[En] Birthday fic for Kiciur!
UPDATE: omg sorry! I forgot about the lj-cut... damn... I'm really sorry for clogging your f-lists T_____________T
Sto lat! Niech ci się yaoi nie nudzi, niech bishoneny spadaja z nieba calymi chmurami i w ogóle live long and prosper :D A pod spodem, ficzek urodzinowy! Milego czytania :)
Title: It’s ALL your fault.
For: merrshaluk , who prompted me: “Gin/Kira, PG-13 to M (ur call), "It's ALL your fault!" & "Faith has been broken, tears must be cried"”; I didn’t manage to use the second quote in the fic, but I hope I managed to show at least its meaning. And BTW I'm waiting for merrshaluk to beta it :)
Word count: about 2400 - I think it’s one of the longest fics I’ve ever written
Pairing: Gin/Kira - first time writing them ^^
Rating: Somewhere about M, to be safe
Warnings: sexual themes, ANGST LIKE HELL, sappy!crybaby!uke!Kira, swearing, a bit of fluff
Disclaimer: They’re not mine.
A/N: I have a feeling that I rushed that fic a bit, I’m not really into Gin/Kira - it’s my first time writing them, so I haven’t really managed to work out their personalities. But surprisingly, I’m quite satisfied with the outcome ;p I hope that’s more or less what you were thinking of when prompting me, Kiciur! :* Oh and BTW, at the beginning of each part I placed the titles of the songs I was listening to while writing, you might want to check them out while reading.
[Paul Simon - 50 Ways to Leave your Lover]
“Yer so pretty and graceful, Kira-san”, Gin whispered to himself, observing his new fukutaichou doing kata with the seated officers. The silver-haired taichou was sitting on a high seat in the 3rd Squad's practice stadium.
He formed a little heart with his fingers and looked at Kira through this frame. “And now yer almost mine, Kira-san, I know ye'll like it.”
He stood up, admiring the setting sun casting golden reflexes on Kira's blonde hair. Someone on the training grounds noticed the taichou rise from his seat and all the Shinigami present bowed.
In few graceful leaps, Gin landed on the dirt surface, wearing his trademark smile and humming appreciatively.
“Ya were all awesome today”, he said. “But I s'pose it's enough fer t'day, yer gonna get tired and a tired Shinigami's of nah use. Ya can leave now”, he put enough pressure on the last sentence to actually make the officers hurry to the exit. “Except fer ya, Kira-fukutaichou.”
Kira turned around to face Gin. Gin's smile widened at the sight of his fukutaichou's innocent face, the blond fringe hiding one of his electrifying blue eyes.
“I was thinkin', what about a sparrin' session, fukutaichou?”, Gin asked, taking a step in the direction of the blonde boy, who took a step back, his eyes widening. Gin chuckled, “Aww, you shan't be afraid of yer own taichou, Kira-san. Am I that much scary?”, he grinned.
Kira bowed with a muttered apology, blushing up to his ears.
“Yer so shy, I like it”, Gin chirped. “So, I go here and ye go there, and we spar 'till I say stop, 'kay? I wanna see if yer grades at the Academy were fe'real.”
“Right”, Kira replied and hurried to the indicated spot. They bowed to each other and unsheathed their swords.
A few heartbeats of waiting for the first attack passed, both Shinigami searching for an opening. Gin took the first step, aiming at Kira's head, a blow that the blonde easily parred, attempting a cut towards Gin's stomach. Gin predicted it and flash-stepped behind Kira, noticing that the boy reacted quickly with a pirouette.
“Yer defensive”, Gin stated, now aiming at Kira's arm that was an obvious opening. Kira dodged, but Gin turned the sword in his hand and left a small cut on Kira's cheek.
Of course he did it on purpose.
“Stop, stop, Kira-san!”, he exclaimed in mock worry and Kira lowered his sword, a bit surprised that the sparring ended so quickly. “I think I scratched ye”, Gin added, his smile faltering, “Lemme take a look...”, he approached Kira, touching his cheek lightly. The skin was flushed from the fight. Blood was slowly starting to flow from the cut, making Kira's eyes stand out even more in contrast to the vivid red.
