been awhile
So my math study group just got done a lot earlier than I expected. I'm going to eventually feel motivated to go print stuff downstairs and then go to the gym, but for right now I'm staring out the window of the union trying to decide how best to avoid Valentine's day. Every year I'm single and every year I usually blow off class and either go shopping or get my hair done or refuse to leave the house. Last year was the exception; it was the election so I was too busy to notice what day it was.
I've only got one class Wednesday and we're not doing anything that day, so this isn't a problem, especially since the midterm is tomorrow; means we won't have a quiz. The election's the day before. I don't get paid till Friday so that rules out shopping and hair. I'm leaning towards staying home and sewing all day. In fact, I'm really looking forward to it.
This has been one of the crappiest weeks ever, no joke. The events at the BoUNCe forum were just the icing on the cake. It made me feel like I've wasted so much of my time and energy for the last few months in vain. I've gotta start looking out for myself more.
An offhand comment at the forum set me off more than anything else though. It shouldn't have but it did. I couldn't wait to get out of there so I went to dinner with Mac and then we were going to go to the movie at the union but the time was printed wrong in the paper and it had already started. I ended up going home to watch the episode of Grey's that I missed because of the GLBTSA forum, and while doing so had a few drinks (can you tell who I've been hanging out with lately?) and contemplated life some.
I had a key revelation that applies to a lot of things.
Namely that I'm never going to get ahead if I don't change a lot of things about who I am, I think. I know, I know, you're going to do what Cara did and give me the "just be yourself and eventually it'll be appreciated" answer. But being myself hasn't gotten me very far up to now. In fact, being myself too much I think has been the main thing that's holding me back:
I'm loud, I'm outspoken, I say what's on my mind. I often don't think about it nearly enough.
I'm emotional. I put people off. I don't smile enough and my hair looks like crap when I'm too lazy to straighten it, which is often.
I don't think twice about going to class in sweats with no makeup and looking frumpy.
I make my own clothes and at times it's painfully obvious. I don't like spending money and I don't see the point of eating fancy expensive food.
I drink, I curse, I occasionally do other things that are probably morally reprehensible.
I'm not a debutante, I'm not a sorority girl, I'm not the girl you take home to your mom.
This is a lot of the reason why it didn't work with Noah in high school. It's why I had no luck on retreat this year, and it's why I have no chance at anything other than random hookups with the guy I like currently. I'm always attracted to guys that are smart and accomplished and are going somewhere with their lives; guys like that want a girl that's cute and pretty and quiet and dresses nice and isn't loud or embarassing or threatening, and is super nice to everybody, even people that she secretly wants to kill.
I'm loud and embarassing and threatening.
I'm not cute or pretty or quiet or well-dressed. I'm not super nice to everybody, and when people saw him dancing with me at the party we had to leave.
Because I'm embarassing.
It's not even limited to guys, it's going to hold me back in life in general. In my career especially.
I need to learn to shut up and look nice.
It's not a question of whether I should "just be myself and maybe somebody will appreciate it."
I need to be a different person.
I've only got one class Wednesday and we're not doing anything that day, so this isn't a problem, especially since the midterm is tomorrow; means we won't have a quiz. The election's the day before. I don't get paid till Friday so that rules out shopping and hair. I'm leaning towards staying home and sewing all day. In fact, I'm really looking forward to it.
This has been one of the crappiest weeks ever, no joke. The events at the BoUNCe forum were just the icing on the cake. It made me feel like I've wasted so much of my time and energy for the last few months in vain. I've gotta start looking out for myself more.
An offhand comment at the forum set me off more than anything else though. It shouldn't have but it did. I couldn't wait to get out of there so I went to dinner with Mac and then we were going to go to the movie at the union but the time was printed wrong in the paper and it had already started. I ended up going home to watch the episode of Grey's that I missed because of the GLBTSA forum, and while doing so had a few drinks (can you tell who I've been hanging out with lately?) and contemplated life some.
I had a key revelation that applies to a lot of things.
Namely that I'm never going to get ahead if I don't change a lot of things about who I am, I think. I know, I know, you're going to do what Cara did and give me the "just be yourself and eventually it'll be appreciated" answer. But being myself hasn't gotten me very far up to now. In fact, being myself too much I think has been the main thing that's holding me back:
I'm loud, I'm outspoken, I say what's on my mind. I often don't think about it nearly enough.
I'm emotional. I put people off. I don't smile enough and my hair looks like crap when I'm too lazy to straighten it, which is often.
I don't think twice about going to class in sweats with no makeup and looking frumpy.
I make my own clothes and at times it's painfully obvious. I don't like spending money and I don't see the point of eating fancy expensive food.
I drink, I curse, I occasionally do other things that are probably morally reprehensible.
I'm not a debutante, I'm not a sorority girl, I'm not the girl you take home to your mom.
This is a lot of the reason why it didn't work with Noah in high school. It's why I had no luck on retreat this year, and it's why I have no chance at anything other than random hookups with the guy I like currently. I'm always attracted to guys that are smart and accomplished and are going somewhere with their lives; guys like that want a girl that's cute and pretty and quiet and dresses nice and isn't loud or embarassing or threatening, and is super nice to everybody, even people that she secretly wants to kill.
I'm loud and embarassing and threatening.
I'm not cute or pretty or quiet or well-dressed. I'm not super nice to everybody, and when people saw him dancing with me at the party we had to leave.
Because I'm embarassing.
It's not even limited to guys, it's going to hold me back in life in general. In my career especially.
I need to learn to shut up and look nice.
It's not a question of whether I should "just be myself and maybe somebody will appreciate it."
I need to be a different person.