people

Feb 25, 2007 14:44

sometimes i wish i had a group of friends outside the group of friends i have that i could go out with and not see the same people all the time and over and over again. is that mean? i dont know. i get really tired of calling people to do things and hearing one excuse or another as to why they don't want to do something. sure, i can kind of understand the money thing ... or not wanting a drink or two or whatever... but like you can still GO for the socialization aspect of it. like last night, apple met up with us at the upfront and then went to choclay with us. it was cool because like, he doesn't ever come out with us... so yay for a new addition to the going out crew possibly.

like yeah, sure, i'm slacking. i know i'm slacking... and i really shouldn't be slacking. but i'd have to say i'm also mildly depressed. i blame it on the weather in all honesty. the whole seasonal depression thing? yeah, that's me. i hate the snow.. like yeah it's pretty and fun, but i dont ski or snowboard so who cares. and it makes driving crappy. and i have to wear coats and shoes and boots and shit. i hate wearing more than i have to. i like flip flops and tank tops. gauchos and bathing suits. no jacket required kinda weather.

i want to drive with the windows down, the music up, and be out til all hours of the night with friends just chillin. i want to be at the beach, playing in the waves, getting a tan and laughing with my friends. i want to walk to the bars, get drunk, and walk home laughing and BSing with people. i want to climb sugarloaf, hogsback, and walk presque isle in the same day. i want to play tennis, soccer, softball, basketball, roller hockey. i want to ride a bike, go running, go swimming. i want to feel the sun. the warmth. i want to go camping.

stupid winter. ugh. stupid school. stupid distance.

honestly, i just want to grow up to the point where i'm not in school anymore. fuck this art shit. i'm gonna go back to school for a degree in business or something. i want a 9-5. i want to just do my job and have that be it. no more thinking. no more concepts. no more social meaning. no more figure ground relationships. no more visual structures. and no more fucking stupid people who think they're god's gift because they're artsy and intellectual.

i want two weeks paid vacation so i can go on a cruise. or to hawaii. or somewhere. i want to work and work out. i want to have dinner parties and discussions. i want to go to concerts and be crazy. i want to lead a double life. i want to be a professional with a rock star side life. i want to dress professionally, leave work, change my clothes, and just be at fucking one with a band. i want to combine the two and just be me. i want to work for a record label. i want to help make dreams come true. i want to not have to dress professionally in suits and garters and ties and button ups. i want to be a fashionista. i want to be an art director for an album. i want to do album photography.

i want to not feel like i cant. i'm so sick of feeling like i cant. or that i'm not good enough. i am fucking good enough. there's just nothing here but fallacy. i'm sick of the art shit. i haven't learned shit. i'd like the studio if it wasn't stupid. if it wasn't so sterile. the whole fucking art building is sterile. and scary. and institutional. since when did art become institutional?? fuck the institution. seriously. i mean that. all of the artsy fartsy shit. they all float around acting like their intellectual and shit. i dont want to make art you fucking fucks. i never did.. i wanted to photograph bands. i wanted to learn the ropes. it isn't about a social meaning. it's about the dolla dolla bills. it's about me melding two things together than i love -- music and photography. give me a fucking concert and my fucking camera and let me go nuts. there's no planning, no "what does this mean? what does that mean?"

you know what it means? i was there. in the right spot. at the right time. with the right mood. the right vibe. alright? you follow? why are we trying to plan art? why are we trying to plan anything? just let it fucking roll. the color of the shirt the lead singer of the band is wearing isn't important, and i really don't think he thought about the shirts social meaning when he put it on either. hell, he's probably worn the same shirt for a couple days now. oh wait. what could that socially signify? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP OKAY!? IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING YOU STUPID FUCKING RETARDS! QUIT MAKING NOTHING INTO SOMETHING! god dammit.

and i think i feel this way because i've been thinking about things for far too long. about what everything might mean. symbolism and shit like that. fuck it, man. i just want to get drunk, see a band, dance like a fool and snap some pictures. to capture the moment. to capture life. that's what photography is after all. it steals souls. i want to steal souls. i want to go through pages and pages of files and relive every single instant of a night. the laughter, the smiles. the beer bongs, the keg pumping, the party fouls, the intense conversation moments. to me. life is art. and no, dont go thinking about throwing the 'and art is life' bullshit into there, because for me it isn't. LIVING is an art. you either do it well, or you don't.

and if you're one of those "art is life" people.. youre the ones out taking photos of homeless people because you think ti's going to be socially significant. well jeebus ... i'm sick of focusing on the negative. it's always all negative. it isn't art if it's not negative seems to be the theme. where is there happiness? it isn't anywhere. it's fabricated in movies. and those movies make people want to be like the movies, except since the movies are fabricated then all those people are doing are fabricating happiness. is there any real happiness left?

i think so... and i think i'm still formulating stuff for 303 despite only having like 5 weeks left... oh well.. i'll get it and i'll wow everyone. and then i wont have to care.

my intent: to show happiness. through images of my life.
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