“That's just a scratch, Ichimaru-taichou”, Kira said, panting, turning his face away from Gin's long-fingered hand.
“A hundred scratches like that 'n' yer dead, Kira-san”, Gin explained as if to a child. He cupped Kira's face, stroking the smooth pale skin lovingly and before the younger Shinigami could protest, he leaned in to lick at the small wound, collecting the blood with his tongue. There was a sweet tinge to it, as if Kira's sweetness was flowing even in his veins.
The blonde laughed nervously, petrified. “Um, well, Ichimaru-taichou, could I know what you are doing?”
“Healin' yer wounds, Izuru-kun”, was the whispered reply that made the blonde’s breath hitch. Kira used a herbal shampoo, Gin could tell. His skin, obviously washed with milky soap, was so smooth and he smelled so temping...
But Gin wanted to take his time. Trust. Trust is what counted there.
“Here”, he said, taking a step back and leaving the blushing fukutaichou staring at him with a wide-eyed, stupid facial expression. Gin chuckled and patted Kira's shoulder. “Now, let's go to the headquarters 'n' relax' bit after th'whole hard'ay 'f work, he?”
[Rod Stewart - Tonight’s the Night]
“Aaah, good sake’s nevah bad”, Ichimaru sighed, having drained another cup of the liquid. Kira was sitting quietly next to him, rotating his own cup in his hands, observing the shimmering liquid. Apart from them, there were all the seated officers in the room. It was one of the 3rd Squad’s parties that were held at least once every two weeks. The taichou said it was to integrate the Shinigami, letting them spend some time together.
Kira couldn’t deny that he and his taichou became rathers close after several such parties. He felt as if he’d finally found a long-unseen friend of his, they understood each other so well. Of course, Kira did have other friends, but they were busy in their own squads, and he really did want to do his best after being transferred here from the Fourth, so making new friends here was certainly a good-
“Kira-fukutaichou, why ain’t you sayin’ anythin’?”, one of the officers, Suzuki, asked. Kira lifted his gaze from the glimmering sake that threatened to spill over the edges of the cup, and looked at the officer, bewildered. Everyone was looking back at him. After a few seconds of silence it was Gin who spoke.
“Aww, our fukutaichou’s such a shy, quiet boy”, he said, putting an arm around Kira’s shoulders. “But he’s happy he’s ‘ere t’day with us, ne, Izuru?”, the question was accompanied by the taichou’s hand stroking Kira’s hair. The blonde blushed violently and the officers laughed merrily, changing the topic to something different.
Kira wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol flowing in his veins, or something else, but Ichimaru’s touch felt just too good.
[Pussycat Dolls - Sway]
“Fancy a dried persimmon?”, Gin asked, showing Kira a silver box full of the sweet fruit that was resting proudly on his desk. “Got another box fer ye, if you wanna.”
“Thank you, but no”, Kira replied with a sigh, shivering at the mere memory of the sickeningly sweet taste of the treat. He’d already finished his work and was busy putting the papers at their places in the filing cabinet.
He was surprised to feel a hand stroking his shoulder. He almost dropped the folder he was holding.
“Why so cold, Izuru-chan?”, he heard the whisper just next to his ear. He tried not to blush, but his body betrayed him - a chill ran down his spine and his throat went suddenly dry.
It was like that every single time. The taichou had been obviously flirting with him, and now he managed to get what he wanted - since a few months, Kira was attracted to him in a way that couldn’t possibly be right in their situation... but it felt just too good, and everything was fine as long as no one knew, wasn’t it?
The hand was accompanied by the other one and they wandered down Kira’s chest, entwining on his stomach, the slender body of his taichou pressing against his own from behind. Kira abandoned the papers that were spread on the floor and turned around in the embrace, searching for Gin’s lips.
“Feels good, he?”, Gin asked, opening his eyes a millimeter for Kira to notice their unusual, teal colour. Kira licked his lips unconsciously and they were soon captured by Gin’s, whose one hand went up to Kira’s neck and the other wandered down, to stroke his hips. Gin’s mouth tasted of the dried persimmons, but it wasn’t as sweet as the fruit, it was a bit bitter...
