oh and now I get it
This morning I'm smoking a cigarette watching it rain, before I start my homework. I'm running through ann and my conversation from last night. It doesn't sit well. "Why is she being so cynical about jacob?" I'm wondering. And then I remember she said at some point, "But you loved Dursun." And she was right, I did.
But I was blaming her this morning for being seemingly unsupportive of my current lovey state, and I started to think for the first time in awhile about loving Dursun. Do I love him now? No, I haven't since last March. The story Ann doesn't know. The story I didn't care to tell most people, not even Lee and ilene. Because it would have admitted failure, and at the time I preferred losing my mind. I won't tell it now, because I don't feel like typing it.
It could've been the yaz, or the full time job and full time school, or the fact that Dursun needing all day control, every fucking day. It could've been my not being myself for nearly a year and a half. it could have been my straining relationships with my parents. It could've been all those things that led me to that nasty moment with a towel over my head, turning on the burner gas and trying to test how long I could breathe it without choking. That fucking horrifyingly shameful night when dursun stopped by on his way to get drunk and I broke into hysteric tears telling him that I wanted to kill myself and I didn't know what to do.
But I know why that happened, and somewhere deep in that fake, NICE, bright and talented gym whore, I know he knows why that happened too.
Motherfucker. I know the moment I knew that he didn't love me. He betrayed me in the worst way. He took a wound I'd shared with him, and he ripped the scab off and rubbed it into a salt pyre.
And it was my opportunity to stand, it was my opportunity to run, and instead I found myself in the corner of his bedroom cowering in tears. Instead I found myself in insanity for four more months. He was seeing his current girlfriend while we were still fucking! I was still fucking that deceptive prick!!! For four more months. He's been with her almost a year! And here I am, really really enjoying one of the only adult males I've ever respected in my life, and I'm scared shitless to be punished again for something I don't deserve.
I remembered this morning, when I'd finally gotten over my bullshit about Alexei, that I was NEVER going to dwell in depression about anything involving a guy. And I didnt with Dursun, I just developed suicidal ideation, and that was because he fucking emotionally raped me in the most brutal way possible. And this morning I thought of jacob's letter giving me 1 owed freak out. But I'm promising myself that I'm taking that card to the grave. I will never freak out on him. I don't have room, if he's going to be doing it. And I care for him, and you can't care for something if you're busily freaking out on it.
But I also never ever want to do that to myself. Nothing is worth dying for on purpose, not broken hearts and battered egos, not those cruel moments in life when you see that everything you want is wrong, not just because you shouldn't want it, or possibly because you don't- but because it isn't a possibility.
I'm so glad Dursun loving me was never a possibility. I would've ended up killing myself anyway in due time. He was for certain one of the more dull and demanding holes I've ever fallen into. At least I got lee and ilene out of alexei. I didn't get to keep pete, so dursun's worth remains unknown.
But I was blaming her this morning for being seemingly unsupportive of my current lovey state, and I started to think for the first time in awhile about loving Dursun. Do I love him now? No, I haven't since last March. The story Ann doesn't know. The story I didn't care to tell most people, not even Lee and ilene. Because it would have admitted failure, and at the time I preferred losing my mind. I won't tell it now, because I don't feel like typing it.
It could've been the yaz, or the full time job and full time school, or the fact that Dursun needing all day control, every fucking day. It could've been my not being myself for nearly a year and a half. it could have been my straining relationships with my parents. It could've been all those things that led me to that nasty moment with a towel over my head, turning on the burner gas and trying to test how long I could breathe it without choking. That fucking horrifyingly shameful night when dursun stopped by on his way to get drunk and I broke into hysteric tears telling him that I wanted to kill myself and I didn't know what to do.
But I know why that happened, and somewhere deep in that fake, NICE, bright and talented gym whore, I know he knows why that happened too.
Motherfucker. I know the moment I knew that he didn't love me. He betrayed me in the worst way. He took a wound I'd shared with him, and he ripped the scab off and rubbed it into a salt pyre.
And it was my opportunity to stand, it was my opportunity to run, and instead I found myself in the corner of his bedroom cowering in tears. Instead I found myself in insanity for four more months. He was seeing his current girlfriend while we were still fucking! I was still fucking that deceptive prick!!! For four more months. He's been with her almost a year! And here I am, really really enjoying one of the only adult males I've ever respected in my life, and I'm scared shitless to be punished again for something I don't deserve.
I remembered this morning, when I'd finally gotten over my bullshit about Alexei, that I was NEVER going to dwell in depression about anything involving a guy. And I didnt with Dursun, I just developed suicidal ideation, and that was because he fucking emotionally raped me in the most brutal way possible. And this morning I thought of jacob's letter giving me 1 owed freak out. But I'm promising myself that I'm taking that card to the grave. I will never freak out on him. I don't have room, if he's going to be doing it. And I care for him, and you can't care for something if you're busily freaking out on it.
But I also never ever want to do that to myself. Nothing is worth dying for on purpose, not broken hearts and battered egos, not those cruel moments in life when you see that everything you want is wrong, not just because you shouldn't want it, or possibly because you don't- but because it isn't a possibility.
I'm so glad Dursun loving me was never a possibility. I would've ended up killing myself anyway in due time. He was for certain one of the more dull and demanding holes I've ever fallen into. At least I got lee and ilene out of alexei. I didn't get to keep pete, so dursun's worth remains unknown.