I should proofread this, but. (this is an OC update)
(All I can say now is, I started this update before leaving for truly_bohemian's, and I have. well, I have to finish it now, but. It is. a strange world.)
Contrary to actual RPing that happened yesterday, this is a post about Thilan. Didn't see THAT coming, did you?
I had the chance to read some things back yesterday, and it really made me realise that I never did make any sort of post concerning the trip to Karazhan. Which I am not going to get into a blow-by-blow account of, because there was a lot of it and the exact details aren't really what need saying anyway. But, hnn.
It's ahh... even finding where to begin with this is a little tough. Because I'm trying to put words to what I suppose can only be called a pretty significant shift for Thilan. Or not quite, but... a change in the shape of his resolve, or... it's really hard to articulate. I don't know how much of this would actually come through on the surface anyway, but. Ohh... between Daliquinn and my inability to phrase this, no wonder it's gone unsaid so long! But reading back, I really need to try. It's been on my mind a lot, and especially again today.
Karazhan adventures, they were largely unhappy (surprised face!). And among the various end results, Thilan got some... I don't know what you'd call them, but Varyl spoke some words at any rate, and most of it went over Thilan's head because that is the way it goes. But one thing stuck, and that is... does Varyl want to live, or not?
Varyl has been a lot of things to Thilan. He's a bodyguard, of course! He's an idiot - where would Varyl be without him, right? He's Thilan's... this, ahhh, in many ways, though, he's always been Thilan's project. For just about as long as Thilan's known Varyl, he's had this set idea that Varyl obviously needs fixing. You fix broken things, right? Thilan has...
He's never understood Varyl, and more than that? In his own way, he really doesn't try to. He doesn't need to try, because Varyl isn't right. If Varyl doesn't agree with him, then obviously Varyl is saying something wrong. Thilan... he asks, he always asks for things to be explained. If something isn't laid out for him in literal terms, then he really doesn't even have a chance of grasping it. Abstract concepts are a lost cause. So he asks, and he'll always ask, but... if something doesn't clearly align with his own view, then it's wrong. He's immensely absolute in this regard, it's just that his absolute judgements don't amount to a whole lot. More than anything else I can say about him, Thilan has the most sincere and forgiving of hearts - he'll frown in confusion and probably call you stupid, but he'll do his utmost for you, always.
But, anyway. For as long as he's known Varyl, he's been trying to fix him. And by that, I mean, he's been trying to make Varyl into something that fits into his own world view. Only that... it hasn't been a completely static affair.
I think... honestly, completely honestly, he gave up on that jigsaw a little while ago now. Before this Karazhan business. It was originally about trying to get Varyl into this puzzle, but after a time... Thilan realised that he didn't really have a slot either. He doesn't know where he fits in the world, and... in a way, that just made him cling to Varyl more. It didn't stop him trying to change Varyl into something he could understand, it just gave a different weight to his needing to see it done. It... took on a more selfish aspect, I suppose.
I hate calling Thilan selfish, hahah. But he is deeply preoccupied with his impact on his environment and the people around him, and as he began to feel more and more isolated from 'his place', it just became more and more important for him to leave a visible impression on Varyl. It... ghh, this is all so subconscious, I can't even begin to stress that enough. And it's very there, and it's very real, but Thilan doesn't recognise any of it. He doesn't realise he doesn't feel right in the world any more. He expresses it a little, sometimes, that he doesn't quite understand anything, or... the fact that people scare him. But he doesn't really realise... and oh, he's so scared, all the time. And more than anything, he's afraid of his own lack of agency.
This post is wandering all over the place, there are so many things I can say about him. I just desperately need to make sure the main point gets out, so I'm going to drag this back around a bit. First he tried to force Varyl comfortably into his world, and then he... in the very particular wholly unromantic way semi-outlined above, he tried to make a world that fit around them. But he still... was still going with some strange idealised ~better~ Varyl. He still wasn't really trying to understand.
And now, I... I think he's given up. He's, god, he's STILL not trying to understand. But he's... accepted that he never will, and I think he's accepted that there's nothing he can do to change who Varyl is. He doesn't have that kind of impact. And... and then the Cataclysm happened, and... he doesn't go home any more. Sometimes he's in Stormwind, but. He isn't 'going home'.
Nothing in this world can keep Thilan from trying to do whatever he feels is right. He will always want to do his best for people. If anyone asks him for help, he'll be there. And he'll keep smiling, and keep saying everything'll be okay, everything will carry on just fine, Azeroth is going to make it. But... it's. It's really hard to explain this, okay...? He's always been a strange mixture of optimistic and... he's always been everything that Thilan is. And. hnn.
After Karazhan. Thilan's... been on unsteady ground. He doesn't... he can't. I have the chat log right here, and Varyl couldn't answer 'do you want to keep living?' - and Thilan had to phrase it three different times, and I think that killed him a little right there, but. Varyl didn't have an answer, and Thilan doesn't understand that. How can you not know? But he's... done with trying to understand, and done with trying to... make Varyl make sense. He's just going to keep following, as much as Varyl will ever let him. He's just... going to stay with Varyl as much as he can.
Thilan isn't too sure of himself and his place in the world, right now. But ignoring project, and idiot, and bodyguard? Varyl's his friend. Varyl's his best friend, and... in so many strange ways, his only friend. And... who knows what might happen. Some day, some unknown unspeakable day? Thilan might just have to be there. He might need to... make sure Varyl gets a choice.
