Fires....
I think i am going to stay up really late tonight so i can get caught up on all my homework. Thats all my school year has been like. Its like putting out fires. As soon as you put out one fire and think you finally might have a breather, another springs up. Of course this is just with school. Of course there are fires burning at home. Which those some will take a long time to quench or sadly can never be quenched. Then there is the ever clear fire in the shape of a cross. It burns bright for everyone. It constantly burns and i dont know how to quench it. In eigth grade I was bound determined to join that fire. It was warm and inviting and seemed to have all the answers. Then i stepped out of that fire becuase in some places it didnt burn quite right. Then for nearly the past 3 years i have thought about those trouble spots where the flame doesnt seem right. I made conclusions, i doubted, and i attempted to disprove. For 3 years i spent looking at that flaming cross. Some people said i didnt have faith, some cheered me on. Hell, some people wanted me to publish books on my opinions. Yet, my opinions have got me nowhere. So what has that 3 years gotten me? Well if it did progress me in any fashion it didnt help that much. It did however instill an awkwardness towards that burning cross. When i was searching for answers, there were times i even thought maybe this is what God wants me to do. Seek the truth and help people come to the true light (or in this case fire). But i abandoned that. How can i change the manner in which millions of people live and worship? I couldn't. So i abandoned the attempt to put out that fire on the cross and then relight it with a more true blaze. Now i am left with a sickening feeling when i reach for that cross. What about those spots that seem wrong or mistaken? I have seen those spots and i will never forget them. I feel that if i approach that cross too closely those spots will burn or corrupt me like so many others. I need to approach that cross, it was lit for me. Just as it was lit for you. I know i should, but who knows whats correct? They say thats where faith comes in. But what is faith? People tell children to have faith in superficial characters such as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. How is that any different from religion? I am not saying God and Jesus are superficial (As a matter a fact those are the two things i believe in strongly in religion), i am just saying what about the rest? The stories, the beliefs, the morales? Most people look at my awkwardness to this flame and tell me to just have faith. How is someone just supposed to drop all past thoughts and just suddenly see everything as truth? I don't know. What i do know is that this flame needs to be a larger part of my life. And maybe then that cross will no longer burn with my questions and doubts. Instead it'll just as beautiful as it should be instead of the charred version my mind has replaced it with.
Fires continue to rage out of control in my mind. Fires that i dont know how to approach. There are porject fires, future fires, health fires, and relationship fires. I think my whole world is on fire. I mean one of the fires i just mentioned in the perivous sentence could be put out. I dont know what is going on with that fire, but its weird. I know that fire can be quenched, but i know an extreme emotional fire would spring up with such a loss. Yet, the fire at the moment is burning me in weird ways, that i cant explain. I dont know.
I just know fires are everywhere, fires of relationships, futures, schools, health and projects, that are burning me. As one either burns out or is put out, another comes along. I don't know if i will ever stop being burned and make it through highschool with some unscorched skin.
Fires continue to rage out of control in my mind. Fires that i dont know how to approach. There are porject fires, future fires, health fires, and relationship fires. I think my whole world is on fire. I mean one of the fires i just mentioned in the perivous sentence could be put out. I dont know what is going on with that fire, but its weird. I know that fire can be quenched, but i know an extreme emotional fire would spring up with such a loss. Yet, the fire at the moment is burning me in weird ways, that i cant explain. I dont know.
I just know fires are everywhere, fires of relationships, futures, schools, health and projects, that are burning me. As one either burns out or is put out, another comes along. I don't know if i will ever stop being burned and make it through highschool with some unscorched skin.