42. [TEXT POST | ANONISH ]
~*~*~ SEVENTH EDITION :: NEWSFLASH BULLETIN GOSSIP MAGAZINE MONTHLY~*~*~
Hello, good refugees of Thor! Today, we've put together a special newsflash bulletin of the SECRET LIVES OF YOUR FELLOW REFUGEES!!! Also known as SLOYRF, also known as SLFR! This information has been gathered by both citizens and other refugees alike, and is certainly not for everyone to witness! It's deep, it's real, and it's scandalous. You won't believe half of the things featured today, in this issue! Your fellow refugees have been hiding secrets about both their selves and their doings like you wouldn't believe. But we've got the scoop, and if you like what you see, please subscribe to Newsflash Bulletin monthly. We're always taking refugees on as interns and reporters, as well! Note: Newsflash Bulletin does not actually pay it's interns or reporters.
Without further adieu, please, delve into this month's juiciest issue, now featured on the network for your benefit!
REFUGEES GONE WILD: SCANDALOUS SECRETS
SECRET ONE: DINOCRISIS ISN'T JUST A HUMAN DISC-GAME ANYMORE
Watch out, our good refugees of Thor, there's something rotten in the state of Denmark! Or, should we say, there's something dinosaur in the state of Demark? That's right, there is a dinosaur among you, and not your average every day dino! In fact, among you is a very dangerous dinosaur - a Vampire Magical Transforming Braineater Dinosaur.
Every thirteen days, Garrus Vakarian transforms into the beast pictured here. He's half vampire, half magic, half transformical, half braineater, and half dinosaur. While transformed into his true state, he is extremely deadly and if seen, must be avoided at all costs!! Rumor has it that his mother was a dinosaur, and his father a magical vampire of lore! In this state, his natural prey is brains, so beware! If bitten by the beast, if you aren't killed and eaten on the spot, you'll transform into a Vampire Magical Transforming Braineater Dinosaur, henceforth known as VMTBD, as well! No man, child, alien, animal, or school girl is safe! He has been spotted in the lower parts of the ship, chasing small children in an attempt to make them his lunch! If you come in contact with the beast, please, see a doctor immediately! It's currently unknown if there are any side affects of coming into contact with the creature! If you witness any further activity by this beast, let us know immediately! Newsflash Bulletin will be tracking his movements, for your safety!
*
*
*
SECRET TWO: OTAKU INSANITY, NO ONE WANTS THAT MUCH DOUJINSHI YOU FOOL!!!
After noticing several alien children going missing from their families and homes, after delving deeper into the issue, this reporter has found out a horrible shocking truth! A doujinshi sweatshop has been run in secret for months, enslaving poor grade-school alien children to draw unrealistically handsome men “porking” one another and, much to our shock and surprise, other refugees in obscene acts!
Notorious refugee, Renge Houshakuji, has been running this illicit disturbing sweatshop right under out noses for months! The children range from the ages 4-7, and are put to work 23 hours a day, allowing only an hour of sleep a night! Children have been reported as missing fingers from too much drawing, and clawing their own eyes out at the obscene scenes that only Otaku can find enjoyment out of! And that's not all! Much of the content features the refugees of Thor in comprising situations, which she sells out of a black van (the same van she uses to snatch unsuspecting children) down behind the Thor's great mall! Hold onto your children, folks, because this Otaku slave driver will snatch them up and put them to work drawing booklets of R rated content for her jollies!
*
*
*
SECRET THREE: DOUBLE LIFE, BETTER THAN FLIPPING BURGERS, MAYBE
Thought you knew your fellow refugee? Well, this shocking and true story will prove you wrong! For, you never know what kind of life your neighbor and fellow man might actually be leading - it may be more scandalous and fabulous than you thought! Well, prepare yourself ladies and gentlemen, for there's one man who lives two lives - and one of those lives is as Cocoa Butter!
Cocoa Butter, also known as Renji Abarai, is a back up pole dancer in the popular club “Nickles and Boobs” in the slums of the Thor. However, if you've been there and haven't seen Cocoa Butter on the pole, don't be surprised! Despite pole dancing being his greatest ambition, Cocoa Butter is actually only a back up pole dancer, dancing only when Shimmer Pigeon needs to go on break! Otherwise, Cocoa Butter washes dishes in the back kitchen of the club, but don't worry folks! Cocoa Butter will work his way up the pole dancing grapevine yet! Additionally, Cocoa Butter has been arrested 4 times to starting brawls in the club, due to his extreme rage and anger issues! His “manfriend”, Hunk Biscuit, was unavailable for comment on Cocoa's rage issues and imprisonment.