“Yes”, Kira whispered as Gin’s mouth planted kisses down his neck, his fingers loosening his top to bite gently at his collarbones. Soon, Gin got Kira panting and tugging at his taichou’s silver hair, lost in pleasure.
“’ave y’ever been touched, sweetheart?”, Gin asked, nuzzling the hakama that hid Kira’s throbbing erection. Kira stifled a moan, but Gin didn’t want any reply. “Yer so needy, so insatiable... wanna change this, huh?”, he was talking in a steady voice, undoing Kira’s sash.
“T-taichou... is that alright? Us doing that?”, Kira panted in the last moment of reason, though he never wanted it to stop. His legs were threatening to give up on supporting his form.
Gin stood up at the question. Kira almost panicked that he did something wrong, but soon Gin’s voice calmed him.
“Izuru-chan, don’t ye like me? I can tell ye do. I like ye too, my sweet little persimmon, I like ye more than ye expect and I... want you, now”, he murmured against Kira’s ear, his hot breath tickling the delicate skin, his hand still fumbling with the sash. Kira felt tears collecting in his eyes, he felt so happy that he could as well be soaring up in the sky.
“I need you, taichou”, he sobbed against Gin’s haori, and the silver-haired man returned to his ministrations down there. Then, there was a long moan and Kira’s head banged against the hard surface of the filing cabinet, tears flowing down his face as his taichou gave him what his body needed.
[No Doubt - Don’t speak]
“He must have someone there”, Kira wailed into his hands as Hisagi poured him another cup of sake. “Doesn’t he love me anymore? Am I that bad? Hisagi? Am I a bad man?!”, he raised his red puffy eyes at his friend.
“Don’t say such bullshit, Izuru, you’re not bad”, Hisagi scolded the blonde. “You’re an awesome guy, dunno why he makes you cry.”
The blonde drained the cup, feeling the hot liquid flow down his throat like some medicine.
“I wake up in empty bed, I go to sleep in one, Hisagi, I’m disgusted with myself”, he lowered his voice to a whisper, burying his fingers in his fringe, threatening to rip it away.
“Kira, told you to fuckin’ stop it, you won’t get anywhere by being depressive. Look at you, you can’t sleep, you lost weight, you’re gonna fall ill because of that stupid fuckin’ bastard!”
“He’s not a bastard! It must be my fault!”, Kira cried, leaving his fringe and looking at Hisagi with wide, shocked eyes. “He’s-“
“If he’s not a fuckin’ bastard”, Hisagi yelled, “then where’s the joyful blonde fellow I knew at the Academy? You’d better do something about your fuckin’ relationship, you’re not going anywhere!”
Silence fell upon them. Kira was looking at his cup, sobbing quietly, and Hisagi was looking at the ceiling.
“I’m sorry, okay?”, Hisagi said in a low voice at last, “It’s difficult for me, too. You’re my friend, Kira, I don’t wanna see you suffer. You know... I’m sure that bastard is plotting something.”
Kira drained another cup of sake and the world started spinning blissfully.
[Demolition Lovers - My Chemical Romance]
„It's your fault, taichou”, Kira sobbed against the hard surface of the chair next to which he knelt, embracing the piece of furniture as if it was his last shred of hope. “You lied. You lied to me that you l-l-lov... It's all... your fault...”
He had a dull ache in the place his heart should be. He couldn't hardly breathe, the pain was suffocating him. Tears seemed to be already carved into his face and he knew he had an ocean more of them.
He didn't know, and didn't want to know, how much time he spent in the office. He wanted to stay like that for the rest of his miserable life, embracing a chair, the one that had been occupied by Ichimaru Gin. He had that bit of hope that his taichou would come back and take Kira with him, wherever he went... but Kira knew it was only a mask, Gin’s real despicable nature hidden beneath that mock smile.
“Liar! Cruel bastard! I hate you, I HATE YOU!”, he spat the words into his sleeve that was already wet from his tears.
What he was supposed to do, all alone in this brutal world? He was scared, petrified by the thought of what will happen if he fails in being a replacement for Gin... and he can never be one, he’s no good...
