Endlich bin ich wieder da!
I have been soooo busy this past week, and having only the computer as entertainment for my husband and I every evening, it is rather difficult for me to post regularly right now, or even read and comment journals everyday. Grrr! Hopefully, thing will get a bit more organized around here soon though, and I will be able to come on lj everyday like I did before we got moved into the new place. Did I actually mention before that we have finally moved into our apartment? Well, if not, we did! Thank goodness! And let me tell you, the bed is sooooo comfortable! My back has been needing it for a long time and since I have been sleeping here, it has actually been feeling a bit better. I have also started carrying a very small purse, instead of my huge one, which has pretty much made the shoulder/neck pain go away completely! Yay!!!
Anywho...
I am still having some issues with my job, though I am trying to see everything in a much more positive light. I had told myself at the beginning of last week, that when I go into work, I will try to see each child as little Lord Krishna. This might sound crazy, but after doing this, and I am not kidding one bit, the kids seem to enjoy my company much more so than before. Even when I have to raise my voice a bit to quiet them down, I try to talk to them as if I were telling child Krishna to stop stealing so much butter, and they listen right away! They not only listen to me right away, but they come up and hug me right after instead of putting on the normal sad face with the big I-am-about-to-cry puppy eyes. Even the really young kids in the other group (still in diapers) who actually seemed to be kind of scared of me before, have been running up to me, smiling, and wanting me to pick them up. I am definitely going to keep this up.
Also, in order to keep my mind on God and full of more positive vibes during the day, I start everyday out by listening to kirtan, vedic chanting, etc., on my way to the Kindergarten. These then tend to stick in my head, so I find myself singing them all day to myself, which really tends to help. Sometimes I get thrown off by a couple of colleagues who seems to live to annoy and frustrate other people, but I try to get right back on track with the names of God as soon as possible.
I have unfortunately not had much time to continue reading my Sri Anandamayi books lately either, but I try to keep Ma in my thoughts at all times as well, which, I believe, has also been helping me. I wrote and email to www.anandamayi.org to ask about a satsang group of Ma devotees in Vienna. I was written back to pretty much right away and have found that there is unfortunately no official satsang group for Ma here, but there is a mediation group of her devotees that meet once month. The married couple who runs it is in India right now though, so I will have to wait to see if anything may come of that for a while. My email was sent on to a Sw. Mangalananda, who gave me further information about this couple who live outside of Vienna and about his school in India, and how he and another swami come to Austria and Germany once a year or so to give concerts to raise money for their school. He would like me to keep in touch with him, so that we might all be able to meet with each other one day. He had spent over 10 years with Ma and has written a book about her and everything. I look forward to reading more about him an his organizations.
I have been to the Amma satsang group here a couple of times before. That was probably well over a year ago now though. I might think about going again. I'll have to see if I can get anti-social self to go over there again. Not sure what the husband will say about it either.
Yesterday, my husband and I got into a horrible argument. It was so terrible. It was in the car too. As most people do, I am sure I am no angel when we get into it, and I know that I can say mean things sometimes, but I never say anything against our relationship or our love or tell him that there is nothing good about him. He does say things like this to me though. I don't want to get into detail about that right now though, since I am doing pretty well right now and don't want to get all upset again. He just does not know how to forget about the past. He always has to bring up my ex and claims that every single negative thing that has happened in his life is my fault...it was just horrible. Me leaving the country and us leaving eachother came up rather hard in this argument. I just don't understand how he can say such horrible things and then be in the best mood the next day. Then there is me. I cannot erase his words from my head and they always haunt me. I know that people say horrible things that they don't mean when they argue, but I just cannot help but think that the things he says are his true thoughts that he just keeps them inside until he needs to explode and throw them all out at me. He claims that the reason he had to explode is because I have been asking too often to leave Austria and move somewhere else and this has been annoying him too much. I thought I was really holding back on that, but I guess not and I will have to try to keep that all in and except the fact that he is never going to leave this place, ever. I have to find refuge in God more than ever...
This pretty much ruined the weekend, but today has been okay. He has such a way of making me laugh, even when I feel so hurt by him.
On good note though, I think that after writing my huge blog about my spiritual path really helped me out. Just getting the whole story out lifted a huge weight off of my back. Thanks to getting that out, my decision to officially take Sri Anandamayi Ma on as one of my main teachers, my focus on Sanatana Dharma has really intensified and I can honestly say that, even though I have yet to be able to set up an altar in my home, I have never felt more Hindu in my life and I am loving it! :)) I also know that nothing can shake me away from this path. Why? Because every path, is the same path. Every path is this one. Every name is His Name. Each direction leads to Him.
Hope to write more soon, even if it is from my phone...