*
*
*
SECRET FOUR: HANDS OFF MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU DOUCHE!!
Ladies and gentlemen, watch out for your lovely girlfriends: there's a masked vigilante on the loose, after their hearts! Thanks to us, you can be prepared for the worst with this handsome heartbreaker! It's scandal on a whole new level - if you're not careful, your girlfriend might leave you lonely for this charming rose-throwing cad!
That's right! Unsocial grumpy refugee, Neku Sakuraba, is a totally different man by night! His MO is the same every time, he's out to charm and whisk away beautiful taken women from the ages 17 to 25! So if you've got yourself a pretty girlfriend in that age bracket, watch out, chances are he'll be approaching her next! With a smirk and a rose, he'll win her heart, like he's done to so many others! As far as we know, to date, he has wooed 23 women, and has broken all of their hearts once he had his way with them and moved onto the next! As far as we know, he tends to approach these ladies at night, so beware girls! Don't let his charming exterior and mysterious allure catch you!
*
*
*
SECRET FIVE: STOP BEATING UP LITTLE GIRLS FOR THEIR TOYS
Whatever happened to picking on someone your own size, huh? Apparently that no longer means anything! After a series of little girls getting robbed for their stuffed animals, this reporter decided to follow up on the story, and what a story it was! Yes, there's a refugee that beats up little girls for their stuffed friends, good Thor! What kind of person would do this? ...Someone who secretly wants to own all the stuffed animals that he can!
One of Thor's most notorious punks strikes again! Greaseball, Yusuke Urameshi, is at his usual antics, only with a bit of a twist. Dozens of little girls have been left bereft of their beloved stuffed toys because of this stuffed animal fiend, who punches little girls in the face and then makes off with their fluffy treasures. That's not all! The thug keeps the stuffed animals, and stores them in his room for himself! If he loves stuffed animals so much, why won't he buy his own? That's what we thought! But apparently the punk enjoys stealing from little girls as much as he loves to cuddle up in a pile of cuteness! What's next, stealing candy from babies? We wouldn't put it past this guy!
*
*
*
SECRET SIX: SO THAT'S WHY HE'S SO FREAKING RICH
Making money is something we all need to do, be it citizen or refugee. However, one refugee has taken his money laundering ways far too... well, far! Underneath his exterior of friendliness and kindness, lies a greedy scary sort of man! He befriends girls under the guise of a friendly fellow, and turns of them in their hour of need! That's right, refugees, there's a sugar daddy among you.
Handsome innocent-looking refugee, Kaoru Hitachiin, is a trap! Underneath his friendly exterior and charming smile lies a cruel businessman, one out for himself! He befriends young girls, and then indoctrinates them as workers into his booty house - a crude bright pink building on the lower levels of Thor! Hitachiin doesn't run the booty house himself, though, because he has to keep up appearances. We cornered his main man, Sludge, who confessed his boss's crimes right to us! Aside from putting girls into the horrible line of work of selling their bodies, he also skips out on paying his taxes and only showers once a week! We don't even know if “Kaoru” is his real name - for all we know, it could be something as greasy as he is, like “Bob” or “Roger”!
*
*
*
SECRET SEVEN: HONOR STUDENT? OR... DISHONOR STUDENT?
Honor students are so well looked upon in our society for well-doing and high academic achievement! Rightly so, our society functions on good hardworking people. But what happens when the people we think are good turn out to be bad? It's a terrible terrible thing! And sadly, good refugees of Thor, there's a bad apple in the previously good bunch. In fact, this bad apple may have robbed you this very day!
Beloved refugee, Maka Albarn, is more than just a cute face and an A plus grade. It's been reported to and proven by News Bulletin that Little Miss Maka is, in fact, an extreme kleptomaniac! It began innocently enough - by taking books from libraries and not returning them. However, she continued to actual bookstores, and then clothing stores and restaurants. It didn't end there! Now, dear refugees, she's been stealing from strangers and friends alike! Nabbing purses and wallets, stealing bracelets from ladies and watches from men, the list is endless! She'll steal from children and old people, hobos and babies, and even charity drives! When will it end?! Rumor has it that the police has been notified of her thefts, and is planning to take action relatively soon. There has been, however, no comment from said police. Hopefully Little Miss Maka will be behind bars soon, and our wallets and stores will be safe!
