I don't know... // Kisna
It is Sunday. Which means that tomorrow I will be heading back to work. Still not looking forward to that. Don't really want to think about it at all...
Today is just a lazy Sunday. My husband and his brother are off washing their beloved cars together.
I have to admit that the last argument that my husband and I had is still having a negative effect on me. I haven't really felt comfortable around him since. Before, I would count the seconds until he finally got home from work and never want to spend a minute apart from him, but now it's like I eagerly wait for every minute I get alone. I am always afraid that I am going to say or do something wrong; something that will make him upset with me. Sometimes, I almost feel as if he is trying to provoke an argument, like by trying to prove all of the faults and horrible things about my country, when he has only been there for two weeks in his whole life and has never studied about it at all. No country is perfect. Period. Today he tried that again. I'll admit, I cannot really argue back. Politics, government issues and all of that kind of stuff are not my thing at all. Plus, I don't want to argue or get into a debate about it; especially when I don't know all of the facts. These types of debates are of no interest to me. I read the headlines and the news from back home every time I have the chance and that is it. I stay updated, but I don't dive into detail.
He also keeps putting me down by saying that I am clueless on life and everything because of the way I was raised. I will admit it. I was raised by my very well off grandparents. I was rather sheltered, and yes, very very spoiled. Perhaps I do not know about a lot of things because of this, I will not deny that, but can I help it? I can't help how I was raised. He knew all of this since the beginning, so why does he have to put me down for it now? Today he said to me, "...I have way more life experience than you. You have no idea what the world is really like. You are only aware of this tiny part of it and are oblivious to the way normal people have to live." When I asked him what he meant by normal, he said, "You and your Hindu India stuff, maybe you'll understand this, you come from the higher caste where they don't even acknowlege the lower castes existence."
I was rather shocked by this. Perhaps I was born into a "higher caste", if you want to put it that way, but I am no stranger to the other ways of life out there. Even I lived for a time where I didn't know if I would have the money to eat the next day. I literally lived on bread and water for months...sometimes I spoiled myself and got some cheese if I had an extra few cents. I have seen the houses people have dug out of hillsides in the Carribean. I have been to Africa. I see how people suffer in other countries on the news and in blogs. I have to hold back tears when I see all the pain and suffering in the world and wish that I had the money to send every person who needs it as much as they need. I might not be an expert on insurance policies and taxes, but I am not blind to the world. If I were, I would have done what my family wanted and found someone that they would have wanted. Someone from the "right circle" who could take care of me and give me the life-style that I had been accustomed to growing up. That is what they wanted, but I followed my heart. He really has no idea. I honestly don't know why he says all of these things.
I have started to feel that he will never be able to be fully satisfied with me. As much as I try and think that I am getting better for him, I unknowingly say or do something (or not say or do something), that makes him angry. I have had to change my American sense of humor for him because some times things get misunderstood in translation and he doesn't like it (Though Germans seem to get it just fine). I used to be one of those people who could make everyone laugh. I wasn't like a class clown or anything, but I could always make my friends and colleagues laugh. Now I am pretty much humorless. When I get the chance to talk to my friends the conversation is full of awkward silences where we would usually be laughing.
He still keeps asking my questions about Islam sometimes. Sometimes, he might even ask something about Sanatana Dharma. When I answer him, he'll then ask me Islam's view of the subject. If it is very different, then he will ask me why I do whatever I do for Sanatana Dharma if the Quran says something a bit different. When I try to explain that and the connections and my understanding of their differences, he just trails off and changes the subject.
I always try, and usually do, enjoy everything that he enjoys. He doesn't give anything that I like the time of day. He used to tell me how interesting I am and how he could never be bored with me because with each conversation he learns something new. Now it's like he doesn't even care....
PS: If anyone was interested in the movie "Kisna", here it is. The English song is horrible, but the rest is worth watching.
Today is just a lazy Sunday. My husband and his brother are off washing their beloved cars together.
I have to admit that the last argument that my husband and I had is still having a negative effect on me. I haven't really felt comfortable around him since. Before, I would count the seconds until he finally got home from work and never want to spend a minute apart from him, but now it's like I eagerly wait for every minute I get alone. I am always afraid that I am going to say or do something wrong; something that will make him upset with me. Sometimes, I almost feel as if he is trying to provoke an argument, like by trying to prove all of the faults and horrible things about my country, when he has only been there for two weeks in his whole life and has never studied about it at all. No country is perfect. Period. Today he tried that again. I'll admit, I cannot really argue back. Politics, government issues and all of that kind of stuff are not my thing at all. Plus, I don't want to argue or get into a debate about it; especially when I don't know all of the facts. These types of debates are of no interest to me. I read the headlines and the news from back home every time I have the chance and that is it. I stay updated, but I don't dive into detail.
He also keeps putting me down by saying that I am clueless on life and everything because of the way I was raised. I will admit it. I was raised by my very well off grandparents. I was rather sheltered, and yes, very very spoiled. Perhaps I do not know about a lot of things because of this, I will not deny that, but can I help it? I can't help how I was raised. He knew all of this since the beginning, so why does he have to put me down for it now? Today he said to me, "...I have way more life experience than you. You have no idea what the world is really like. You are only aware of this tiny part of it and are oblivious to the way normal people have to live." When I asked him what he meant by normal, he said, "You and your Hindu India stuff, maybe you'll understand this, you come from the higher caste where they don't even acknowlege the lower castes existence."
I was rather shocked by this. Perhaps I was born into a "higher caste", if you want to put it that way, but I am no stranger to the other ways of life out there. Even I lived for a time where I didn't know if I would have the money to eat the next day. I literally lived on bread and water for months...sometimes I spoiled myself and got some cheese if I had an extra few cents. I have seen the houses people have dug out of hillsides in the Carribean. I have been to Africa. I see how people suffer in other countries on the news and in blogs. I have to hold back tears when I see all the pain and suffering in the world and wish that I had the money to send every person who needs it as much as they need. I might not be an expert on insurance policies and taxes, but I am not blind to the world. If I were, I would have done what my family wanted and found someone that they would have wanted. Someone from the "right circle" who could take care of me and give me the life-style that I had been accustomed to growing up. That is what they wanted, but I followed my heart. He really has no idea. I honestly don't know why he says all of these things.
I have started to feel that he will never be able to be fully satisfied with me. As much as I try and think that I am getting better for him, I unknowingly say or do something (or not say or do something), that makes him angry. I have had to change my American sense of humor for him because some times things get misunderstood in translation and he doesn't like it (Though Germans seem to get it just fine). I used to be one of those people who could make everyone laugh. I wasn't like a class clown or anything, but I could always make my friends and colleagues laugh. Now I am pretty much humorless. When I get the chance to talk to my friends the conversation is full of awkward silences where we would usually be laughing.
He still keeps asking my questions about Islam sometimes. Sometimes, he might even ask something about Sanatana Dharma. When I answer him, he'll then ask me Islam's view of the subject. If it is very different, then he will ask me why I do whatever I do for Sanatana Dharma if the Quran says something a bit different. When I try to explain that and the connections and my understanding of their differences, he just trails off and changes the subject.
I always try, and usually do, enjoy everything that he enjoys. He doesn't give anything that I like the time of day. He used to tell me how interesting I am and how he could never be bored with me because with each conversation he learns something new. Now it's like he doesn't even care....
PS: If anyone was interested in the movie "Kisna", here it is. The English song is horrible, but the rest is worth watching.