(no subject)
how do you deal with getting older and having so fewer friends?
karina and i went for a depressing drink after work yesterday and even though we love each other and see each other often, i realized how lonely we both are. she cried and i almost did. it's hard to express these things without feeling ungrateful for the people you do have in your life. even though there's someone in my bed every night who makes me smile and is super great and all, i can still be lonely. even though sometimes i feel overwhelmed by the amount of amazing people i know in the world, the fact that so few of them would ever choose to make their lives in the same city as mine hits hard sometimes.
i realized after a glass of wine tonight it was this night last year that i met sarah. and how much i fucking miss her. and how i miss that feeling of excitement of making a new friend. i can't even write this without wanting to cry.
i'm afraid it's gotten to the point where it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. it doesn't feel worth it to get to know someone, to become their friend, to be impressed by their stories, know their freckles, love their quirky cooking habits, know their favourite bad movies or which iconic ones they've never seen, that feeling of wanting to kiss them when you've had just a bit too much to drink... only to know they'll leave. it sounds defeatist and childish but it's how i feel.
it happens in every city, they tell me. but it happens more here, when you fall for anglophones and early twenty somethings. it happens more when you live in a city where all the people who come from elsewhere bond because the people who live here have vague xenophobic tendencies that go unchecked. it happens a lot here. i meet them, we get to know each other, we bond, they tell me they're leaving. i can list them (from july 2009 to august 2011 - jeanna, ashli, ashlee, salima, andy, april, ben, sarah, annemarie). who have i known longest in this city? who have i blamed for leaving? how many times has it hurt, and how much?
friends are great
but
i miss them when they leave.
growing up is fucking hard.
karina and i went for a depressing drink after work yesterday and even though we love each other and see each other often, i realized how lonely we both are. she cried and i almost did. it's hard to express these things without feeling ungrateful for the people you do have in your life. even though there's someone in my bed every night who makes me smile and is super great and all, i can still be lonely. even though sometimes i feel overwhelmed by the amount of amazing people i know in the world, the fact that so few of them would ever choose to make their lives in the same city as mine hits hard sometimes.
i realized after a glass of wine tonight it was this night last year that i met sarah. and how much i fucking miss her. and how i miss that feeling of excitement of making a new friend. i can't even write this without wanting to cry.
i'm afraid it's gotten to the point where it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. it doesn't feel worth it to get to know someone, to become their friend, to be impressed by their stories, know their freckles, love their quirky cooking habits, know their favourite bad movies or which iconic ones they've never seen, that feeling of wanting to kiss them when you've had just a bit too much to drink... only to know they'll leave. it sounds defeatist and childish but it's how i feel.
it happens in every city, they tell me. but it happens more here, when you fall for anglophones and early twenty somethings. it happens more when you live in a city where all the people who come from elsewhere bond because the people who live here have vague xenophobic tendencies that go unchecked. it happens a lot here. i meet them, we get to know each other, we bond, they tell me they're leaving. i can list them (from july 2009 to august 2011 - jeanna, ashli, ashlee, salima, andy, april, ben, sarah, annemarie). who have i known longest in this city? who have i blamed for leaving? how many times has it hurt, and how much?
friends are great
but
i miss them when they leave.
growing up is fucking hard.