*
*
*
SECRET EIGHT: SWEET 18? WE THINK NOT. THE OPPOSITE OF SWEET 18. WE THINK YES.
The pressures of young girls to show themselves off to the public is extreme! Ever since the invention of the network and private texting, good girls have been going naughty more and more frequently! One sweet refugee who we never thought would go so low has - she's been posting naughty pictures of herself all around the slums and posing for whoever wants a shot!
Quirky tomboy, Lien Kha, has proven to all how much she's grown up these past few months! There have been naughty pics of the girl circulating the underground and network alike, and according to sources, she wants them to be there! In an attempt to prove herself a real woman, Kha has been donning the black lacey bras and short riding jeans, and posing for the camera in provocative poses almost every night. “She wants to snag herself a few hot boyfriends,” reports a source, “younger, older, she doesn't care! She just wants them all to drool all over her.” Who knew that this was going on behind the scenes of this sweet girl? We didn't, that's for sure! How scandalous, indeed!
*
*
*
SECRET NINE: EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE TOP DOG
We've heard this story before - innocent looking enough individual ends up being a sexual deviant! However, we never expected it from the strange yet interesting refugee we heard was working as a professional dominatrix! But yes, dear refugees, such a person is among you!
The intriguing, Shiro Yoshiwara, has struck and confused us all once again! For an individual who doesn't seem particularly assertive, it's been reported to the Newsflash Bulletin that Yoshiwara has a very exciting nightlife! For the right amount of money, he'll whip you silly, and then some! Whatever you're into, he's into! Yes, that's right, he's a professional dominatrix, and very high in the industry! If you can't cough up the dough, then he won't even look in your general direction! There's also word of him doubling as a courtesan, at the minimum of 10,000 credits a night! Wowzah!
*
*
*
SECRET TEN: WE COULD TELL YOU THE REAL TITLE BUT THEN WE'D HAVE TO KILL YOU
There are many secrets aboard the Thor, but perhaps one of the biggest secrets is the Thor's mafia - and who exactly is in this mafia. They're a dangerous bunch, who wear false smiles and scare the crap out of whoever happen to get in their way - and among the refugees, we've finally found out someone who happens to be apart of the frightening organization.
Single mother, Cho Hakkai, has been discovered as being a hitman for the mafia, as well as part of it's inner workings. No one serves up a dish of death better than Cho, who also happens to be an acclaimed cook. Kind and gentle on the outside, he fools us all into thinking he's an upstanding citizen by adopting love depraved children and taking care of them as though they're his own. However, this is nothing but a farce. While we were unable to question his “children”, we have heard rumors that he plans to indoctrinate them into the mafia as well, once they become of age. The first reporter we put on this case was later found dead, killed by who we can only assume is the mafia member himself, Cho Hakkai. We've run the risk of printing this in this segment for your safety, Thor, and we recommend that you take precaution when dealing with the mobster.
*
*
*
SECRET ELEVEN: THERE'S A STAMPEDE, IN THE GORGE
You should never judge a book by it's cover - they say that about nasty covers, but what about when the cover is sweet? Yes, Thor's refugees, there's one among you whom you'd best watch out for! A certain refugee who seems sweet and kind has been discovered as having extreme anger issues, as well as the ability to - as they say - “hulk out” when provoked.
Normally sweet and gentle, Shiemi Moriyama, definitely is more than meets the eye. When provoked, the girl flies off the handle, and destroys everything in sight. She's broken the legs of three grown men, the tentacles of an innocent Guredo standing nearby, and annihilated a school in a fit of rage. One such sighting happened not too long ago. A witness tells us, Moriyama saw another girl checking out her boyfriend, Lloyd Irving, and went into a fit of jealous rage. She was so mad, she punched the other girl so hard she was forced into another dimension due to sheer force. If you value your lives, you'll avoid this maniac as best you can, lest you taste her rage.
