*Sigh*
Well, as you already know, last night was the Tri-M recital. I showed up 15 minutes late because I take forever getting ready. Oh well, no big deal. I walked into the band room and the first thing out of Laura's mouth was "Katie, we're first." I started having a panic attack, I had tears in my eyes, but didn't cry. I got so sick to my stomach that I was gonna go to the bathroom. I saw Ant, Caserra, and Scott...and they all tackled me with hugs...so I felt better. :-) It came time for us to start the concert, so everyone in Tri-M went and sat on the other side of the dividers. Mr. Lamoureux went out and did his little speech, and introduced Laura and me. While he was out there, I was pacing back and forth trying to calm down because at that point, I was about to cry. So yeah, we went out there, bowed, and started our piece. I could tell after the first note that I was going to suck. Well, there's proof that I'm pyschic. The entire time, I was shaking. It got so bad though. Like, I was trying not to cry...my eyes were watering. You know when your face starts twitching if you're trying not to cry? My face was twitching sooo much...I couldn't get half of my notes out, I messed up a couple times. I just wanted to run off the stage, but I somehow managed to finish the piece. I practically ran off the stage, and once I got around the divider, I started crying. No, not crying...balling my eyes out. I was so mad at myself for doing so bad...because I had practiced so hard and I could do it fine. I hate being the way I am. I get nervous when I'm talking to someone knowing that they're looking at me...so knowing that a room full of people were watching me just freaked me out. After the concert, Caserra, Anthony and I went out to Newport Creamery's...Scott couldn't go :-(
Well, this morning started out wonderfully. I woke up at 6:20, jumoed in the shower, and rushed to get ready. I hate my alarm clock...it refuses to work! I met up with Anthony at school, went to my locker, band room, and his locker, then aimlessly walked around. Anthony wanted to pass by Chelsey because she's been a jerk to me. Well, we walked by them, and I said "Hi Sara" and Chelsey said to her "Don't talk to IT". Anthony got so POed...he's like "excuse me?! what's your problem?!" I just kept on walking for fear that they would chase after us with knives or something. So yeah, Sara said "She's only joking." HA. That's one FUNNY joke. I love being called "it". Ugh. Victoria called ant "Mr. PMS" Phhst. Anthony replied, calling her a slut. LOL. I was so scaredddd. As I was walking away, Sara said to me "We still love you Katie" and I just turned around and smiled a fake smile. I was so scared...I don't know why. Like, I was happy that Anthony stuck up for me because that means sooo much to me, but I just didn't know what was next. We walked downstairs, and the bell rang...I didn't wanna go to homeroom because I knew I was going to cry, and John and Kara are there. I did not want to cry in front of my cousins because I didn't want them to worry. I was able to stay somewhat calm, until my next class wher I just told the teacher I didn't feel good and I needed to rest my head, so I just cried quietly. The entire day, I walked around with a look on my face as though I was about to cry. A zillion peole asked me what was wrong and I couldn't even tell them that nothing was wrong because they knew I was lying. I hate that. This is seriously affecting me more than ever. I can't concentrate in class due to the fact that I'm holding back my tears. I seriously feel as though I DESERVE this...like maybe Chelsey is right. Maybe I AM a loser, I AM stupid, I AM an "it". Whatever the case may be, I don't like this at all. And she only picks on me because I allow her to do it. I'm not one to defend myself, I just put a smile on and pretend everything is okay. I don't think I can do that anymore. I need to say something, what, I don't know...but something. *Sigh* I quit.
I've been tyring so hard to be truly happy. I've been working extra hard in school...and for what? To have that all go to waste. I want to be a normal person...but I'm not. How many normal people do you know are sad 24/7? It's not even that big of a deal, but even little things have a huge affect on me. I need to change...I need to do something. UGH.
At 5:00, Roxann is picking Danny and I up and her, John, Vanessa, John, Robert, my mom and I are all going out to the Venus De Mielo (sp?) restuarant for dinner as a thank-you for the fundraiser. They're such awesome people! Well, I should go get ready. I'm gonna go film "Rubber Duckies Gone Wild" in my shower now! ;-) HeHe...Adios.
Well, this morning started out wonderfully. I woke up at 6:20, jumoed in the shower, and rushed to get ready. I hate my alarm clock...it refuses to work! I met up with Anthony at school, went to my locker, band room, and his locker, then aimlessly walked around. Anthony wanted to pass by Chelsey because she's been a jerk to me. Well, we walked by them, and I said "Hi Sara" and Chelsey said to her "Don't talk to IT". Anthony got so POed...he's like "excuse me?! what's your problem?!" I just kept on walking for fear that they would chase after us with knives or something. So yeah, Sara said "She's only joking." HA. That's one FUNNY joke. I love being called "it". Ugh. Victoria called ant "Mr. PMS" Phhst. Anthony replied, calling her a slut. LOL. I was so scaredddd. As I was walking away, Sara said to me "We still love you Katie" and I just turned around and smiled a fake smile. I was so scared...I don't know why. Like, I was happy that Anthony stuck up for me because that means sooo much to me, but I just didn't know what was next. We walked downstairs, and the bell rang...I didn't wanna go to homeroom because I knew I was going to cry, and John and Kara are there. I did not want to cry in front of my cousins because I didn't want them to worry. I was able to stay somewhat calm, until my next class wher I just told the teacher I didn't feel good and I needed to rest my head, so I just cried quietly. The entire day, I walked around with a look on my face as though I was about to cry. A zillion peole asked me what was wrong and I couldn't even tell them that nothing was wrong because they knew I was lying. I hate that. This is seriously affecting me more than ever. I can't concentrate in class due to the fact that I'm holding back my tears. I seriously feel as though I DESERVE this...like maybe Chelsey is right. Maybe I AM a loser, I AM stupid, I AM an "it". Whatever the case may be, I don't like this at all. And she only picks on me because I allow her to do it. I'm not one to defend myself, I just put a smile on and pretend everything is okay. I don't think I can do that anymore. I need to say something, what, I don't know...but something. *Sigh* I quit.
I've been tyring so hard to be truly happy. I've been working extra hard in school...and for what? To have that all go to waste. I want to be a normal person...but I'm not. How many normal people do you know are sad 24/7? It's not even that big of a deal, but even little things have a huge affect on me. I need to change...I need to do something. UGH.
At 5:00, Roxann is picking Danny and I up and her, John, Vanessa, John, Robert, my mom and I are all going out to the Venus De Mielo (sp?) restuarant for dinner as a thank-you for the fundraiser. They're such awesome people! Well, I should go get ready. I'm gonna go film "Rubber Duckies Gone Wild" in my shower now! ;-) HeHe...Adios.