"Tell me how to feel... Tell me who to hurt..."
Ever since Breakpoint called it quits, it's been a linearly mounting pressure for sceners to figure out which party to go to. Nextpoint is still Nextpoint, The Gathering is still The Gathering, although inarguably the playing field is a lot more level now. There's pros and cons for each and I'm certainly not going to go into listing any of them, mostly in fear of being quoted later. Point is, however, that people keep asking me where I'll go and I have no answer.
Up until a few weeks ago I had two choices. Then I realized there's a third: the "fuck this all" clause.
Because really, at some point I realized I might just not be interested anymore. I've done 5 parties in 2010, three I organized, one I DJ'd at and Breakpoint for the sake of tradition, and I'll be the first to admit that it's nice to see other people once in a while, but it just doesn't seem to be worth the effort anymore. I'm certainly not releasing anything worthwhile, I'm sick of people telling me I look tired, and at Kindergarden I practically felt lost because I had nothing to do but I still was an organizer who just couldn't switch the fuck off after he's reached the RPM.
The two parties have, independently to each other, courted me to fulfill various duties, roughly around the same time. (They must be REALLY desperate.) It took me immense effort to call for a timeout and not say "yes" immediately, because I know I can help to an extent and I know I would've done my job well, and I know I WANT to help, but then for the first time the emergency brake just went off, because I pictured myself tired squared sitting at a closed space desk in Germany / Norway switching between screens while everyone who I appreciate and love is 50 meters away having fun.
I know I have to stop, but even as I'm writing this I'm having battles with myself Charlie Kaufman-style trying to convince myself to stop complaining (this is about the third revision of this post), because it is simple: these things are what I do and I do well, so it's logical that I should keep doing them. But the routine has burned in so badly that I don't think I can switch off anymore. I don't think I can enjoy a party anymore for just what it is: a party. And if I can't do that anymore, then there's no use for me there.
I've tried a lot of things: going to smaller parties, releasing smaller stuff, being involved less, but it doesn't work. I've seemed to have lost the sensibility of "hanging around", and my work is gradually just about having something, no matter how ridiculously boring or uninspired it is, eventually just becoming water under the bridge.
I painted myself into a corner so bad that there doesn't seem to be a way out.
Up until a few weeks ago I had two choices. Then I realized there's a third: the "fuck this all" clause.
Because really, at some point I realized I might just not be interested anymore. I've done 5 parties in 2010, three I organized, one I DJ'd at and Breakpoint for the sake of tradition, and I'll be the first to admit that it's nice to see other people once in a while, but it just doesn't seem to be worth the effort anymore. I'm certainly not releasing anything worthwhile, I'm sick of people telling me I look tired, and at Kindergarden I practically felt lost because I had nothing to do but I still was an organizer who just couldn't switch the fuck off after he's reached the RPM.
The two parties have, independently to each other, courted me to fulfill various duties, roughly around the same time. (They must be REALLY desperate.) It took me immense effort to call for a timeout and not say "yes" immediately, because I know I can help to an extent and I know I would've done my job well, and I know I WANT to help, but then for the first time the emergency brake just went off, because I pictured myself tired squared sitting at a closed space desk in Germany / Norway switching between screens while everyone who I appreciate and love is 50 meters away having fun.
I know I have to stop, but even as I'm writing this I'm having battles with myself Charlie Kaufman-style trying to convince myself to stop complaining (this is about the third revision of this post), because it is simple: these things are what I do and I do well, so it's logical that I should keep doing them. But the routine has burned in so badly that I don't think I can switch off anymore. I don't think I can enjoy a party anymore for just what it is: a party. And if I can't do that anymore, then there's no use for me there.
I've tried a lot of things: going to smaller parties, releasing smaller stuff, being involved less, but it doesn't work. I've seemed to have lost the sensibility of "hanging around", and my work is gradually just about having something, no matter how ridiculously boring or uninspired it is, eventually just becoming water under the bridge.
I painted myself into a corner so bad that there doesn't seem to be a way out.