*
*
*
SECRET TWELVE: BEWARE, BOYS, OF BLONDS
The prettiest faces hide the most gruesome secrets, and this young refugee is no exception. In fact, we would have never caught onto her act, had it not been for one of our most dedicated reporters, who died in the process of getting the scoop. In his honor, we print this segment... the soul-sucking succubus.
The young artist, Naminé, has never been anything but polite and sweet … in the face of the public. However, she holds a dark secret about herself - one that must be known, for the safety of the general public - the girl is a soul-sucking succubus. She feeds on the souls of her fellow refugees, going about like a shadow in the night, sucking souls and charming young men into falling in love with her, so she'll have souls to suck later. She's a demon in disguise, wearing white as a distraction from her cruel and disturbing true nature. Her kiss is deadly, and all those who have kissed her have had their souls sucked out in a matter of seconds. Those who have had their souls sucked have fallen into deep comas and have been hidden in various places around Thor - under the guise of having been, as the refugees coined the term, “wormholed”. Watch yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, and don't fall into her trap! While she seems alluring and charming, don't be fooled!
*
*
*
SECRET THIRTEEN: CAN IT ALL REALLY FIT UNDER THAT KIMONO?
We already knew of this refugee's antics, but we didn't know that they could get worse! Terrorism and static-y hair wigs aside, this refugee is knee deep in far more scandalous behavior than most could even imagine! He's been smuggling - and it's not just items, no, he's been smuggling alien brides aboard the Thor for almost two years now!
Eccentric refugee, Katsura Kotaru, who's real name is believed to be Chuck Anderson, had jumped on the trade train - for the better part of two years, he's been smuggling young girls on and off of Thor to be married off to officials of high standing for his own benefit. For each girl he steals and smuggles on and off the ship, he is given either 300 credits or one fluffy kitten. Kotaru allegedly smuggles the girls through Thor by hiding them either in his duck, Elizabeth, or in his own kimono. Though the true amount of girls who have gone missing by his hand is unknown, the number has been estimated to about 4,000. If you have a daughter, a girl friend, a sister, a wife - be careful, as Kotaru might snag them and smuggle them out before you can say “shitty wig”!
*
*
*
SECRET FOURTEEN: HAMANANANANANANANANA
We have many different types of people aboard the Thor, as refugees can be picked up from just about anywhere! However, little have an ancestry as interesting as this refugee, ignoring the beast from Secret One. One of our very own refugees happens to be half human... and half hammerhead shark!
Spazzy danger-prone refugee, Yosuke Hanamura, is part hammerhead shark! His mother was human, while his dad was a hammerhead shark. Neat, right? It's a fascinating mixture, and according to a few sources, the reason why he's so prone to accidents and bad luck! “The hammerhead shark is a naturally unlucky species,” one doctor proclaims, “so mixing a hammerhead shark and a human would create an individual who would have much less good luck than a human, but less bad luck than a hammerhead shark!” Get married soon and have some kids, Hanamura, we're all interested to see how the hammerhead gene cements inside of them!
*
*
*
SECRET FIFTEEN: ROYALTY KNOWS NO BOUNDS
Perhaps one of the biggest scandals we've dug up in recent years, as it happens, one refugee on the Thor has had an affair with a princess! One of the most beautiful princesses, in fact, from one of the planets long past. It was a brief affair, but steamy all the same.
Dapper and charming refugee, Hatsuharu Sohma, won the heart of the fair Princess Juxiibidala, some months ago, and proceeded to have an affair with her for fifteen days. They went on romantic walks, kissed passionately, and rumor has it that they planned to elope with one another! However, the princess was engaged to another, and ended up feeling guilty about her deeds - just about the time Thor was making to leave the planet, left unnamed for the protection of all parties involved. But is the affair really over? According to sources, both Hatsuharu and Princess Juxiibidala still yearn for one another, and there have been talks of a secret meetup between them. You go, Hatsuharu!
That's all, folks! And remember, this is all true and if you like it, subscribe to our magazine!
[ooc: Muns all gave me permission for the abuse of their characters! 8) Feel free to go crazy, mingle, comment to whoever on whatever, threadjack, etc -- seriously, let's get some activity up in here! I just spent like five hours on this so I swear to god you guys better enjoy it. Just a heads up that not everything here is Safe For Work! Also, naturally, everything is untrue and made up by this gossip magazine. Mieu didn't actually "write" it, though he's friends with the magazine that published it. His guide is just being used as a way of getting into the refugee network. :) Have fun!]
