1.800.SUICIDE
Today, I didn't go to the Kindergarten to discuss my contract. One of the teachers that I need to meet with had forgotten that she wasn't going to be in school today, so I will be going in Monday morning to discuss things instead.
I was actually supposed to go to the doctor today in order to get my sertralin rx re-filled, but, honestly, I just didn't want to, so I didn't go. I am going to try to call a bit later to see if I can go and get it on Tuesday.
Last night was pretty bad for me. I have been feeling so lonely lately that, after my husband told me that he would be here to eat dinner and then go straight to hang out with his brother all evening, I had a total breakdown. What really hurt the most is the fact that the night before I was trying to tell him just how bad my loneliness has been getting. Of course, I wasn't able to go into detail for fear of coming off as being too pathetic, but at least I tried. Then, the very next day, after being away at work all day he tells me that he is going to go spend the whole evening with his brother. It is like it doesn't even matter if I try to tell him how I feel or not. He doesn't even try to be there for me. After he asked what he could do to help make me feel better and I told him just to spend more time with me. Does he even hear a word I say?
Does he not realize that I am in a country I hate where I have no friends, no family, no life? Does he think that that is easy for me? Does he think that I feel at home when we are living with his parents and when we are sitting at the dinner table together I can't understand a word of what is going on because his parents have lived in this country for almost 40 years yet still are unable to hold a simple conversation in the language? Does he think it is right that he discuss the important things, like moving and decorating plans with his brother and mother before he talks to me about them? Does he think that I should understand every word he says when he discusses it with them right next to me in a language I don't understand? I mean, I tried to learn a lot of Turkish. I worked really hard. But, you know, I have pretty much completely given up on it because they speak such an insane amount of slang, nothing that they say makes sense to me. It's like they use the "I" form for any and everything. How am I supposed to understand that? It is difficult enough when there is no differentiation between sexes in the language and then they speak everything in first person??? Wtf?
I called a crisis/suicide hotline last night. It is the first time that I have ever done anything like that, but I just needed to talk to someone because I seriously have no one to talk to in my life at all. I talked to a really nice Israeli woman named Naomi. We were only able to talk for 30 minutes or so, but she was able to help me calm down quite a bit. By the end of the conversation I wasn't even crying anymore and wasn't so tempted to swallow every pill I could find. She told me that I really should try to find a therapist here, no matter what. I know she is right, and I really want one, but I am so afraid to find one since every doctor I have ever come in contact with here is not a doctor at all in my eyes. I've only ever had bad experiences with therapists as well, but maybe here none of them would go against the rule of keeping patient's secrets to themselves. In the past, they have always gone behind my back and told my family about what I tell them, which just made my life more of a living hell.
I hate being alone, and I hate the fact that all of a sudden I feel as though I cannot talk to my husband about anything. I mean, I can tell him anything, but I cannot have an interesting conversation with him about anything like I used to. Before we were married, he used to discuss the things that interest me and ask questions as if it were important to him to know every part of me. Now, I don't even feel comfortable bringing anything of interest up, because he just doesn't understand or care. I listen to him when he talks about cars, and I listen wholeheartedly because I know how much he loves them. Why can't he do that same thing for me? I don't understand why I have to be open and okay for anything that he says or does, but he can't be the same for me.
I really do need a therapist. If I don't find one, I probably won't have anyone to ever talk to again...
I was actually supposed to go to the doctor today in order to get my sertralin rx re-filled, but, honestly, I just didn't want to, so I didn't go. I am going to try to call a bit later to see if I can go and get it on Tuesday.
Last night was pretty bad for me. I have been feeling so lonely lately that, after my husband told me that he would be here to eat dinner and then go straight to hang out with his brother all evening, I had a total breakdown. What really hurt the most is the fact that the night before I was trying to tell him just how bad my loneliness has been getting. Of course, I wasn't able to go into detail for fear of coming off as being too pathetic, but at least I tried. Then, the very next day, after being away at work all day he tells me that he is going to go spend the whole evening with his brother. It is like it doesn't even matter if I try to tell him how I feel or not. He doesn't even try to be there for me. After he asked what he could do to help make me feel better and I told him just to spend more time with me. Does he even hear a word I say?
Does he not realize that I am in a country I hate where I have no friends, no family, no life? Does he think that that is easy for me? Does he think that I feel at home when we are living with his parents and when we are sitting at the dinner table together I can't understand a word of what is going on because his parents have lived in this country for almost 40 years yet still are unable to hold a simple conversation in the language? Does he think it is right that he discuss the important things, like moving and decorating plans with his brother and mother before he talks to me about them? Does he think that I should understand every word he says when he discusses it with them right next to me in a language I don't understand? I mean, I tried to learn a lot of Turkish. I worked really hard. But, you know, I have pretty much completely given up on it because they speak such an insane amount of slang, nothing that they say makes sense to me. It's like they use the "I" form for any and everything. How am I supposed to understand that? It is difficult enough when there is no differentiation between sexes in the language and then they speak everything in first person??? Wtf?
I called a crisis/suicide hotline last night. It is the first time that I have ever done anything like that, but I just needed to talk to someone because I seriously have no one to talk to in my life at all. I talked to a really nice Israeli woman named Naomi. We were only able to talk for 30 minutes or so, but she was able to help me calm down quite a bit. By the end of the conversation I wasn't even crying anymore and wasn't so tempted to swallow every pill I could find. She told me that I really should try to find a therapist here, no matter what. I know she is right, and I really want one, but I am so afraid to find one since every doctor I have ever come in contact with here is not a doctor at all in my eyes. I've only ever had bad experiences with therapists as well, but maybe here none of them would go against the rule of keeping patient's secrets to themselves. In the past, they have always gone behind my back and told my family about what I tell them, which just made my life more of a living hell.
I hate being alone, and I hate the fact that all of a sudden I feel as though I cannot talk to my husband about anything. I mean, I can tell him anything, but I cannot have an interesting conversation with him about anything like I used to. Before we were married, he used to discuss the things that interest me and ask questions as if it were important to him to know every part of me. Now, I don't even feel comfortable bringing anything of interest up, because he just doesn't understand or care. I listen to him when he talks about cars, and I listen wholeheartedly because I know how much he loves them. Why can't he do that same thing for me? I don't understand why I have to be open and okay for anything that he says or does, but he can't be the same for me.
I really do need a therapist. If I don't find one, I probably won't have anyone to ever talk to again...