And I can go no further or be any more specific than that, the end.
Contrary to actual RPing that happened yesterday, this is a post about Thilan. Didn't see THAT coming, did you?
I had the chance to read some things back yesterday, and it really made me realise that I never did make any sort of post concerning the trip to Karazhan. Which I am not going to get into a blow-by-blow account of, because there was a lot of it and the exact details aren't really what need saying anyway. But, hnn.
It's ahh... even finding where to begin with this is a little tough. Because I'm trying to put words to what I suppose can only be called a pretty significant shift for Thilan. Or not quite, but... a change in the shape of his resolve, or... it's really hard to articulate. I don't know how much of this would actually come through on the surface anyway, but. Ohh... between Daliquinn and my inability to phrase this, no wonder it's gone unsaid so long! But reading back, I really need to try. It's been on my mind a lot, and especially again today.
Karazhan adventures, they were largely unhappy (surprised face!). And among the various end results, Thilan got some... I don't know what you'd call them, but Varyl spoke some words at any rate, and most of it went over Thilan's head because that is the way it goes. But one thing stuck, and that is... does Varyl want to live, or not?
Varyl has been a lot of things to Thilan. He's a bodyguard, of course! He's an idiot - where would Varyl be without him, right? He's Thilan's... this, ahhh, in many ways, though, he's always been Thilan's project. For just about as long as Thilan's known Varyl, he's had this set idea that Varyl obviously needs fixing. You fix broken things, right? Thilan has...
He's never understood Varyl, and more than that? In his own way, he really doesn't try to. He doesn't need to try, because Varyl isn't right. If Varyl doesn't agree with him, then obviously Varyl is saying something wrong. Thilan... he asks, he always asks for things to be explained. If something isn't laid out for him in literal terms, then he really doesn't even have a chance of grasping it. Abstract concepts are a lost cause. So he asks, and he'll always ask, but... if something doesn't clearly align with his own view, then it's wrong. He's immensely absolute in this regard, it's just that his absolute judgements don't amount to a whole lot. More than anything else I can say about him, Thilan has the most sincere and forgiving of hearts - he'll frown in confusion and probably call you stupid, but he'll do his utmost for you, always.
But, anyway. For as long as he's known Varyl, he's been trying to fix him. And by that, I mean, he's been trying to make Varyl into something that fits into his own world view. Only that... it hasn't been a completely static affair.
I think... honestly, completely honestly, he gave up on that jigsaw a little while ago now. Before this Karazhan business. It was originally about trying to get Varyl into this puzzle, but after a time... Thilan realised that he didn't really have a slot either. He doesn't know where he fits in the world, and... in a way, that just made him cling to Varyl more. It didn't stop him trying to change Varyl into something he could understand, it just gave a different weight to his needing to see it done. It... took on a more selfish aspect, I suppose.
I hate calling Thilan selfish, hahah. But he is deeply preoccupied with his impact on his environment and the people around him, and as he began to feel more and more isolated from 'his place', it just became more and more important for him to leave a visible impression on Varyl. It... ghh, this is all so subconscious, I can't even begin to stress that enough. And it's very there, and it's very real, but Thilan doesn't recognise any of it. He doesn't realise he doesn't feel right in the world any more. He expresses it a little, sometimes, that he doesn't quite understand anything, or... the fact that people scare him. But he doesn't really realise... and oh, he's so scared, all the time. And more than anything, he's afraid of his own lack of agency.
This post is wandering all over the place, there are so many things I can say about him. I just desperately need to make sure the main point gets out, so I'm going to drag this back around a bit. First he tried to force Varyl comfortably into his world, and then he... in the very particular wholly unromantic way semi-outlined above, he tried to make a world that fit around them. But he still... was still going with some strange idealised ~better~ Varyl. He still wasn't really trying to understand.
And now, I... I think he's given up. He's, god, he's STILL not trying to understand. But he's... accepted that he never will, and I think he's accepted that there's nothing he can do to change who Varyl is. He doesn't have that kind of impact. And... and then the Cataclysm happened, and... he doesn't go home any more. Sometimes he's in Stormwind, but. He isn't 'going home'.
Nothing in this world can keep Thilan from trying to do whatever he feels is right. He will always want to do his best for people. If anyone asks him for help, he'll be there. And he'll keep smiling, and keep saying everything'll be okay, everything will carry on just fine, Azeroth is going to make it. But... it's. It's really hard to explain this, okay...? He's always been a strange mixture of optimistic and... he's always been everything that Thilan is. And. hnn.
After Karazhan. Thilan's... been on unsteady ground. He doesn't... he can't. I have the chat log right here, and Varyl couldn't answer 'do you want to keep living?' - and Thilan had to phrase it three different times, and I think that killed him a little right there, but. Varyl didn't have an answer, and Thilan doesn't understand that. How can you not know? But he's... done with trying to understand, and done with trying to... make Varyl make sense. He's just going to keep following, as much as Varyl will ever let him. He's just... going to stay with Varyl as much as he can.
Thilan isn't too sure of himself and his place in the world, right now. But ignoring project, and idiot, and bodyguard? Varyl's his friend. Varyl's his best friend, and... in so many strange ways, his only friend. And... who knows what might happen. Some day, some unknown unspeakable day? Thilan might just have to be there. He might need to... make sure Varyl gets a choice.
And I can go no further or be any more specific than that, the end.