Hello, good refugees of Thor! Today, we've put together a special newsflash bulletin of the SECRET LIVES OF YOUR FELLOW REFUGEES!!! Also known as SLOYRF, also known as SLFR! This information has been gathered by both citizens and other refugees alike, and is certainly not for everyone to witness! It's deep, it's real, and it's scandalous. You won't believe half of the things featured today, in this issue! Your fellow refugees have been hiding secrets about both their selves and their doings like you wouldn't believe. But we've got the scoop, and if you like what you see, please subscribe to Newsflash Bulletin monthly. We're always taking refugees on as interns and reporters, as well! Note: Newsflash Bulletin does not actually pay it's interns or reporters.
Without further adieu, please, delve into this month's juiciest issue, now featured on the network for your benefit!
REFUGEES GONE WILD: SCANDALOUS SECRETS
SECRET ONE: DINOCRISIS ISN'T JUST A HUMAN DISC-GAME ANYMORE
Watch out, our good refugees of Thor, there's something rotten in the state of Denmark! Or, should we say, there's something dinosaur in the state of Demark? That's right, there is a dinosaur among you, and not your average every day dino! In fact, among you is a very dangerous dinosaur - a Vampire Magical Transforming Braineater Dinosaur.
Every thirteen days, Garrus Vakarian transforms into the beast pictured here. He's half vampire, half magic, half transformical, half braineater, and half dinosaur. While transformed into his true state, he is extremely deadly and if seen, must be avoided at all costs!! Rumor has it that his mother was a dinosaur, and his father a magical vampire of lore! In this state, his natural prey is brains, so beware! If bitten by the beast, if you aren't killed and eaten on the spot, you'll transform into a Vampire Magical Transforming Braineater Dinosaur, henceforth known as VMTBD, as well! No man, child, alien, animal, or school girl is safe! He has been spotted in the lower parts of the ship, chasing small children in an attempt to make them his lunch! If you come in contact with the beast, please, see a doctor immediately! It's currently unknown if there are any side affects of coming into contact with the creature! If you witness any further activity by this beast, let us know immediately! Newsflash Bulletin will be tracking his movements, for your safety!
*
*
*
SECRET TWO: OTAKU INSANITY, NO ONE WANTS THAT MUCH DOUJINSHI YOU FOOL!!!
After noticing several alien children going missing from their families and homes, after delving deeper into the issue, this reporter has found out a horrible shocking truth! A doujinshi sweatshop has been run in secret for months, enslaving poor grade-school alien children to draw unrealistically handsome men “porking” one another and, much to our shock and surprise, other refugees in obscene acts!
Notorious refugee, Renge Houshakuji, has been running this illicit disturbing sweatshop right under out noses for months! The children range from the ages 4-7, and are put to work 23 hours a day, allowing only an hour of sleep a night! Children have been reported as missing fingers from too much drawing, and clawing their own eyes out at the obscene scenes that only Otaku can find enjoyment out of! And that's not all! Much of the content features the refugees of Thor in comprising situations, which she sells out of a black van (the same van she uses to snatch unsuspecting children) down behind the Thor's great mall! Hold onto your children, folks, because this Otaku slave driver will snatch them up and put them to work drawing booklets of R rated content for her jollies!
*
*
*
SECRET THREE: DOUBLE LIFE, BETTER THAN FLIPPING BURGERS, MAYBE
Thought you knew your fellow refugee? Well, this shocking and true story will prove you wrong! For, you never know what kind of life your neighbor and fellow man might actually be leading - it may be more scandalous and fabulous than you thought! Well, prepare yourself ladies and gentlemen, for there's one man who lives two lives - and one of those lives is as Cocoa Butter!
Cocoa Butter, also known as Renji Abarai, is a back up pole dancer in the popular club “Nickles and Boobs” in the slums of the Thor. However, if you've been there and haven't seen Cocoa Butter on the pole, don't be surprised! Despite pole dancing being his greatest ambition, Cocoa Butter is actually only a back up pole dancer, dancing only when Shimmer Pigeon needs to go on break! Otherwise, Cocoa Butter washes dishes in the back kitchen of the club, but don't worry folks! Cocoa Butter will work his way up the pole dancing grapevine yet! Additionally, Cocoa Butter has been arrested 4 times to starting brawls in the club, due to his extreme rage and anger issues! His “manfriend”, Hunk Biscuit, was unavailable for comment on Cocoa's rage issues and imprisonment.
