing about her working with Jackie was that you felt safe. Safe enough to try anything, to say anything and to challenge everything. Believe it or not you don't get that from just anyone. It takes a person of true self-awareness and focus to allow themselves and their partner to be free on stage. The most vivid things I remember about her were laughs, all of them. From the honest, to the forced, to the polite, to the shocked to the truly truly joyful. It's a very thin line that leads you to the people you meet and a very special thread that connects you to the people you are SUPPOSED to meet, She was the latter and I am forever grateful. I could go on and on but I'll end this part with this, she was my rock, my sounding board, my constant confidant, my scene partner, classmate, my party partner and my friend, BEST, and I will always remember what I learned from her and what she meant to me.
So this happened on July 4th we found out July 6th and when I was finally realizing that this really happened and beginning to accept what was going on something else happened. July 8th after being with our mentors from school, who thankfully happened to be in town, sharing mutual stories about Jackie I get a phone call from my brother. My father had been a car accident, and we weren't sure what had happened at this point but given recent events all I wanted to know was where he was at. So I got in my car and drove to the UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento. While on the road I was very conscious of how I was driving and clutching the picture of Jackie, that I had just gotten from our mentors, asking her to tell me that it was all going to be okay, and I knew she was with me. I get there and learn that he's stable but heavily medicated and has sustained; a bruised lung, and collapsed lung, broken ribs, a bruised bladder, fractures around his right ocular socket and cuts all over. He was lucky to be alive. Seatbelts People, SEATBELTS!!! They work! There were a lot of people in the waiting area waiting for him, but when it was time Betty and myself came in to see him, and I gotta say, I didn't even recognize him at first, his face was extremely swollen and there were all of these tubes coming out of almost everywhere, but he was ok. I stayed the night and the next morning Betty, his S.O., and I went to see the truck and it was scary how bad it was. In process of getting his things from the truck we came across his cell phone that still had some of his blood on it, another surreal not supposed to be happening moment I'll never forget. I saw him again before I left but still he was too woozy to realize where he was or who was there. Then I found myself with a strange choice. Instead of trying to find a way to go lay my friend to rest with her family and friends back in Philadelphia I had to stay close for my Dad. I'm not saying it was a burden or the wrong choice but it was tough because I wished I could've been in two places at once. Over the next few weekends I went up to see my dad and saw that he was returning to his old self more and more. It's going to be a long road but he's going to make it back to around where he once was.
In the midst of this I had the previously mentioned 5 classes and work at the bar obligations to take care of. It was at this point where I guess the survivor mode kicked in with vigor because I knew that neither my father and especially Jackie would want me to fuck up with school on their account. Now I'm not saying I didn't miss some classes and got straight A's in their honor but I did pass each class. Jackie had said that she was so proud that I was getting all of this done and I knew couldn't let her down. My Dad has been very supportive in these past years of me pursuing my dream and I knew I couldn't let him down. And most of all I couldn't allow myself the excuse of giving up.
So now that school is over I have the rest of this month to have a summer. Also now that there are less distractions from the tragedies that have occurred I find my self stronger but at a loss for so many things. They say the scars of tragedy heal over time, I don't really know at the moment but I guess so. Until then I'll try to enjoy what I am supposed to enjoy because maybe then I'll feel something different.