Not again...
Since I have been back from the States, I have not been on here as much as I had hoped to be. There just doesn't seem to be a moment where I am able to just sit and write anything in peace. I only have the time now because I am, yet again, home sick. This is crazy. I go from not being sick for years and years, to getting the same insane throat infection three times in six months. Literally every other month starting in January. There is either something seriously wrong with me and the good-for-nothing doctors here won't do anything for me, or my immune system is nothing against the filthy children at the Kindergarten.
I think I posted on here from my phone saying how I seem to be full of nothing but anger and negativity since I have been back in Austria. That has yet to change. I am angry about everything and am just to ticked off and hopeless to try to do anything about it. I have sent a bunch of applications out for a new job, but no one ever calls or writes back. I had been hoping that I would have a shot to teach for Berlitz this time around, but they did not even invited me to the interview/training this time because the last time I was stupid and had told them that I had job. The next session isn't until August. I think I have pretty much given up home on them. I cannot wait until August!!! That is insane!! I just want to go back home. Back to my grandparent's, away from this nightmare, and try to start everything from scratch. Being married makes that all rather difficult though. I can't really start anything. I don't neet some huge lift altering change right away, I just need something. I was looking into hatha yoga classes, especially to stretch and strengthen my back, but I can't do that because the trainer's are men and my husband won't allow it. There isn't really any point in venturing out to do anything anyway since just looking out the window and seeing where I am makes me sick and just pissed off. I HATE IT HERE!!!!!
When I stop and think about it, I would probably hate it any and everywhere if i stayed there too long. I really don't know. I still long for my beautiful Germany, but am afraid that if we were to somehow make a move up there, I would, yet again, become miserable, and need to leave. I am afraid that I can never be satisfied.
I try to focus on the spiritual side of things. I try to detach myself from all of these things that make me miserable, because, in the end, they are really not important. Sometimes I can convince myself of that, but then I lose that state of mind rather quickly.
My reading has been more focused on different philosophies inside of Sanatana Dharma lately. I have especially been focusing on Caitanya, or Gaudiya, Vaishnavism, along with different types of Shaktism. I have been trying to learn as much about Krishna as I can. Unfortunately, my attention span seems to have been shortened and I cannot really sit and read too much before I begin to get distracted...it could also be because a few of the authors I have been reading are not very exciting. I love reading the technical stuff, but not when it is written as if a robot had done all of the work.
Though I still surround myself with spiritual writings and quotes, I seem to have strayed a bit away from the path again. I find myself looking for something else. Skimming through information and texts of other philosophies and faiths, only to realize that I have read through them all before and had come to conclude that they are beautiful but unfortunately not for me. I seem to find myself in a rather hopeless state. I am so frustrated and pessimistic that I don't really care about anything anymore...again. I am only happy about that fact that none of this has brought on any sleep paralysis, terribly deep depression or longing for death. I am here. That is all.
I used to think that I was born to accomplish something great. Not become world famous for something, that is nothing that I have ever wanted, but just to accomplish something. I feel as though this will never happen. I will never do anything great. In my entire life, whenever there have been big and important decisions to be made, I have always done one of two things. I have either let someone else to the deciding for me, or, I have made my own decision based on what I think would please someone else; usually being my family or my now husband. I have really thought about it lately, and that is really how I have always made a decision, if you can even call that making a decision. Every time that this has happened, aside from a few cases when the (grand)parents really do know best, I have screwed myself over in the worst ways imaginable. Before, I could honestly say that I really only regretted one thing in my life. Now, after sitting back and thinking about it, I pretty much regret every damn thing. Now...Now I am married and will never have the ability to try to make things right for myself. At least that is how I feel. I feel that now, I am here, we are together. Every decision and everything is OURS and has to be decided by US; even though I know that that most likely means HIM. It is not that he is controlling, or that I do not have any say. That is not the case at all. The thing is, I can never say no to him, especially after the pain I have put him through in the past. I always put him before me, even if that means I just want to crawl in a hole and die afterwards. As long as he is happy and content, that is all that matters. This is one of my main reasons for just randomly bursting into tears. He will never understand.
I love hime more than anything, yet to be with him means that every other part of my life is a nightmare. To be away from him would be unimaginable and impossible. My life is always full of extremes. In order to make someone else happy, I must suffer. If I want to go out and take on something for myself, then someone else will be hurt or upset by it. I can't stand to be the cause of someone elses anger or disappointment, so I just do what needs to be done so that they are happy and I am suffering; but as long as they're happy, right?
