Questioning
So I seem to like posting questions or thoughts of me questioning something here. This is no different it seems.
I am noticing how life is going these days. It looks like I am alone quite a bit these days. I don't do a whole lot with anyone and it has become noticeable. I have also been getting annoyed with people in general. Don't know if this is just the people I am associating with lately or having something else going on. The general public is always a good vague target to go after.
I have also noticed how I speak and how I act. I just start to wonder if I am becoming that sad pathetic man that can't move on after something major has been taken from him. I know 2 years is a good bit of time and I have been able to do a lot of things with some of the passion I used to have. I guess I am hearing the same things come out of my mouth. I am getting upset at the same things, mostly just being alone. Friends want to help me not be so.. but the wanting of a companion to share certain life experiences is starting to become a bit stronger.
Do I give of a vibe of trying to hide something? or brooding? I haven't met a whole lot of new people lately, which is odd in and of itself, and am wondering if it is the air I hold. I tell stories.. lots of stories about this, that and the other. Lately, Lisa has been the main topic and I figure that would be normal given the situation. I do know that telling wonderful stories is a good thing when meeting new people, but telling them of an old lover that you just lost, not so much, or so I think. Maybe people are seeing that I am holding something back and they think I am making this all up. That I am trying an angle to get something.
It seems my friends haven't gotten tired of the stories, since they don't tell me that maybe it is time to get over things. That or they don't want to cause any strife or conflict with anyone, even me. I don't know if I have been pushing people away or life has just made things a little more distant. Even a blend of the two.
The distractions I was seeking worked for sometime and helped me get to a functioning point. I don't know what happened but it seems something has changed. Again, life or me chasing distraction too hard. I am trying not to whiny about it all. I trying to find constructive ways to improve things and change a few others. I don't know if I am actually being effective or that I am hindering myself because of the story telling or air I hold.
I am a creature of habit, well sorta. If something makes me feel good, I keep doing it till it no longer feels good. It forms a habit since it feels good and I know it does. Changing things does make things difficult and uncomfortable, but that is what change is supposed to do. I always pick something to be the reason that a certain thing doesn't work. I then figure out how to fix it in my means, but never make the change.
Not sure what I am doing wrong, right or even indifferent. I never know how to ask those questions or figure it out myself. I don't really know what I want either or even what I like anymore. so I just kinda flounder around getting frustrated with myself mostly. What is it I have to change, or do differently? What can I keep the same?
I know they are not easy answers and everyone is going to have a different idea of what I should do or could do. I just need some sort of idea and maybe a swift kick to get over my dislike of people or to dull it down a bit. To just get out of what is comfortable.. to try something.. even it is something I used to do but never got going..
Here is to more questioning.. and not really understanding where to look for answers.
I am noticing how life is going these days. It looks like I am alone quite a bit these days. I don't do a whole lot with anyone and it has become noticeable. I have also been getting annoyed with people in general. Don't know if this is just the people I am associating with lately or having something else going on. The general public is always a good vague target to go after.
I have also noticed how I speak and how I act. I just start to wonder if I am becoming that sad pathetic man that can't move on after something major has been taken from him. I know 2 years is a good bit of time and I have been able to do a lot of things with some of the passion I used to have. I guess I am hearing the same things come out of my mouth. I am getting upset at the same things, mostly just being alone. Friends want to help me not be so.. but the wanting of a companion to share certain life experiences is starting to become a bit stronger.
Do I give of a vibe of trying to hide something? or brooding? I haven't met a whole lot of new people lately, which is odd in and of itself, and am wondering if it is the air I hold. I tell stories.. lots of stories about this, that and the other. Lately, Lisa has been the main topic and I figure that would be normal given the situation. I do know that telling wonderful stories is a good thing when meeting new people, but telling them of an old lover that you just lost, not so much, or so I think. Maybe people are seeing that I am holding something back and they think I am making this all up. That I am trying an angle to get something.
It seems my friends haven't gotten tired of the stories, since they don't tell me that maybe it is time to get over things. That or they don't want to cause any strife or conflict with anyone, even me. I don't know if I have been pushing people away or life has just made things a little more distant. Even a blend of the two.
The distractions I was seeking worked for sometime and helped me get to a functioning point. I don't know what happened but it seems something has changed. Again, life or me chasing distraction too hard. I am trying not to whiny about it all. I trying to find constructive ways to improve things and change a few others. I don't know if I am actually being effective or that I am hindering myself because of the story telling or air I hold.
I am a creature of habit, well sorta. If something makes me feel good, I keep doing it till it no longer feels good. It forms a habit since it feels good and I know it does. Changing things does make things difficult and uncomfortable, but that is what change is supposed to do. I always pick something to be the reason that a certain thing doesn't work. I then figure out how to fix it in my means, but never make the change.
Not sure what I am doing wrong, right or even indifferent. I never know how to ask those questions or figure it out myself. I don't really know what I want either or even what I like anymore. so I just kinda flounder around getting frustrated with myself mostly. What is it I have to change, or do differently? What can I keep the same?
I know they are not easy answers and everyone is going to have a different idea of what I should do or could do. I just need some sort of idea and maybe a swift kick to get over my dislike of people or to dull it down a bit. To just get out of what is comfortable.. to try something.. even it is something I used to do but never got going..
Here is to more questioning.. and not really understanding where to look for answers.