*
*
*
SECRET FOUR: HANDS OFF MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU DOUCHE!!
Ladies and gentlemen, watch out for your lovely girlfriends: there's a masked vigilante on the loose, after their hearts! Thanks to us, you can be prepared for the worst with this handsome heartbreaker! It's scandal on a whole new level - if you're not careful, your girlfriend might leave you lonely for this charming rose-throwing cad!
That's right! Unsocial grumpy refugee, Neku Sakuraba, is a totally different man by night! His MO is the same every time, he's out to charm and whisk away beautiful taken women from the ages 17 to 25! So if you've got yourself a pretty girlfriend in that age bracket, watch out, chances are he'll be approaching her next! With a smirk and a rose, he'll win her heart, like he's done to so many others! As far as we know, to date, he has wooed 23 women, and has broken all of their hearts once he had his way with them and moved onto the next! As far as we know, he tends to approach these ladies at night, so beware girls! Don't let his charming exterior and mysterious allure catch you!
*
*
*
SECRET FIVE: STOP BEATING UP LITTLE GIRLS FOR THEIR TOYS
Whatever happened to picking on someone your own size, huh? Apparently that no longer means anything! After a series of little girls getting robbed for their stuffed animals, this reporter decided to follow up on the story, and what a story it was! Yes, there's a refugee that beats up little girls for their stuffed friends, good Thor! What kind of person would do this? ...Someone who secretly wants to own all the stuffed animals that he can!
One of Thor's most notorious punks strikes again! Greaseball, Yusuke Urameshi, is at his usual antics, only with a bit of a twist. Dozens of little girls have been left bereft of their beloved stuffed toys because of this stuffed animal fiend, who punches little girls in the face and then makes off with their fluffy treasures. That's not all! The thug keeps the stuffed animals, and stores them in his room for himself! If he loves stuffed animals so much, why won't he buy his own? That's what we thought! But apparently the punk enjoys stealing from little girls as much as he loves to cuddle up in a pile of cuteness! What's next, stealing candy from babies? We wouldn't put it past this guy!
*
*
*
SECRET SIX: SO THAT'S WHY HE'S SO FREAKING RICH
Making money is something we all need to do, be it citizen or refugee. However, one refugee has taken his money laundering ways far too... well, far! Underneath his exterior of friendliness and kindness, lies a greedy scary sort of man! He befriends girls under the guise of a friendly fellow, and turns of them in their hour of need! That's right, refugees, there's a sugar daddy among you.
Handsome innocent-looking refugee, Kaoru Hitachiin, is a trap! Underneath his friendly exterior and charming smile lies a cruel businessman, one out for himself! He befriends young girls, and then indoctrinates them as workers into his booty house - a crude bright pink building on the lower levels of Thor! Hitachiin doesn't run the booty house himself, though, because he has to keep up appearances. We cornered his main man, Sludge, who confessed his boss's crimes right to us! Aside from putting girls into the horrible line of work of selling their bodies, he also skips out on paying his taxes and only showers once a week! We don't even know if “Kaoru” is his real name - for all we know, it could be something as greasy as he is, like “Bob” or “Roger”!
*
*
*
SECRET SEVEN: HONOR STUDENT? OR... DISHONOR STUDENT?
Honor students are so well looked upon in our society for well-doing and high academic achievement! Rightly so, our society functions on good hardworking people. But what happens when the people we think are good turn out to be bad? It's a terrible terrible thing! And sadly, good refugees of Thor, there's a bad apple in the previously good bunch. In fact, this bad apple may have robbed you this very day!
Beloved refugee, Maka Albarn, is more than just a cute face and an A plus grade. It's been reported to and proven by News Bulletin that Little Miss Maka is, in fact, an extreme kleptomaniac! It began innocently enough - by taking books from libraries and not returning them. However, she continued to actual bookstores, and then clothing stores and restaurants. It didn't end there! Now, dear refugees, she's been stealing from strangers and friends alike! Nabbing purses and wallets, stealing bracelets from ladies and watches from men, the list is endless! She'll steal from children and old people, hobos and babies, and even charity drives! When will it end?! Rumor has it that the police has been notified of her thefts, and is planning to take action relatively soon. There has been, however, no comment from said police. Hopefully Little Miss Maka will be behind bars soon, and our wallets and stores will be safe!