He let out a long sob at the mere thought of it. It was Gin's fault that he was like that. That the squad was, and will be, in disarray. That the whole Seireitei was on the verge of panic because of what happened.
Kira lay his head on the chair, letting his tears pool on the surface. “It's all your fault, taichou...”, he whispered before the door opened, and the whole world became a blur of colours and sounds that he heard as if coming from another room. Someone half-dragged, half-carried him out of the room, and he didn't even try fighting. If they wanted to kill him, it was a perfect moment to die.
[Fireflies - Owl City]
“Suzuki-san, please take this to the Tenth. Thank you”, Kira ordered, giving a pile of papers to his 5th seat. “Oh, and please tell Saitou-san that I've already looked through the recruitment papers, so he should take care of them as soon as possible.”
Kira leaned back in his chair, cracking his spine. The other desk was pushed back to the wall and there was a set of comfortable armchairs in the now unoccupied space. In one of the armchairs rested the sprawled form of Renji Abarai. He was grinning.
“I see you're takin' care of your squad better than Kuchiki-taichou does of his own”, he chuckled when Suzuki-san left.
Kira snorted, looking in the direction of the window. The day was sunny and everyone was in good mood.
“Sometimes I feel like if he's dead”, he said in a low voice.
“Who, Kuchiki-taichou?”, Renji asked dumbly. Kira rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That foxy bastard. I'd wish he were.”
As Kira later found out, Renji was the one who carried him out of his office that day. Then, he helped Hisagi and him with their struggle to normal life, and apparently, they succeeded, even if it was only their own personal success.
“But...”, Kira went on, his voice shaking just a little bit, “I'm forgetting those bad times. And I think I'm doing my best in restoring the whole order. I mean, it's all his fault, after all...”
“Oh, Izuru! How I like the positive side of you! We're gonna drink sake tonight, you ARE going with us!”, Renji chirped, suddenly on his way towards Kira. He hugged his old friend so tight that the blonde almost heard his ribs crack. Struggling against the embrace and yelling at Renji to stop trying to break his bones, he laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe and admitted feeling happy for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.
Sto lat! Niech ci się yaoi nie nudzi, niech bishoneny spadaja z nieba calymi chmurami i w ogóle live long and prosper :D A pod spodem, ficzek urodzinowy! Milego czytania :)
Title: It’s ALL your fault.
For: merrshaluk , who prompted me: “Gin/Kira, PG-13 to M (ur call), "It's ALL your fault!" & "Faith has been broken, tears must be cried"”; I didn’t manage to use the second quote in the fic, but I hope I managed to show at least its meaning. And BTW I'm waiting for merrshaluk to beta it :)
Word count: about 2400 - I think it’s one of the longest fics I’ve ever written
Pairing: Gin/Kira - first time writing them ^^
Rating: Somewhere about M, to be safe
Warnings: sexual themes, ANGST LIKE HELL, sappy!crybaby!uke!Kira, swearing, a bit of fluff
Disclaimer: They’re not mine.
A/N: I have a feeling that I rushed that fic a bit, I’m not really into Gin/Kira - it’s my first time writing them, so I haven’t really managed to work out their personalities. But surprisingly, I’m quite satisfied with the outcome ;p I hope that’s more or less what you were thinking of when prompting me, Kiciur! :* Oh and BTW, at the beginning of each part I placed the titles of the songs I was listening to while writing, you might want to check them out while reading.
[Paul Simon - 50 Ways to Leave your Lover]
“Yer so pretty and graceful, Kira-san”, Gin whispered to himself, observing his new fukutaichou doing kata with the seated officers. The silver-haired taichou was sitting on a high seat in the 3rd Squad's practice stadium.
He formed a little heart with his fingers and looked at Kira through this frame. “And now yer almost mine, Kira-san, I know ye'll like it.”
He stood up, admiring the setting sun casting golden reflexes on Kira's blonde hair. Someone on the training grounds noticed the taichou rise from his seat and all the Shinigami present bowed.
In few graceful leaps, Gin landed on the dirt surface, wearing his trademark smile and humming appreciatively.
