My journey,
"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."
J.R.R. Tolkien
On September 15th, 2008 I started a journey, on that day I began classes at the Connecticut Culinary Institute. Perhaps I should say I began the journey that day which I had been dreaming of on and off for 20 years. The death of my mother, the loss of my career, an early midlife crisis and a bout of depression seemed to lead me to the doors of said institution, so that on the morning of September 15th, I walked through those doors as a student.
The past 14 months have felt like a lifetime. I feel like a teenager again in many ways, just finding my way, eager to try new things, but often my reach exceeds my grasp and projects fail. The skills I was shown in school have not yet become ingrained in my hands, I forget techniques, or I am clumsy. Some days I feel like I am working with someone else's fingers. And yet, there are those moments, when I look down at something and realize that after months of struggling to perfect some technique, I had just done it without thinking.
As a master florist, my fingers just fly as I work, students and audience members would beg me to slow down, so they could watch what I was doing, to pick up the technique. I could talk, joke, even lecture on something entirely different while my hands worked tirelessly.
I am used to that kind of proficiency, not having it stymies me. I can see what I want to create in my mind, I know what I am striving for, but my hands just don't seem to do it. Looking back through the years to when I first started working with flowers I try to remember if I ever felt the way I do now, stymied by the lack of skill in my own hands. I am pretty sure that as a teenager and into my early 20's I was far more self impressed than I am now. I marveled at what I created, convinced of my own talent. Now I look at my work and see every flaw.
After working in the bakery now since May, I have finally finished my externship. Yesterday at 3:15pm, I filled out my last attendance report, had Chef sign it and we faxed it in. All that remains for me to do is get cleared from student accounts and financial aid and I will officially be an alumni of CCI.
I thought I would feel differently on this day. When I started school 14 months ago, I was pretty sure that many more secrets of professional baking would be mine to keep. I was sure I would be adept at so much more. I still feel like a child, learning to walk, and yet longing to run. Is that a good thing or a bad thing, I have not decided.
I certainly do not face the job market with a great sense of confidence in my skill set, in it's place is a feeling that I am really only worthy to be an apprentice still, learning from others.
So, as of now, I can call myself a certified baker I suppose.
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."
J.R.R. Tolkien
On September 15th, 2008 I started a journey, on that day I began classes at the Connecticut Culinary Institute. Perhaps I should say I began the journey that day which I had been dreaming of on and off for 20 years. The death of my mother, the loss of my career, an early midlife crisis and a bout of depression seemed to lead me to the doors of said institution, so that on the morning of September 15th, I walked through those doors as a student.
The past 14 months have felt like a lifetime. I feel like a teenager again in many ways, just finding my way, eager to try new things, but often my reach exceeds my grasp and projects fail. The skills I was shown in school have not yet become ingrained in my hands, I forget techniques, or I am clumsy. Some days I feel like I am working with someone else's fingers. And yet, there are those moments, when I look down at something and realize that after months of struggling to perfect some technique, I had just done it without thinking.
As a master florist, my fingers just fly as I work, students and audience members would beg me to slow down, so they could watch what I was doing, to pick up the technique. I could talk, joke, even lecture on something entirely different while my hands worked tirelessly.
I am used to that kind of proficiency, not having it stymies me. I can see what I want to create in my mind, I know what I am striving for, but my hands just don't seem to do it. Looking back through the years to when I first started working with flowers I try to remember if I ever felt the way I do now, stymied by the lack of skill in my own hands. I am pretty sure that as a teenager and into my early 20's I was far more self impressed than I am now. I marveled at what I created, convinced of my own talent. Now I look at my work and see every flaw.
After working in the bakery now since May, I have finally finished my externship. Yesterday at 3:15pm, I filled out my last attendance report, had Chef sign it and we faxed it in. All that remains for me to do is get cleared from student accounts and financial aid and I will officially be an alumni of CCI.
I thought I would feel differently on this day. When I started school 14 months ago, I was pretty sure that many more secrets of professional baking would be mine to keep. I was sure I would be adept at so much more. I still feel like a child, learning to walk, and yet longing to run. Is that a good thing or a bad thing, I have not decided.
I certainly do not face the job market with a great sense of confidence in my skill set, in it's place is a feeling that I am really only worthy to be an apprentice still, learning from others.
So, as of now, I can call myself a certified baker I suppose.