A big step forward and some history.
Hello old friends, it has been months and months since I have posted a thing. I will not lie, I have not even been lurking very often. 2-3 times a month I have been checking in and scrolling back, silently bemoaning the lack of posts from folks I always found so interesting and chastising myself for my own lack of output.
In the last 6 months so many things have happened - at first I held off writing about them, as I couldn't find a way to express them. As time went on I felt I was letting them go and didn't want to dredge them up again. Now, I am in a new place, mentally - and not really wanting to open those closet doors to explore what I have so neatly packed away.
The short story is my baking career came to a screeching halt in early spring. After searching for a job in the industry I returned to the world of flowers - half heartedly and without much cause to celebrate. I know work to live instead of live to work.
Joe and I celebrated our 10th anniversary together and our second anniversary of married life by going to Bear week with 7 of our best friends. It was an interesting vacation, a beautiful place, with lovely people and yet I felt like I was floating above it, or outside of it all week. Am I post bear or just post "Bear Week"?
The one thing that did happen at Bear Week that I do want to comment on is a fledgling acceptance of my own body, such as it is. I will always have body issues - but lately they have been less strident. Instead of cringing when I see myself in photos, mirrors, etc. I have been looking hard. I am who I am. I have never been ashamed of my home - as incomplete, or unfinished, or unkempt it may be. Why am I ashamed of who I am? Just like my home, which I dream of future renovations, re-decorations and garden plans, I now look at my body and see what I am, what I might want to change and what I have to work with.
With this new found change in attitude freshly minted I did something in P-town I have never done, not even with my partner. I had a friend, who is an amateur photographer, do a whole photo shoot of me in the open air, outdoor shower behind our rental. While none of the photos are explicit,the fact I was naked with anyone able to see me that was not my husband or a trusted playmate is huge. What is even a bigger step for me is that I have posted several of the shots from that shoot on Bruizr.com, Bear411 and Biggercity. (Yes I am a Bruizr fan and yes I still use Bear411 get over it)
The responses I have gotten (while no tidal wave of adoration) have been positive and have helped to re-enforce my new found acceptance of who I am now.
While many of you have seen these else where, I am gong to post here as well - perhaps the place I should have posted first.
In the last 6 months so many things have happened - at first I held off writing about them, as I couldn't find a way to express them. As time went on I felt I was letting them go and didn't want to dredge them up again. Now, I am in a new place, mentally - and not really wanting to open those closet doors to explore what I have so neatly packed away.
The short story is my baking career came to a screeching halt in early spring. After searching for a job in the industry I returned to the world of flowers - half heartedly and without much cause to celebrate. I know work to live instead of live to work.
Joe and I celebrated our 10th anniversary together and our second anniversary of married life by going to Bear week with 7 of our best friends. It was an interesting vacation, a beautiful place, with lovely people and yet I felt like I was floating above it, or outside of it all week. Am I post bear or just post "Bear Week"?
The one thing that did happen at Bear Week that I do want to comment on is a fledgling acceptance of my own body, such as it is. I will always have body issues - but lately they have been less strident. Instead of cringing when I see myself in photos, mirrors, etc. I have been looking hard. I am who I am. I have never been ashamed of my home - as incomplete, or unfinished, or unkempt it may be. Why am I ashamed of who I am? Just like my home, which I dream of future renovations, re-decorations and garden plans, I now look at my body and see what I am, what I might want to change and what I have to work with.
With this new found change in attitude freshly minted I did something in P-town I have never done, not even with my partner. I had a friend, who is an amateur photographer, do a whole photo shoot of me in the open air, outdoor shower behind our rental. While none of the photos are explicit,the fact I was naked with anyone able to see me that was not my husband or a trusted playmate is huge. What is even a bigger step for me is that I have posted several of the shots from that shoot on Bruizr.com, Bear411 and Biggercity. (Yes I am a Bruizr fan and yes I still use Bear411 get over it)
The responses I have gotten (while no tidal wave of adoration) have been positive and have helped to re-enforce my new found acceptance of who I am now.
While many of you have seen these else where, I am gong to post here as well - perhaps the place I should have posted first.