PS: The other day I got an email from Berlitz Language Institute inviting me to an interview and assessment this coming Tuesday at 5pm. They were the first that I applied to after getting my working permit here and I would still really like to work for them. This sounds great then, if they would want me after the interview, but the catch is it is a part-time freelance job. There are a lot of unanswered questing about this type of job. I am thinking about going to the interview/assessment this Tuesday with a list of questions. If the hourse every week weren't fix, it wouldn't bother me, but if I were to make half of what I make now, or probably even less than then, I don't think that I would be able to take the job...unfortunately. Though I know that we would still be able to live well with me working part-time, it wouldn't make the husband too happy. We'll see...
Anywho...
I am still having some issues with my job, though I am trying to see everything in a much more positive light. I had told myself at the beginning of last week, that when I go into work, I will try to see each child as little Lord Krishna. This might sound crazy, but after doing this, and I am not kidding one bit, the kids seem to enjoy my company much more so than before. Even when I have to raise my voice a bit to quiet them down, I try to talk to them as if I were telling child Krishna to stop stealing so much butter, and they listen right away! They not only listen to me right away, but they come up and hug me right after instead of putting on the normal sad face with the big I-am-about-to-cry puppy eyes. Even the really young kids in the other group (still in diapers) who actually seemed to be kind of scared of me before, have been running up to me, smiling, and wanting me to pick them up. I am definitely going to keep this up.
Also, in order to keep my mind on God and full of more positive vibes during the day, I start everyday out by listening to kirtan, vedic chanting, etc., on my way to the Kindergarten. These then tend to stick in my head, so I find myself singing them all day to myself, which really tends to help. Sometimes I get thrown off by a couple of colleagues who seems to live to annoy and frustrate other people, but I try to get right back on track with the names of God as soon as possible.
I have unfortunately not had much time to continue reading my Sri Anandamayi books lately either, but I try to keep Ma in my thoughts at all times as well, which, I believe, has also been helping me. I wrote and email to www.anandamayi.org to ask about a satsang group of Ma devotees in Vienna. I was written back to pretty much right away and have found that there is unfortunately no official satsang group for Ma here, but there is a mediation group of her devotees that meet once month. The married couple who runs it is in India right now though, so I will have to wait to see if anything may come of that for a while. My email was sent on to a Sw. Mangalananda, who gave me further information about this couple who live outside of Vienna and about his school in India, and how he and another swami come to Austria and Germany once a year or so to give concerts to raise money for their school. He would like me to keep in touch with him, so that we might all be able to meet with each other one day. He had spent over 10 years with Ma and has written a book about her and everything. I look forward to reading more about him an his organizations.
I have been to the Amma satsang group here a couple of times before. That was probably well over a year ago now though. I might think about going again. I'll have to see if I can get anti-social self to go over there again. Not sure what the husband will say about it either.
Yesterday, my husband and I got into a horrible argument. It was so terrible. It was in the car too. As most people do, I am sure I am no angel when we get into it, and I know that I can say mean things sometimes, but I never say anything against our relationship or our love or tell him that there is nothing good about him. He does say things like this to me though. I don't want to get into detail about that right now though, since I am doing pretty well right now and don't want to get all upset again. He just does not know how to forget about the past. He always has to bring up my ex and claims that every single negative thing that has happened in his life is my fault...it was just horrible. Me leaving the country and us leaving eachother came up rather hard in this argument. I just don't understand how he can say such horrible things and then be in the best mood the next day. Then there is me. I cannot erase his words from my head and they always haunt me. I know that people say horrible things that they don't mean when they argue, but I just cannot help but think that the things he says are his true thoughts that he just keeps them inside until he needs to explode and throw them all out at me. He claims that the reason he had to explode is because I have been asking too often to leave Austria and move somewhere else and this has been annoying him too much. I thought I was really holding back on that, but I guess not and I will have to try to keep that all in and except the fact that he is never going to leave this place, ever. I have to find refuge in God more than ever...
This pretty much ruined the weekend, but today has been okay. He has such a way of making me laugh, even when I feel so hurt by him.
On good note though, I think that after writing my huge blog about my spiritual path really helped me out. Just getting the whole story out lifted a huge weight off of my back. Thanks to getting that out, my decision to officially take Sri Anandamayi Ma on as one of my main teachers, my focus on Sanatana Dharma has really intensified and I can honestly say that, even though I have yet to be able to set up an altar in my home, I have never felt more Hindu in my life and I am loving it! :)) I also know that nothing can shake me away from this path. Why? Because every path, is the same path. Every path is this one. Every name is His Name. Each direction leads to Him.
Hope to write more soon, even if it is from my phone...
PS: The other day I got an email from Berlitz Language Institute inviting me to an interview and assessment this coming Tuesday at 5pm. They were the first that I applied to after getting my working permit here and I would still really like to work for them. This sounds great then, if they would want me after the interview, but the catch is it is a part-time freelance job. There are a lot of unanswered questing about this type of job. I am thinking about going to the interview/assessment this Tuesday with a list of questions. If the hourse every week weren't fix, it wouldn't bother me, but if I were to make half of what I make now, or probably even less than then, I don't think that I would be able to take the job...unfortunately. Though I know that we would still be able to live well with me working part-time, it wouldn't make the husband too happy. We'll see...