relationships
written thursday, april 28th
i don't know what it is about traveling that inspires the writer in me, but i'm on the plane (going to jacksonville, florida for my sister's graduation), watching a fantastic display of lightening, and started drafting in my head. decided to grab a pencil and whatever i could find to put it down on paper b/c there was just too much drafting going on to remember it all. so i'm literally writing on a paper bag from hallmark. :)
you know how train of thought is.... you start in one place and sometimes end up somewhere totally, but not wholly, unrelated. well i started with the lightening show and the amazingness of nature, and ended up having a small epiphany.
i've known for some time that many people who know me simply do not know me. and i've known for some time that is b/c i don't let them. that thought popped in to my head again tonight and i started thinking more about it.
it hasn't always been the case that i hide myself from others. there are, in fact, many people who really do know me - the real me. i'm not sure when it happened that i stopped letting people get to know me, but i think i now realize part of why.
several years ago - about 2 decades or so - it became very salient to me that life is short. it's much too short to waste time on bullshit or put up with people who bring you down. and there came a point where i started to weed people out of my life. some i simply stopped keeping in touch with, others i "broke up" with.
at some point after that, as i met new people, i know i had reservations about getting to know people too well. there was that whole - i'm afraid if i get to know you better, i won't like you as much anymore. and then if we've gone down that road of getting to know each other and getting closer, and it turns out i don't think our relationship is good for me.... you see where this going. i'm clearly an avoider.
so i started keeping new relationships at a certain place, never letting them develop, deepen, or grow to a real meaningful place. this was an active, conscious decision on my part. recently, i've realized how lonely that can be. i mean, i have a great group of friends that i cherish dearly. but we're all older now with families and stuff, and my friends live all over the world. there are only so many weekends in a month and so many months in a year to do things and visit people.
by not developing deep relationships with new friends, it turns out that i don't have a lot of good friends who are in my daily life. do you know what i mean by that? there are your friends that you talk to once a month or so and you catch up on the highlights. and then there are the people you talk to once a day or a couple of times a week who know what's going on with you all the time. it's those people who are in your daily life. don't get me wrong, i do have some friends who are in my daily life, but it'd be nice to have more of those relationships.
i've spent so much time keeping people out, not talking about how i feel, what i think, what's important to me, that i'm not sure i know how to do it. there's something to think about.
i don't know what it is about traveling that inspires the writer in me, but i'm on the plane (going to jacksonville, florida for my sister's graduation), watching a fantastic display of lightening, and started drafting in my head. decided to grab a pencil and whatever i could find to put it down on paper b/c there was just too much drafting going on to remember it all. so i'm literally writing on a paper bag from hallmark. :)
you know how train of thought is.... you start in one place and sometimes end up somewhere totally, but not wholly, unrelated. well i started with the lightening show and the amazingness of nature, and ended up having a small epiphany.
i've known for some time that many people who know me simply do not know me. and i've known for some time that is b/c i don't let them. that thought popped in to my head again tonight and i started thinking more about it.
it hasn't always been the case that i hide myself from others. there are, in fact, many people who really do know me - the real me. i'm not sure when it happened that i stopped letting people get to know me, but i think i now realize part of why.
several years ago - about 2 decades or so - it became very salient to me that life is short. it's much too short to waste time on bullshit or put up with people who bring you down. and there came a point where i started to weed people out of my life. some i simply stopped keeping in touch with, others i "broke up" with.
at some point after that, as i met new people, i know i had reservations about getting to know people too well. there was that whole - i'm afraid if i get to know you better, i won't like you as much anymore. and then if we've gone down that road of getting to know each other and getting closer, and it turns out i don't think our relationship is good for me.... you see where this going. i'm clearly an avoider.
so i started keeping new relationships at a certain place, never letting them develop, deepen, or grow to a real meaningful place. this was an active, conscious decision on my part. recently, i've realized how lonely that can be. i mean, i have a great group of friends that i cherish dearly. but we're all older now with families and stuff, and my friends live all over the world. there are only so many weekends in a month and so many months in a year to do things and visit people.
by not developing deep relationships with new friends, it turns out that i don't have a lot of good friends who are in my daily life. do you know what i mean by that? there are your friends that you talk to once a month or so and you catch up on the highlights. and then there are the people you talk to once a day or a couple of times a week who know what's going on with you all the time. it's those people who are in your daily life. don't get me wrong, i do have some friends who are in my daily life, but it'd be nice to have more of those relationships.
i've spent so much time keeping people out, not talking about how i feel, what i think, what's important to me, that i'm not sure i know how to do it. there's something to think about.