confused
Wow its like 1 am and im still awake! I have school tomarow i should be sleepin but yet again im stuck wide awake! I cant even think straight! Im so confused! I really dont like who i am anymore! Its like im a fake person! Im nothin to this world besides a body! I should be dead! I dont want to live no more! If i wasnt alive nobody would care! Im alone in this huge world no one is here to help me up when i fall anymore im not a little gurl anymore! I cant stand this feeling! I dont know what has come over me! Im not myself! I feel like a barbie and everyone is tryin to mold me into somthin that i dont want to be! i cant take it anymore! I CANT!!! I dont know what to do with myself! this feeling is controlin my body i cant fix it! I dont like this feelin! please help me please help me! Im askin for help but no one can hear my crys! I dont want to put anymore of my bullshit on my mom! All she will do is think that im a nut case! But mabey she's right mabey i am a nut case mabey i should just die and no one will have to deal with me anymore! no one will have to worry about me no one will have to care! OH wait no one does care! I wonder what it would be like to not be alive anymore! I dont think that i could kill my self thought im to big of a pusy! I tryed to befor! but i would not go near my vains i tried but i couldnt! mabey i caould run away far far away! so no one could find me! that way they would just forget about me! mabey i would forget about me to! i wish i was my sister! she has so much goin for her she could get in to yale if she wanted to! she has never had a grade lower then a C! she's little miss perfect! everyone loves her she has a great personality and she's very pretty! I wish that i was her and she was me i want her to live in my shoes for one day and i bet that she couldnt make it! i dont think that no one could make it! I look so fine on the outside but no one understands the pain that im feelin on the inside! I try to hide it the best i can but one day im goin to explode and that day is comin i can feel it! I cant take this feelin this is not normal! I shoudnt feel like this! i should be a happy teenager! but i wonder why im not! no one understands! i try talkin to my mom but last time i did that it was like in the 6th grade and she made me go she a shrink! see i bet that no one knows how it feels to be like me! NO ONE DOES!!! no one knows how if feels to go to the grave yard every year on ur birthday to see ur fathers grave! on ur birthday! no one knows how that feels! no one knows how it feels to want somthin so bad but then to be let down! no one knows how it feels to be so scared! no one knows how it feels to hide everything in! i cant let anything show! i cant show my fear i cant show my hurt i cant show anythin! i have o be big bad megab the gurl who can deal with everythin! im the gurl that everyone talkes to im the one that everyone gets to yell at people! I dont like that way i am! mabey i should kill my self! then mabey people would relize that im not jokin and not happy and mabey people would start to relize that i could be what they were tryin to mold me into! i want to be free i want to be myself i want to be happy inside and outside! but i cant be! i have never been this awake befor! i have never relized things about my self until tonight! Im so dead awake right now!