“Ya were all awesome today”, he said. “But I s'pose it's enough fer t'day, yer gonna get tired and a tired Shinigami's of nah use. Ya can leave now”, he put enough pressure on the last sentence to actually make the officers hurry to the exit. “Except fer ya, Kira-fukutaichou.”
Kira turned around to face Gin. Gin's smile widened at the sight of his fukutaichou's innocent face, the blond fringe hiding one of his electrifying blue eyes.
“I was thinkin', what about a sparrin' session, fukutaichou?”, Gin asked, taking a step in the direction of the blonde boy, who took a step back, his eyes widening. Gin chuckled, “Aww, you shan't be afraid of yer own taichou, Kira-san. Am I that much scary?”, he grinned.
Kira bowed with a muttered apology, blushing up to his ears.
“Yer so shy, I like it”, Gin chirped. “So, I go here and ye go there, and we spar 'till I say stop, 'kay? I wanna see if yer grades at the Academy were fe'real.”
“Right”, Kira replied and hurried to the indicated spot. They bowed to each other and unsheathed their swords.
A few heartbeats of waiting for the first attack passed, both Shinigami searching for an opening. Gin took the first step, aiming at Kira's head, a blow that the blonde easily parred, attempting a cut towards Gin's stomach. Gin predicted it and flash-stepped behind Kira, noticing that the boy reacted quickly with a pirouette.
“Yer defensive”, Gin stated, now aiming at Kira's arm that was an obvious opening. Kira dodged, but Gin turned the sword in his hand and left a small cut on Kira's cheek.
Of course he did it on purpose.
“Stop, stop, Kira-san!”, he exclaimed in mock worry and Kira lowered his sword, a bit surprised that the sparring ended so quickly. “I think I scratched ye”, Gin added, his smile faltering, “Lemme take a look...”, he approached Kira, touching his cheek lightly. The skin was flushed from the fight. Blood was slowly starting to flow from the cut, making Kira's eyes stand out even more in contrast to the vivid red.
“That's just a scratch, Ichimaru-taichou”, Kira said, panting, turning his face away from Gin's long-fingered hand.
“A hundred scratches like that 'n' yer dead, Kira-san”, Gin explained as if to a child. He cupped Kira's face, stroking the smooth pale skin lovingly and before the younger Shinigami could protest, he leaned in to lick at the small wound, collecting the blood with his tongue. There was a sweet tinge to it, as if Kira's sweetness was flowing even in his veins.
The blonde laughed nervously, petrified. “Um, well, Ichimaru-taichou, could I know what you are doing?”
“Healin' yer wounds, Izuru-kun”, was the whispered reply that made the blonde’s breath hitch. Kira used a herbal shampoo, Gin could tell. His skin, obviously washed with milky soap, was so smooth and he smelled so temping...
But Gin wanted to take his time. Trust. Trust is what counted there.
“Here”, he said, taking a step back and leaving the blushing fukutaichou staring at him with a wide-eyed, stupid facial expression. Gin chuckled and patted Kira's shoulder. “Now, let's go to the headquarters 'n' relax' bit after th'whole hard'ay 'f work, he?”
[Rod Stewart - Tonight’s the Night]
“Aaah, good sake’s nevah bad”, Ichimaru sighed, having drained another cup of the liquid. Kira was sitting quietly next to him, rotating his own cup in his hands, observing the shimmering liquid. Apart from them, there were all the seated officers in the room. It was one of the 3rd Squad’s parties that were held at least once every two weeks. The taichou said it was to integrate the Shinigami, letting them spend some time together.
Kira couldn’t deny that he and his taichou became rathers close after several such parties. He felt as if he’d finally found a long-unseen friend of his, they understood each other so well. Of course, Kira did have other friends, but they were busy in their own squads, and he really did want to do his best after being transferred here from the Fourth, so making new friends here was certainly a good-
“Kira-fukutaichou, why ain’t you sayin’ anythin’?”, one of the officers, Suzuki, asked. Kira lifted his gaze from the glimmering sake that threatened to spill over the edges of the cup, and looked at the officer, bewildered. Everyone was looking back at him. After a few seconds of silence it was Gin who spoke.
