(no subject)
I have limits.
This is probably the most difficult thing about myself that I've ever had to admit. I have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot give infinitely, and have to be selfish to a degree to keep my sanity. The way that I have been up to this point has been that I have been everybody's source of advice, their place to vent, and their shoulder to cry on. I am happy to be this person, but there is only so much someone should rationally give. I've never been particularly rational. I've given so much to so many people lately that I am finally feeling the effects: I am brittle, stretched so far past my breaking point that the fact that I have not snapped and completely lost my mind is nothing short of some sort of miracle. I have to relearn how to be selfish, how to make myself happy for me. I will obviously still be there for people because it is a basic part of my personality. I am selfless. I just have to know when I have to take a step back and let things be, and know when I have to do for myself. I'm not used to this concept. I am so used to the idea of just continuously putting myself out there for the people that I care about that I honestly feel a bit callous. I have to get past that though.
There is something else though, that directly relates to the first issue. When I'm stretched past my limits, I put on a brave face and a smile, and tell people that there is nothing wrong with me. I need to break past the illusion that I am basically Superman and let people know that I'm only human. I feel that, generally, I'm doing my friends a disservice by hiding how I really feel from them. It is really not fair to them. They're honest with me, even if I sometimes have to coerce it out of them, and I'm not honest with them. These people are closer to me than family, and they deserve better from me. They deserve the genuine article, a true Dylan, rather than one who polishes away most of his flaws, and creates this illusion to hide behind, in the name of making sure people don't worry about him so he can worry about them.
So I suppose the overall theme of what I need to do is to be more honest. With the people that I care about, and with myself.
I would also like to thank the person who helped me realize these flaws and myself, and help put me on the right path to a better me. They may or may not ever read this, but my most sincere thanks.