*
*
*
SECRET EIGHT: SWEET 18? WE THINK NOT. THE OPPOSITE OF SWEET 18. WE THINK YES.
The pressures of young girls to show themselves off to the public is extreme! Ever since the invention of the network and private texting, good girls have been going naughty more and more frequently! One sweet refugee who we never thought would go so low has - she's been posting naughty pictures of herself all around the slums and posing for whoever wants a shot!
Quirky tomboy, Lien Kha, has proven to all how much she's grown up these past few months! There have been naughty pics of the girl circulating the underground and network alike, and according to sources, she wants them to be there! In an attempt to prove herself a real woman, Kha has been donning the black lacey bras and short riding jeans, and posing for the camera in provocative poses almost every night. “She wants to snag herself a few hot boyfriends,” reports a source, “younger, older, she doesn't care! She just wants them all to drool all over her.” Who knew that this was going on behind the scenes of this sweet girl? We didn't, that's for sure! How scandalous, indeed!
*
*
*
SECRET NINE: EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE TOP DOG
We've heard this story before - innocent looking enough individual ends up being a sexual deviant! However, we never expected it from the strange yet interesting refugee we heard was working as a professional dominatrix! But yes, dear refugees, such a person is among you!
The intriguing, Shiro Yoshiwara, has struck and confused us all once again! For an individual who doesn't seem particularly assertive, it's been reported to the Newsflash Bulletin that Yoshiwara has a very exciting nightlife! For the right amount of money, he'll whip you silly, and then some! Whatever you're into, he's into! Yes, that's right, he's a professional dominatrix, and very high in the industry! If you can't cough up the dough, then he won't even look in your general direction! There's also word of him doubling as a courtesan, at the minimum of 10,000 credits a night! Wowzah!
*
*
*
SECRET TEN: WE COULD TELL YOU THE REAL TITLE BUT THEN WE'D HAVE TO KILL YOU
There are many secrets aboard the Thor, but perhaps one of the biggest secrets is the Thor's mafia - and who exactly is in this mafia. They're a dangerous bunch, who wear false smiles and scare the crap out of whoever happen to get in their way - and among the refugees, we've finally found out someone who happens to be apart of the frightening organization.
Single mother, Cho Hakkai, has been discovered as being a hitman for the mafia, as well as part of it's inner workings. No one serves up a dish of death better than Cho, who also happens to be an acclaimed cook. Kind and gentle on the outside, he fools us all into thinking he's an upstanding citizen by adopting love depraved children and taking care of them as though they're his own. However, this is nothing but a farce. While we were unable to question his “children”, we have heard rumors that he plans to indoctrinate them into the mafia as well, once they become of age. The first reporter we put on this case was later found dead, killed by who we can only assume is the mafia member himself, Cho Hakkai. We've run the risk of printing this in this segment for your safety, Thor, and we recommend that you take precaution when dealing with the mobster.
*
*
*
SECRET ELEVEN: THERE'S A STAMPEDE, IN THE GORGE
You should never judge a book by it's cover - they say that about nasty covers, but what about when the cover is sweet? Yes, Thor's refugees, there's one among you whom you'd best watch out for! A certain refugee who seems sweet and kind has been discovered as having extreme anger issues, as well as the ability to - as they say - “hulk out” when provoked.
Normally sweet and gentle, Shiemi Moriyama, definitely is more than meets the eye. When provoked, the girl flies off the handle, and destroys everything in sight. She's broken the legs of three grown men, the tentacles of an innocent Guredo standing nearby, and annihilated a school in a fit of rage. One such sighting happened not too long ago. A witness tells us, Moriyama saw another girl checking out her boyfriend, Lloyd Irving, and went into a fit of jealous rage. She was so mad, she punched the other girl so hard she was forced into another dimension due to sheer force. If you value your lives, you'll avoid this maniac as best you can, lest you taste her rage.
*
*
*
SECRET TWELVE: BEWARE, BOYS, OF BLONDS
The prettiest faces hide the most gruesome secrets, and this young refugee is no exception. In fact, we would have never caught onto her act, had it not been for one of our most dedicated reporters, who died in the process of getting the scoop. In his honor, we print this segment... the soul-sucking succubus.
