(no subject)
He picked her up some flowers on a Sunday afternoon
I don't know how to start this journal entry and i don't even know if there will be anyone who reads this. I think part of me really wants someone to read this, at least someone will care enough to read it. But i don't really have to argue with myself if i think there's anyone who cares, because i know there are so many people who care and love me and for some reason i'm unable to return that love. it's one of those stupid things where i think that no one cares yet i'm the one who isn't able to treat people right. so i kind of wish i knew where this entry was going.
Set out on the porch swing underneath the crescent moon
I want so bad to pick some flowers up and give them to her but she might as well be millions of miles away. I know i need to talk to her and she knows it and i know it. but it's so hard to. I get onto aim or whatever client i'm on and i just forget all of the things i wanted to say. It's not a matter of me not wanting to say something, it's more along the lines of it not even popping into my head. When she asks me what's wrong, i say nothing, because i can't think of anything at the moment that is truly and inexorably wrong or not right.
A lifetime seemed to pass staring at the skies
I want to spend my life with her. I think i'm the one with the problem really; i mean i know it's that way but i don't know what to do with it. I'm upset of course because there's so many things going on in my life, yet i was always raised with the need to be cognizant of the feelings of others around me. So why don't i tell people everything? because i'm not comfortable telling them yet, i'm not ready to tell them yet. Also maybe i think that it's not really relevant to them you know? perhaps, you can nod or disagree with me here, it's not going to offend me. I know my problems are my problems and i have this innate desire not to dump my problems on other people. I wish people could see the big picture you know? (continue the nodding thing again) I mean i'm trying not to be selfish i have no desire or wish to bring other people down by telling them all about my problems because maybe some of those things are so deeply personal that i find it hard to share it; even with myself.
And on the swing he gave her the ring
I gave her a ring and i meant every single word that i told her. My left hand is ringless. But that by no means is blaming anyone, it's just i guess poetic. sort of? Regardless of the poetic validity she's my world. I am nothing without her. she is my sunshine chasing shadows of the sould back into the depths. the light in the dark hall, my love, my heart. I know you love me, you, the reader should know i love her already (duh), and now [pauses for a bit for some introspection before continuing to write] [indecisively] i don't know. i just know that i am not Chris unless there is Anna.
There were tears in her eyes
There's tears in my eyes too. i guess i'll just profess my undying love (it sounds like such a small task, but it is by no means the truth). and for who else? duh Anna. i mean come on could you like guess any differently? there shouldn't have been a doubt in your mind anyways. So let's go over who anna is, or at least who i know her to be. because as much as i wish i could say i know her inside and out, i know her overall and i know her down to the small. but i don't know everything about her, i mean she's a person in herself and i couldn't possibly know everything about her, well for now at least, and in time i may well actually do that. but for now it's...i don't know something but i lost the train, i gotta hop back on that intellectual stream that might take me to my goal or it just you know may well derail and i'll be left in the intellectual jungle of my head, and believe me folks it's not a place where one who's confused wants to be. so back to how she's my everything. she is my everything but you're like so what? what do you mean so what? don't talk to me in that tone!! well, anyways don't think to me in that tone senor because well, i might just have to kill you. see she's more than my better half, like let's relate it to math we can say that i'm a semi porous liquid and she is too. Separately the volume we occupy can be thought of as a unitless number, "1". so if we're poured into a container of volume "1" then we both arrange ourselves nicely and thus take up a volume of "1" combined. Remember that both of us are semi-permeable? porous? something about like mixing alcohol and water and you know that whole volume not exactly V(total)=Vx+Vy, etc you get the point. so now if we take a look at what makes up our existence the components resulting. i would have to say that anna in factoring into me is pretty much around a .7. so she is an element in my being, my psyche, my person, my existence and she exists at around i'd say again, .7 and that's of course out of 1. so when we mix together and we're together she's my .7 and i'm my own .3 so you can see folks that while she's gone or i'm just not talking to her (forgive me please?) that although my volume is "1" it's not the "1" that i had with anna. okay so maybe it doesn't make sense, but i only want it to make sense to one person that matters, so that's right you, anna. so i hope you read this because well, if you don't i don't know i just wasted a journal entry and i don't i'm sad now so love me? and i know you do, i know you love me and there's no doubt, but like i doubt that i deserve your love and i don't know i don't feel like i ever ever earned it. you're beautiful and i knew that from the first time i met you. you called out to me, not just because you were cute and this and that and didn't stop laughing (okay fine yes that's what's initially attracted me to you but anyways) there was a psychological i don't know, "click" you could say and i just felt you becomee that .7 of chris. here's another good analysis i just came up with. People say relationships are 50/50. well i fucking detest that it's not a 50 / 50 sort of deal, it's a simple and brilliant and difficult 100 / 100. each person (well i'm restricting it to two but w/e anyways i digress) needs to put in that 100% and even though 100% get's put in 100% relationship results, it's like that weird permeability thing you know? like it's doesn't just simply add up it like i dont' know but you get the general idea, i've explained enough times :-P. in this case 1 + 1 = 1. and that's how it should be. so back to anna, because that's what it's about, right? duh of course. am i trying to convince myself? perhaps or perhaps i ramble and i guess that's one of those things that you just kinda have to do. because...
i think inherently i think too much and that's what messes me up. but anyways anna (see ? i get friggin distracted goodness gracious). so i met you and i started to fall for you and we've had our ups and downs and our uncertainties and though i look at your screen name and it says it's on, i can't freakin' im you because well i don't know what to say, i don't know what say and that's so frusturating, i mean jeez, it's right there, it's not the end of the world but now my world's just not as it should be. because well i'm not talking to anna and as important as it is to talk to you hun, i can't do every day i can't like talk to you every day and have a meaningful conversation every day like i mean come on? i'm only 18 and i don't have the profound experiences of others more aged than I, i don't and i can't do anything about that because that's something that come s with time. And if something's bothering me it's bothering me and i can't always talk about it. period.
He said I pray I'm not alone in my dreams about forever
So i have to sort myself out. and it's not like i don't want your help or i think you just wouldn't understand it's not that. it's just one of those things where it's something internal that you have to struggle through and work out yourself. Because inherently any other person just isn't you and that's not meant to be an insult or an attack, it's just a statement of fact and everyone realizes it sooner or later. 98.5% of life's problems can be worked out with a partner, that special someone and the other .25% just can't be and that left over stuff is stuff that just doesn't get worked, that get's worked around, over, under, or it breaks the relationship. i'm concerned with the .25% here that i have to work. i need to work it out or i'm just gonna end up fucking up a lot of things. i mean admittedly so, i have fucked up a lot of things, so i don't know what's going to happen, but we'll just see now won't we. i mean i can't go back, but i guess i'll learn, or i won't and be a knucklehead. so the song actually is from jars of Clay and the song is called "Fly Farther" *or further ;)
That you and I could become one and always be together
We'd grow old and wise through all the days
For worse or for better
And I'll be true beside you
I guess i'm like i don't know something, but i have to sort it out. Like i want to talk to you and not have to think. i know it's not my job to entertain you. i know! :-P, but i mean part of me feels this unrelenting need and desire to not bore you to death, to be perfect for you, to be i don't know yours. and i know i am, and i know you're mine, i know i do i know i know i know i knoooooooow, but like um i don't know. so i guess i don't know. hah what a laugh. i want to be true besides you, i cant try and i can't promise perfection but i can promise that i'll damn well try.
so i don't know how to end this journal entry because quite frankly there is no end in sight, you my faithful reader (if you've kept reading to this part, *ahem) know this is true as well. so i guess i'll just end it.
i love you.