[purpose]
I've never been happier.
Today I went to Cincy with Brandon, Jessica, and Diana.
Had a soda, a milkshake, a cucumber & cream cheese sammich, and the obligatory coffee.
Life right now. Hmm. How to sum it up:
Spending most of my time with Diana. This, of course, means a provocation of jealousy in my mother, which means random snaps on me. It's fine, and I understand she had troubles, and despite the spontaneous eruptions, she's been amazingly liberal and cool about my relationship with Diana.
Everyone has. Whoever reads this, Thank you.
Lucy and I had an extensive talk and a very cool day not long ago. We went up to Oxford, where she took care of some stuff, and then we walked around in a graveyard in the rain, looking for her ancestors. We never found them, but I saw a side of her I never did. Very cool. I have new respect and love for Lucy. She's like my sister.
As if I need another one. Just kid, just kid.
I've had a really complacent relationship with my mother lately, and it's good to see her smiling most of the time. It may not always be authentic, but at least she's not wallering in self pity when shit gets tough, like my dad always did.
And it feels really good when I know she's smiling because she wants me to be happy.
My family is very good to me, despite my faults, and despite of what an asshole I can be. Despite my childishness, they love me, and I couldn't ask for a better family. We may be psychotic, but every family is, and the most psychotic ones are the ones that hide it. And there's nothing more unhealthy.
I'm concerned with Laura. She's the one family member that I've spent most of my life with and know the least. I know nothing of her, and it's definitely not because I don't want to, rather she doesn't let anyone. What does she want to be? What does she want out of herself? Why does she always feel so inadequate?
Why can't the people in this world that I love so much, and think so highly of, see the beauty they possess, and see the heights they can reach?
Why does she feel so chained?
I won't bother with it. I can't. The only one that can free her IS her. She wants to get out but she never wants to leave.
She wants fresh air but the only air she's willing to breathe is her own.
She wants love, but she won't love herself.
I doubt it's any alleviation, but I do love you, Laura, and I wish you could see your potential, and your talent, and your beauty, because in this big world full of ugly things, the only thing that can dictate the ugliness of a human being is their actions.
And the only thing you've done wrong is underestimate yourself completely.
That's all.
As for me, my days are spent sleeping, working, and thinking. Writing and drawing here and there. Play a little gitfiddle. You know. Just playin'.
And Diana. I could go for hours on that one. Short and sweet:
Quarky, smart, funny, vivacious, esteeming, talented, understanding, kind, Bohemian, loving, caring, fucking cool as hell and authentically beautiful. I've never felt so comfortable, accepted, and loved in my life.
I thank the god that I don't believe in for her.
I have a good life right now. I mean, I've always had it well, but right now I couldn't be more happy. Andy and I play guitar and talk about everything, Jess and I talk and drink coffee and hang out, Laura and I laugh and joke, and my parents are letting me see a side of them I never have before. A few holes are being filled, and even though I miss the ones I've lost, I find happiness and optimism with those I have left. I have many people in my life to love.
And that's all I ever needed.
I thank everyone for everything. My memory is long, and I'll never forget those who have helped and loved me, and if there is any way in my life that I could ever repay them, I will try my best.
I love you all. Sleep well.
Today I went to Cincy with Brandon, Jessica, and Diana.
Had a soda, a milkshake, a cucumber & cream cheese sammich, and the obligatory coffee.
Life right now. Hmm. How to sum it up:
Spending most of my time with Diana. This, of course, means a provocation of jealousy in my mother, which means random snaps on me. It's fine, and I understand she had troubles, and despite the spontaneous eruptions, she's been amazingly liberal and cool about my relationship with Diana.
Everyone has. Whoever reads this, Thank you.
Lucy and I had an extensive talk and a very cool day not long ago. We went up to Oxford, where she took care of some stuff, and then we walked around in a graveyard in the rain, looking for her ancestors. We never found them, but I saw a side of her I never did. Very cool. I have new respect and love for Lucy. She's like my sister.
As if I need another one. Just kid, just kid.
I've had a really complacent relationship with my mother lately, and it's good to see her smiling most of the time. It may not always be authentic, but at least she's not wallering in self pity when shit gets tough, like my dad always did.
And it feels really good when I know she's smiling because she wants me to be happy.
My family is very good to me, despite my faults, and despite of what an asshole I can be. Despite my childishness, they love me, and I couldn't ask for a better family. We may be psychotic, but every family is, and the most psychotic ones are the ones that hide it. And there's nothing more unhealthy.
I'm concerned with Laura. She's the one family member that I've spent most of my life with and know the least. I know nothing of her, and it's definitely not because I don't want to, rather she doesn't let anyone. What does she want to be? What does she want out of herself? Why does she always feel so inadequate?
Why can't the people in this world that I love so much, and think so highly of, see the beauty they possess, and see the heights they can reach?
Why does she feel so chained?
I won't bother with it. I can't. The only one that can free her IS her. She wants to get out but she never wants to leave.
She wants fresh air but the only air she's willing to breathe is her own.
She wants love, but she won't love herself.
I doubt it's any alleviation, but I do love you, Laura, and I wish you could see your potential, and your talent, and your beauty, because in this big world full of ugly things, the only thing that can dictate the ugliness of a human being is their actions.
And the only thing you've done wrong is underestimate yourself completely.
That's all.
As for me, my days are spent sleeping, working, and thinking. Writing and drawing here and there. Play a little gitfiddle. You know. Just playin'.
And Diana. I could go for hours on that one. Short and sweet:
Quarky, smart, funny, vivacious, esteeming, talented, understanding, kind, Bohemian, loving, caring, fucking cool as hell and authentically beautiful. I've never felt so comfortable, accepted, and loved in my life.
I thank the god that I don't believe in for her.
I have a good life right now. I mean, I've always had it well, but right now I couldn't be more happy. Andy and I play guitar and talk about everything, Jess and I talk and drink coffee and hang out, Laura and I laugh and joke, and my parents are letting me see a side of them I never have before. A few holes are being filled, and even though I miss the ones I've lost, I find happiness and optimism with those I have left. I have many people in my life to love.
And that's all I ever needed.
I thank everyone for everything. My memory is long, and I'll never forget those who have helped and loved me, and if there is any way in my life that I could ever repay them, I will try my best.
I love you all. Sleep well.