“Aww, our fukutaichou’s such a shy, quiet boy”, he said, putting an arm around Kira’s shoulders. “But he’s happy he’s ‘ere t’day with us, ne, Izuru?”, the question was accompanied by the taichou’s hand stroking Kira’s hair. The blonde blushed violently and the officers laughed merrily, changing the topic to something different.
Kira wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol flowing in his veins, or something else, but Ichimaru’s touch felt just too good.
[Pussycat Dolls - Sway]
“Fancy a dried persimmon?”, Gin asked, showing Kira a silver box full of the sweet fruit that was resting proudly on his desk. “Got another box fer ye, if you wanna.”
“Thank you, but no”, Kira replied with a sigh, shivering at the mere memory of the sickeningly sweet taste of the treat. He’d already finished his work and was busy putting the papers at their places in the filing cabinet.
He was surprised to feel a hand stroking his shoulder. He almost dropped the folder he was holding.
“Why so cold, Izuru-chan?”, he heard the whisper just next to his ear. He tried not to blush, but his body betrayed him - a chill ran down his spine and his throat went suddenly dry.
It was like that every single time. The taichou had been obviously flirting with him, and now he managed to get what he wanted - since a few months, Kira was attracted to him in a way that couldn’t possibly be right in their situation... but it felt just too good, and everything was fine as long as no one knew, wasn’t it?
The hand was accompanied by the other one and they wandered down Kira’s chest, entwining on his stomach, the slender body of his taichou pressing against his own from behind. Kira abandoned the papers that were spread on the floor and turned around in the embrace, searching for Gin’s lips.
“Feels good, he?”, Gin asked, opening his eyes a millimeter for Kira to notice their unusual, teal colour. Kira licked his lips unconsciously and they were soon captured by Gin’s, whose one hand went up to Kira’s neck and the other wandered down, to stroke his hips. Gin’s mouth tasted of the dried persimmons, but it wasn’t as sweet as the fruit, it was a bit bitter...
“Yes”, Kira whispered as Gin’s mouth planted kisses down his neck, his fingers loosening his top to bite gently at his collarbones. Soon, Gin got Kira panting and tugging at his taichou’s silver hair, lost in pleasure.
“’ave y’ever been touched, sweetheart?”, Gin asked, nuzzling the hakama that hid Kira’s throbbing erection. Kira stifled a moan, but Gin didn’t want any reply. “Yer so needy, so insatiable... wanna change this, huh?”, he was talking in a steady voice, undoing Kira’s sash.
“T-taichou... is that alright? Us doing that?”, Kira panted in the last moment of reason, though he never wanted it to stop. His legs were threatening to give up on supporting his form.
Gin stood up at the question. Kira almost panicked that he did something wrong, but soon Gin’s voice calmed him.
“Izuru-chan, don’t ye like me? I can tell ye do. I like ye too, my sweet little persimmon, I like ye more than ye expect and I... want you, now”, he murmured against Kira’s ear, his hot breath tickling the delicate skin, his hand still fumbling with the sash. Kira felt tears collecting in his eyes, he felt so happy that he could as well be soaring up in the sky.
“I need you, taichou”, he sobbed against Gin’s haori, and the silver-haired man returned to his ministrations down there. Then, there was a long moan and Kira’s head banged against the hard surface of the filing cabinet, tears flowing down his face as his taichou gave him what his body needed.
[No Doubt - Don’t speak]
“He must have someone there”, Kira wailed into his hands as Hisagi poured him another cup of sake. “Doesn’t he love me anymore? Am I that bad? Hisagi? Am I a bad man?!”, he raised his red puffy eyes at his friend.
“Don’t say such bullshit, Izuru, you’re not bad”, Hisagi scolded the blonde. “You’re an awesome guy, dunno why he makes you cry.”
The blonde drained the cup, feeling the hot liquid flow down his throat like some medicine.
“I wake up in empty bed, I go to sleep in one, Hisagi, I’m disgusted with myself”, he lowered his voice to a whisper, burying his fingers in his fringe, threatening to rip it away.
