(no subject)
I want to die again today.
I don't what I've done to deserve this...this inability to see any value in the world. The in ability to feel joy. I've tried to be a good person and believe I have succeeded in it, and least enough to not warrant this... if there is a god, why would he do this to me, if this is a karmic balance for faults in a past life then why should I pay nothing else has transferred over, and if this just is...then there really is nothing to life. If it just is, then what's the point to putting up with so much emptiness...
I'm crying and I don't even know what about. I'm angry and I don't know why. I am begging forgiveness but I don't know what for... I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. Nothing seems like ti would help, but staying where I am doesn't either. Yet, it's so hard to leave. This despair has become so familiar that leaving it is frightening. I don't know how to be happy anymore, to be someone where a happy mood is the normal state instead of this depression. Recently it's been hard to not think dying. It'd be so much easier, safer... I know what would happen, I can anticipate it. I wouldn't keep waking up feeling like crap, I would lose all the regrets and self hatred, I could stop thinking... I think too much. I over analyze, I always think of the consequences, the problems, the ways things could go bad. I want to stop thinking and worrying but I don't know how... I want something to make me happy again... Per made me happy, but that is to much weight to put onto one person's shoulders. Making them carry not only their own happiness but that of another's... Still, those were the happiest five months of my life, in no uncertain terms. I had purpose, meaning, something, someone to look forward to...I felt valued and wanted by someone and I had a reason to be a better person... now it just feels like I'm back to nothing again...
I don't mean to frighten you all by this, I just need a place to vent... I won't kill myself, because it would make you all upset, I'd imagine...or I hope, at least... especially Per. He's already had one ex try to kill himself and another die, I don't want to add to that. I don't want to destroy another's life just because my own is so empty...
I don't what I've done to deserve this...this inability to see any value in the world. The in ability to feel joy. I've tried to be a good person and believe I have succeeded in it, and least enough to not warrant this... if there is a god, why would he do this to me, if this is a karmic balance for faults in a past life then why should I pay nothing else has transferred over, and if this just is...then there really is nothing to life. If it just is, then what's the point to putting up with so much emptiness...
I'm crying and I don't even know what about. I'm angry and I don't know why. I am begging forgiveness but I don't know what for... I feel so lost. I don't know what to do. Nothing seems like ti would help, but staying where I am doesn't either. Yet, it's so hard to leave. This despair has become so familiar that leaving it is frightening. I don't know how to be happy anymore, to be someone where a happy mood is the normal state instead of this depression. Recently it's been hard to not think dying. It'd be so much easier, safer... I know what would happen, I can anticipate it. I wouldn't keep waking up feeling like crap, I would lose all the regrets and self hatred, I could stop thinking... I think too much. I over analyze, I always think of the consequences, the problems, the ways things could go bad. I want to stop thinking and worrying but I don't know how... I want something to make me happy again... Per made me happy, but that is to much weight to put onto one person's shoulders. Making them carry not only their own happiness but that of another's... Still, those were the happiest five months of my life, in no uncertain terms. I had purpose, meaning, something, someone to look forward to...I felt valued and wanted by someone and I had a reason to be a better person... now it just feels like I'm back to nothing again...
I don't mean to frighten you all by this, I just need a place to vent... I won't kill myself, because it would make you all upset, I'd imagine...or I hope, at least... especially Per. He's already had one ex try to kill himself and another die, I don't want to add to that. I don't want to destroy another's life just because my own is so empty...