one great big surprise...
This weekend if our final choir concert for the year. My final choir concert for college. I may never sing in a choir again.
No, I will do everything I can to find another choir to sing with.
I've had to see Jaime more often these past few days because of the performances. We're actually talking to each other (pretty good since we haven't talked to each other in almost a month - and since this past month was us trying to act like the other person didn't exist while we were around each other). Not like we're talking about anything of any value, but "hello," "good show," "can I borrow your music?" Me punching him in the arm when he walks by. I don't know how to act around him. I flirt with all my guy friends (not sexually, but playfully), but it doesn't feel right to flirt with him. I look him in the eyes and I feel myself falling. I have to catch myself. It's so hard that it's so easy to still love him.
I wish I had saved the IM conversation we had Thursday night. It was mostly playful, but this one part I remember most clearly:
Me: Are we getting cooler?
Jaime: I think so.
Me: I still get pissed at you ... sometimes
Jaime: I know. It's still hard for me too.
Me: How is it hard?
Jaime: Do we have to get into this right now?
And right there. Right there I just wanted to type back "Of course we do! I want to know what you're thinking! I know you still have feelings for me!" But instead, I mustered enough maturity to answer:
Me: no
I cannot stand that it still hurts to see him. I still feel the enormous hole that was created when we broke up. Did he really want to break up with me or was he scared, confused? Did he only want to give his friends what they wanted? Because I never wanted him to not have his friends. It's so ridiculous. It's still getting hashed over in my brain. I think I'm getting better. I think there might be someone else new in my life. But Jaime. I think about him and love still washes over me. It drives me nuts!
I miss him. Christina thinks I should write him a letter telling him how I feel. And that I should give it to him at the end of the year party. That could be the last moment I may ever see him again.
If I don't say anything to him, I know I will regret it forever.
I'm scared. I'm graduating. I'm leaving this school. I may never see him again. I may never see some of my friends from here again.
His family came to the performance last night. His mom, his uncle, and one of his best friends. I came up the stairs and they were all right there. When I reached the top, his uncle told me good job, and then Jaime and his brother (who is also in choir) told me good job, and I (feeling completely at a loss for what to do) said, "You too!" I felt so stupid, stupid, stupid. I walked up to my friend Stephanie. I started to almost have an anxiety attack, but between her reminding me to breathe and me reminding myself to breathe, I was able to avoid that one. It felt so weird. It felt completely wrong not to be standing by his side with his family.
What is wrong with me?! When am I going to be able to be around him without feeling this way?
In eight days. After graduation, after the end of the year party ... I never have to see him again. He never has to see me again. But I feel that I have to tell him how I feel. For all I know, he may think I'm already seeing someone new. But in a way, I wanted him to think that. I wanted him to get jealous and want me back. But he probably doesn't. But how do I know that? I don't know what he's thinking.
Okay. I'll admit that I have a first draft of the letter. I wrote it last night. As of right now, I don't know if I'll actually do it.
It's all so scary. Not knowing what the outcome could be. But that's what life is. One great big surprise.
No, I will do everything I can to find another choir to sing with.
I've had to see Jaime more often these past few days because of the performances. We're actually talking to each other (pretty good since we haven't talked to each other in almost a month - and since this past month was us trying to act like the other person didn't exist while we were around each other). Not like we're talking about anything of any value, but "hello," "good show," "can I borrow your music?" Me punching him in the arm when he walks by. I don't know how to act around him. I flirt with all my guy friends (not sexually, but playfully), but it doesn't feel right to flirt with him. I look him in the eyes and I feel myself falling. I have to catch myself. It's so hard that it's so easy to still love him.
I wish I had saved the IM conversation we had Thursday night. It was mostly playful, but this one part I remember most clearly:
Me: Are we getting cooler?
Jaime: I think so.
Me: I still get pissed at you ... sometimes
Jaime: I know. It's still hard for me too.
Me: How is it hard?
Jaime: Do we have to get into this right now?
And right there. Right there I just wanted to type back "Of course we do! I want to know what you're thinking! I know you still have feelings for me!" But instead, I mustered enough maturity to answer:
Me: no
I cannot stand that it still hurts to see him. I still feel the enormous hole that was created when we broke up. Did he really want to break up with me or was he scared, confused? Did he only want to give his friends what they wanted? Because I never wanted him to not have his friends. It's so ridiculous. It's still getting hashed over in my brain. I think I'm getting better. I think there might be someone else new in my life. But Jaime. I think about him and love still washes over me. It drives me nuts!
I miss him. Christina thinks I should write him a letter telling him how I feel. And that I should give it to him at the end of the year party. That could be the last moment I may ever see him again.
If I don't say anything to him, I know I will regret it forever.
I'm scared. I'm graduating. I'm leaving this school. I may never see him again. I may never see some of my friends from here again.
His family came to the performance last night. His mom, his uncle, and one of his best friends. I came up the stairs and they were all right there. When I reached the top, his uncle told me good job, and then Jaime and his brother (who is also in choir) told me good job, and I (feeling completely at a loss for what to do) said, "You too!" I felt so stupid, stupid, stupid. I walked up to my friend Stephanie. I started to almost have an anxiety attack, but between her reminding me to breathe and me reminding myself to breathe, I was able to avoid that one. It felt so weird. It felt completely wrong not to be standing by his side with his family.
What is wrong with me?! When am I going to be able to be around him without feeling this way?
In eight days. After graduation, after the end of the year party ... I never have to see him again. He never has to see me again. But I feel that I have to tell him how I feel. For all I know, he may think I'm already seeing someone new. But in a way, I wanted him to think that. I wanted him to get jealous and want me back. But he probably doesn't. But how do I know that? I don't know what he's thinking.
Okay. I'll admit that I have a first draft of the letter. I wrote it last night. As of right now, I don't know if I'll actually do it.
It's all so scary. Not knowing what the outcome could be. But that's what life is. One great big surprise.