“Kira, told you to fuckin’ stop it, you won’t get anywhere by being depressive. Look at you, you can’t sleep, you lost weight, you’re gonna fall ill because of that stupid fuckin’ bastard!”
“He’s not a bastard! It must be my fault!”, Kira cried, leaving his fringe and looking at Hisagi with wide, shocked eyes. “He’s-“
“If he’s not a fuckin’ bastard”, Hisagi yelled, “then where’s the joyful blonde fellow I knew at the Academy? You’d better do something about your fuckin’ relationship, you’re not going anywhere!”
Silence fell upon them. Kira was looking at his cup, sobbing quietly, and Hisagi was looking at the ceiling.
“I’m sorry, okay?”, Hisagi said in a low voice at last, “It’s difficult for me, too. You’re my friend, Kira, I don’t wanna see you suffer. You know... I’m sure that bastard is plotting something.”
Kira drained another cup of sake and the world started spinning blissfully.
[Demolition Lovers - My Chemical Romance]
„It's your fault, taichou”, Kira sobbed against the hard surface of the chair next to which he knelt, embracing the piece of furniture as if it was his last shred of hope. “You lied. You lied to me that you l-l-lov... It's all... your fault...”
He had a dull ache in the place his heart should be. He couldn't hardly breathe, the pain was suffocating him. Tears seemed to be already carved into his face and he knew he had an ocean more of them.
He didn't know, and didn't want to know, how much time he spent in the office. He wanted to stay like that for the rest of his miserable life, embracing a chair, the one that had been occupied by Ichimaru Gin. He had that bit of hope that his taichou would come back and take Kira with him, wherever he went... but Kira knew it was only a mask, Gin’s real despicable nature hidden beneath that mock smile.
“Liar! Cruel bastard! I hate you, I HATE YOU!”, he spat the words into his sleeve that was already wet from his tears.
What he was supposed to do, all alone in this brutal world? He was scared, petrified by the thought of what will happen if he fails in being a replacement for Gin... and he can never be one, he’s no good...
He let out a long sob at the mere thought of it. It was Gin's fault that he was like that. That the squad was, and will be, in disarray. That the whole Seireitei was on the verge of panic because of what happened.
Kira lay his head on the chair, letting his tears pool on the surface. “It's all your fault, taichou...”, he whispered before the door opened, and the whole world became a blur of colours and sounds that he heard as if coming from another room. Someone half-dragged, half-carried him out of the room, and he didn't even try fighting. If they wanted to kill him, it was a perfect moment to die.
[Fireflies - Owl City]
“Suzuki-san, please take this to the Tenth. Thank you”, Kira ordered, giving a pile of papers to his 5th seat. “Oh, and please tell Saitou-san that I've already looked through the recruitment papers, so he should take care of them as soon as possible.”
Kira leaned back in his chair, cracking his spine. The other desk was pushed back to the wall and there was a set of comfortable armchairs in the now unoccupied space. In one of the armchairs rested the sprawled form of Renji Abarai. He was grinning.
“I see you're takin' care of your squad better than Kuchiki-taichou does of his own”, he chuckled when Suzuki-san left.
Kira snorted, looking in the direction of the window. The day was sunny and everyone was in good mood.
“Sometimes I feel like if he's dead”, he said in a low voice.
“Who, Kuchiki-taichou?”, Renji asked dumbly. Kira rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That foxy bastard. I'd wish he were.”
As Kira later found out, Renji was the one who carried him out of his office that day. Then, he helped Hisagi and him with their struggle to normal life, and apparently, they succeeded, even if it was only their own personal success.
“But...”, Kira went on, his voice shaking just a little bit, “I'm forgetting those bad times. And I think I'm doing my best in restoring the whole order. I mean, it's all his fault, after all...”
“Oh, Izuru! How I like the positive side of you! We're gonna drink sake tonight, you ARE going with us!”, Renji chirped, suddenly on his way towards Kira. He hugged his old friend so tight that the blonde almost heard his ribs crack. Struggling against the embrace and yelling at Renji to stop trying to break his bones, he laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe and admitted feeling happy for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.