The young artist, Naminé, has never been anything but polite and sweet … in the face of the public. However, she holds a dark secret about herself - one that must be known, for the safety of the general public - the girl is a soul-sucking succubus. She feeds on the souls of her fellow refugees, going about like a shadow in the night, sucking souls and charming young men into falling in love with her, so she'll have souls to suck later. She's a demon in disguise, wearing white as a distraction from her cruel and disturbing true nature. Her kiss is deadly, and all those who have kissed her have had their souls sucked out in a matter of seconds. Those who have had their souls sucked have fallen into deep comas and have been hidden in various places around Thor - under the guise of having been, as the refugees coined the term, “wormholed”. Watch yourselves, ladies and gentlemen, and don't fall into her trap! While she seems alluring and charming, don't be fooled!
*
*
*
SECRET THIRTEEN: CAN IT ALL REALLY FIT UNDER THAT KIMONO?
We already knew of this refugee's antics, but we didn't know that they could get worse! Terrorism and static-y hair wigs aside, this refugee is knee deep in far more scandalous behavior than most could even imagine! He's been smuggling - and it's not just items, no, he's been smuggling alien brides aboard the Thor for almost two years now!
Eccentric refugee, Katsura Kotaru, who's real name is believed to be Chuck Anderson, had jumped on the trade train - for the better part of two years, he's been smuggling young girls on and off of Thor to be married off to officials of high standing for his own benefit. For each girl he steals and smuggles on and off the ship, he is given either 300 credits or one fluffy kitten. Kotaru allegedly smuggles the girls through Thor by hiding them either in his duck, Elizabeth, or in his own kimono. Though the true amount of girls who have gone missing by his hand is unknown, the number has been estimated to about 4,000. If you have a daughter, a girl friend, a sister, a wife - be careful, as Kotaru might snag them and smuggle them out before you can say “shitty wig”!
*
*
*
SECRET FOURTEEN: HAMANANANANANANANANA
We have many different types of people aboard the Thor, as refugees can be picked up from just about anywhere! However, little have an ancestry as interesting as this refugee, ignoring the beast from Secret One. One of our very own refugees happens to be half human... and half hammerhead shark!
Spazzy danger-prone refugee, Yosuke Hanamura, is part hammerhead shark! His mother was human, while his dad was a hammerhead shark. Neat, right? It's a fascinating mixture, and according to a few sources, the reason why he's so prone to accidents and bad luck! “The hammerhead shark is a naturally unlucky species,” one doctor proclaims, “so mixing a hammerhead shark and a human would create an individual who would have much less good luck than a human, but less bad luck than a hammerhead shark!” Get married soon and have some kids, Hanamura, we're all interested to see how the hammerhead gene cements inside of them!
*
*
*
SECRET FIFTEEN: ROYALTY KNOWS NO BOUNDS
Perhaps one of the biggest scandals we've dug up in recent years, as it happens, one refugee on the Thor has had an affair with a princess! One of the most beautiful princesses, in fact, from one of the planets long past. It was a brief affair, but steamy all the same.
Dapper and charming refugee, Hatsuharu Sohma, won the heart of the fair Princess Juxiibidala, some months ago, and proceeded to have an affair with her for fifteen days. They went on romantic walks, kissed passionately, and rumor has it that they planned to elope with one another! However, the princess was engaged to another, and ended up feeling guilty about her deeds - just about the time Thor was making to leave the planet, left unnamed for the protection of all parties involved. But is the affair really over? According to sources, both Hatsuharu and Princess Juxiibidala still yearn for one another, and there have been talks of a secret meetup between them. You go, Hatsuharu!
That's all, folks! And remember, this is all true and if you like it, subscribe to our magazine!
[ooc: Muns all gave me permission for the abuse of their characters! 8) Feel free to go crazy, mingle, comment to whoever on whatever, threadjack, etc -- seriously, let's get some activity up in here! I just spent like five hours on this so I swear to god you guys better enjoy it. Just a heads up that not everything here is Safe For Work! Also, naturally, everything is untrue and made up by this gossip magazine. Mieu didn't actually "write" it, though he's friends with the magazine that published it. His guide is just being used as a way of getting into the refugee network. :) Have fun!]