I feel so lost and alone with no one to talk to. Though I can talk to my husband about anything, I can actually never talk to him about how horrible I feel because he has "had enough about hearing how miserable I am". If I can't talk to him, then who? If he doesn't care how I feel, then who? If God keeps playing this unbearable game of hide and seek with me, what am I supposed to do??? I hate myself for being me...
I think I posted on here from my phone saying how I seem to be full of nothing but anger and negativity since I have been back in Austria. That has yet to change. I am angry about everything and am just to ticked off and hopeless to try to do anything about it. I have sent a bunch of applications out for a new job, but no one ever calls or writes back. I had been hoping that I would have a shot to teach for Berlitz this time around, but they did not even invited me to the interview/training this time because the last time I was stupid and had told them that I had job. The next session isn't until August. I think I have pretty much given up home on them. I cannot wait until August!!! That is insane!! I just want to go back home. Back to my grandparent's, away from this nightmare, and try to start everything from scratch. Being married makes that all rather difficult though. I can't really start anything. I don't neet some huge lift altering change right away, I just need something. I was looking into hatha yoga classes, especially to stretch and strengthen my back, but I can't do that because the trainer's are men and my husband won't allow it. There isn't really any point in venturing out to do anything anyway since just looking out the window and seeing where I am makes me sick and just pissed off. I HATE IT HERE!!!!!
When I stop and think about it, I would probably hate it any and everywhere if i stayed there too long. I really don't know. I still long for my beautiful Germany, but am afraid that if we were to somehow make a move up there, I would, yet again, become miserable, and need to leave. I am afraid that I can never be satisfied.
I try to focus on the spiritual side of things. I try to detach myself from all of these things that make me miserable, because, in the end, they are really not important. Sometimes I can convince myself of that, but then I lose that state of mind rather quickly.
My reading has been more focused on different philosophies inside of Sanatana Dharma lately. I have especially been focusing on Caitanya, or Gaudiya, Vaishnavism, along with different types of Shaktism. I have been trying to learn as much about Krishna as I can. Unfortunately, my attention span seems to have been shortened and I cannot really sit and read too much before I begin to get distracted...it could also be because a few of the authors I have been reading are not very exciting. I love reading the technical stuff, but not when it is written as if a robot had done all of the work.
Though I still surround myself with spiritual writings and quotes, I seem to have strayed a bit away from the path again. I find myself looking for something else. Skimming through information and texts of other philosophies and faiths, only to realize that I have read through them all before and had come to conclude that they are beautiful but unfortunately not for me. I seem to find myself in a rather hopeless state. I am so frustrated and pessimistic that I don't really care about anything anymore...again. I am only happy about that fact that none of this has brought on any sleep paralysis, terribly deep depression or longing for death. I am here. That is all.
I used to think that I was born to accomplish something great. Not become world famous for something, that is nothing that I have ever wanted, but just to accomplish something. I feel as though this will never happen. I will never do anything great. In my entire life, whenever there have been big and important decisions to be made, I have always done one of two things. I have either let someone else to the deciding for me, or, I have made my own decision based on what I think would please someone else; usually being my family or my now husband. I have really thought about it lately, and that is really how I have always made a decision, if you can even call that making a decision. Every time that this has happened, aside from a few cases when the (grand)parents really do know best, I have screwed myself over in the worst ways imaginable. Before, I could honestly say that I really only regretted one thing in my life. Now, after sitting back and thinking about it, I pretty much regret every damn thing. Now...Now I am married and will never have the ability to try to make things right for myself. At least that is how I feel. I feel that now, I am here, we are together. Every decision and everything is OURS and has to be decided by US; even though I know that that most likely means HIM. It is not that he is controlling, or that I do not have any say. That is not the case at all. The thing is, I can never say no to him, especially after the pain I have put him through in the past. I always put him before me, even if that means I just want to crawl in a hole and die afterwards. As long as he is happy and content, that is all that matters. This is one of my main reasons for just randomly bursting into tears. He will never understand.
I love hime more than anything, yet to be with him means that every other part of my life is a nightmare. To be away from him would be unimaginable and impossible. My life is always full of extremes. In order to make someone else happy, I must suffer. If I want to go out and take on something for myself, then someone else will be hurt or upset by it. I can't stand to be the cause of someone elses anger or disappointment, so I just do what needs to be done so that they are happy and I am suffering; but as long as they're happy, right?
I feel so lost and alone with no one to talk to. Though I can talk to my husband about anything, I can actually never talk to him about how horrible I feel because he has "had enough about hearing how miserable I am". If I can't talk to him, then who? If he doesn't care how I feel, then who? If God keeps playing this unbearable game of hide and seek with me, what am I supposed to do??? I hate myself for being me...